How To Best Help Someone Change?

[PH Suite]

It's often said that "you can't change someone". Agreed.

 

What if someone seems sincere about changing themselves, and that change is their own stated desire?

 

What if these changes are not just crucial to the relationship's well-being but also for the other person's own good.... something they should improve on for the sake of themselves and their future relationships if not for the current one?

 

What are some suggestions for being lovingly supportive, while at the same time ensuring progress and accountability?

[DancingFool]

No matter how you twist your words, your question still boils down to this: How do I make her change and hold her to it?

 

The answer is that you don't. Period.

 

Loving support means simply that you either get out of their way or facilitate what they may not have the means to do. Get out of their way meaning she wants to go jogging and you really really want to go see that movie with her. You suck it up and tell her to have fun and find another time for the movie. That's being supportive and getting out of their way. Facilitating can be something like they don't have the means to go see that therapist accross town, so you give them a ride and stick around to pick them up again. Ultimately, if you don't know what she needs from you, best is to ask and then be careful that you listen. Often time the answer will be that they really don't need anything from you in particular.

 

What you can never do in the relationship is play therapist or turn yourself into a parent or boss figure and hold the other person accountable to you. Probably fastest way on the planet to destroy your relationship and make the other person hate and resent you. Even if they persevere with whatever path they set out for themselves, they will get rid of you and never think of you fondly going forward. Nobody likes a boss in their life.

 

At the end of the day, her words don't matter. Actions do. Either she is taking the steps necessary or she is not. You can't make her and you can't hold her accountable to you. She is ONLY accountable to herself.

[Khaleesi86]

I don't think people are incapable of change.

I think the people wanting the changing to occur get burned because the person who "needs" changing simply doesn't WANT to change.

Now, if a person WANTS to change, I think there's a good chance there will, at the very least, be improvement.

 

Can you narrow your post down to a specific?

It'd be a lot easier to provide real world applicable actions if I had an idea of what it was this person wants to change.

[Clinton]

Be supportive and don't push. At all. Just encourage.

[PH Suite]

Can you narrow your post down to a specific?

It'd be a lot easier to provide real world applicable actions if I had an idea of what it was this person wants to change.

 

I don't think specifics, or gender, matter in this case. I'd prefer to keep it general, because I don't have an actual example in mind.

 

Fitness is a common one though, which doesn't apply at all in my life, but has in the past. I was asked to keep the person on track by bringing it up if there were enough "x" on the calendar representing having done workouts, and when I brought it up - as asked - kindly and with a soft start during time specifically set aside to talk about things, I was demonized for it. Fool me once...

 

That said, some people respond to tough love and others are just resistant to everything including copping any responsibility or accountability for what they say they want or believe in.

 

Another example - If someone with a substance abuse problem expresses a desire to change, I don't think the advice would be the same as for "I wish my husband wouldn't be late all the time".

[HeartGoesOn]

No matter how you slice it, change comes from within. To "help" someone change would defeat the purpose, and take away the goal they need to set for themselves, IMO.

[BigKK]

 

What are some suggestions for being lovingly supportive, while at the same time ensuring progress and accountability?

 

this line made me laugh a little, you're not a life coach or personal trainer, or financial advisor. It's not your place. Either accept people or don't! There is no way to ensure progress...you made yourself sound like you're a coach trying to make sure your star athlete learns to swing harder.

[PH Suite]

BigKK, you have no ###ing idea what I am. Be clear about that.

 

In my work and my endeavors, when someone asks for help you share with them what works for you and you do what you can for them. I'm a very high achiever in more than one field, so people seek me out specifically to ask and to be shown what I know for a fact works.

 

That dynamic might not work well in all situations, for example in a romantic relationship. Still, if someone expresses a desire it's my belief that you do what you can for them. Or better yet what works for them given the situation. Sometimes that might mean just leaving them alone and letting the know you're on their side. Sometimes they're just looking for a scapegoat however, and setting up a road block to their progress.

 

What works for me is tough love and accountability. What works for all the other high achievers I know is the same, whether they do it for themselves of they hire someone to do it such as trainer or advisor. I'd hate to express a willingness and desire to change and be left alone, especially by a loved one, as many here often suggest.

 

There are other ways, possibly much better ways, at least for some people in some situations. That's what this thread is about, not me or presumptions about me or any specific situation I'm in.

[BigKK]

BigKK, you have no ###ing idea what I am. Be clear about that.

 

Calm down, you posted this in relationship conflicts I'm assuming it's a partner of yours. So I'm just saying don't be a personal trainer or life coach that holds individuals accountable. I used to do the same thing and leads to a lot of heartache, the encouraging part yes...the ensuring accountability part...leave it alone, that's for them to battle.

[mhowe]

In the scope of my relationship, my bf "changed" from being conflict avoidant and using space to create emotional distance to "all in".

 

He changed because he wanted to, and because I said I wasn't going to keep trying if he wasn't willing to make an effort. I did not change how I interact with him at all. I didn't cajole, I didn't beg and I didn't ignore/tough love.

 

I held to my boundaries and expectations of what I wanted in a partner. It was up to him whether he "changed" or not.

[PH Suite]

this line made me laugh a little, you're not a life coach or personal trainer, or financial advisor. It's not your place. Either accept people or don't! There is no way to ensure progress...you made yourself sound like you're a coach trying to make sure your star athlete learns to swing harder.

 

I stated two posts about yours that it's a general topic and I don't have a specific situation in mind. I also posited a couple examples, nothing to do with me.

 

How about this - if someone asks some methods to ensure progress or accountability, or ask for your help for doing same, are there good books or online resources? Is there a way to do it yourself that's better than others? If so, what signs of being set up to be the scapegoat or road black are there to watch out for? Etc.

[BigKK]

I stated two posts about yours that it's a general topic and I don't have a specific situation in mind. I also posited a couple examples, nothing to do with me.

 

How about this - if someone asks some methods to ensure progress or accountability, or ask for your help for doing same, are there good books or online resources? Is there a way to do it yourself that's better than others? If so, what signs of being set up to be the scapegoat or road black are there to watch out for? Etc.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to offend. Regardless, if this is a romantic relationship you need to tread lightly with accountability. If you're trying to encourage for them to change to better themselves in their own eyes and ultimately what will be a more favorable mate to you. Then it's tricky but besides giving some basic support of how to help them be accountable for themselves that's about it in my own experience. Bringing things up, or talking about failure will often push them further away and many individuals react to tough love in the way of a resentful rebellious child that will do the opposite of what you say.

[PH Suite]

Thanks. Some very good advice is now accumulating.

 

Perhaps this thread could evolve into a decent resource for the never-ending "Wit's End" type threads.

 

For example, I think MHowe's post two posts back is not only great advice but also a smart way to make it clear with the boundaries that if change isn't made then there's some repercussion (crossing boundaries). She didn't phrase it that way, that's how I see it ... in a good way.

 

Setting and sticking to boundaries I think are some very powerful, and largely unknown and misunderstood ideas. Any "how-to" advice along those lines is a good fit in this thread too, I believe.

[PH Suite]

In the scope of my relationship, my bf "changed" from being conflict avoidant and using space to create emotional distance to "all in".

 

He changed because he wanted to, and because I said I wasn't going to keep trying if he wasn't willing to make an effort. I did not change how I interact with him at all. I didn't cajole, I didn't beg and I didn't ignore/tough love.

 

I held to my boundaries and expectations of what I wanted in a partner. It was up to him whether he "changed" or not.

 

Excellent advice. How do you manage any resentment or bad feelings on your end while you're not getting what you'd like so you're having to pull back your effort? It must've been a challenge to "not change how I interact with him", especially if it's a deal-breaker issue. Or did you enter the relationship with that mind set?

 

A lot of conflicts in relationships seem to happen when one person evolves or matures faster than the other, or when one person is ready to take on the role required for a new stage of a relationship while the other is not yet stepping up or doesn't know how to ... perhaps hasn't seen good examples in their past, or worse has only been exposed to bad examples.

 

Questions arise whether they're sincere in wishing to change or whether they mean what they say about wanting to move the relationship forward, and with such doubt I would think some self-protection and pulling back is understandable, while not changing the interaction seems almost saintly.

[mhowe]

The way I see it...I am who I am. Anyone who knows me knows that I have clear boundaries.

Boundaries are what I choose to have in my life. They are not expectations of how I expect people to act or comport themselves.

 

However, if "they" choose to be in my orbit...then they need to accept my boundaries.

 

If they don't...they don't need to remain in my orbit! There are plenty of other "stars" in the solar system and they are welcome to seek them out.

 

I am all for compromise and growth. And I believe in 2nd chances when warranted. But when it comes to how someone else will treat me...well, the bar is set high and I feel no need to lower it.

[catfeeder]

I don't think specifics, or gender, matter in this case. I'd prefer to keep it general, because I don't have an actual example in mind.

 

That's fine, except specifics are crucial in achieving anything. Abstractions are devoid of the accountability that's important to you, because they mean different things to different people.

 

If I say, "I want to become a better person," that would mean certain things to you while it could mean completely different things to me. So specifics are the only things that can speak the same language--of accountability or anything else.

 

We had a coach at work who wrote a book about it taking 21 days to form a new habit. He said to keep a running list of habits you want to change and to work on only one at at time. This avoids glomming everything into a giant abstraction--nobody can resolve those.

 

A habit to quit doing something becomes an exercise in deprivation unless it's replaced with something else that's favorable.

 

There are all kinds of ways to deal with specifics--as long as the one who WANTS the change is willing to break down abstractions into specific steps for themselves. Another can't do that FOR someone, or it becomes a power struggle. And guess who loses those?

 

A couple can negotiate specific changes by using bribery. For example if BF wants me to quit swearing, his best bet is to offer me the opportunity to come up with something I want him to quit doing. Then we go to the bank and we each pull a wad of 20's. Then whoever does the taboo thing gets called on it and hands the other a 20 on the spot. No IOU's. This only works if it's in the spirit of fun and both people are fully on board--and while the 20s are nice, the real incentive is to 'get' the other to quit what drives you nuts.

[PH Suite]

That's excellent advice, generally applicable too.

 

People could posit their own scenario if they have strategies for specific behaviors.

 

Common ones include weight loss or eating habits, lame lifestyle such as too much television or games/media, toxic thinking such as unwarranted suspicion or self-worth issues, being easy to anger, too much alcohol, tardiness, laziness, 'forgetting' things often, etc.

[catfeeder]

That's excellent advice, generally applicable too.

 

People could posit their own scenario if they have strategies for specific behaviors.

 

Common ones include weight loss or eating habits, lame lifestyle such as too much television or games/media, toxic thinking such as unwarranted suspicion or self-worth issues, being easy to anger, too much alcohol, tardiness, laziness, 'forgetting' things often, etc.

 

You threw two red flags in with a bunch of other stuff.

 

unwarranted suspicion or self-worth issues

 

These are not usually self-corrective without some kind of trained professional help. They're too deep to be ranked along with tardiness or forgetfulness.

 

Suspicion stems from one of two sources: behavior from another that legitimately warrants suspicion, or a deep mistrust of others that existed before the other even entered the picture. That's not something another can help to 'fix' because no matter what they do, they're suspect--and that means that the suspicious person is not even relationship material unless and until that issue is resolved.

 

Self worth issues can range from mild and occasional to something too deep to be dealt with rationally.

 

While there are degrees to both of these, they're relationship killers--and they're not simple fixer-uppers.

[PH Suite]

Excellent points! Thanks.