Hurting pretty badly

[peanut15]

H and I had a fight.. a pretty bad one. Whenever we get into a bad fight, he tells me that he's leaving for a little bit and leaves me with the kids. You see, when I found out about his affair, I was stuck with the kids and had to deal with it. It was stressful. Then with our fights, he leaves and leaves me with the kids and I tell him that I need to leave and go out and cool off but he seems to give me a time to come back. But when he leaves, I never know when he is coming back. I can't take this. No wonder I can't get over my problems, he runs away to cool off but I am stuck at home with every single problem and to top it off, I am stuck at home with two screaming toddlers. I can't get a break and I'm afraid that I'm about to lose it completely.

 

I'm sorry this is all over the place but I'm so distraught. I've tried to talk to him calmly but it ends up in a fight and he tells me that I need to take one of his two options and that none of mine is going to be considered. He says he does it for his sanity..well what about mine? He says he gives me days off but I dont' have any. He ran off with this horrible cheap woman on his days off and refused to look after our children even when they were sick. But on the days off that I get to do various things w/o the kids..he gives me a curfew!!!

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I want marriage counseling but don't think he'll make it work. Then again, not sure. Anyone is marriage counseling could offer advice?

[Mun]

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hate to tell you this, but I don't think marriage counseling is going to help. Your husband sounds like a very selfish, controlling person and I imagine in all this you are losing yourself. Not good.

 

Even if you were to find a sitter and get out for awhile to get yourself together, he would still be controlling what time he expects you back. It sounds like there is no " cooling off " period for you. You are stuck. And you know what is just wrong? He is the one that messed up.. and yet he is treating you like you were the one that cheated.

 

I know this is difficult, but I know from experience how it feels when you are about to lose it. I hope you don't. Call a friend, a relative... anyone that can come and get your kids for awhile so that you can have some time to yourself.

 

I think you will reach a point where you will see that you can no longer keep your sanity and stay with this man. I hope you can be strong when that day comes and do what is right for yourself and your children. If he doesn't change his attitude--there is little hope for a loving, healthy marriage. You can be happy, but you have to want it bad enough.

 

Best of luck

[Princess777]

Oh.... ((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry honey. I know exactly what you mean about him leaving and the way that makes you feel in the house without him. It's kind of like leaving you high and dry and you're just a mess till he comes back, then it's a different kind of mess. The anxiety is gone about not knowing where he is, but then you feel like you have to hurry up and solve everything before he leaves again.....

 

My advice here is to end it, but don't take it from me. Please do whatever you feel is best for you and your kids. Infidelity is so, so difficult to overcome. I've tried and it didn't work in my first marriage. The counseling helped me understand myself a lot better though. He sounds a lot like my current husband, who only can fathom life from his eyes and cannot understand what it's like from anyone else's point of view. These people rarely change. My brother is the same way. I love my husband to death but finally asked him to leave because he only thinks of himself and lied to me constantly. Now since then he swears he's cleaned up his act and buys me roses all the time and calls me all the time, I get more attention now than I ever got when we were living together. I know I still have to end this marriage even though it hurts like HELL cause he'll never change. You can't change people, they are who they are and it's that simple. He has his great points, but he has more bad points than good.... I simply realized that I am gaining nothing by being with him. It kills me to not have him here but I know it's right in my mind, I'm ignoring my heart. I feel sorry for him, but I love him too.

 

I say, if you don't like what he's doing, then get rid of him. There is no rule that says you have to stay with this guy.... if he causes you more pain than happiness then go for happiness.

 

Good luck dear, I know it's not easy.

[mt_joy]

I really feel for you. It's so tough to go through that. Get some counseling for the both of you. You cannot continue putting you and your children through this. Take care!

[HajiMaji]

my heart goes out to you

[sonjam]

peanut15, If you are a stay at home mom, find daycare for your kids and get a job. Start earning your own income, and get your own life back, outside your Marraige.

 

If you are already working, then start saving girl, you're going to need it. I agree with the other posters. It is not always the right time to leave him, and if you could have, I'm sure you would have already, becouse of the infidility, but, you are still there....

 

It is not always as easy as it seems huh? Ive been through a similar thing recently with my 10 months old at home, and hubby just carrying on with his life like nothings happened. I too, negotiated my day of (1 day a week) but the arrangement only lasted 1 week. The next week he got home after 6, gave me errands to run until half past 8, and then said, oh if you wanted to do stuff you can go....

 

I decided to get a live in nanny, somoene I can trust, that can take care of my kids when I have a crisis, or have to do stuff, (I work full time). This way I know she's at home, safe and in her own environment. Less worries, and now I can focus on me, and maybe my marraige. I dont have to ask to go somwhere, I make my own arrangements, the nanny's there, we don't "need" daddy to babysit anymore.

 

You have to sit and think over your situation carefully, also what influence this has on your kids. Sometimes it is better to split up, than to put them through all this fighting and leaving.

 

Good luck!