To tell or not to tell. I am so sad and need advice.

[runnergirl1128]

I have been with my boyfriend for close to one year and we have lived together the whole time. Our relationship started having trouble this past January. I had suspicions he was online chatting with another girl and was right. I confronted him about what I found on my iPad (most of it was innocent chit-chat aboud running but he did tell her things were not good with me and he even went so far to ask her to lunch). He didn't know what to say and could not explain why he was talking to her. He agreed to stop talking to her immediately and to work on the relationship. The issues that came out of this was that he was feeling a bit smothered, he missed his independence. He has been single for many years. Since we started dating, we've done everything together and he has had no time to himself. I decided its time for me to get my own life and give him the space he needs with hopes this would help our relationship.

 

Shortly after this "chatting" incident occurred, my boyfriend found out he was going to start working nights. UGHHHHHHH. Well fast forward four months and he just finished nights but its been a very difficult time for us both. We came close to breaking up and me moving out several times. I guess I never got over the chatting and was always questioning his feelings for me. At the center of our issues over the past few months has been the lack of sex/initimacy. He blamed it on his shift in the beginning (always tired and his job is manual and stressful) but then would say he didn't know what was going on with him but he point blank didn't want me nor did he want anyone. He'd lost desire for sex but would not admit to possible "performance issues". He would get defensive when I'd ask him if that was it (he turned 50 last year). He constantly made me feel like it was me. I was being rejected regularly but hung on. I love him more than words can describe. The rejection did a number on my self-esteem.

 

I'll cut right to the chase. I ended up kissing another guy last week. It was a crazy, passionate kiss outside of a bar and from there it went a little further. I stopped it before it went even further so we didn't end up having sex but yes, I cheated. The guilt didn't set in until a few days ago after my boyfriend and I finally had a moment. A moment I wished we'd had sooner. We reconnected intimately and it was confirmed his issues were peformance related. Finally he let his guard down and we worked through it. I want to cry writing this because I wish he'd told me months ago what was going on without making me think it's me. Yes, I lack self-esteem to think otherwise. I feel terrible now and know that I will never ever stray again. He is the man I want to be with for life and this is why I struggle with whether or not I come clean.

 

I am trying to justify my infidelity by thinking we were practically roommates. We have had sex 2x in 3 months. Is it going to do more damage by telling him what happened? Is it selfish to tell him or is it selfish not to give him the option to break up with me by knowing the truth.

 

Please help.

[mhowe]

Struggle with whether to come clean? When you crucified him for texting another woman?

 

Yes, it is going to do damage. However, you don't get to decide whether to be honest or not. Hold yourself to the same standard you held him.

You cannot justify your infidelity. And he should have the choice as to how he handles it ---

 

It is selfish to not give him the option.

[runnergirl1128]

Thanks mhowe.

[Pixels]

Complicated... I guess first of all, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You have needs, too, and you can only suppress that for so long before either you or the relationship breaks. So hey, you were only looking out for your mental health...

 

Of course, I can't congratulate you too much, because obviously the preferred outcome would be stronger communication and active cooperation to make a compromise between your needs and his slump... Anyways, I probably don't need to tell you that, and what's done is done.

 

That leaves us with whether or not to tell him... You're dealing with a breach of trust, disrespect, and a hit to his confidence... However, you kept boundaries that you refused to cross even in the heat of the moment, you returned to your husband, you aren't maintaining communication or contact with this other guy (I hope), and by all means it sound like you have no particular feelings for that guy beyond the isolated night.

 

So really, other than the guilt you now feel, this has been a relatively harmless situation. You can absolve yourself of some of the guilt by telling him, but then you risk harming him... So... You know him, but then you can work on fixing things together... So, how do you think he'll take it?

 

If I was in his shoes I'd probably get that you were just taking care of yourself and things just came to a point they shouldn't have had to, and I think it would be better if I knew than if my partner had to hold onto it and carry it with them for however long it took to come to terms with it. Of course as far as I'm concerned physical contact has no inherent meaning except the intentions behind it, and whatever you attach to it during and afterwards, so... I'd write it off as a null event in my books.

[runnergirl1128]

Thanks Pixels. Not that is should matter but just so you know we aren't married. He's my boyfriend.

 

I think he would prefer not to know, knowing him. I cut off contact with the guy and deleted him on Facebook. Wish it were that easy to delete my actions.

 

I think he would say he's ok with it as long as its over BUT it would eat at him.

 

I tried communicating countless times but we always ended up in a fight and like I said, ready to break up and only because he didn't know how to deal with his issues. He has been too vain/proud to share what's going on with him. He's had a hard time turning 50. I know that. I am 41 if it helps knowing that.

[Pixels]

My bad, sorry about the mix-up, but you're right, it shouldn't matter.

 

Yeah... Guys can be stubborn (so can women)... When pride becomes a weakness pretty much...

 

The fact that he'd let it go is something though... Perhaps this is something you could use help working out together? If he'd accept it, that is...

 

Unfortunately all I can offer is a perspective.

[abitbroken]

This relationship was on its way down the trust - trust issues, moving out multiple times. I think you should come clean, but at the same time end it. There is absolutely no excuse for infidelity on either of your parts. I suspect you didn't say no to the kiss and instigated it or let it happen in a moment of passion because you, on some level, might be hoping he leaves you so you don't have to leave him? At any rate - pull the plug on this whole thing. You aren't going to marry this guy and I wouldn't want to be with someone where I keep moving out.

[runnergirl1128]

Thank you for the different perspectives and I hope to receive more replies and insight. I will be talking to my therapist about this tonight and hopefully together we can come up with the best way to deal with this and move forward. I realize this relationship is flawed but I am not ready to walk away.