Oldest Story in the world

[jimthzz]

You can simplify things for yourself by detaching from this women completely. It can't feel good to help someone cheat on their husband--no matter what BS she feeds to you.

 

I'm positive that once you've shaken off attachement to this woman you can seek out an unattached woman and feel good about doing so. There will be no secrets to hold, no time to wait for excuses to come true.

 

Think of it, you can introduce a woman at a social gathering, maybe even introduce her to your mom, as a woman you love and not have a sick feeling in your gut that if they only knew she was married then they would treat her badly.

[OtherGuyIam]

You can simplify things for yourself by detaching from this women completely. It can't feel good to help someone cheat on their husband--no matter what BS she feeds to you.

 

I'm positive that once you've shaken off attachement to this woman you can seek out an unattached woman and feel good about doing so. There will be no secrets to hold, no time to wait for excuses to come true.

 

Think of it, you can introduce a woman at a social gathering, maybe even introduce her to your mom, as a woman you love and not have a sick feeling in your gut that if they only knew she was married then they would treat her badly.

 

Yeah your are right about all that. The time has gone for her to accept it, leave and us move on together. Now regardless of any justifications she once may have had she's pretty much drug the guy through the streets. He's not innocent but still. I've told her that many times. What we did was wrong but this is beyond wrong.

 

I'll just let it sit for now. Try not to make big decisions by emotion. I'm gonna miss her. She's so pretty and sweet. When we're together all this goes away. We match up so perfectly. I feel like I've looked for her my whole life. Guess I'll keep looking.

 

My ex went straight back to her former husband. She was divorced when we met. We are such good friends now and we talk about this a lot. Or used to that is. Divorce was 50/50. Non contested. We both came out great financially from a huge amount of equity in our home. Well I call it huge. It wasn't small. I've tried to tell the GF that that is how you do it. Take responsibility stop the lies and be honest about everything. stop digging, make your decision and let the chips fall where they may. I'm afraid it's too late though.

 

Well correct myself there really aren't any lies any more. He knows everything but some gory details.

[OtherGuyIam]

Thanks everyone for your input. Not much left to say and I don't want to run it into the ground. I will figure out where I left my balls and get out of this.

[boltnrun]

Well, she can't expect the guy to be nice to her when she tells him she'd been cheating on him for years.

 

And of course she's going to say he was mean before! As your thread title says, oldest story in the world..."my spouse doesn't understand me/is mean to me/doesn't sleep with me/we're only staying together for the kids/he/she'd go nuts if I left..."

[OtherGuyIam]

I leave it with this. As I mentioned I'm a musician. On Sunday nights there's a blues jam at a local club/bar. This is one of the songs we do. Kinda fitting don't you think?

 

My friends feel it's their appointed duty

They keep trying to tell me all you want to do is use me

But my answer yeah to all that use me stuff

Is I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used

Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up

Until you use me up

 

My brother sit me right down and he talked to me

He told me that I ought not to let you just walk on me

And I'm sure he meant well yeah but when our talk was through

I said brother if you only knew you'd wish that you were in my shoes

You just keep on using me until you use me up

Until you use me up

 

Oh sometimes yeah it's true you really do abuse me

You get in a crowd of high class people and then you act real rude to me

But oh baby baby baby baby when you love me I can't get enough

I and I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used

Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up

Until you use me up

 

Talking about you using me but it all depends on what you do

It ain't too bad the way you're using me

Cause I sure am using you to do the things you do

Ah ha to do the things you do

[reinventmyself]

You've been very thoughtful about this.

I am sure you can figure it out. . Good luck.

[OtherGuyIam]

Well I thought I was done here. Maybe sharing this with you sage folks will help. My brain is scrambled.

I wrote

Here is what I suggest you do. I'm not telling what to do at all. Rationalize is what I'm suggesting.

If you want to break this cycle with him then you need to file for divorce and you two work it out like adults. Him leave or you leave whatever.

We've gotten way past you just walking out. You know that isn't going to happen.

 

So if you can talk to him about divorce and one of you actually file for divorce then we could be pointed in the right direction.

As it stands you not replying to his emails means that you two are dealing with this the same way. This will get you nowhere.

 

You will always have something going on that takes priority.

 

I'm not ignoring your family crisis. obviously that's the most important thing.

So take care of you I'll take care of me. If you have anything to tell me this morning about where things stand between you to I'd like to know. Then we move on from there without me being involved in the daily drama.

[OtherGuyIam]

Her reply

I'm sorry this week has been hectic. Of course I want to see you.

 

I understand and respect that you need to take care of yourself. I just hope this doesn't mean you are shutting me out completely. I still need my best friend.

 

As for him and me, he cornered me last night and asked if I could do all the things he mentioned in the email. I said no. He was talking at me, trying to make me feel bad, twisting my words, acting compassionate. I didn't give any emotions. I told him there was nothing to discuss. I'm done with him and anything that pertaining to him. He gave up when he saw I wasn't caving in.

 

I love you

[OtherGuyIam]

I feel very stupid right now. Somebody point out the obvious to me.

[mhowe]

I miss my best friend. Read emotional crutch.

I hope you don't shut me out completely. Read same.

 

I saw no action plan. No "I will file.papers and talk with an Atty."

 

You are still living on the island of Limbo in the sea of Denial.

[reinventmyself]

I miss my best friend. Read emotional crutch.

I hope you don't shut me out completely. Read same.

 

I saw no action plan. No "I will file.papers and talk with an Atty."

 

You are still living on the island of Limbo in the sea of Denial.

 

I agree with this. (I agree with you a lot lately Mhowe)

 

If she's for real. . she's in a tough spot and paralyzed to make a move. I get this. Then again she hasn't had to.

But. . This doesn't do you any good. I think limbo is far more painful then an ending.

You've started the wheels in motion to detach. . keep moving in that direction and be true to your words that you are taking care of yourself. . and do so!

Walk the walk . .

 

You don't need to make a decision about her if you aren't ready. There isn't any thing you can do your part but carry on.

Something needs to shift and maybe it begins with you.

[OtherGuyIam]

Ok those replies are more in line with me than I expected.

One more exchange

 

Me:

I need to finish this conversation.

If you aren't waiting then you're doing...?

Her:

Not giving in to his demands. Falling for his bs. I'm moving on. I will be leaving.

Me:

Ok

so that's your final word for now. Little soft on action but there you go.

 

Mine is as long as there's no action on your part he will continue the mess one way or another.

 

It's in your hands.

If I need to communicate with you about something other than this I will. It might take me a little while to decompress. So don't take any "no contact" as anything other than that.

Contact me anytime you want to about anything. Personal, shoot the , Funny stuff, us, your grandma...anything and I want you too.

 

If something significant happens you think I should know about or if you need your best friend, please do that too.

 

I love you. Im not chasing after you.

Wish i could help but hang in there.

[reinventmyself]

UHG! You just told her that you both will continue doing what you've been doing all along. .

You see that don't you?

If not reread your post.

[OtherGuyIam]

Wasnt my intention. Hmmm.

Let think look again

[OtherGuyIam]

Well maybe. Just shy of no contact and walking off. I meant that as I'm removing myself from this situation but not turning my back on her. She is highly depressed and I can't help be sensitive to that.

I'll cover what you pointed out by not contacting her at all.

 

I thought I was taking a step in a different direction. You're probably right but I think she'll get it when the communication from me stops. I'm not ready to complete state that I'm cutting her off. I've tried that too many times and it always guts me.

 

Thank you both btw

[OtherGuyIam]

My mom passed away suddenly almost a year ago. That on top of this was very difficult. I'm a very compassionate person. (No really lol )

[reinventmyself]

My mom passed away suddenly almost a year ago. That on top of this was very difficult. I'm a very compassionate person. (No really lol )

 

You know you can handle this compassionately while taking care of yourself.

NC is compassionate. . It gives her the space to figure things out and gives you a breather to be objective.

If your bond is as strong as you think it can withstand a little distance.

[OtherGuyIam]

Yeah me being in her grill all the time doesn't work and was not compassionate at all.

[OtherGuyIam]

In 2014 I got divorced. Destroyed friendships. Destroyed family. Changed into someone I've never been before. Had to sell my awesome country home I worked so hard for. My mother died. My best friend died. 2 other good friends died. Lived in a motel until I got a new house. God what else...

Not looking for sympathy half was my fault. Maybe trying to explain why I'm so messed up and this is difficult to let go.

I need to find myself.

[reinventmyself]

In 2014 I got divorced. Destroyed friendships. Destroyed family. Changed into someone I've never been before. Had to sell my awesome country home I worked so hard for. My mother died. My best friend died. 2 other good friends died. Lived in a motel until I got a new house. God what else...

Not looking for sympathy half was my fault. Maybe trying to explain why I'm so messed up and this is difficult to let go.

I need to find myself.

 

So having said that I can only imagine you wished that someone had your back during difficult this time . .

So now you are projecting and wanting to be that person for her? Makes sense, but. .

You've been down this road . .Would you have been a good available partner during this time, or was it a path you need to venture on your own to get to the other side?

[OtherGuyIam]

That could be. I feel like with her I've tried to outsmart the laws of nature with compassion understanding and communication. It blew back on me. I should have gotten out at the 1st sign she was in limbo.

 

I also thought I knew love from infatuation and I still do. At the same time I have to accept that I may be delusional.

 

 

.to answer your question no I probably wouldn't have. Good point.

[mhowe]

You have taken a baby step. You cont contact her. Yeah.

However, she can continue to use you as an emotional tampon for any solid reason and any insignificant ego boost.

 

You really need to find aa bit more.self respect and.self love. You just tatooted "doormat" on your forehead.

[OtherGuyIam]

Which was already well established in my opinion.

The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

If have to get over this addiction or obcessive state by me not contacting her.

Get a few days of that under my belt then move to the next step by not being available to her. Or something.

I'm telling you the cold turkey approach has not worked.

[mhowe]

One day at a time. Perhaps you could let calls go to VM and wait on answering texts. Return them at your leisure.

[OtherGuyIam]

Yeah I've been doing that more and more. If she comes scratching at my door though I'm probably in trouble.