Wafils Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Ughhh I need advice desperately. My ex emailed me yesterday and I have no idea how - or if - to respond. We were together 6 years and haven't had any contact whatsoever in 13 months. This is so out of the blue... Here's the vital stuff: -breakup was mutual and left at very good terms. -We were long distance for much of the rs and it got to be an issue since we couldn't agree where to live -I still very much love him. Hasn't a day gone by I don't think of him -however I don't want to reconcile, I don't think, because the rs was drama filled at times and very volatile...just not healthy overall. While I have missed the good times a great deal and feel generally sad about it still I do fill quite a bit more stable. -I have no idea if this (poss. Reconciliation) is what he's gearing for...I have a hunch, though. The email was to share some positive news, but there was a part about how much I taught him about love, etc, and another personal thing (something we shared that he still has). It was concise and fairly formal however. Also there were no indications he expects a reply. No questions (even such as "how have you been"), nothing to follow up on. -I wasn't the greatest gf ever. Insecure and depressed a bit much. I have trouble with trust. I'm scared to let people in and I have abandonment issues. He wasn't a bad bf, in fact he helped me quite a bit but he was very distant at times, emotionally, so I guess there was push/pull going on.. it exacerbated some of my issues. Hence single hood making me feel more stable and well-grounded. Soooo all that as it is...what should I do? I feel mean not responding but scared to fall back into the familiar spiral. I like him as a person and miss him alot. This email could mean nothing. Or maybe he just got dumped (I know someone will suggest it lol). Any anecdotes/advice??? Thanks in advance. Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Don't respond. It doesn't call for one. And analysis of why it was sent is futile. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I also wouldn't respond. He didn't ask anything or give any indication he particularly wanted a response. Since you don't want to get back together anyway, responding to his message would be pointless. I suppose you could say something like "Thanks for the update! I'm glad to hear you're doing well. All the best!" Link to comment
Mari Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Ughhh I need advice desperately. My ex emailed me yesterday and I have no idea how - or if - to respond. We were together 6 years and haven't had any contact whatsoever in 13 months. This is so out of the blue... .. Soooo all that as it is...what should I do? I feel mean not responding but scared to fall back into the familiar spiral. I like him as a person and miss him alot. This email could mean nothing. Or maybe he just got dumped (I know someone will suggest it lol). Any anecdotes/advice??? Thanks in advance. I would respond and tell him you're not ready for a friendship yet if that's the case. Or if you are ready for a friendship then that's what you're willing to offer. Seems like you already have a decision on getting back together with him. I'm of the opinion that it's rude not to respond and better to say where one is at. Link to comment
Wafils Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 I would respond and tell him you're not ready for a friendship yet if that's the case. Or if you are ready for a friendship then that's what you're willing to offer. Seems like you already have a decision on getting back together with him. I'm of the opinion that it's rude not to respond and better to say where one is at. See this is what I feel too! I personally feel it's rude/cold not to say anything at all, considering I don't begrudge him. But it's kind of awkward since he didn't give an opening for anything, even poss friendship. I think the brief response given above may be best...but then it seems kind of a blow-off kind of reply. I still care about him and don't want to be quite that dismissive about his reaching out. Or should i? I don't know, it's very confusing... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I would not respond right now. You say you have abandonment issues, etc. It will not hurt to wait a day, a week, etc. Don't respond to "be nice" or how he would feel if you are not ready. if you can't not respond, I would say "Thanks for sharing, Glad that things are working out for you, Best wishes, your name." And don't respond to him again for follow ups. But i think you are only going to be engaged in a dialogue that you won't get out of. I didn't respond to my ex. I think i can credit my healing with not responding. If he really wants to talk to you and he didn't just send this to get it off his chest, he will try again. It doesn't sound like contact is healthy for you if you miss him, but the relationship was not a positive one - you could get sucked in. Link to comment
Wafils Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Thank you for this (and all other replies)! I can tell you've been there. I'm going to wait a bit to respond if I do at all. I know he doesn't intentionally try to hurt me but all the in and out of my life stuff stings...he's just too inconsistent and unsettled. I don't know that that's changed, he was working the flattery a bit in his message. It was nice to hear he thinks so well of me but it comes down to actions trumping all the nice words in the world... Link to comment
Mari Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 See this is what I feel too! I personally feel it's rude/cold not to say anything at all, considering I don't begrudge him. But it's kind of awkward since he didn't give an opening for anything, even poss friendship. I think the brief response given above may be best...but then it seems kind of a blow-off kind of reply. I still care about him and don't want to be quite that dismissive about his reaching out. Or should i? I don't know, it's very confusing... You can respond with as much as you're comfortable with. Don't worry about his reaction, it's not going to go anywhere unless you want it to. If he's offended he's not going to hear back from you. If he's happy, he's still not going to hear back from you. Link to comment
Wafils Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 So as an update: I did end up replying (ugh I know..). I kept it brief and businesslike. We wrote back and forth a couple times and ended up texting for a bit. I was getting a little sucked in but maintained my distance and cool composure (ie not responding to anything flirty or too personal). When it reached the point of being too much (i was starting to feel deja vu about certain anxieties) I politely ended the text convo and later emailed him to say I wasn't ready to talk any further and wished him well. It was great to talk again but I just can't get back into the same insanity loop. He didn't respond so I guess that's it. Thanks for everyone's advice. Ultimately I'm glad I responded as I did (since he isn't a bad person at all, just very unsettled) and pulled away before I reached the point of no return. Link to comment
Mari Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Thanks for the update, great to hear you were able to respond without getting too sucked in. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Glad that you pulled back. And remember YOU control if someone bounces in and out of your life or not. Remember that. I know you said you are not 'ready' to have more dialogue vs "don't ever contact me again" maybe to be nice or to keep the door open - but if this person is unhealthy for you, it doesn't "prove" anything if you can talk with him without hurt or anxiety. Its okay to let that door slam shut. My abusive ex will never be healthy for me no matter how much I grow, heal, etc., or how much time goes by Link to comment
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