Don't Want to Be Friend's Maid of Honor (Long)

[Glamourice]

I know this sounds bad. My best friend of 4 years now, lets call her "L" is "engaged" as of about 3 weeks ago and asked me to be her MoH. I said yes initially but now I'm having second thoughts.

 

First, I don't like the man she is with, never really have. He has hit her recently and several times. I don't think he loves her, she's just a hole and a home to him. I used to live with them and she would make all these plans and practically beg him to take her out to movies and suppers and he was never into it. If he did go, it was a very quick outing and he would be cranky with her afterwards. It was quite hard to see because it was so blatant. That actually just happened this last weekend. He promised her a night on the town with her other friends and they would go to several places. The next day she tells me that they only went to one place and he was moody and pouted in the corner the whole time. He was going to take her out the next night and of course it didn't happen. I was invited both times but I knew they would be epic fails so I didn't bother.

 

Also, even L has doubted he wants to marry her and she's brought this up to me. Her one sister and a few mutual friends of ours have agreed that this doesn't add up. He casually mentioned it in a text message one night and apparently that's a proposal. Now that's all she's talking about. No ring, nothing.

 

It gets better. I will be a ''co-MoH'' with one of her other sisters, named "E". This sister is flakey, comes and goes as she pleases, fights with L all the time, and only really talks to L when she needs help in some way. I really don't like the fact that I will be on the same level as E, who does drugs and doesn't work. Me and L are like sisters too but I have definitely been there more for her than this sister. L says she feels obligated because L is the godmother of E's children and L was E's MoH, but I still think it is unusal that I should have to share this position with someone, especially this dramatic sibling of all people.

 

Going back to when I lived with L about 3 years ago, she evicted me after a few months because her other sister "J" had her kids taken away, which I believe, it has happened before. L said she would take them so they don't go into foster care, but they needed my bedroom. But, about a week before I got into a huge fight with her now fiance, and L did say he doesn't like having me there. I had surgeries about two months prior to the move and was told not to lift any heavy object so I asked if she could help me move. She agreed but when the time came she was chilling on her patio and I had to get other help. I am still a bit bitter about this and I truly feel like she was just doing what her fiance wanted and used her sister's kids as an excuse.

 

And finally, my friend's "fiance" has three kids from his ex wife and she often pays his child support because he hops from job to job often taking "time off'' in between so he never has any money. And, L was actually his mistress from his ex-wife. That's how they got together, she was 'the other woman.' Enough said right?

 

I could go on with more detail and probably write a book but I think this already speaks volumes. I want to back out, but I'm seeking insight. Is it too late? I'm so thankful for her friendship, but she hasn't always been an A+ friend, and this relationship just gives me bad vibes that just don't jive with me. Please let me know what you think, and thanks for bearing with my long rant!

[fifregister]

What do YOU want to do? It sounds like you want to distance yourself from her and the situation. If so, you already know the answer. It's not too late because the wedding hasn't happened yet.

[mhowe]

My bf in highschool asked me to be her MOH in her wedding at age 25. She barely knew the guy, and when I met him realized he was gay. He was using her as a beard, was using her money and a host of other issues.

 

Being MOH is also being the legal witness to a wedding. You will be signing the marriage certificate.

 

I told my friend of my concerns, and that I felt uncomfortable being a legal witness. I loved her and cared about her and wanted her to be happy. She did not call the wedding off....and I was a bridesmaid.

 

At the rehearsal at the church, when the minister got to the part where she said "and then I will ask if anyone knows a reason these two shall not be married", my friend turned to me, in front of everyone....and said "You aren't going to say anything tomorrow ---- are you?"

 

Needless to say, the marriage didn't last.

[Moontiger]

This is going to be a VERY difficult conversation to have with your friend. But, honestly, if he is hiting her I would NOT want to be part of the wedding. You are going to have to do this calmly, kindly, and be prepared for a HUGE fallout.

 

What I would do is call her and tell you that you need to speak with her abotu something very important in private. Ask her to come over to your place. When she arrives sit her down and say something along the lines of: "This is very difficult because you are my friend and I love you. But, because I do love you I have to be honest with you. I cannot be your maid of honor. I've thought a lot about this. You should have people in your wedding party who support you and your marriage. I support you but I cannot support your marriage due to the physical abuse by your fiance."

 

Then hold on tight because its going to be a bumpy ride.

[boltnrun]

It sounds to me like they're not really engaged. I bet if you asked him he'd have a different answer.

 

I'm willing to bet there will be no wedding.

 

That being said, you can back out by saying you're not comfortable with the idea. If she asks why, just let her know you would feel strange standing up in front of people saying you are supportive of the marriage when you have doubts. I bet she'll know what you mean.

[mhowe]

OK...I actually read the whole post this time. There isn't a wedding, an engagement or a prayer for this relationship.

[boltnrun]

I just wanted to add that a former friend asked me to be in her "wedding". She wasn't yet divorced from her first husband. And the actual wedding didn't even happen for about 6 or 7 years because she and the guy had to break up multiple times and get into court battles over their shared children before things settled down enough for them to actually get married. I was no longer in contact with her and therefore wasn't asked to be in the wedding (I did receive an invitation but didn't go because it was all the way accross the country).

 

So, maybe you don't have anything to worry about because the wedding won't happen.

[relevart]

Why did you agree to be the MoH in the first place?

[Batya33]

Tell her that you want to save her honor not be her maid of honor -that you are there to support her in leaving someone who is hitting her but you cannot support her staying with him because of the abuse.

[Glamourice]

Why did you agree to be the MoH in the first place?

 

I don't really know, I wasn't thinking and it kind of started off as an off handed theory and in the last three weeks it has grown into something more material or real, if that makes sense?? Then it hit me.