How long do you give to feel that connection?

[Batya33]

That's pretty cool. I've had one girlfriend where it was like that for us.

 

 

Yeah, that's certainly true. Some people are looking for an intellectual connection first, others that tear the clothes off spark. I do know those unhappily single you talk about, but I suspect they've felt that instant spark before and just want it again. Some people, though, are just slow boilers- they don't warm to people quickly, and it takes time for something to develop.

 

I was not looking for an intellectual connection first -I was looking for the garden variety chemistry. I did not need to feel that in the first few seconds or even in the first number of dates to give things a chance to develop. I'm so glad I didn't insist on an instant spark and I'm so glad a number of women do -gave me more men to choose from!

[cbh1979]

I was not looking for an intellectual connection first -I was looking for the garden variety chemistry. I did not need to feel that in the first few seconds or even in the first number of dates to give things a chance to develop. I'm so glad I didn't insist on an instant spark and I'm so glad a number of women do -gave me more men to choose from!

Unfortunately, I keep meeting those who don't want to give things a chance to develop It seems like once I warm up to them, they've given up...that's what happened most recently, anyway.

[Ronniesgirl]

' I have met a number of women who are unhappily single because they've insisted on that instant spark.'

 

I've always known, from a very young age, that I was the 'instant bolt of lightning spark' kind of woman. It took me a long time but I found my gorgeous man and have been happy with him for almost exactly 10.5 years. Everyone has their own deal breakers - that was mine. Everyone's different; everyone knows themselves best. I have never in my life done the 'let's kiss a friend I don't fancy and see how it feels' thing because it just isn't me, never has been and never will be. To each their own, as they say.

[happy_snapper]

My GF had that connection with me from the first time she saw me, but it took me a couple more.

Oddly I have felt a spark straight away with other girls, but they never worked out. I needed time to connect more deeply with C, but once I did, I found somebody amazing. Not long though... a couple of weeks.

[Fudgie]

^ I have a friend who is like you in that she insists on the instant spark but unlike you, she is very single and doesn't have any relationship experience. She won't do online dating and believes in love at first sight so she turns down a lot of guys. She really wants it to "happen" like, and this is what she told me, she will look accross a room and their eyes will meet and looooove happens. I told her that's very unrealistic

 

I think that there is a happy medium that exists for most. I too wouldn't kiss someone I wasn't interested in. However, love at first site doesn't happen for me. Most people may feel some initial attraction or attraction grows naturally after a date or two and things progress from there.

[Batya33]

' I have met a number of women who are unhappily single because they've insisted on that instant spark.'

 

I've always known, from a very young age, that I was the 'instant bolt of lightning spark' kind of woman. It took me a long time but I found my gorgeous man and have been happy with him for almost exactly 10.5 years. Everyone has their own deal breakers - that was mine. Everyone's different; everyone knows themselves best. I have never in my life done the 'let's kiss a friend I don't fancy and see how it feels' thing because it just isn't me, never has been and never will be. To each their own, as they say.

 

I never just kissed a friend -not in the way you describe. It's pretty amazing when you realize you have chemistry with a friend -friendship caught on fire. I was never into kissing someone I wasn't attracted to just to see what happened. And luckily I was never into dismissing opportunities just because I didn't lust after the person at first sight (or "love"). Yes I do think it's partly a choice -it's not a passive "well that's just who I am" because I know from experience and from vicarious experience that people who do things that aren't working in their lives (i.e. insisting on an instant spark or some other inflexible requirement and then being unhappily single) have the power to reevaluate standards like that and change - not at all so that they settle for less than they want - to the contrary, they grow and change and end up with more than they ever dreamed of once they're free of the rigidity.

 

You're lucky that you met your guy in exactly the way you perceived you needed to.

 

When you describe your boyfriend you typically describe his physical looks. Obviously it's just typing but I find that consistency in your posts interesting and maybe a littl telling.

[Ronniesgirl]

Well, can me strange, but my number one requirement for a life long partner has always been for him to be very VERY attractive, TO ME. Everything else came after that one major requirement; everything else would be 'looked into' SUBJECT to that one major requirement being in place. It is most certainly not a choice, it's not something that I felt I could compromise on. It isn't something you can in any way change if this is how you are and how you feel. It just IS. It really is just how I am and I've never been able to do anything to change it. He isn't only gorgeous; he isn't only STILL gorgeous to me after 10.5 happy years together. He is also the kindest and most easy-going man on the planet, he is my biggest friend and supporter, he is a beautiful person from within and he adores the ground I walk on. I'm not saying he's perfect. But he ticks all of MY boxes. He is perfect for me, and I for him. As I said, I knew what I wanted and I was lucky to find it. In the right place at the right time. I knew what was non-negotiable for me in a life-long partner and I wasn't prepared to settle.

[Fudgie]

Nope, it's not strange at all. Just different priorities. It's not a choice in terms of what you're attracted to, however, what IS a choice is how you prioritize that in terms of looking for a potential mate.

 

For me, looks has always been more towards the bottom of my list because I become sexually attracted only after I get to know someone and come to respect them for who they are. I could never stay with someone that I found repulsive or unattractive but physical attraction, at least for me, tends to build over time. I see very few men that I look at and think are good looking off the bat. However, all of my partners have been good looking to me, regardless of what other people may have felt about them.

 

For those who have high physical standards and find it hard to find someone, well, they may need to re-evaluate their priorities to find someone. That is a choice there.

[Batya33]

I understand. It's not strange. You seemed to focus on his physical appearance a lot when describing him. That's all. Obviously attraction is essential. That is true for me and all the people I know. I don't find it common for my friends to refer to their partner's/spouses physical appearance on any regular basis and if they share something good/complimentary about their spouse/partner it is usually not about their physical appearance despite the fact that they find their spouses physically attractive.

 

 

I don't need to think of my husband as "gorgeous" to feel very attracted to him. And thank goodness for that because looks change and even though I would still find him physically appealing basically no matter what because "oh he is gorgeous!" is not a major part of it for me I know that looks changing would likely have no impact on attraction, chemistry, or why we are together.

 

We all can use head and heart to make decisions -we all can choose to react to how we feel. In my teens and early twenties I "felt" that my partner had to be hot looking and not just to me -I wanted someone on my arm who looked hot in general. As I matured I realized that that wasn't important to me anymore but of course attraction was. That is one example of many of how someone can react differently to how they feel. For example someone might feel very attracted to someone else's spouse but react to that feeling by choosing not to act on it. And on and on.

[Ronniesgirl]

'I don't need to think of my husband as "gorgeous" to feel very attracted to him'

 

I do, and that's where we differ. I've only ever been attracted to blokes who, TO ME, were gorgeous. Let's just agree that we're different people and stop debating this. Just accept that that's how I am and there's no need for you to try and change my mind or prove to me that I am somehow wrong because it won't work. All the best.

[Batya33]

'I don't need to think of my husband as "gorgeous" to feel very attracted to him'

 

I do, and that's where we differ. I've only ever been attracted to blokes who, TO ME, were gorgeous. Let's just agree that we're different people and stop debating this. Just accept that that's how I am and there's no need for you to try and change my mind or prove to me that I am somehow wrong because it won't work. All the best.

 

Not trying to prove anything but I do need to clarify your misinterpretation. I meant that I don't need to think of my husband's physical appearance to feel chemistry/attracted to him despite finding him attractive. If someone asked me to describe him and our relationship it would never occur to me to talk about his physical appearance much less mentioning that first. I could see myself saying at the end of the description, with a wink and a smile "oh and of course he's kinda cute!". I haven't experienced my women friends commenting on their spouses/partner's physical appearance when they compliment them or speak positively of them. I did experience that a lot when we were teenagers/early 20s.

 

Obviously you're entitled to your focus and it sounds like your partner is very happy with that focus and the way you two interact!