How to deal with my wife's best friend

[jaggerin]

I (Jagger)am married to my wife (Anna) for little over two years. I knew Anna only for a month before that. We have a 4 month old baby also.

Anna has a best friend(Shawna) whom she knows for 18 years now. They have studied, worked and lived together since then. Obviously strong bonding is understandable between the two of them.

Shawna lives in the same block as us, so Anna meets her everyday for chit chat. They also exchange phone calls, messages atleast 3,4 times a day. Basically Shawna pings, calls or see's Anna anytime of the day.

Me and Anna never hang out alone. Shawna always tags along. I did mention to Anna that sometimes we need to go out alone as a couple but then i use to be made feel so guilty for doing that.

Anna feels guilty that due to our marriage, Shawna is alone now, so she needs to give her all the attention she needs.

Anna and Shawna use to go out very freequently for drinks before marriage. Whereas i am one of those who likes to go out drinking once a week or at most twice. I am happy to hang out but not all the time drinking and that too binge drinking. After our marriage many times when i wanted to stay in, they were very happy to leave me alone. Never ever they stayed indoors to do something together. I felt snubbed liked this time and again.

I do not find much in common with Shawna. I do not seem to have much to talk to her or enjoy her company. I am not sure about this but at times i am doubtful that Shawna deep inside wants no one to be able to come so close to Anna. Shawna has regularly, emotionally black mailed Anna to go out with her or to spend more time with her.

I have had innumerable fights with Anna in regards to this situation but she always cites the reason that they have been together for 18 yrs so Shawna comes before me.

 

 

Recently there have been two developments. Firstly Shawna has met some guy and has been hanging out with him mostly. So now me and Anna are spending way more time with each other.

Secondly me and Anna are moving out to a new country soon.

 

So even if lately things seem to be improving, still the interference has not stopped. I feel hurt inside that the relationship has not been balanced out properly from the very beginning. I have felt like leaving Anna for this. She can then spend as much time as she wants with Shawna.

 

Am i in the wrong here? What should i do to deal with this situation here?

[SpottiOtti]

It sounds like the situation is about to resolve itself . . . Just let it go. Not worth creating friction over for that reason.

[patterned]

Your focus is on the friend, but that's an excuse for the differences that are apparent between your wife and yourself. You enjoy some different things and have some conflicting needs. This is normal. There will always be areas in which we don't line up with our partners. I think you're going to want to find a way to accept those differences and still get your needs met, taking care of yourself.

[pippy longstocking]

It sounds like the situation is about to resolve itself . . . Just let it go. Not worth creating friction over for that reason.

 

that is exactly what I was going to say .....no you are indeed right to feel like you have ..when one half of two best friends meet their partner , changes have to be made ..and compromises need to be made on ALL sides .....however , as spotti said ..this is going to find its own resolve ..let it go ..and let her just enjoy this time with her mate now .

[bulletproof]

 

Secondly me and Anna are moving out to a new country soon.

 

Am i in the wrong here? What should i do to deal with this situation here?

 

Why would you leave her now if you're moving to another country anyway?

 

I don't know if you're necessarily wrong to want to spend time alone with your wife, but if she's been friends with Shawna for 18 years, then how did you not know this was the situation before you married?

[jaggerin]

@Bulletproof, You must keep in mind that i knew Anna only for a month before getting married to her. I only met Shawna once before marriage that too very briefly. I thought like other friendships that i have seen in my life, they will also hook up may be once a week, talk occasionally every now and then. I am strictly not opposed to that. But this is not normal friendship, they are talking to each other 24/7 and hanging out together atleast two to three times a week and this is 365 days a year.

Now take this, that at one point they had even thought of not having any boyfriends or spouses and spend rest of there life's together(they are not lesbians if that is what one might think). Unfortunately i only found out about it after the marriage.

I agree with all of you that things are resolving by themselves.....however in this world of easy connectivity(whatsapp, viber etc) i just worry all this will continue partially .......but yes ray of hope is there