Does he not find me attractive anymore?

[Jaded0890]

To be fair ive been having serious issues with my self esteem lately, but i feel like my boyfriend isnt attracted anymore. Weve been together for two years and weve been going through a rough patch since the begininng of the year. Weve been arguing over little things frequently so each time it blows up into something bigger because the previous disagreement was never resolved. Anyhow, i feel that he is losing interest physically. Or maybe just has a lot on his mind. We rarely kiss. He rarely initiates sex ( most of the time its after ive gone to sleep). It makes me feel like crap to be honest. When my self esteem is down i need alot of reassurance. And im just not getting it. I know he loves me and he does show it. But i feel like our sex life is very important. Its definitely not what it used to be. Its slowly gotten to this point and for some reason i always think that if a man isnt acting interested in you, then hes giving his attention to someone else. Is this wrong to think? Am i crazy? Please help!

[ThatwasThen]

Why do you need to get your self-esteem from someone else? Why not work on yourself and set some goals for yourself that are attainable and get your worth from accomplishes made and goals met rather then through reassurance from someone else?

 

What do you do to feel good about yourself? What hobbies do you have that keep you interested and keep you interesting? What interests do you have outside of your boyfriend and your relationship in general? Do you work out to keep your mind and body toned?

 

As for your questions; You say "when your self esteem is down you need a lot of reassurance" that is putting an awful lot of responsibility on someone and if you're putting that burden on him, if he's the only way you get your happiness and self-worth then that may very well be why his libido is dwindling... he has too much stress trying to keep his own good balance without having to look after yours as well.

 

So.. what is it? Do you have a full life besides just him?

[Jaded0890]

To be honest i was very active then he was sentenced to a 6 month jail sentence. So before and after we both have really clinged to each other because of time spent apart. Which i know is no excuse. I dont have a big group of friends Nd neither does he. Before all this happened i was very active and getting very close to reaching personal goals. Once this happened i focused a majority of my mind on us and being supportive. Completely abandoning my goals. Im trying to regain my drive and motivation because i know how unstoppable i am once i get the ball rolling.. I just cant seem to figure out how.

[Willywagtail]

It's time to get to the bottom of the arguments and resolve them. It's the 'cancer' that's eating away at your relationship and you both need to have a think about why you argue, what you argue over and how these arguments might be resolved more amicably.

 

He's distancing himself from yoiu sexually because he's overwhelmed and he probably feels like you do about the arguments.

 

This isn't about you - its about the relationship.

[Jaded0890]

Any advice on exactly how to work towards a resolution? We both really want to end up together and weve already made it through so much its hard to imagine quitting

[Willywagtail]

You could start by talking. Not accusingly or with recrimination, but just by talking about the arguments and why they happen.

[Jaded0890]

I appreciate your advice! This is really helping a lot joing this site! Thank you!

[Andrina]

You can get some books from the library on how to communicate with each other, such as Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Do not call each other names when you argue. Make this a rule if one or both of you do it. Instead of using "you" sentences like "You always leave the dishes for me to wash." Use "I" sentences like, "I'm tired after dinner, so I'd like you to do dishes one day, and I'll do them the next day." Sometimes ask, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this issue to you?" If his is a 10 and yours is a 7, let him have his way or come to a compromise you both can live with.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Twt that the self-esteem issues are a major concern. Don't "try" to get yourself in gear. Just define what you are going to do to be active tomorrow and follow through. Then do that each day.