Still can't get over her.

[Landenenglish]

I need some advice guys. I'm sorry I wrote so much. I'm a senior in high school and i'm still not over my first love that ended over half a year ago. So I never really had a true serious girlfriend until I unexpectedly ran into this girl about 2 years ago and we fell in "love", if teenagers can have such a thing. She immediately became my whole world and it felt like she was perfect for me, and even though I had enough sense in the back of my mind to know it would eventually end, I let my feelings take over and I thought she was the one. The whole time I was with her I felt like I was floating in the clouds and swept off my feet and that I was really missing out on life big time before I met her. We both lost our virginity to each other and we made love often and built a really strong emotional connection. The relationship was a rocky road and a learning experience. Sadly there were lots of fights during most of the relationship mostly caused by me being an insecure dummy, but we always made up. Even though we always worked things out, I always felt like part of our relationship died with every fight. Eventually the relationship came to a crash last summer and ended pretty badly with lots of drama. She got into a rebound relationship a few days after the breakup. I was devastated because I had mistakenly made my whole life revolve around her for over a year. I did no contact and tried to get back into the dating game with not much luck. After about a month after the breakup and after her rebound had ended, she reached out and said she missed me and that she still loved me, and we started seeing each other again. We saw each other for a few weeks but soon the fighting started to come back and it ended badly again. We didn't talk at all until 2 months ago she reached out again saying basically the same thing about her missing me and loving me. We decided to go for a walk in the park to catch up, but it turned into us having sex in my car, which brought back lots of feelings. We didn't talk after that because her friends convinced her that we were bad for each other. I've been trying to get her off of my mind, but I can't resist the urge to look her up on social media constantly to see what she's up to. Since the initial breakup, I've only kissed a few girls. She's still the only girl I've had sex with. All the girls I've been talking to don't seem to compare at all. She used to tell me I would never find a girl like her, i'm starting to believe it's true. On a positive note, I've grown as a person more than ever. I play very well in sports and occupy my time working out and learning new things and doing the things I love. I have a close group of guy friends that support me, but when i'm alone at night I start missing her like crazy. I consider myself a very good looking guy, but I still haven't been able to come close to replacing her, partly because I won't settle for the average girl. I haven't felt that strong spark of attraction like I did with her. I feel like my love is something I can't control. I feel like i'm constantly passively depressed and wounded deep down even when I should be happy. I know we're not good for each other anymore, which is why I haven't reached out. I found out that she's seeing someone new now, which hurts even worse. I decided I needed help tonight when I listened to an old sweet voice-mail from her sent last year and I broke down in tears and cried hard. All the feelings rushed back and I miss her like crazy and realized how miserable my life is without her. Most people wouldn't expect a guy like me to be still down in the dumps. It's not so much her I miss, I miss the feeling I had while we were together, like the feeling of being deeply in love was what made me happy, and now that i'm alone, I can't enjoy life. Almost like the feeling deep true love was like a drug that I'm still addicted to, but can't find anymore. I need to get my emotional wrecked self straightened out before college. I don't want to wait 6 month until I go to college to be happy. I want to be happy now. Please help.

[sushiboat]

Hun, you said it yourself, you don't miss HER, you miss the FEELING of being in a relationship with her. Now this is normal, because all of the chemicals that come from being in a deep relationship are very addictive; but it also shows you that maybe you don't really love her the way you thought you did... It sounds like you lacked something in your life that you could not find by yourself, so in turn you DEPENDED on her to get your fix. Are you sure you are not just infatuated, or obsessed with the IDEA of being with her? Because if any of this is so, before you can enter a happy, fulfilling, and HEALTHY relationship with her, or anyone else, you're going to have to find peace with being single. I urge you to learn to love yourself more, because after reading your post, it does not sound like you do (at least not very much), and it also sounds like you were codependent on her, too, and neither of these are healthy.