GF has herpes?

[Mr.Mister]

I met a girl on January 1st, of this year. I asked her to be my gf at the beginning of February, so we've been dating for only one month. I've been making a lot of posts about her lately.

 

So, last night, she dropped a bombshell on me: she has herpes. She said she has it on both her mouth and on her genitals. She doesn't take medicine for it either, except when she has a symptom. She says she doesn't get those very often; only when she's really stressed.

 

I've never had a cold sore and I'm pretty sure I'm clean. I've never been tested for STDs, but my last gf got tested and came up negative for whatever STDs they test for. I have read that those kinds of tests often don't check for herpes, or won't detect herpes, so who knows how accurate that is.

 

Anyway, I really like this girl. I really feel like I want to be with her forever, but, I assume, that's a common feeling at the beginning of any relationship. It's probably just infatuation. I always wondered why a gorgeous women, who is very positive, kind, and nice (and has a perfect body), would be interested in me. I am just average looking, but I am nice, and she said she's looking for someone that has good values, like me. I always thought she could have any guy she wanted. Now, I realize that is not true, since herpes limits what potential partners she can have.

 

We have been taking things really slow, so nothing much more than holding hands. But, here's the scary part... we've kissed a few times. Just pecks, so not like making out or anything, and she doesn't have any visible sores. But, still, I've been reading you can get herpes without it being visible. I think I should go get tested, but can it even be detected at this point? I've heard they can check for antibodies in the blood, but it may not even show up. I've also heard that something like 80% of people have herpes already, but it's completely dormant.

 

I really like this girl, but we have had arguments about her wanting to change my looks and stuff like that. I don't want to lose her, but I'm sure I can find someone else that would be ok with my looks and would not have herpes. But, at the same time, I have never found someone that is so positive and kind the way my gf is. It's really rare to see. (And, I doubt I'll find a girl that is as attractive either, though that's not my deepest concern.)

 

Also, if I do have herpes now, from kissing her, or had herpes in a dormant state from the beginning, then I definitely wouldn't want to leave. But, if I stay and I don't kiss her, she will think I am upset with her and it could ruin everything. But, kissing her more, will just be more opportunity for me to get it.

 

Any advice?

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

Honestly if I were you I'd just break it off. I wouldn't want to risk getting herpes. Also she kept this very important thing from you. Something that you should've been told from the beginning (or at least before the first time you guys kissed). She could've given you herpes.

 

Also she says she wants to change your looks, you guys have only been going out for a month. If she wants to change something about you from the very beginning, it's normally a bad sign. I think you should distance yourself from her for a week or so. Tell her you need to sort out your feelings and have as little to no contact with her as you can for the week. Sort through your feelings, is getting herpes worth this girl that you've only known for two months?

 

I also think you should get tested

[Slyness]

Herpes, nope, nope, nope. Sorry bro, time to pack it up. Find a woman that wont give you a lifetime STD.

[Mischa234]

Honestly if I were you I'd just break it off. I wouldn't want to risk getting herpes. Also she kept this very important thing from you. Something that you should've been told from the beginning (or at least before the first time you guys kissed). She could've given you herpes.

 

Also she says she wants to change your looks, you guys have only been going out for a month. If she wants to change something about you from the very beginning, it's normally a bad sign. I think you should distance yourself from her for a week or so. Tell her you need to sort out your feelings and have as little to no contact with her as you can for the week. Sort through your feelings, is getting herpes worth this girl that you've only known for two months?

 

I also think you should get tested

 

Ugh, OP. I can't stand advice like this because it's missing the point entirely. Yes herpes is VERY common and you could get it from kissing ANYONE. She doesn't have a responsibility or need to avoid kissing you because she sometimes gets coldsores. Even though I can see the sense in "she should have warned you", cold sores are so unbelievably common and undiagnosed that you could have gotten it from ANYONE, you could definitely already have it before you met her, and the odds are most (if not all) of the people you have kissed in your life are either carriers or have kissed a carrier. Game over for anyone who's genuinely still afraid of coldsores.

[milly007]

OP, if you care about this girl and would like to be with her, make sure you educate yourself thoroughly on the herpes virus (i.e. - what preventative measures can be taken by you, if you were to get involved with her intimately, risks of contracting it, etc.) and then determine whether this is something you can live with.

 

I don't think anyone here can tell you anything different from what you already know. This is a judgment call. Only you know whether this is something you can live with.

[Mischa234]

Long post warning: But I have been in your position OP and am currently happy with my partner of >2.5 years who has herpes.

 

Now, for my actual advice post. I was in your position a bit over 2 and a half years ago, so I will share my experiences with you. My partner had genital herpes before we entered our relationship. Now before I go into detail, I will explain that he has never had an outbreak in our relationship and neither have I. But due to the fact we have had a lot of unprotected sex, it is likely I have herpes as well. To be honest, I don't care because it doesn't create an issue for me while we are together.

 

 

 

My first point of advice is Do your research.[/b]

 

You will need to do this to get your head around the bombshell. It's a shocker which is often dropped at the most inconvenient of times (right before anticipated intimacy). Be thankful first and foremost that she warned you before getting involved, that was the right and brave thing to do. Generally people with herpes don't have to warn you that they have it so long as they make sure a condom is used. She has laid herself on the line because she does want to protect you and let you make the ultimate choice. Unfortunately for people with herpes, they basically do have to screen potential partners for "care factor". It may be that you also have herpes, but most people who hear that line either don't or don't know that they do.

 

 

 

Herpes is extremely difficult to detect by standard STD tests, so I would get one done to clear yourself of anything else, and then forget about it. Don't waste time getting yourself tested frequently because it'll probably never show up (never has for me). But because it is so extremely contagious through skin to skin contact (even with no sores present: viral shedding), it is very likely that you will get it if you are with this person long term. You might never develop any symptoms, but you will know that you stand a high chance of being a carrier. And you'll probably freak out over insignificant bodily itches for the first year or so if you continue your relationship... lol.

 

 

 

If you do develop symptoms and your relationship ends, in the future you will be in the same position she is in now: having to find someone who can live with it. Even if you don't develop symptoms, if you are with her long term you probably will still need to tell every possible future partner that you are more than likely a carrier. How do you feel about that? How concerning is it to you that people will often react the way they are in this forum? (Freaking out, treating it like it's AIDS - it is so not!)

 

 

 

However, if you can accept that she has an incurable STD, you then need to ask yourself how you will deal with it. Are you comfortable to use a condom every time you have sex? After about 9 months in my relationship I eventually realised I needed more intimacy (and I was taking the pill) and we ditched condoms. I did regret that for a while...

 

 

 

You might think that it will make your relationship stronger to know that she has trouble finding others, but the reality is: only in the short term. In the long term, people's personality traits will come out. An STD does not change a person, it just changes their approach to dating and snagging a partner. If she is done with you in 1 years' time, the fact she has an STD and will find it harder to re-partner isn't going to inhibit her decision to leave whatsoever. Especially because she will know that it wasn't that hard seeing as you were able to get past her disease. Sorry to say it, but it's true - do not think this will make a better partner or relationship or even someone who won't cheat on you. It might decrease those chances a tiny bit but ultimately people are who they are despite an invisible or easily hidden physical flaw. You will still experience the same challenges in the long term that other couples do.

 

 

 

It does also work though, that if you invest in your relationship you may find a more loyal partner. But it is hard to know in this situation until you have been together a while... She is going to want you to stick around and going to be on her best behaviour to ensure that, but it's not permanent. Nothing you see in the first year of your relationship is going to be totally true behaviour, it will be driven by her survival instinct and need to feel accepted the way the rest of us do. That being said, this is common for pretty much anyone, STD or no STD.

 

 

 

So... how do you decide?

 

 

 

It's a personal choice. Nobody can make it for you. I went on a different site for advice when I entered my relationship, and got all negative responses. People are scared of herpes and don't realise that it can be such a minor issue for the majority of carriers. It takes a strong and very loving person to look past that, but don't be fooled into thinking that this means that your partner will be of better quality. All people have their flaws... herpes is just an extra one which can be scary to come to terms with. It doesn't replace any other normal flaws.

 

 

 

Ultimately you take a gamble, the same way you would with anyone else. You have a lot more to lose, but then again... if she really is the right person... you have a lot to gain.

 

 

 

Nobody here will be able to help you with your decision. Whatever you do, own it. Don't ever make her feel like she owes you anything for the decision you made... If things don't work out, you made that choice.

 

 

 

I personally am very happy with my partner and we have developed something strong, even though I have occasionally used it against him that I "clearly invested in this relationship a lot from the beginning by contracting an STD for you"... don't do what I did, it builds resentment that takes a while to dissolve lol.

 

 

Edit: I will admit that I was more reluctant to leave because of what I invested. I have always wanted to ensure that it was worth the risk that I took... at times that meant I have put up with some pretty poor behaviour out of desire to see the relationship through and ensure that I "get my money's worth" in a sense. Ultimately I did, and I am happy with the strength of our partnership. I'm not entirely sure if I would have had the tenacity I've had if I didn't have something to lose by leaving too soon.

 

 

For me, my choice has given me mostly positive ramifications. Nobody can see into the future though.

[milly007]

This is invaluable advice, and what better advice can someone receive than from an individual who has been through a similar situation.

[Capricorn3]

My partner had genital herpes before we entered our relationship. we have had a lot of unprotected sex, it is likely I have herpes as well. To be honest, I don't care because it doesn't create an issue for me while we are together..

Wouldn't you say this is being a little irresponsible? There is no guarantee that you will remain with this man forever, so what about future relationships and how it will affect a future partner, or the great possibility of never finding a man who would be willing to be with you (hopefully you would tell them)? Not bashing you, but just trying to understand this way of thinking. I can't get my head around it.

 

OP, hopefully you always make sure you use a condom.

[Willywagtail]

My ex had herpes and we were together for 12 years. You DO have to take care, but it's not as scary as you think.

 

I don't ever get cold sores, and never have. My ex didn't get cold sores, but he did get genital herpes. The episodes were triggered by stress as well.

 

We were ALWAYS careful not to have sex when he was getting herpes. He usually had mild flu like symptoms before the sores broke out. We had no sex at all when he had the sores, and not while they were healing. Occasionally we would have sex with a condom. Once the sores were completely healed we resumed having unprotected sex. We did this for 12 years.

 

This was my direct personal experience of having sex with someone that had genital herpes. I was very careful - he might have been a bit more cavalier if I'd allowed it!- but it was not passed on to me.

[starla95]

Just educate yourself about it. herpes is rarely talked about because most don't know they have it. I know a couple where the female has it and the man doesn't. They have been together for years and he is still negative. I've heard of 30+ yr relationships where it was not passed along. It is harder for a woman to pass it along to a man than the other way around. If she sticks to meds your odds are 1% per year ( isnt that the same odds of getting pregnant on the pill??) Her telling you says a lot about her character. And I disagree that she mislead you. She likely wanted to know that 1) she could trust you and 2) that she wanted to be with you for sure. Good luck!

[petite]

If you really like someone it shouldn't matter that much. Just be careful. It's not the end of the world, and I'd never end a relationship with someone over herpes, but would educate myself and take precautionary measures in protecting myself and my child.

[Mischa234]

Wouldn't you say this is being a little irresponsible? There is no guarantee that you will remain with this man forever, so what about future relationships and how it will affect a future partner, or the great possibility of never finding a man who would be willing to be with you (hopefully you would tell them)? Not bashing you, but just trying to understand this way of thinking. I can't get my head around it.

 

OP, hopefully you always make sure you use a condom.

 

I cared a lot at the start of my relationship, until I realised how silly it was to be concerned. Herpes may not be curable, but for the large majority of people who have it, it is asymptomatic. Neither he nor I have ever had an outbreak. And that is quite common for most people with it. It is common for it to lay dormant for years and be undiagnosed regardless of the number of tests taken. Unless there is an outbreak it may not be apparent, but that doesn't mean that someone can't have it and be a carrier. Just because I have willingly let myself be that person doesn't actually differentiate me a huge amount to the rest of the population. Many people would have had unprotected sex and come into contact with herpes and never have had it diagnosed. They too could have it. It's just that elusive, and therefore futile to try and protect yourself. The only real protection is abstinence and no sex before marriage.

 

I may have more trouble in the future finding a partner, but there are a large number of herpes positive dating sites for those who are diagnosed with it. It is very very common. Not only that, but if I have never had an outbreak, it's unlikely to be a major issue for every single man I encounter. It was relatively easy for him to find me, and another poster here (Gollum) dated a herpes positive person.

 

Once you have been informed about it, it takes away the stigma and the fear. Yes - it might create problems in the future. But if you find someone that you are strongly attracted to and really care for, do your research and realise the realities about herpes (not the horror stories of those few poor souls who get regular outbreaks), you'd realise it's really not that big of an issue.

 

The difference in dating is literally between finding someone like me versus finding someone like you - that's not meant to be an insult, it's just that people are going to have different opinions and levels of concern about the issue. All are equally valid because ultimately it is a choice you make with your body.

 

But yes, I do think it has strengthened our bond to be open about it and what it means for us. We even make jokes about it... so what?

 

You have one life, it's not necessarily irresponsible to take some calculated risks. I got what I ultimately took a risk for, anyhow, which is a long term relationship and strong bond. While we are together, it is worth it, and even afterwards, it will have been worth it. I just hope that, if I ever found myself dating again, someone one day can look at me the way I looked at him. I think it's very possible.

 

I'm not afraid

[Mischa234]

The only issue I have with this post is that it is actually very likely that you are herpes positive, Gollum, because you were with a herpes positive man for over a decade. You are probably asymptomatic. Viral shedding is so common, and he also had outbreaks meaning he was more contagious than someone who is completely asymptomatic (the sores are the most contagious, as you would know, before, during, and after they appear).

 

What concerns me is that I don't know you could safely say you did not contract it. Surely you would know that it will be almost impossible to detect on an STD test? Have you had partners since and have you warned them that you are likely a carrier?

 

This for me is a huge moral dilemma... I would tell, personally, because my partner has taught me to be strong about it and I took this on as our shared "life sentence" if you will, the longer we were together. If I was ever dating again, I would have to tell a prospective partner that I'd been in contact with herpes for a long time through unprotected sex, and that although I have never had symptoms or tested positive for it, due to the nature of the disease I am probably a carrier and they should take extra precaution and be aware that they can catch it from me.

 

But then again, it is not necessarily a moral or legal requirement that you tell if you 1. Haven't been diagnosed, and 2. Practice safe sex for your partner's benefit.

 

What do you do?

[pippy longstocking]

here is a really good thread op ....16 pages of it all ....

 

 

[Mr.Mister]

Thank you all for responding. You are right. I am the one that ultimately has to make the decision, as it is my body. But, advice is always nice. I mean, isn't that what this site is mostly about? haha

 

After hearing what you guys have said, and, after searching on my own for awhile last night, I think that it's quite possible that I already have HSV1, even though I've never had a symptom. I mean, a lot of people have it, but don't realize it. So, I think I am ok kissing her. HSV1 doesn't carry as much of a stigma as HSV2 anyway. So, I figure we can just keep going slow and, if I get it on my lips, it won't be as much of a problem in the future as if I get it on the genitals. Also, my gf assumes she has both HSV1 and 2 because she has it in both spots. But, you could have just one of them and transfer them to other spots. It's not as common, but it does happen. Even so, we are still taking it slow and I just won't do anything sexual with her until we are sure we want to be together and get married. I mean, we have only been dating for a month. It is a little to quick to say if it'll work. But, I really hope it does.

 

Mischa234, thank you for the long post. I read it all and it really made me think. I am glad to see some people wanted to give me advice after the first couple people saying "get out now!". haha

 

... If she sticks to meds your odds are 1% per year ...

She doesn't take medication. I have read that if you get HSV1 around your genitals the risk of passing it on drops to around 1% after you've had it for a year (though your partner can still pass it to your genitals via oral sex). I read doctor's actually don't recommend taking those herpes medications for just HSV1. There might be side effects from the medications that will be worse in the long run. But, I've also read it's really hard for doctor's to tell if someone has HSV1 or 2. So, since my gf doesn't know which she has, maybe she should be taking the medications. I guess, if we just don't have sex, it won't really matter too much.

 

shooting star, I actually searched for threads before I posted, and saw that one already. I just felt I needed to create my own thread to get some more specific advice. Thanks though.

 

 

The thing that really concerns me now is this: she said she wanted me to dress better, which I was ok with. But, then, she basically said she didn't want to be with me if I wasn't willing to dress better. So we talked and, in a previous thread, I wrote:

... my gf and I talked yesterday again. Since English isn't her first language, sometimes she has a hard time with it. She basically said that she accepts me for me and that she'll be with me regardless of whether I change everything or not. She just prefers that I wear nicer clothes and have good dental hygiene.

I assumed that was the end of that. I would wear nicer stuff sometimes, and she said she was ok if I wanted to wear the stuff I wear now sometimes. I mean, she doesn't always dress up for me, but, I do like it when she does. So, I understand what she was saying. Or so I thought...

 

Yesterday, we were texting about what we'll do on our next date, and she suggested that I take all my old clothes to a thrift store, goodwill, or somewhere, and sell them. It's like "I thought you were ok with me wearing those clothes sometimes? Now you want me to sell them??" I wouldn't even question if I want to be with her (except for the herpes thing), but it really seems like she is not accepting me, just because of my clothes. That can't be a good sign. Time will tell, I guess.

 

I was thinking "I shouldn't give up on her, just because she is not happy with what I wear. That is material and doesn't really matter." But, now I am thinking, "Well, she is not happy with how I look and she has herpes." Eventually, if she gets sick of the clothes I wear or the hairstyles I have or whatever else, she might be the one to end it and then I'd be stuck with herpes. Ugh. Again, we are taking it slow, so I guess, as long as we don't do anything sexual, we can get to know each other without me catching genital herpes. And, if she brings it up again, about changing my clothes or my health or my whatever, then maybe I will rethink this relationship some more. I really like her so much, so it's really hard for me to just let her go. But, if it gets too bad, I guess I will have to.

 

Again, thanks for the advice everyone!

[Cheetarah]

I had a cold sore/herpes HSV1 on my mouth when I was 7. Haven't had one since(I'm 32). So the virus is hanging out in my body, lying dormant since then. It's possible that I could have a flare eventually. Or not.

 

I just want to say, I'm really glad she told you about her genital herpes before you were intimate. I don't think she hid anything from you. This is your decision, but I do want to say that it does speak of her character that she was upfront about it to you. It sounds to me like she gave it a bit of time to feel you and where this dating relationship could potentially go, and then decided to share it with you at what I would say is an appropriate time - Before sexual intimacy, and not when you're 8 months or more deep into this relationship.

 

Might be an unpopular opinion, but I do not feel that a person need to disclose such things very early on(unless there is sexual intimacy, of course).

[bulletproof]

I don't think she should be suggesting to you that you throw out all your clothes. However, I do think she has a say in you having good dental hygiene. She does have to kiss you.

 

Regarding the herpes, it sounds like you are not able to get past it if you are thinking things about how this makes her less "worthy" for dating others. It almost sounds like you're doing her a favor by dating her. So maybe this isn't the best match after all.

 

But if you do decide to stay with her, please, please be responsible and wear a condom.

[tiredofvampires]

This posts suggests that if you have sexual contact with someone with herpes, you're basically going to have to accept that you've gotten herpes. It suggests that if you risk sex with someone infected with herpes, after/if you break up with them, you'll have to assume you have herpes.

 

And that if you love the person, you might as well do away with barrier methods of protection like condoms.

 

Wrong!

 

Mischa, there are some false things in your post, and I've highlighted them (which you might be really relieved about, as this doesn't have to be a big mystery with a huge moral dilemma): HERPES BLOOD TESTS FOR LONG-STANDING ANTIBODIES ARE ACCURATE.

 

HERPES TESTS THESE DAYS ARE QUITE RELIABLE (If you wait the required amount of time without having sexual contact before the test, which is 3-4 months).

 

THEY CAN SHOW WHETHER YOU ARE A CARRIER, EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE SYMPTOMS, BECAUSE YOUR BODY HAS MADE ANTIBODIES TO THE VIRUS.

 

If you have not tested IgG positive for HSV1 and HSV2, you have not contracted it most likely. False negative tests (meaning, tests that reassure you you don't have it, but you really do) are not common if you wait through that timeframe (window period).

 

And finally, it was wrong to say to your boyfriend that you invested in a relationship by getting and STD for him. Too bad you laid that on him, when that's not apparently true, as your tests so far are negative!

 

You do not automatically acquire herpes by getting into a relationship with someone with herpes!

 

OP, if you take precautions every time you have sex, using a condom, or if doing oral, using a dental dam, and just using common sense when she's not having a breakout on her mouth or genitals, you greatly reduce the chances of getting herpes, and if you break up with her, you may well be herpes-free.

 

I would definitely suggest routine herpes tests, at least 6 months apart because if you get the virus, for about 3-4 months your body is still not likely to show it (takes a while for the telltale antibodies to show up, as stated above.)

 

If your relationship with her ends, you can take a test 3 and 6 months afterwards (with no other partners during that time), and if you don't have either HSV1 or HSV2, you can tell future partners that you do not have herpes with good confidence.

 

So don't think you have to take this on if you "really love her" and stop using protection. Keep using protection until you're sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her and have had a long, serious relationship that's healthy!

 

It so far doesn't sound like it will be all that healthy, with her trying to change you. It sounds like you're so blown away by someone like her showing you attention, you're willing to overlook the possibility of contracting herpes. I think you see your own blindedness here.

 

It's too soon to stake out your life and health and future. Either protect yourself carefully now, or leave. You owe it to yourself.

 

As for kissing, I don't agree that just because oral herpes is common, that means you ought to knowingly expose yourself. I think you should try to figure out how much about this girl you like because she likes you and has a perfect body and is beautiful, and how much really has a good chance of working.

 

I would suggest you get tested to assess your baseline status. Find out if you are negative so far for both strains of the virus. Wait 3 months before kissing her again. Then test again, and you'll know whether or not you already got something from her.

 

I know this sounds extreme for some people, but honestly, I'm not impressed by her kissing you on the mouth and then telling you she has herpes. I think that if you KNOW you have it, you should tell it to someone so they can make an informed choice, no matter how common the virus is. So it's a strike against her.

 

If she balks at your getting tested so you know your status starting off in this early relationship, that's even more against her.

 

She should respect your future and health, if she really cares about you.

 

Info on the herpes testing to ask for:

 

link removed

link removed

 

PROTECT YOURSELF, AND GET CLEAR WHETHER THIS RISK IS WORTH IT.

[tiredofvampires]

So, I think I am ok kissing her. HSV1 doesn't carry as much of a stigma as HSV2 anyway. So, I figure we can just keep going slow and, if I get it on my lips, it won't be as much of a problem in the future as if I get it on the genitals.

 

You're right about the stigma, but it's a little silly. Because people are not as aware that the oral version can be spread to the genitals via oral sex. If you get it on your mouth (whether you are aware of it or not), and go down on a woman, you can give her oral herpes on her genitals.

 

It's easier for you to give someone oral herpes on the genitals than vice versa (genital herpes to mouth.) For some reason, the oral strain is more inclined to like the genitals than the genital strain likes the mouth. They tend to like their own "areas", but the oral just transmits easier to the genitals for some reason.

 

It really would be helpful for her to get tested to see which of the two, or both, she may have. Then at least you know how transmissible what is, and get clear.

 

You sound pretty insecure and also somewhat inexperienced. To be talking about marriage after a month is not a sign that you're entirely thinking clearly, and this business about her wanting you to change your hair and clothes for her is really bad news. She honestly doesn't sound like a keeper at all, and very immature and controlling. I think she may use you, as she feels you're a safe bet and accepting of her, but soon she may take advantage of you and you'll be stuck with herpes if you don't watch out (and she should be taking anti-viral medication if there are no adverse reactions for her).

 

Btw, I'm in favor of everyone getting STD testing, including herpes, any time they get physically intimate (before and after a partner). That's how we can prevent infection from spreading in the community, and take responsibility for ourselves and our partners' health. Knowledge is power, and integrity requires it.

[tiredofvampires]

Just reading more of Mischa's posts...

 

To repeat: Protecting yourself is NOT futile, the virus is NOT elusive, and it can be detected through antibody testing even if you are a CARRIER and never have symptoms.

 

You GREATLY reduce your chances of getting herpes from your partner if you use a condom every time you have sex!

[Mr.Mister]

This posts suggests that if you have sexual contact with someone with herpes, you're basically going to have to accept that you've gotten herpes. It suggests that if you risk sex with someone infected with herpes, after/if you break up with them, you'll have to assume you have herpes. And that if you love the person, you might as well do away with barrier methods of protection like condoms. Wrong!

 

I don't think that person was suggesting that I ditch condoms, nor was I planning on it. Plus, as I've mentioned over and over, this girl and I are taking it slow. We have barely kissed and held hands. That is it. I'm not planning on having sex with her any time soon. Even if we did have sex, many months from now, it'd be with a condom.

 

HERPES BLOOD TESTS FOR LONG-STANDING ANTIBODIES ARE ACCURATE. HERPES TESTS THESE DAYS ARE QUITE RELIABLE (If you wait the required amount of time without having sexual contact before the test, which is 3-4 months). THEY CAN SHOW WHETHER YOU ARE A CARRIER, EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE SYMPTOMS, BECAUSE YOUR BODY HAS MADE ANTIBODIES TO THE VIRUS.

 

First of all, there is no need for you to be getting angry. This is an advice forum, and they were kind enough to share their own experiences. Next time, try not to be rude, and stay away from writing in all caps.

 

Second, all the research I have done on the topic has told me that antibody tests often have false-positives and can't tell the difference between HSV1 and HSV2. But, I thought I'd look up some more recent information, based on what you said.

 

General antibody tests are still available, and are probably about the same as they were before, with false-positives and no type detection. However, type 2 HSV serologic testing is available now, and is much more accurate. It does test for antibodies, but very specific antibodies, and it can tell which type of HSV a person has. This is what your source calls IgG antibodies tests. I do not know the price of these tests, so I do not know how reasonable it would be to just go get one of these tests done. But, they are supposedly available all over. And, yes, as you said, you need to wait quite a while for the antibodies to develop before the testing is going to find anything.

 

... it was wrong to say to your boyfriend that you invested in a relationship by getting and STD for him.

I am sure she brought that up in the heat of the moment, and regretted it later. That is why she said she suggests not to do that. People say things they don't mean from time to time. If you've ever been in an argument with a SO, I am sure you've experienced this, so please give her a break.

 

It so far doesn't sound like it will be all that healthy, with her trying to change you. It sounds like you're so blown away by someone like her showing you attention, you're willing to overlook the possibility of contracting herpes. I think you see your own blindedness here.

That is quite possible. But, I do feel she has a lot going for her and that someone like her is rare to find. Plus, some of her suggested changes are probably justified (like having me brush my teeth better). At the same time, some of them are a bit annoying, and I am sure I could find someone else that would be willing to accept me as I am, without all the changes. But, would they be as good at heart or have such a positive nature? Probably not. Then again, I'll never know unless I try.

 

As for kissing, I don't agree that just because oral herpes is common, that means you ought to knowingly expose yourself. I think you should try to figure out how much about this girl you like because she likes you and has a perfect body and is beautiful, and how much really has a good chance of working.

I know it's not the best move, but it's the choice I made. She doesn't have any visible sores, so the chances of spreading are reduced. But, with viral shedding being a thing, it's quite possible it could spread to me. But, even so, I am not really concerned. I have several friends with HSV1 and it's not even that big of a deal. They have dated and had normal relationships with no problems. But, HSV2, and the stigma surrounding it, makes for a bad time. If I get HSV2, from this girl, and we break up, it will become extremely difficult to find someone that will be willing to date me. HSV2 is usually a deal breaker, but I am willing to wait and see what happens with this girl. But, I am not going to have sex with her or anything until I am 100% sure about her.

 

You sound pretty insecure and also somewhat inexperienced. To be talking about marriage after a month is not a sign that you're entirely thinking clearly, and this business about her wanting you to change your hair and clothes for her is really bad news. She honestly doesn't sound like a keeper at all, and very immature and controlling. I think she may use you, as she feels you're a safe bet and accepting of her, but soon she may take advantage of you and you'll be stuck with herpes if you don't watch out (and she should be taking anti-viral medication if there are no adverse reactions for her).

I am quite inexperienced. Insecure? Maybe, but mostly I am just extremely logical. We talked about marriage and having children very quickly, but this is because we are both older (I am 31, she is 35). She does not want to waste time. Really, we are not saying things like "when we get married", "when we have children", etc. We basically just said, if this relationship works out, we'd like to get married and start a family within the next two years. We are taking things slow, so we are just getting to know each other for now.

 

Her wanting to change me... well, I agree with you there. It seems a bit odd. But, she is Japanese, and I guess that fashion, appearance, etc. are very important over there. I know, when I was in Japan, people would do almost anything to be fashionable and stylish, including wearing shorts in freezing weather. It doesn't seem logical to me, but it may just be a cultural difference. If it gets to a point where I can't handle all the changes, then we may have to go our separate ways anyway. Thanks for the advice.

[tiredofvampires]

First of all, there is no need for you to be getting angry. This is an advice forum, and they were kind enough to share their own experiences. Next time, try not to be rude, and stay away from writing in all caps.

 

I am not the least bit angry. I had only the intention of being emphatic, and it's easlier to hit "shift caps" than go back and bold or italicize everything when you're trying to conserve time.

 

Nor do I think I was being rude -- I simply pointed out that another poster had been mislead all the while, and that she may also derive some relief from what I've posted. Even after a lot of research on her end, she states that she believes she is already a carrier, and would have a moral dilemma to face with a new partner. She said that it's almost impossible to know if you've contracted the virus, it's "elusive," and that she stopped using condoms because she realized the futility of them when she is probably exposing herself anyway and wants a serious, intimate relationship.

 

I said nothing to discredit or disrespect her experiences. I was merely bringing attention to the facts that were wrong, so that you wouldn't (and others on the thread, whoever is reading) wouldn't go by facts that are not correct, even if well-intentioned.

 

I also would say that because I've been so careful about my own health with regard to STD's, I don't just rely on internet research. You have to ask qualified medical experts. I don't know who she has asked and whether she was given misinformation (that can happen, too!), but no medical professional who knows about this subject well will tell you that it's almost impossible to know your status and that if you are testing negative for herpes 1 and 2 (if that's what the poster got tested for), that you could still be a carrier and not know it. As a patient, I ask questions to the doctors like, "What would be the most definitive test, and can we do it? Will I know if I don't have the specific strains after this test?" Questions like that eradicate the confusion that has been presented here as fact.

 

This is completely not a personal attack on anyone, it's about facts.

 

No offense meant to anyone, OP.

 

These are tests I merely ask a gynecologist to order, though any GP could order them as well. And you can get them free at STD clinics. Herpes tests are covered by most insurances.

 

I got an HSV1 and HSV2 test just 6 months ago with my nurse practitioner, and was negative on both (as I have been in the past). I did so because my potential partner (who turned out to not be involved with me) was super concerned about catching any STD, including oral herpes. We fooled around with no kissing or exchange of body fluids for a few weeks, while my test results were pending. That was the first time I ever refrained from kissing a man I liked, even though I start new intimate relationships with full testing, including for herpes 1 and 2 (and I've been doing that for years). I didn't mind the wait, because I wanted to reassure him (a girl had kissed him once and then told him she had herpes, but was not sure which strain. So he freaked out, and I was sympathetic.)

 

I personally would have been alarmed had I tested positive for HSV1, knowing that I could transmit it to a guy during fellatio when I'm shedding. Maybe other people think nothing of that possibility, but that's more because of the shame created around HSV2 rather than the facts about transmission of HSV1. Herpes is herpes, and people don't associate HSV1 with genitals, so in their minds they see a big distinction. It's really not logical, it's emotional. An outbreak is an outbreak, whichever one you have. Once you have herpes of the mouth on your genitals, it really would equally scare off potential partners, if they are of a mind to write off people with genital sores/herpes.

 

False positives are quite rare -- ask your doctor. False negatives are less rare, but rare enough that doctors who do type-specific testing for herpes will tell you with confidence (and no fear of a malpractice suit) that you are clear if you test negative, which has been my history. (Also, if you're inclined to worry about anything, you need to worry more about false negatives than false positives, because you don't want to be lulled into thinking you're clear when you're not.)

 

This means that the "sensitivity" of the type-specific herpes tests is good. As well as the "specificity" (meaning, how well the test can identify/discriminate the germ you're looking for.)

 

link removed

 

Excerpt:

 

Interpretive Information

 

These assays are highly sensitive (91%–100%) and specific (93%–100%) for HSV-1 and HSV-2 infection, even in the absence of symptoms. Thus, a negative result suggests absence of infection. Because antibodies may take several weeks to reach detectable levels after primary infection, negative results should be confirmed by repeat testing 4 to 6 weeks later in cases of suspected early infection.

A positive result strongly suggests infection with HSV.

 

I just wanted you to have the correct info, so that you're cautious where you need to be, and not worried about grave issues that don't exist, OP. I was worried on your behalf about (mis)information perhaps guiding you in ways you might regret.

 

Good luck. And again -- consult with professionals who deal with STD testing and patients day in and day out, not the internet, which is a wealth of contradictory information and anecdotes that may or may not contain accurate facts sometimes. Again, no offense to anyone who is trying to help.

[BigKK]

TOV I find that often when people say blank statements about a number of subjects, in this case std's, they are simply worried about the actual truth. So it's easier to assume you have it, than take an actual accurate test and have the results be black and white.

[tiredofvampires]

TOV I find that often when people say blank statements about a number of subjects, in this case std's, they are simply worried about the actual truth. So it's easier to assume you have it, than take an actual accurate test and have the results be black and white.

 

Agreed, Big -- that's a good point.

 

But assuming you have something you're scared of instead of testing (thoroughly, and with no "I don't know which one was tested" type vagueness) should not become advice for others who want accurate data on their health status. (Not that the other poster was doing this, I don't know her, but if anyone was/is doing it.)

 

I do feel that the other poster seems to think she HAS herpes, since she said for some time, she laid it on her boyfriend that she has invested in a relationship that gave her an STD. Again, I don't know her or her psychology, but I question how that line of thinking benefits the OP when it's so divorced from facts. It was presented (again, I think with good intentions) as one of the stages OP should be aware of, in dealing emotionally with the risk he's taking. Which he doesn't need to go through!

[BigKK]

Agreed, Big -- that's a good point.

 

But assuming you have something you're scared of instead of testing should not become advice for others who want accurate data on their health status. (Not that the other poster was doing this, I don't know her, but if anyone was doing it.)

 

I do feel that the other poster seems to think she HAS herpes, since she said for some time, she laid it on her boyfriend that she has invested in a relationship that gave her an STD. Again, I don't know her or her psychology, but I question how that line of thinking benefits the OP when it's so divorced from facts. It was presented as one of the stages OP should be aware of, in dealing emotionally with the risk he's taking. Which he doesn't need to go through!

 

I agree, I'm glad you addressed it I cringed a little bit. Overall it was some good points but in a day and age when we have so much at our fingertips I still am surprised by the misinformation we have about such important subjects. To just concede that you have an std because PROBABLY is a shame. Sharing such ideas with others can be damaging.