CharlieCheese Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Hi there im finding myself in a bit of a pickled, firstly me and my partner have been together for three years, we both have full time jobs and have our own home, I have a son to my ex husband but regardless my partner has loved my son everyday as if he was his own. Making our family bigger is something I feel I am ready for, we have spoken about it previously about a year ago but haven't spoken about it since. My partner truly is spectacular, kind, loving and just all round amazing and would make a brilliant father. But how do I tell him I'm ready for a child with him? Is it too soon? Will it change the relationship he has with my son? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Charlie x Link to comment
Denguin Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 How did he react when you spoke about it a year ago? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I don't think you should bring it up until you get the situation with your ex husband straightened out. And adding another child to the mix doesn't make sense. Are you living together? Engaged? Link to comment
Snny Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 This was posted less than a month ago concerning your ex husband going violent and sending you death threats: when he left he rang the landlords to which resulted in me and my 1 year old at the time homeless. My ex didn't see his son for 10months i had a solicitor involved trying to sort out a reasonable contact arrangement which would include a residency order due to the fact of the threats of "you'll never see your son again, think I'll bring him back? You try to come and get him when I have him I will f*****g kill you and bury you myself where nobody can find your pathetic body" etc etc. he moved closer to us a week before all the paper work was to be finalised and so was therefore voided You need to sort this out entirely until he is completely out of your life until you can consider bringing in additional children into your life. Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Thank you for your concerns with my ex husband, things are well and truly under way to getting sorted with lawyers and what not Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 First, you need to establish your level of commitment with your partner. I see you say you have been with him for 3 years, yet your other thread says you only left your husband 2 years ago, so this relationship obviously started as an affair, and affairs historically have a very poor chance of translating into a permanent second marriage or relationship. They are good for a while, but eventually the knowledge that you got each other by cheating on a spouse makes them wonder if you'll do the same to them, and the relationship disintegrates. So i notice you don't say he's your husband, just a partner. have you even had discussions with him about whether he intends to marry you or not? Or whether he sees you as a permanent partner, or he's still figuring out whether he wants to stay with you for life or not? whether he even wants children with you or not? So you can't shy away from those conversations at this point, and need to sit down with him and have them. Just openly ask him how he's feeling about the relationship, whether he wants to commit to marriage, whether he wants to have a child with him, and how soon he might consider it. Those things should be an open negotiation, where both of you work out something you are comfortable with. There is no way around that, where you have to talk to him about what his perceived level of commitment is, and also to tell him you're feeling broody and would like to add another child to the mix, and determine whether he feels the same or not. If he doesn't, i suggest you don't push him into it, or you may end up in another break up if you go forward with an 'accidental on purpose' pregnancy then he bolts because he really didn't want that or wasn't ready for it yet. You really should resolve all the baggage from your marriage before proceeding on something like this, and also work thru the issues that happen when a relationship is born out of an affair where distrust and a concern about permanancy or commitment is brought into the relationship from the very beginning. You might consider some couples counseling to help make this decision and determine whether your relationship is strong enough to survive the stress of introducing a child into it, and whether his level of commitment is strong enough to warrant a child if he is not willing to commit to a marriage. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Thank you for your concerns with my ex husband, things are well and truly under way to getting sorted with lawyers and what not That is amazing progress in 30 days. Back to the question at hand. Does your partner want a child or are you trying to "solidify" the relationship. Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Wow ok wasn't expecting that kind of response, as I said things are well on their way to getting sorted haven't said they have been, I was just asking how I go about asking, crikey it's not like I'm falling pregnant tomorrow, of course it's something that needs a lot of thought I'm not a complete idiot. As far as "is he prepared to marry me" getting married is something I've rushed into before and honestly it would be years before I consider getting engaged, no I'm not "solidifying" the relationship, am I so wrong for wanting a new addition to my family in the near future? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Yes. Because of you don't want to get engaged for years...adding a child to this Union, including the ex who will always be in your life...makes no sense. You are 20... Many years to have another child once your life is in order. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Children need stable childhoods, so yes ,solidify your future before having more kids. Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 The only thing that isn't in order in my life right now is the contact between my ex and my son, Because I don't want to get married again yet means I should veer away from having children? In all honesty I love my partner but I don't think I'll want to get married again, a ring and a bit of paper isn't security I found that one out quite quickly, so, in terms of "securing my future" what would you suggest I do that doesn't involve marriage? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 The contact between a man who has threatened you...and is the father of your son, and who will be a part of this "family" dynamic needs resolution. Not "on its way". Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Yes and it will be sorted hopefully within the next month or so, as I said previously I don't plan on getting pregnant tomorrow and giving birth the next day, I am on a contraceptive called Depo provera so I'll be relatively infertile for the next year give or take anyway. I could understand your point if I was planning children as of tomorrow but it's not quite like that Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Is it that you want your kids to be close in age? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I would have some type of legal bond -like a domestic partnership -with your partner before bringing a child into the relationship. Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 I would like my children to be close in age, I work as a midwife and see lots of families who's childrens ages are far away and hearing some of their stories i don't want my children's ages to be far apart. in the uk a domestic partnership "civil partnership" is essentially the same as marriage and falls under the same law Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I would like my children to be close in age, I work as a midwife and see lots of families who's childrens ages are far away and hearing some of their stories i don't want my children's ages to be far apart. in the uk a domestic partnership "civil partnership" is essentially the same as marriage and falls under the same law But is it really best for your children to have two different fathers neither of which is married to you? I'd focus more on that than on logistics. Plenty of people have kids with large age gaps and it works fine -and close age gaps might not -it's more random than I think you believe. What is not random are the risks where the children are brought up by two different fathers, neither of which is married to the mother - sounds less than stable from the starting gate. How do you talk to your partner -here's what I did -we had talked a lot about our goals for a family -one day I told him I'd like to start trying. He agreed, we also agreed our wedding date would change as needed if I got pregnant sooner rather than later. I think the ultimate conversation lasted less than 2 minutes. We had talked about having a family for years, easily and joyfully. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I would like my children to be close in age, I work as a midwife and see lots of families who's childrens ages are far away and hearing some of their stories i don't want my children's ages to be far apart. in the uk a domestic partnership "civil partnership" is essentially the same as marriage and falls under the same law This isn't about a civil partnership. This is raising another child in a environment where there isn't a stable base established. And if you have been with your bf for 3 yrs, how can bringing up having a child be so difficult? Except that due to your circumstances, you feel he isn't interested in adding another child to the confusion. Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 I think some of you guys aren't getting the point, I have made a personal choice of probably never getting married again, marriage does not secure or stable anything, I know this from past experience, I married my ex because everyone said it would "secure" the relationship, didn't happen. Raising a child is never easy no matter who you are regardless of weather they are fathered by different men weather it be in a years time or 3 years time it makes no difference to there being 2 separate fathers and regardless of the age gap. My partner doesn't have a child of his own hence why "how do I speak about it" Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Honey....I want another child. Do you see yourself having a child with me? Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 its never that easy Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Honey....I want another child. Do you see yourself having a child with me? Right. This. My partner didn't have a child when we talked about it and neither did I. It was that easy. I could not disagree with the OP more on her "who cares" attitude about bringing a child into this world in the situation she is currently in. That is where I see this not being easy -your partner might have understandable trepidation about fathering your child in these circumstances and your plea that you want children close in age will not win the day, I don't think. Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Pray tell me what situation I'm im, "divorced woman in a full time job who owns her home who is in a loving caring relationship wants to expand family" your honestly telling me that sounds so tragic? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 You have an unstable ex. You clearly got involved with current bf before you the ink was dry on the divorce. You have never processed the end of your marriage as you were already with this guy. You are 20...which means you someone managed to do this all very young...while you were practically a child. You own your home? It wasn't a marital asset? Link to comment
CharlieCheese Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Yes I own my own home, no it wasn't a marital asset as I was in a council house living on benefits whilst I was married, not something I'm proud of, how I got my home is a different story all together and frankly none of your business I had my reasons for forming a relationship with my partner I don't expect anybody to understand and In all honesty I couldn't care how much of a hussy or whatever your all thinking I am. Yes I was barely an adult, some things in life make you grow up quicker than we expect, anything else you feel I need to explain to you? Link to comment
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