Natural reaction to fear of commitment?

[drcryogen]

My Wife and I have been separated for 6 months. Just a couple of weeks ago, we decided to give it another shot and started dating and trying to work things out. Things have been going really well up until last night. All of the sudden she stopped keeping promises. We were supposed to spend the evening together last night and just watch movies. She told me she was going to a friends house for a beer and some girl time. This is not unusual since she lived with this friend after our separation. The problem here is we made plans and she broke them. She did not show up for 5 hours and when she did show up, she had a hickey on her neck. She tried to play it off and initially denied it. After 30 minutes of convincing her that I wasn't stupid, threatening to call her friend (who coincidentally has no idea this happened and would deffinately be upset and feel used if she found out), and assuring her we could work through whatever had happened, she finally admited that she left her friend's house at X hour and went to a local bar. At said bar, she met this guy and they started making out and hence the hickey. Before I had seen the hickey, she was very remorseful and apologetic about not keeping our plans. I now feel that this is remorse for her other actions as well. She then stated that the reason she did it was because I had freaked her out, scared her and was smothering her, stating things were progressing too quickly. I don't dissagree that things were progressing too quickly. However, my question is this: Is it normal for someone with this fear of commitment or things moving too fast to act in such a manner? Is she in fear of losing her newfound freedom and she did this to reaffirm that she still could do what she wants when she wants and is in control of her own life? I have no doubt that she regreted this after the fact and she had great fear of losing what we have begun to reestablish and this is why she didn't want to tell me initially. If it is the concensus that this is sometimes normal behavior, my next question is this: How do we avoid this ever happening again? She assured me it would never happen again, but when I asked what happens next time she gets scared, she had no answer and no affirmations. All thoughts are welcomed and requested.

 

Also, if anybody has any recommendations or references on how to give space and not smother yet still provide a loving and emotionally supportive relationship, those are also welcomed. This is one area that I recognize that I need a lot of help in!

 

Thank you,

 

Doc

[Cecelius]

Without invading your territory about why you are trying to put things together, let me point this out:

 

you wife (even if estranged) went to a bar and in a couple of hours made out with a guy who gave her a hickey.

 

Next.

 

If she's going to act like that, why would you want to put it back together? You have no way of veryifying or making sure that she doesn't do this again.

 

And do not confuse yourself into thinking this is the only time its happened.

 

Step back, get divorced and find a woman who doesn't hook up.

[Day_Walker]

You need to realize that your wife's actions are telling you that she doesnt want to get back together with you. She may say differently but you need to take notice of these things. Your response to her actions are simple get a divorce and be involved with a woman who actually wants to be involved with you.

[sparkey]

You want to know if her actions are normal ?

 

They are normal for someone that isn't interested in you or maybe thinks you are a pushover. What did you tell her ? See sometimes guys (us hehe) can be TOO UNDERSTANDING!!!!!

 

Her behaviour is not acceptable and she should be told as much. There is no need to be mean or ACT tough. BE TOUGH

 

Tell her that what she did is not acceptable, does not convey any interest on her part to salvage your marriage and it is time to move on with your life.

 

I have no idea why the two of you separated. If you have childern or all the details. For example did someone cheat on the other ? Have you both tried marriage counseling or even individual counseling. Problems just dont disappear over night. It takes a lot o work and sacrifice!

 

You can't control what she does, so focus on what you can do for YOU!

[drcryogen]

Okay... I see where each of you are coming from so far and here is what I can say. Before the separation, there were never any actions like this. Nobody cheated on anybody else. I just didn't do a very good job of treating her like she should have been treated. I never abused her verbally or physically. I just made stupid mistakes like not keeping promises and telling little lies about our finances. Also and I think this is a big also... In the last year and a half of our marriage, I turned into a total ass. I was under a lot of stress, I was working 70+ hrs a week at work, my mom passed away, and I just stopped caring. I went into a state of depression and gained weight, and totally changed my demeanor. This has been verified by my therapist. Initially when we split up, I asked for counseling and she refused. When we started talking again, even though things were going well, we still both agreed to seek counseling. We just hadn't made it that far yet. As far as her actions, I did tell her that her in a nice way that her actions did not indicate she wanted to work things out and they certainly weren't actions that a "lady" would take. When she moved in with her friend, she took up smoking and increased her alcohol intake about 10 fold (borderline alcoholic). She started doing things she had never done before like go out every night. I think she got a taste of freedom that she never experienced before. We started dating shortly after she turned 19 and were married shortly before she turned 21. She never had a chance to "experience life" because the responsibilities of being an adult took over. I don't want a woman "Like that" back... I want the woman I married back. She has shown me through all of her actions except for this one that that woman still exists. I just think she has some bad influences. My question wasn't whether or not to try to make my marriage work. We have already made that decision on our own. My question was is that a normal reaction. Not necessarily in a marriage but in any type of relationship that gets serious too quickly and one or the other gets scared. As a side note, she is the one who approached me about working things out, not the other way around. I personally gave up that ghost months ago. She aproached me once and I declined because I wasn't sure she was serious. Then, almost 2 months later, she aproached me again. Here I felt she was serious and agreed to try to work things out. I will admit that I have been very overbearing, touchy-feely in the last week and I have gotten more and more serious. I recognize that. There are other actions that she has taken that won't be discussed here that very seriously indicate her desire to work things out. Please when posting a reply, stick to the questions at hand. I know the general concensus on whether I should try to work it out or not and that is not my question. Thanks again for your comments and feedback. Even the criticism is welcomed. I have gotten all of those responses from my closest and dearest friends and they were all mixed. I made a decision based on that. The reason for posting here was basically to see if anyone else had ever experienced anything similar to this with similar responses/results.

 

Thank you,

 

Doc

[ajk]

they seem to be reactions of someone who is afraid of being hurt...which it seems was what happened when you separated.

yes, i think the hickey thing is out of control, however.

i think the drinking and smoking thing is a natural depressive reaction for some people, not necessarily just trying to live life if she thinks she's missed it by being married young. alcoholics of all ages drink because they're depressed.

my brother and his wife are divorcing now, and all of the changes they are exhibiting surprise me...stuff you would never imagine each of them to do, all of a sudden appearing selfish in ways they weren't before, etc.

 

i think a good way to be supportive but not smothering is to give someone space and let them come to you. just let her know you will be there when she wants to talk, and until then, not pressure her.

 

also, i am a big fan of dr. phil and would suggest you reading "relationship rescue."

[melrich]

Look on the surface I would have to say that your relationship is over.

 

But then you go on to hint that there are things you have not posted that suggest she is very serious about getting back together...so really how can anyone advise.

 

Lets look at the facts you have presented...no lets just look at one...she has received a hickey from someone shortly before meeting with you.....I am guessing she is not that serious about the two of you.

 

She may be wants to stay together for the financial security...who knows...the fact that she has allowed someone to suck at her neck and produce a hickey probably should send you some sort of signal. read it as you will.

[roark1216]

Do not pay attention to what she says. Only pay attention to her actions. It is an old proverb that "actions speak louder than words", and in this case I would say that this advice should be taken to heart - without question.

 

Your estranged wife may say that she wants to patch things up and to work on your relationship, but her actions clearly say otherwise - and actions always are the determining value, not the words.

 

You need to evaluate your reasons for wanting to patch up this relationship as well as the reasons why you two had a falling out to begin with. Clearly, she is not prepared to resume a committed, healthy relationship with you if she is going to bars and meeting other men.

 

At this point, you need to separate your desires from her desires and evaluate the situation from a bit of a distance. Just because you may want things to genuinely work does not mean that she feels the same.