How do you know when it's a dealbreaker

[zebragirl]

I've read some other threads and I've been thinking of my own relationship a lot. I know everyone is different and everyone's going to have a different idea of what a deal breaker is. It seems like in dating relationships people are quicker to say that a person should move on and not work things out. Which I get.

 

Here's my question/issue. I posted before about lack of intimacy and sex in my marriage, you can probably look up those posts if you want all the details. Things haven't changed and aren't changing. I've talked to him and tried to get him to address the medical side of things(it is partly medical related but fixable) I've given him suggestions on addressing the medical side, I try very hard to be patient, not nag, criticize etc. He said he wanted to think about the issue and he's never brought it up again. I was going to approach him and ask if he had done his thinking. But decided not to because I've already said so much and I don't want to push him to do something he truly doesn't want to do. I'm not going to beg. I can be the initiator and try to do more. But at this point I need him to take the step to be proactive and show that he even cares that it's important to me.

 

During this time I've begun to think back, months and months, trying to remember when I first began to feel this feeling that I just wasn't sure if we'd make it. I began to think about what it would be like if I wasn't with him. I realized it didn't even have to do with the intimacy issue. It happened last August when he threatened to leave over something I asked for, something I'd always wanted. Something I dared to push for. He didn't have to lift a finger to do anything, I only asked out of respect. But he got angrier than I've ever seen him. He isn't normally an angry person. I realized then that something was wrong. He apologized later and things got better. But I can't forget. Because the threat. And the way he treated me.

 

But looking back that was the catalyst. The time that started the doubt. It made me seriously consider what I'd do if he left.

 

And now, when he responded with "I'll think about it" it took me back. Because it's the same thing he said when I asked him about the small thing in August. And his think about it has proven that it's a no.

 

So how do I know when it's a deal breaker? I know he loves me. But I can't live like this the next 20 years. Even if he decides to finally do something, somewhere down the road, I've realized he can't give me what I want. He said he never put much importance on sex. So even without the medical issue it's not likely to really change.

 

It's so hard because I feel like I'm giving up on so much good but yet, I have to turn off a part of myself if I want to stay with him .

 

So how do I know?i know Noone can really tell me what to do. But I still would like some thoughts or something.

[missmarple]

Well, he's told you he never considered sex that important, so, it's up to you to decide if you can live like that. It doesn't matter if he is great in other aspects of the relationship (doesn't sound like he is but anyway)...as long as he won't/can't give you something that you consider important, I see no point in wasting years and years before you decide to leave...or before you find someone else who will.

[Batya33]

Do you have children together?

[Andrina]

Basically he's a friend. You care for each other, but the all important (for you) bonding of sex is not there. He belongs with a woman with low libido like him, where he won't feel pressured to perform. You belong with a man who matches you sexually. You'll be doing him a favor, although he may not know it now, if you end things. You say you can't live the next 20 years like this, so basically it is a deal breaker. He's not willing to pull all the stops out to please you in this area, so why would you be a martyr for him. It's your one precious life and there are no do-overs. Who else is watching your back? Nobody. You have to be your own champion.

[zebragirl]

We have a 4 year old. That makes it harder. I know still doable because people work through divorce with kids all the time. But it still worries me.

[Batya33]

We have a 4 year old. That makes it harder. I know still doable because people work through divorce with kids all the time. But it still worries me.

 

Given the 4 year old (my child is almost 6) I would take the next year to put 100% effort into saving this - see if he will see a counselor or a religious figure you trust in addition to addressing the medical side. There might be a compromise here. I didn't look at your other threads but if sex was important to him at one point in your relationship then perhaps you can revive things. If you accepted him as he is when you were dating/engaged then you have to explain to him why you have now changed and want more sex.

 

Does he like cuddling/physical affection?

[zebragirl]

Given the 4 year old (my child is almost 6) I would take the next year to put 100% effort into saving this - see if he will see a counselor or a religious figure you trust in addition to addressing the medical side. There might be a compromise here. I didn't look at your other threads but if sex was important to him at one point in your relationship then perhaps you can revive things. If you accepted him as he is when you were dating/engaged then you have to explain to him why you have now changed and want more sex.

 

Does he like cuddling/physical affection?

He dies like cuddling and kissing. He likes sense but doesn't think about it much if at all and doesn't put it as a priority. I don't know what it would entail on my side if I were to give it a year. Continue to push him to get the medical side resolved? I guess I don't have that much faith in pushing him because I've seen what it does and looking back I don't feel it's going to truly change things since I now realize he's likely been this way our whole relationship. He obviously had more desire when we dated but there's a lot that goes into why I accept it then and don't feel I can now. I was 19 when we met and had been taught all my life that sex was taboo outside of marriage so although I know I had a high sex drive I felt guilty acting on it and that held me back a lot. He was focused on building a house and I figured that's why his mind was preoccupied. After we got married it was rough because neither of us new how to really relate to one another freely sexually. Now that I am in my 30s I feel that so much for me has changed and I finally feel like I've discarded all that theological baggage and let myself be OK with who I am. But it doesn't change who he is and that's someone that admits that sex has never been that important to him.

[zebragirl]

Does not dies. Stupid auto correct

[Batya33]

I think since you have a child with him you have to factor in strongly that no matter why you accepted him as he is back then you did and that is one reason why he is resistant now - from his perspective it's not fair for you to change your expectations like this so you do need to approach this with him with full acceptance of your responsibility in this.

 

If you did not have a 4 year old I wouldn't make the suggestion I did. You need to be able to tell yourself and your child someday that you put 100% into saving this marriage especially since you were the one who changed your mind about being ok with who he is and who he is not.

[zebragirl]

That makes sense batya. I want to clarify I didn't know that he was that way back when we got together so to me it's not the same as accepting him how he was. I've only realized that he was always that way looking back and talking to him over the last year or so. So although my mindset has changed its not like I really knew he was like that. I was pretty naive and blind to it.

[Batya33]

That makes sense batya. I want to clarify I didn't know that he was that way back when we got together so to me it's not the same as accepting him how he was. I've only realized that he was always that way looking back and talking to him over the last year or so. So although my mindset has changed its not like I really knew he was like that. I was pretty naive and blind to it.

 

I understand -that is different from what you wrote above. I hope you choose to work hard on your marriage. What's "doable" to a 4 year old is very variable depending on the child. Such formative years.

[zebragirl]

That's why I wanted to clarify because I think you may have thought I accepted this when we were dating and I just used your words, that the only reason I had accepted him like that was because it was unknowingly. Because I was holding back my sexuality because I felt I was doing something "wrong", I only thought he was holding back for the same reason. I had no idea we might actually be sexually incompatible. One of the many things I am learning now, that there is a huge pit fall of the "wait for marriage" idea. Because even if you end up having sex before marriage, if you believe it's "wrong" it really messes with your mind and you fail to grow in confidence and connect sexually with the person you are with as well as issues are hidden till long down the road when it's too late. At least that's what I experienced.

[catfeeder]

I'd consider separating. That provides a workable time between status quo and divorce. Many couples who separate do so to learn what life would be like without the other, and some opt to pursue counseling and other means to correct the problems that drive them apart.

 

So I'd seek advice from an attorney, and I'd offer him one last opportunity before separating to either work on the marriage or exit.

 

There is no reason to remain in your current limbo. I don't believe that one partner has the right to force a sexless existence on the other, and I don't believe in affairs. Your husband is not motivated to work on the issue while inside the household, so I'd offer to help him find another place to live while contemplating whether the marriage is something he wishes to attempt to save.

 

Head high, and hang in there.