GF left me - GIGS/rebound

[PieceofShaun]

UPDATE: Two weeks ago I met with her very briefly to transfer the cat. It was more of a hi-bye deal, but she gave me a box of stuff she found that was mine. she also gave back our journal which i gave her to keep after the BU. i'm assuming it made her feel guilty to have it around, but i'm not getting into it.

 

Today, she sent me a happy birthday text with a picture of the cat. I said thank you. I'm almost to the point that i can talk to her almost normally, but im not there yet because the text did send me back emotionally some. after some venting though, i am good. i've come to accept we cannot be together right now and i am focusing on me. i figured she would use today to talk to me about giving the cat back, but i havent heard from her again which is fine because i was going to tell her to wait a week anyway. In these ways, there isnt too much of an update to throw out there, but mentally I have made strides.

 

I am no longer thinking about her constantly. I still have thoughts of her every day, but not like before. Now I'm feeling good mostly and i feel better about her. those feelings of rejection dont linger so much even though I have my moments, and i am more understanding of what she is going through even though it is with someone else. I love her and miss her, but i can say so without it hurting. and that feels good.

 

in some way i sort of see myself at the point she may have been at during the break up. she had developed this understanding of what she was going through, and i hadnt left the gate yet. im not sure if thats really the case, but i feel better about the situation for what it's worth, even if ive taken an approach most people choose not to. i didnt expect to feel this way in just 2.5 months, but its amazing. i see people on here that are still struggling after 6 months and i mean i know my relationship was just as good as anyone elses... the best advice i can give is embrace the pain because it is good for you.

 

for anyone else reading this that can relate , listen to the song Drops of Jupiter by Train. it paints the picture pretty well of how the dumpee feels, but not how i feel. the song has tones of resentment that i dont have because i refuse to hold something natural against my ex. it is not a reflection of her character, but of the point she has reached in her life and that is not something you resent someone for. i stand by that.

[PieceofShaun]

UPDATE: I am at the point that I can talk to her normally now without hindering my own state. I have a healthy, though unusual grasp on the situation as it is and need not worry about contact between us as setting myself back in a detrimental way.

 

On Sunday,after about 3 weeks of letting her have the cat, I sent her a text asking when she would be available to transfer the cat. My words weren't purposefully short and can best be characterized as what was once normal..straightforward, but familiar. She didn't respond til almost 24 hours later on Monday. The ensuing conversation on her end was weird as she exhibited an attitude that lifted an eyebrow a bit. She was responding differently from the past, but not in the same way I was. Where as she seemed she had more control over herself in the past. This time it seemed she was emotionally off. This can be best highlighted by a completely random text in the middle of the conversation saying that she was apartment searching and 'may not be 5 minutes away much longer' though she did not provide any substance as to why this was at all relevant. Both of her jobs are local so it's not like she is going anywhere. The best I can figure from this is that she is not over me and is trying to get some sort of reaction out of me whether it is conscious or not.

 

Fast forward to meeting the next day. I get a few texts from her beforehand to confirm the meeting.. we had talked less than 24 hours later, so i found these inquiries a bit odd and out of place, but nevertheless I won't bother diagnosing them one way or the other. I was ready for the meeting and didn't even have to mentally prepare. I missed the cat, and I missed my ex as well and knew I would be happy to see both of them, but at the same time I knew I had to exhibit a good amount of control and that was no problem at all. The meeting itself... this was a surprise of sorts.

 

The moment she was out of her car with the cat I had her giggling without even talking to her. The first thing I did was go for the cat and talk to it in a way only cat owners would understand lol. I could tell instantly this meeting was different and it was. My ex's face was completely lit up. She was giving me a look with her eyes that I hadn't seen in months and one I had almost forgotten in a way. I don't even think she realized it. Her posture, look and mannerisms were completely different from previous meetings. For the first time since breaking up I can say she was genuinely warm instead of cool (hot/cold spectrum). She initiated conversation and seemed bent on keeping it going asking me about as much as she could... how am I, family, my dad, work, school, etc. It got the point she was trying to recall (out loud) if she had any mail for me regarding my car...believe me this was not something she would ever have to think about if she did have stuff. I genuinely believe she wanted to talk to me and missed me and talking to me, something understandable and at this point somewhat expected. I kept my responses short, but still reciprocated in asking about her family and she began to tell me about her new nephew. She then proceeds to get her phone from her car and show me pictures of him. Her back is to my front as she holds the phone up and she is standing so close that her hair (scalp) was actually touching mine. It was a tease, I'm not going to lie, but all of this behavior was completely different from past interactions and now I will try to explain why.

 

As I have said before in elation to this thread's relevance to 'GIGS' that I fully expect my ex to come back and just to be clear I have taken this interim period of sorts to date myself and just enjoy my life. I am content with where I am and my lifestyle. I am still in love with my ex to a degree, but I'm okay with it. In my research of GIGS (I cannot express how much I hate using this loaded term that has so many preconceived notions) I have found a somewhat helpful understanding of the full circle process ( assuming the grass isnt greener in the end) that describes the process in terms of phases. I believe my ex has reached the point when the fog is just starting to lift. She is just starting to realize what life is like without me as she returns to her base level of happiness. Some call this the Bargaining phase (equivalent to the B in DABDA). The dumper tries to mold together the good parts of the old life they thought they were unhappy with and the new life they still think they will be happy with. They start to miss the dumpee and attempt to get the best of both worlds, but only halfheartedly at first. Typically, the ex begins reaching out somewhat perhaps for friendship or something more, however they are still deep in their own process of figuring out what makes them happy and this means the dumpee needs to remain out of the picture if they are hoping for successful reconciliation. Your ex like mine, needs to come full circle on her own. My ex has a long way to go, but at almost 3 months I would say she is on pace for my own predictions (dangerous thoughts, I know). This is the first turn in the circle and also indicates that she is not making a beeline away from me, but indeed is subtly gravitating back somewhat. My ex reached out to me "to see how the cat was doing" just two days after we met (Thursday).. only further confirming my thoughts.

 

All in all my ex has begun to exhibit distinct behavior of missing me and whether or not she wants to, she did not do a good job hiding these feelings very well. She has shown signs she is not over me and that she may indeed be gravitating back. These feelings, if actually there as I believe they most certainly are, will continue to build over the next couple months as she continues to live with me out of the picture. I will continue to remain distant, but not in a way that suggests game playing of sorts. Only time will tell if these feelings only drive her back towards me further or if she will attempt to fight them more. If you are reading this and in a similar position to me, I urge you to proceed with caution. They do not want you back yet. Let them continue to figure things out for themselves.. and in time they will either return or continue trying to figure out what makes them happy (themselves).

[palmer14]

I did not really play my situation as well as you did, but I think I am okay with it. I heard she was asking my friends about me, and telling people that she missed me, so I figured this was her starting to have some second thoughts. I ended up messaging her last night, asking if she got a letter I sent to her a couple weeks back. She hadn't, but she went and got it after I told her about it, and pretty much said that she is glad we are both moving on, and things like that. I asked her if she ever wanted anything ever again, and she said probably not. I pretty much then told her that if she ever changes her mind, to let me know. Maybe this wasn't the best thing to do, but I feel better knowing for sure how she feels. Glad things are starting to look up for you

[PieceofShaun]

yeah it is good to know the page she is on. it's torture for me sometimes, because I know she needs to finish the book so to speak and that the pages don't matter, but for you it helps with moving on, etc. yeah telling her to let you know if she wanted something is sort of the opposite of what you want to do for reconciliation if we go by the rules, but if you want to move on then it doesnt matter. sometimes some closure can really help in the end.

 

you just gotta continue doing your own thing and let fate take care of the rest for what it is

[palmer14]

Yeah, definitely wasn't very wise. I never really went through that bargaining/desperation phase with her and I think that came out last night. I do and did want reconciliation, but after talking to her it made it pretty clear that she was not interested so saying some of that stuff will probably help me move on some.

[BrokenGator]

I think it's always safe to assume they aren't interested in coming back unless they go out of their way to tell you. In other words, no point in asking them if they changed their mind or if they ever will.

[PieceofShaun]

Exactly. If they want you back, they will more than likely go out of their way to show it somehow over time. In the beginning most people that are dumped can't help but say 'if you change your mind the door is open', but as you go along you need to realize that they need to come back on their own. otherwise it most likely wont work out because he or she didnt come back for the right reasons

[Tigress16]

Hey ya'll. For someone who seemed to go through this situation, I was wondering if you would give me your intake on my situation?