no respect from him

[maaraishuk]

he's a good guy.

but every two weeks it's the same argument. i feel he doesn't respect me. i feel he doesn't value me.

 

im sick and tired of going over the same thing.

 

and when we argue, he wont step up to say sorry and resolve it.

 

we just melt away into silence for a few days, until conversation somehow re-starts and then back to normal again. some makeup sex soon follows.

 

im tired of this circle.

 

his parents were over last night. i was at work. i got back and he just completely blanked me. ignored me. no hello/how are you. cold shoulder for the hour his parents stuck around. i soon noticed that the dinner i slaved away making for him was untouched. instead, his mother had bought him round some dinner which he ate. really annoyed me.

 

i had no idea why he was ignoring me but i had my dinner. i made tea/coffee for all of us and was normal with his parents.

 

what did i do wrong i asked after they left.

his response, 'i dont know what ur talking about. i wasn't ignoring you. i wasn't blanking you'

 

it just escalated. and i told him that it's the same arguments over and over again. i have never asked u for anything. i try to be a good wife and still, in front of others u make me feel so small. u ignore me. even others notice u are giving me the cold shoulder.

 

i stormed off. and he hasnt bothered to resolve it, say sorry or make amends.

 

im working all weekend so he has the children. and i guess we will just be sailing ships.

 

im so so tired of this. how he just doesnt bother. doesn't seem to care.

 

why are men so mean!?

[relevart]

I'm not understanding about the dinner you "slaved" over and the dinner his mother brought. Did he know theyw ere coming? Did he know she was bringing dinner? Did he know you had "slaved" away over dinner beforehand?

 

About him stepping up to apologize and "resolve it." I can't speak for him, but even if he feels he's at fault for something, sometimes an apology at the time will seem hollow and forced. It might even delve into the tired "I'm sorry if I hurt you..." blah, blah, blah. An pology that includes the word "if" is no apology. So I feel like it's better to watch my words, how I say things and what I say rather than say something I'll regret later.

 

And he might feel like the problem is with you. Maybe he feels like there's soemthing you're not doing to meet what he expects. There are, afterall, two sides to every story.

 

Full disclosure. I'm a man, so I must be mean.

[pippy longstocking]

I just had a quick read through your last thread and read there have been problems a while and you gave a decription of what he said you and you cause the arguments ..so it seems like you are indeed going full circle here . There are a lot of problems going on here .

[maaraishuk]

they rang to ask him if he wanted dinner. he said yes. he already told me what he wanted to eat that night so i spent two hours making it in the morning.

 

but it's not really about the food.

 

he ignored me the whole evening in front of his parents, for no good reason. i feel that was really rude

[maaraishuk]

I just had a quick read through your last thread and read there have been problems a while and you gave a decription of what he said you and you cause the arguments ..so it seems like you are indeed going full circle here . There are a lot of problems going on here .

 

how do we resolve this?

[relevart]

I always hate this reply when others make it whether to me or to others... but have you considered counseling? Us here can type out a thousand different words and really it won't do any good because we're only hearing one of the story. You may be right in every single regard, but I just feel like there's half of the story we're not hearing. I'm sorry you're going through this whether it's 0% your fault, 0% his fault or somewhere in between. I'm going through a "pre-seperation" myself and I know if my wife read what I've written here, she would think I'm holding back on some of the story and I know if I heard what she was telling her mom and friends, I'd wonder who the heck she was talking about because it probably wouldn't sound like us.

[pippy longstocking]

I always hate this reply when others make it whether to me or to others... but have you considered counseling? Us here can type out a thousand different words and really it won't do any good because we're only hearing one of the story. You may be right in every single regard, but I just feel like there's half of the story we're not hearing. I'm sorry you're going through this whether it's 0% your fault, 0% his fault or somewhere in between. I'm going through a "pre-seperation" myself and I know if my wife read what I've written here, she would think I'm holding back on some of the story and I know if I heard what she was telling her mom and friends, I'd wonder who the heck she was talking about because it probably wouldn't sound like us.

 

you know I agree ...it always seems like a cop out to pull out the old " go to counseling" but like I said , after reading your last thread quickly , there is a huge amount going on ..heis blaming you , you are losing respect for each other , you have two very young children , he seems to prefer his parents ...I don't honestly know where to start .No wonder you are in such a muddle darling . A therapist can at least sit you both down and go through it step by step .

 

To ignore you like that is horrible , what an atmosphere to live in ..but you confront him and he says its you ..nothing is resolved and back to square one . It does seem like you are the one who wants to talk and wants to sort this out and try and understand what is going on , but if he wont you are just treading water continually .

 

do you think he would go to couples therapy ? if not do you think you could go to let someone help you wade through all this . Dont worry , everything can be sorted one way or another ..it is just knowing how and where to start darling .

[Mari]

 

why are men so mean!?

 

When I was a kid I had to play soccer with my PE class. I started playing and no one would ever pass me the ball. I would run back and forth with the rest of my team and not once would they even pass it to me. So then instead of running I just stood there. What was the point anyway, it's not like they would ever pass it to me. They were like the meanest kids ever, we were supposed to be a team and yet they would just ignore me. Gym teacher saw me standing there and called a timeout. He pulled me out and asked me why I was standing there and not playing as it was a hazard for the teams. And I explained to him that they were just mean, they would never pass it to me. Finally, now that he knew, he would put them in line and tell them to stop playing so unfairly and pass it to me

 

Instead of yelling at them he told me this. "Look, no one is going to pass you the ball. This is a team game, you have to get out there and get that ball from the other team, and if your team has it, you have to yell and say that you're open and be in a good position to get the ball. Then maybe, depending on the person that has the ball, maybe they will pass it to you. But unless you try to get the ball, no one will just stop the game and give it to you. I'm not going to yell at them and tell them to pass it to you, you have to get that ball just like everyone else." I feel like you're waiting for someone to pass you the ball and you're hurt the way I was when I was standing there on that field. If they're talking and ignoring you, you need to get into that conversation and converse, you need to bring up new topics that you can converse well in and get in there. Don't just stand there waiting for them to include you. You will feel neglected and ignored and they will feel stressed out cause they have to pass the ball to you whether it makes sense or not. I did get in the game after his talk, it changed my perspective and I got the ball most often. I was the one that got to pass it to others the most because I always took it from the other team.

 

When you come home next time, you get up in his face and say hello or say it with a loud voice and you do the same to his parents with a smile. If they're talking about something, start making comments, give your thoughts on the topic. If he gets food from his mom, don't think he did it cause your food sucks, think that he did it because it was a good opportunity and he likes her food too. Now you don't have to cook the next day so that's awesome. Don't just let a mistake happen and continue to let it happen, get in the game and resolve it as soon as you can. Not let it continue and hope for an apology when he has no clue what even went wrong. Good luck.

[gone]

He is stonewalling you. Google it. It's one of the things that causes divorce, according to "The 7 principles for making marriage work" (by John Gottman). I would ask him to go to couples' therapy with you in order to identify what is really bothering him (whether or not it is something you did or said) and to see if your relationship can be saved. Otherwise it's going to continue to go downhill until you leave and then he belatedly starts to care.