Domestically violent Ex Husband black mailing me. I need advice.

[CharlieCheese]

I left my husband 2 years ago because he was very domestically violent and cheated on me on several occasion in the short time we were together and married. He left the marital home (which was rented) to move back in with his mother who lived about 6 hours away, when he left he rang the landlords to which resulted in me and my 1 year old at the time homeless. My ex didn't see his son for 10months i had a solicitor involved trying to sort out a reasonable contact arrangement which would include a residency order due to the fact of the threats of "you'll never see your son again, think I'll bring him back? You try to come and get him when I have him I will f*****g kill you and bury you myself where nobody can find your pathetic body" etc etc. he moved closer to us a week before all the paper work was to be finalised and so was therefore voided. For the following year I received threats from him via text and harassing phone calls I blocked his number but he just friends phones to carry it on, I don't even want to go into detail of some of the things he said however his words never affected me like his actions did when I was with him. Anyway I had to change my number but some how he still got hold of it and carried it on, I would get death threats from people I didn't even know, he didn't know where we lived and still doesn't, I arranged for contact to be held in a contact centre (begrudgingly) he eventually agreed to pay maintenance which started at £100 a month however we had a fair amount of debt in both of our names and I refuse to be held responsible for all of them considering 3 of them were loans that were taken out in my name withe not being allowed t be aware of them (I was never allowed out of the house never mind my own bank card) so he agreed to pay £300 a month and did for a whole 2 months. Within six months it had gone from being threatened ever day to my ex every other day asking how his son was, I was fine with that. Now I must stress I do not see this man I refuse to be in his company and I made the contact centre aware of that, but of course the contact centre see a performance, a different man, for the last couple of weeks they have been allowing my ex to handover our son directly to me, I was fed up of it so I quite rightly reminded the contacts centre of their paperwork and their own policies and I said I would appreciate it if they could stick to it and not allow him near me and if a team member could bring my son down instead, they agreed and apologised so on and so forth. I received a text 3days ago from him asking " if your problem" I responded with th contact centre need to follow their own rules, after a very tedious half an hour he starts saying well 2 hours every 2 weeks isn't enough I want to see my son more, your stopping me see my son, your the bad one and if you don't let me see him more I will stop paying maintenance, I don't need my exes money to support my son I and my partner work full time, the maintenance goes into my sons saving account every month for when he's older, I can do that myself but the fact he's back to black mailing me again, I appreciate he wants to see his son more and I've made it clear contact will not be changing until there is a residency order in place, should I let him not pay maintenance and still see his son? Should I stop contact? How do I stop him from thinkin he still had full control? How do I keep my son safe but still allow his father to be a part of his life? I'm only 20 years old and I don't really know much about how the law on family issues work, I don't want to be the bad person but I need to protect myself and my son.

Much appreciated,

Charlie (a very worried mum)

[ParisPaulette]

You need to go get a lawyer yesterday. And you contact the courts to work out supervised custody. This is where you need to stop panicking and start thinking rationally. He's threatening you, because he's counting on you not getting the courts involved and you need to do that ASAP.

 

And I understand wanting to not deny your kid his father, but if he's violent and abusive keep in mind that's who you're putting a young child with. The courts are there to help families in need or call a domestic abuse hotline if you don't know what resources to go to. You are not the first person this has happened to, and finding the right organization of legally trained people who deal with domestic abuse and custody issues in your area is crucial.

 

I take it you're not in the U.S. so I don't know what agencies you could contact, but hopefully someone on here will. Or you do a search for domestic abuse shelters in your area.

 

I hope you get this sorted out and please realize you need to pull together resources from wherever you can in this time period to protect both you and your son. You sound like a good, caring mother and you should not be dealing with him on your own without legal help there to guide you and act as a buffer between you.

[avman]

You might need to talk to your solicitor again about how the law works with a situation like this. Maybe with such threats there is a provision to withhold contact until a court rules on it. But I'm not sure how this works in the U.K. (I'm assuming thats where you are at). In any case I would not cave to a threat of let me see my son more or I'll quit paying. If that's the current court ruling then he can argue his case to the court if he wants it changed.

[Hollyj]

are you documenting all of these threats? Because I can't imagine any court allowing contact with this kind of behavior.

[ForestofDreams]

I know you feel like your son should get to see his father, but this man is clearly really messed up. I think you should look up articles about violent fathers (I know it can be moms too) who shook/beat/hurt their babies/or kids either because they had a violent temperment or because they were trying to get revenge or whatever the reason. I think your priority should be your sons safety. If this man's threatening to murder you and take away your son...and has been violent in the past, he seriously needs a reality check. Don't give in to what he wants ...he sounds like a disturbed person who needs to work on ALOT of his issues before being around a baby. If you give in he will think it's okay and further traumatize you and possibly your son as well.

[CharlieCheese]

I have an appointment to see my solicitor in the next few days, as much as I hate to say it he has never once mistreated my 3 year old and my boy really loves his dad I would feel awful to deny my son of that ideally I want a residency order before he has any contact that isn't supervised, I've learnt to ignore his threats now, I have a lady who I see about the domestic violence issues already the only thing she has advised is that I get a restraining order against him but unfortunately with all bills and outgoings I can't afford one, the threat of money is not my main concern, it's if he can chop and change his mind with me and get angry very quickly over little things what happens one day if he get angry at my son? I don't trust my ex with my son as it is just because of how he is, really stuck, hopefully solicitor will be able to help

Charlie x

[Tanzi]

my boy really loves his dad I would feel awful to deny my son of that ideally ......

 

my main concern, it's if he can chop and change his mind with me and get angry very quickly over little things what happens one day if he get angry at my son? I don't trust my ex with my son as it is just because of how he is

Don't you see how these two sentences really don't go together?

 

I know you have an "ideal" in your head but this is far from an ideal situation and you really need to think of your sons safety above anything else. Your ex is not a good role model for your son .... in fact he is a very bad role model for your son. Do you really want him to grow up being influenced by his father or, worse still, becoming like his father because he has grown up thinking it is okay to treat women like that ... and from what you have said about your ex, I wouldn't put it past him to try turning your son against you when he is older.

 

As hollyj said, you need to document his threats against you and keep any threatning texts etc. He sounds like a dangerous man and if I were you I would be scared to let him near my son. I really think you should do everything you can to keep this man away from you and your son at all costs. Right now your son is young enough to grow up unscathed by this man's involvement in your lives so that should be the least of your concerns.

 

You sound like a wonderful and caring mother .... you will be able to bring your son up much better alone than with the influences of this evil man forever in your lives.

[avman]

Yeah I agree with Blue. Children are affected by domestic violence even if the violent act isn't directed at them specifically. They still suffer tremendous psychological impact. Your sons father is a poor role model and your son is still at risk if he's a violent man. I think supervised visitation is absolutely the way to go for the foreseeable future until your ex takes concrete actions to address his violence issues (and even then the prognosis is typically quite poor).

 

I don't know if there are ways to get the fees waived in the UK for a restraining order. But it might be worth asking your solicitor about that. Maybe there is a hardship petition that can be filed or something to make it possible.

 

I am very sorry to hear you have been through such a difficult time. I'm glad you have a supportive counselor and legal help to get you through this. Use those folks as much as you need and don't be afraid to ask for additional help. You don't have to go through this alone.

[Willywagtail]

Regardless of the ideal that you have in your head about your ex and your son, your ex's behavior and the threats prove otherwise. The way I see it, your ex has to prove that he's worthy of having contact with your son. If you see a solicitor and take it to court, his threats will be taken very seriously.

 

I'm from Australia, and last year, in a suburb near where I live, a man bashed his son and stabbed him to death at the cricket ground where he was allowed access to see him. He had been restricted in access, but had continually threatened the mother over many years. She was a smart woman, and put strategies into place to protect herself and her son, but she didn't really believe her ex would harm her son. She thought the threats were directed against her. Then what he did was he hurt her in the worst way possible, by murdering her son.

 

Don't be complacent about your ex's threats. I'm absolutely not saying this will happen to you, what I'm saying is that your ex may hurt your son to get back at you. You've already put up with so much from him, don't let your ex push you around when the safety of your son may be involved, no matter how much 'right' he believes he has, or how much he says he loves him.

 

Make a big deal of it if you have to, with your solicitor and your counselor. Make sure you have strong support.

[ForestofDreams]

So you think he's nice around your son but not you? Either way, didn't he say those threats? I know some people are all talk and just say stuff out of anger, but you did say he was violent in the past. Maybe your son could be supervised while around his dad? My mom and dad got a divorce and my mom didn't trust my dad what-so-ever. She didn't let us see him unless she was around to make sure he didn't do anything bad. As his daughter, I thought my dad was an angel! He was so nice to my brother and I. I think his main anger was towards my mom, but not us. Eventually she started to let us see him without her being there, when we were a bit older. She entrusted whoever he was dating at the time as the one who would watch us. Luckily he was dating a nice woman who always made us brownies and homemade jam. She was really nice, and was always phoning my mom with updates about our visit. Maybe in the future you can have some sort of supervision for your son and his dad. I think at 3 years old, your son is a bit young to be left alone with him (let alone anybody), this includes people you don't trust. We have that mother's instinct for a reason. Maybe you could do something like, let him meet with his son in a public place (with you there) and spend the day out doing something nice, but in a public area? That way your ex can see his son, and you can also make sure that he's not doing anything stupid (like acting out or anything). I know some dad's just really want to see their kids and ex relationships can get in the way, but at the end of the day he probably just wants to see his kid. I'd be very careful (like my mom did) and make some ground rules (for example: my mom never let us sleep over there, we had to be home at a certain time, he wasn't allowed to drink, and he would have to phone my mom once in the afternoon and once in the evening - and let us talk on the phone with her about the visit so far, and my dad was fine with it).

 

I was lucky, my dad was great to us. He had his problems. There was only one time when he decided to drink, and his girlfriend at the time was quick to phone my mom. He never did it again, but yeah, having supervision can't hurt!

[jackielove42]

No offense. I fear for you but this is truly a NO BRAINER honey. Contact the courts. In the U.S.A the courts will handle him alone with the death threats. How it works where you are i have no idea. Be safe.