Getting an ex back after 2 years - is it possible or should I move on?

[arizonatea]

I know the odds are stacked against me, and I'm trying to decide what to do. After more than 2 years apart and dating other women, I've come to the realization that I will likely never find someone else that I am as compatible and happy with as I was with my ex. I still love her and I want to reconcile, but I have no idea how to go about it or if it's even realistic.

 

My ex-gf and I (30 and 32 at the time of breakup, respectively) were together for 6.5 years. It was a very good relationship with both of us having a very deep and strong love for each other. In all those years, we probably only fought 3-4 times and each time it wasn't so much a fight as it was us being aggravated and annoyed and lasted maybe 3 hours. By and large, all of our friends and family regarded us as a perfect couple - we were generally happy and we always seemed to be on the same wavelength. We constantly talked about wedding plans and we made a lot of plans for our future together.

 

In the final 6 months of our relationship, because of stress at my work and some other unfortunate coincidences, my ex began to secretly think that I am not happy with the relationship and that I am going to leave her. She started focusing on little tiny things as confirmation that this is going to happen (such as me deciding to go with health insurance through my employer instead of going onto her insurance as a "domestic partner"). She didn't tell me about these feelings and suspicions until after we broke up. In the final two weeks, she became extremely depressed, barely ate and lost about 15 pounds. Finally, suddenly and without any other warning she told me that she wanted to break up. I was shocked, confused and extremely hurt. It literally came out of nowhere since she didn't let on to her feelings whatsoever.

 

I temporarily moved out of our apartment and to my parents' house, and over the next few weeks, we saw each other almost every day and I tried to piece together what had actually happened. It was during this time that she started divulging her feelings. Basically, to prevent herself from getting hurt further, she decided to instead break up on her own terms. I tried explaining to her that her fears were completely unfounded and I wanted to spend my life with her, but the damage was done and she was in an extremely fragile and confused state. I sensed that she wanted to be back together, but she was too afraid - the final two weeks where she barely ate were apparently the worst period in her life and she was terrified of having to go through this hurt again. She kept telling me "If we get back together, I have to know it's for good." I tried to reassure her many times, and she got close to letting me in many times, but each time she held herself back at the last moment and we were back to square one.

 

At the same time, she started seeing a coworker almost immediately. Apparently this guy was taking advantage of the situation and was showering her with compliments and basically giving her exactly what she needed at this time where she was vulnerable. I really didn't care about this because I figured that she's just feeling very hurt and she's leaning on this guy for support. This guy is also well below her level in all departments - looks, personality, intelligence, etc. I thought nothing of it, and even she herself made it clear to me that she was using him for emotional support.

 

Throughout the next few months, this pattern continues - she keeps showing signs that she loves me and wants to reconcile, but it just keeps getting thwarted for one reason or another. Admittedly, I made a lot of mistakes during this time in regards to how I handled certain situations. She keeps seeing this guy casually during all this time and he is fully aware that we're trying to reconcile.

 

Finally, after ~5 months, she tells me she is now officially dating this guy. About a week after this, we see each other for what turned out to be the last time and she basically confides to me that she misses me terribly and that she's extremely depressed. I can tell by the painful way she looks at me that she's still completely in love with me but she doesn't know what to do about it. I remember coming out of that meeting with an extremely positive outlook because if she was with this other guy, then he obviously wasn't making her happy and she was clearly still in love with me.

 

For the next ~9 months, I decide to change things up and let her come to me. As expected, she does - she keeps messaging me every few days with really silly questions, reports of her day, etc. Basically just doing anything to keep in constant contact with me. I play along and we are always joking and light. I start dating a girl during this period and this very clearly upsets her greatly - she started crying, etc but we quickly go back to the same routine. But then, after ~9 months of this, it suddenly comes to a complete stop immediately after her birthday. She doesn't text anymore. So I decide that this may be what we need - some No Contact which we never had. I also realize that it's very meaningful that she stopped texting just as her birthday happened - it seemed to me like she was trying to get over me and made a resolution to herself to try to not message me anymore.

 

We didn't talk after that for almost 8 months, until she finally texted me 4 months ago to tell me happy birthday. I said thanks, and we again didn't talk until a few weeks ago, when I told HER happy birthday. We sent a few texts back and forth and we were both joking and laughing.

 

So, this brings me to today. She is still with that guy, and I don't know how serious or not serious it is. All I know is that we have a lot of history together, it seems like we broke up for the wrong reasons, and we've remained very friendly throughout the entire breakup. I am sure that she still had very strong feelings for me for months after we broke up, and I think much longer than that based on how she was constantly texting me even while she's dating him.

 

Realistically, what are my chances here? Should I reach out to her and see if reconciliation is even a remote possibility? How would I even go about that at this stage in time? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Mischa234]

You seem to think you did nothing wrong, which I'm not exactly contesting here but --- you let some other guy come and take her from right underneath your grasp. I'm a little shocked at how easy that was. That might have been along the lines of what was not right in the relationship when she was with you... Do you think you might have been a bit too complacent for her liking? Some women like to know their men will stick by them, fight for them if necessary, work on the relationship and put in effort to make sure she was happy... Seems you let her go quite easily, perhaps weren't as on top of the relationship as you should have been while she was slowly drifting away.

 

At the start of your post, I would have said anything was possible.

 

But she now has been with this other guy for 2 years. How did you let that happen before deciding to act?

 

I'm not going to say it's impossible, but you don't have a lot to work with. She's gone...

[pippy longstocking]

If you had said she was still single , I would have said you probably stand more chance than anyone else on here when it has only been weeks ..days even ..because two years apart is certainly time enough to have gone on your own journeys ....however .... she isn't single ..and there is the ending ....

[thebigman]

I have just got back with my ex after 4 years apart so 2 years is definitely possible. However, and heres the kicker, she was single and came to me (she was the dumper).

As long as shes still with another guy you need to put this out of your head until the situation changes., which it might not.

[pippy longstocking]

hey big man , I am made up for you fella

[thebigman]

Thanks shooting, im pretty made up myself 😄

Im yet to post my story but i will in time, too busy enjoying my renewed relationship at the moment haha

[pippy longstocking]

Thanks shooting, im pretty made up myself

Im yet to post my story but i will in time, too busy enjoying my renewed relationship at the moment haha

 

we can wait ...I dont blame you ...you go enjoy every second .

[arizonatea]

You seem to think you did nothing wrong, which I'm not exactly contesting here but --- you let some other guy come and take her from right underneath your grasp. I'm a little shocked at how easy that was. That might have been along the lines of what was not right in the relationship when she was with you... Do you think you might have been a bit too complacent for her liking? Some women like to know their men will stick by them, fight for them if necessary, work on the relationship and put in effort to make sure she was happy... Seems you let her go quite easily, perhaps weren't as on top of the relationship as you should have been while she was slowly drifting away.

 

Oh, of course I cared. And I fought hard (maybe even too hard) during those first 6 months. However, the fact is that even though she broke up with me, she saw HERSELF as the victim. She thought that I hurt her terribly, and so there wasn't much I could say to get her away from this guy - she made it clear to me that she is using him for emotional support and that she needed it. I didn't like it, but I accepted it as a necessary evil while we try to work things out. During that time, she made it very clear to that guy that she is trying to work things out with me.

[arizonatea]

If you had said she was still single , I would have said you probably stand more chance than anyone else on here when it has only been weeks ..days even ..because two years apart is certainly time enough to have gone on your own journeys ....however .... she isn't single ..and there is the ending ....

 

I know she isn't single, but at the same time I can't really be sure that she is happy with him. Truth be told, I'm not single right now, either. I've been in a relationship for the past year but I've realized very clearly that I'm still in love with my ex and if I had the chance, I would leave my current relationship in an instant to reconcile with her.

 

I have several reason for saying that I have doubts on how happy she is with him. First, as I mentioned in the original post, even after they "officially" started dating, she was extremely depressed and admitted to me that she missed me terribly. This is after 6 months broken up and 6 months being with this guy. Generally speaking, when you start a new relationship with someone you really like, you're a little euphoric and kind of in that "honeymoon phase". She was the opposite of that - she was miserable and even though she was spending every day with this guy, she was clearly still in love with me and trying to continue talking to me every chance she got. If this is how she felt during their first 6 months together, then I can't imagine that it got much better after that.

 

Also, in these entire 2+ years, she has never posted a single picture of herself with this guy on her Facebook profile. She has never mentioned him. She didn't even change her status to "in a relationship". Not just that, but she still has all of her pictures up with her and me together. If you looked at her profile, you would think the two of us are still together and that this other guy doesn't even exist.

 

So, like I said - I know she is in another relationship, but in reality I don't know what her status in that relationship is. I know that she knows I'm in a relationship, and her personality is the type where she might think she's lost me. Basically, what I'm saying is it's possible she's in this relationship without really being happy, and I'm not sure if she would re-evaluate things if I presented a situation to her where we could reconcile.

[arizonatea]

I have just got back with my ex after 4 years apart so 2 years is definitely possible. However, and heres the kicker, she was single and came to me (she was the dumper).

As long as shes still with another guy you need to put this out of your head until the situation changes., which it might not.

 

Isn't it possible that she is not all that happy with her current relationship and that she would try to reconcile if given the chance? She has a very stubborn personality and she may be staying in that relationship solely because she doesn't want to lose face or get hurt again by coming to me and getting rejected. I'm not saying this is the situation, but I'm just throwing out possibilities where her being in a relationship doesn't really mean much in the grand scheme of things.

[anna070]

Take a chance and tell her how you feel!!!!

 

Sometimes that`s what a girl needs. Show you you care and that you don;t care if she is with someone else. Trust me if she cares, she will be with you!

 

You will only regret by not trying

[arizonatea]

Anna, thanks for the words of encouragement. I tend to agree with that if I don't reach out to her, I may never know what would have happened. But I'm really at a loss for how to initiate such a conversation. We're obviously still very friendly to each other, but we've barely talked in the past year other than during our birthdays. I'm thinking of maybe sending her a text that is a little bit light, not too sentimental or "desperate", and not too overwhelming. Something like "Soooooo... Is it bad that I've been thinking about you a lot lately?"... Any thoughts on that, or any suggestions?

[Clinton]

There is no easy way to do what you want, no trick or method that will let you ease into.the conversation.

 

You just have to write what you feel. Ya know, I've missed you, always thought we should have stayed together, want to give it another chance kind of thing.

 

And then you take whatever answer you get and either move forward(unlikely) or move on. That's all you can do.

 

One thing to think about is you are attempting to steal another man's girlfriend and if you do break them up somehow,we'll have another member of enotalone.

 

Do you really want to do.that to someone.

[Shane Falco]

Isn't it possible that she is not all that happy with her current relationship and that she would try to reconcile if given the chance? She has a very stubborn personality and she may be staying in that relationship solely because she doesn't want to lose face or get hurt again by coming to me and getting rejected. I'm not saying this is the situation, but I'm just throwing out possibilities where her being in a relationship doesn't really mean much in the grand scheme of things.

 

Sorry man, this sounds like a lot of wishful thinking and crap. If she wasn't happy in the relationship, she wouldn't be in the relationship. I mean, she broke up with you, right? She's perfectly capable of releasing a guy from his contract if she felt like it. At the very least she'd be sniffing around and looking for another situation. If she is doing that, she's not exactly looking at you, is she? She's sent a few joking texts over the last few months -- she's not exactly trying to get coffee or a drink with you is she? And before you say "she's too stubborn", if she was "too stubborn" she wouldn't be contacting you at all.

 

I just don't really see this being a good idea for multiple reasons. You are too emotionally invested and you are trying to recreate the past, not generate a future. And you are looking for a process to get her back, which is pretty manipulative in nature. And I just saw you are in a relationship -- it's pretty crappy of you to be plotting to get back with an ex when you have a girlfriend currently. Be fair to your girlfriend and break up with her now instead of using her as a safe landing place while you assemble troops to try to invade your ex. That's not cool dude.

[arizonatea]

Be fair to your girlfriend and break up with her now instead of using her as a safe landing place while you assemble troops to try to invade your ex. That's not cool dude.

 

It's not that I don't want to be with her. She's a great girl and we have a good relationship. However, despite that I am simply in a situation that my ex and I had something truly special and if I had the ability to reconcile with my ex, I would take it. If I start receiving indications that my ex wants to reconcile, I would immediately end the relationship with my current gf. I'm not looking to hurt her, but there is no reason to end a good relationship if reconciliation is not a possibility. I'm sure many of us have "the one that got away" that we would happily reconnect with given the chance. But, we have to move on with life, even if our current relationships aren't as good as that one special one. So again, if I received any sort of indication that reconciliation is possible, I would certainly end things in my current relationship.

[Shane Falco]

That's really not cool at all. Either you are with your current girlfriend 100 percent or you aren't with her. It's not fair to her and extremely selfish on your part. You are holding her back from finding someone who values her as a No. 1 option so you can having something comfortable while secretly pining for your ex-girlfriend. Either stay with this girlfriend and put the ex in the past for good or breakup with her and make a play for your ex. But taking up fort with one woman while figuring out how to get the other isn't cool at all.

[AintEasy]

Yah you know what, I'm going to completely agree with Shane. Something I am utterly tired of in this world is people's inability to be alone. Every ex I have ever had was ony capable of ending it once they found someone else. This is the first time in my life I've been genuinely alone and while it is the hardest time I've had, it is also the most important. I have never had so much time to learn about myself and really work on my own happiness. This is what people need to do. Stop fearing being alone. For her sake leave her, and then go after your ex. If that doesn't work, take your time to be alone and HEAL.