I know it's not a good idea but I want to break no contact.

[neverknowwhy]

Anyone who has read my last two forum posts knows that I recently got out of this long distance relationship.

 

She would post on social media about getting back with some guy I made her stop talking to and she told me that she was bored, my personality wasn’t what she envied, and that we don’t belong.

 

I went no contact and she contacted me four separate times in the past 10 days. I responded to none. All of her messages had a hint on insincerity and she took no interest in how I was doing. She called me immature for ignoring her and that's how she knew we weren't right for each other.

 

But if I’m being honest, I want to break no contact. I still think about her. Every day it's been getting worse. There doesn’t go five minutes when she’s not on my mind and it makes me sad how we ended even though it was entirely her doing. It’s been 10 days since I’ve looked at her social media and I know I shouldn’t but I want to reach out. I want to tell her why I’ve been ignoring her. How I’m still trying to get a job in her area, not because of her, but because that’s the city I want to be in. I want to get away from where I am. I don’t like the fact that we ended something that, while short-lived, was one of the best things in my life. I miss her voice and I miss spending my nights talking with her.

 

It’s probably a mistake and I’m sure you guys will tell me why, but I’ve been thinking about this all day. I know what I’d say, I just don’t want to regret it.

 

I’d appreciate your advice. You all seem to know what’s best.

[Denguin]

Did you ever tell her you were going to stop contacting her + provide a reason? Or did you just stop replying?

[weathergirl]

Don't do it...you will regret it. Cause bottom line is...and she has told you this already...she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you...you don't have the "right" personality for her...you're not the right fit....and most important...she is into another guy! Again...all of which she has told you already!

 

I know you miss her..but are you up to getting emotionality beat up again! Why? It's clear she doesn't give a rat's rear end about you...you DO get that, don't you?

 

No please don't contact her.....please!

[neverknowwhy]

The day we agreed to stop talking went like this.

 

Me: "I'm probably more interested in you than you are in me and it's probably been that way from the start. You're interested in that other guy, Matt."

Her: "I'm bored, to be honest."

Me: "Judging by the things you've said in the past made me think otherwise. One day you'll realize what could have been possible. But if that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel. Have a nice life."

Her: "Possible, maybe not good or right. Maybe for you. But I don't think I'd be fulfilled. Your personality isn't what I envy, I'm not drawn to you. I love you and I love you as a person. But that's it, we don't belong. I didn't want you to come up here to find that out."

 

Then I never responded and it's been 10 days and she sent four messages and I just typed out what I wanted to say to her.

[weathergirl]

Tell Denguin what her four messages were about. Totally self-centered and frankly mean and vicious. Doesn't want a romantic relationship, but needs his attention.

 

Or better yet, Denguin go read his other thread.

[chamachama]

Do not contact. That pain will eventually come less and less. If you contact her it will only add to it. You will definitely regret it. What do you hope to gain from it anyway? She's with someone else dude. It's over. Nothing you say or do will get her back right now. Keep up with the no contact, trust me. And move on in a healthy positive way. Go find a new activity with new people. That helps a lot. And hit the gym, hard.

[neverknowwhy]

Her messages in the last week:

 

"I'm sorry."

"I can't just leave you, I know you're sad. I know it's partly my fault. Let the relationship change, don't just break it out of hate. And I don't mean dating relationship, I mean one human to another. If you can't love all of me.. like this is who I am... then you never loved me at all anyway!"

"I almost just died."

"You're just going to ignore me? You're so immature. This is why I knew you weren't for me."

[neverknowwhy]

Do not contact. That pain will eventually come less and less. If you contact her it will only add to it. You will definitely regret it. What do you hope to gain from it anyway? She's with someone else dude. It's over. Nothing you say or do will get her back right now. Keep up with the no contact, trust me. And move on in a healthy positive way. Go find a new activity with new people. That helps a lot. And hit the gym, hard.

 

I don't know for sure if she's with the guy. Because when I made her end it with him earlier the guy told her that it was fine and he didn't want to be in a relationship anyway.

 

I hit the gym every day, it's the only time she's not on my mind.

[Denguin]

Yeah, I agree. Those messages to you were distasteful and so disrespectful. Oh, I can't help but laugh at her. She's not drawn to you, yet here she is pestering you after you stop giving her attention.

 

 

Agree with everyone else. Don't break contact. She doesn't deserve it. Clearly whatever else she was pursuing hasn't panned out the way she planned it, and she's back just looking for validation to boost her ego.

 

Here's how it'll go:

 

1) You break contact and you give her that ego boost

 

2a) She'll b**** at you for not responding and insult you more than she already has

2b) She'll accept whatever you say (which I bet would be an apology) and begin to build you back up/give you hope

 

3a) You end up even more hurt than you already are.

3b) She'll eventually begin pursuing someone else and kick you to the curb again

 

4b) You'll end up even more hurt than you already are.

 

 

Nothing can be gained, only lost. Don't do it.

 

Edit:

 

Case in point. She's trying to play it as if she's the victim here. She has no remorse for how these messages will affect you. You're much better off without someone so selfish.

[chamachama]

She is basically saying this "my ego is so gigantic that I'm very upset that you can't allow me to talk to you about how much I don't like you and justify myself for breaking up with you. How dare you not want to make me feel better by being my friend now?"

 

Sorry man, she is gone. Defreind on fb, delete pics, no contact, I'll say that again no contact.... And move on in a healthy positive way. Did I mention no contact? Pains coming regardless. Why grab at if and needlessly create more? Don't do it. Join boxing or martial arts or rock climbing instead. You'll be super happy that you reacted this way if you do...

 

Also, you "made" her end her thing with another man? That right there should have been the end. Lesson: Don't ever try to make anyone do anything. It never works out the way you want. And more times than none you only end up reinforcing their desire to do exactly what you don't want them to do.

 

When a girl wants to be with someone else... Let her be with someone else. Not only was it not meant to be with you two, but why on earth would you ever want to be with someone who's only reason for not being with someone else was because you "made" her?

[weathergirl]

I don't know for sure if she's with the guy. Because when I made her end it with him earlier the guy told her that it was fine and he didn't want to be in a relationship anyway.

 

I hit the gym every day, it's the only time she's not on my mind.

 

Not the point..she is still into him...and not you.

 

I am sorry if I sound harsh here...but for the love of all things beautiful, I don't know what you're even thinking! Or maybe you are not thinking...not logically anyway.. instead you are allowing your emotions to control you and over-ride all rational and logical thought...

[neverknowwhy]

Not the point..she is still into him...and not you.

 

I am sorry if I sound harsh here...but for the love of all things beautiful, I don't know what you're even thinking! Or maybe you are not thinking...not logically anyway.. instead you are allowing your emotions to control you and over-ride all rational and logical thought...

 

There's things I want to say to her and let her know and just keeping it in is killing me. I don't how her life has been but I know she's in a very stressful situation currently. She recently lost her job and is on the verge of being kicked to the curb by her mom to fend for herself.

 

I can agree with you all, how she's reacted in the past 10 days is selfish and uncaring and insincere. But I don't want to think that I never meant anything to her. That's why I want to say something.

 

You're all right and I know you all are looking out for me, and I will listen to your advice even though living without saying what I want to her doesn't feel right.

[weathergirl]

Stop making excuses and trying to justify her behavior. She is NOT into you, period.

 

You will look like a "pansy" if you contact her...is that really how you want her to see you? She'll like the attention no doubt... but will lose all respect for you. Trust me on that!

[chamachama]

I understand how you're feeling. But whatever you want to say to her will not go as it plays out in your mind. All it will do is justify and validate her reasoning for breaking up with you. It will mean nothing to her at all. And she will see it as weak. Women respect strength. Remember that. Move on and no contact. And join something new and cool. It's good that you're hitting the gym. It's important to work on yourself. Add to it with something new and cool to get into with new cool people... And dude...I can appreciate that you feel bad for her and all...just let me know when I can get the "FU beeotch!!"s going. Because seriously... f her.

[neverknowwhy]

I'm going to address your post because that's a very good point you bring up.

 

We had been talking to each other for a while and she eventually asked me if I was talking to anyone else. I told her the truth and told her I stopped talking to other girls. I asked if she was talking to anyone else and she said no. But I found on her twitter her making posts about talking with this other guy, posting screenshots of their conversations, etc. I called her out on it and told I her I'm not going to be an option and she texted him that night and ended it between them. Then we continued talking and it was amazing. Literally every day was amazing conversation and enjoying each other's company.

 

But then she mentioned later that she wasn't 100% in this because she still thought of that guy. Just typing this is like a slap in the face. Red flags everywhere and I ignored them.

 

You guys are correct and you know what's best in this situation. Saying what I want might temporarily make me feel better but maybe it's better to leave things unsaid, no matter how much I'll struggle with it.

[neverknowwhy]

Stop making excuses and trying to justify her behavior. She is NOT into you, period.

 

You will look like a "pansy" if you contact her...is that really how you want her to see you? She'll like the attention no doubt... but will lose all respect for you. Trust me on that!

 

I understand how you're feeling. But whatever you want to say to her will not go as it plays out in your mind. All it will do is justify and validate her reasoning for breaking up with you. It will mean nothing to her at all. And she will see it as weak. Women respect strength. Remember that. Move on and no contact. And join something new and cool. It's good that you're hitting the gym. It's important to work on yourself. Add to it with something new and cool to get into with new cool people... And dude...I can appreciate that you feel bad for her and all...just let me know when I can get the "FU beeotch!!"s going. Because seriously... f her.

 

You guys are right, I will be seen as weak. But let me ask this, maybe it's stupid. Why does it matter now if she sees me as strong? We're not going to be together, I'll never see her, I'll never know what she thinks about me or how often, so why does it matter?

[chamachama]

Just know that it will not do anything at all but hurt you. It won't mean a thing to her.

 

You sound like a good dude. And you sound intelligent as well. The trajectory you choose to take from this point is up to you. You can be the weakass doormat depressed pining for her back guy by contacting her who she will never respect. Or you can choose to toss her like she tossed you, go no contact, and create a newer better cooler more exciting life for yourself without her in it.

 

Choose wisely my brother...

[neverknowwhy]

Chamachama, thanks for the compliments and thank you for your responses, all of you. I'm glad I reached out to you all.

 

I definitely don't want to be thought of as weak, lacking options, and be desperate for this girl. This is just the first girl that I've ever connected with and shared a lot of myself with and it's hard not having that now. But there will be others and there will be someone better. Life goes on.

 

I feel a bit ashamed about not knowing what was right in this situation but you all helped me and that means a lot. Thank you.

[Denguin]

You guys are right, I will be seen as weak. But let me ask this, maybe it's stupid. Why does it matter now if she sees me as strong? We're not going to be together, I'll never see her, I'll never know what she thinks about me or how often, so why does it matter?

 

It's to preserve your self-worth. Why do you want to enter a no-win situation?

 

Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she still controls you. To her right now, you probably appear like you've moved on with your life and are stronger than she thought. Quit while you're ahead. You've learned a lot about yourself, relationships, love, sex, whatever. Take that moving forward and make the next relationship even better. Perhaps she'll also learn a lesson that she can't just treat someone who cares about her so much like a piece of garbage.

[neverknowwhy]

It's to preserve your self-worth. Why do you want to enter a no-win situation?

 

Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she still controls you. To her right now, you probably appear like you've moved on with your life and are stronger than she thought. Quit while you're ahead. You've learned a lot about yourself, relationships, love, sex, whatever. Take that moving forward and make the next relationship even better. Perhaps she'll also learn a lesson that she can't just treat someone who cares about her so much like a piece of garbage.

 

You're exactly right. I did learn a lot in our time together and in our time apart. I won't give her the satisfaction and I do hope she realizes eventually how much I actually cared about her and how she treated me was wrong. But I do hope she has a great life even though it will be without me.

 

Thank you, Denguin, and thank you everyone who has been a help to me, not just today, but this past week.

[weathergirl]

You guys are right, I will be seen as weak. But let me ask this, maybe it's stupid. Why does it matter now if she sees me as strong? We're not going to be together, I'll never see her, I'll never know what she thinks about me or how often, so why does it matter?

 

Just curious.. but what is it you want to tell her?

 

This is what works for me. Write the text or email..telling her everything you want to say...but DON'T SEND IT. Put it in a drawer somewhere... trust me just writing it all down WILL make you feel better...but again do not send it...

 

Whenever you feel the urge to contact her...go back and read it.

 

Every day you don't contact her gets easier and I know this from experience.

 

I also think blocking her is important because when you block her, you won't be "expecting" and/or "hoping' to hear from her. She can't...she's blocked. This is good because just having that expectation or hope keeps you STUCK preventing you from moving on...

 

Block her...you will see. It's a very "freeing" feeling not to have that hope or expectation anymore...you'll see. It will enable you to move on much faster...

[neverknowwhy]

Just curious.. but what is it you want to tell her?

 

This is what works for me. Write the text or email..telling her everything you want to say...but DON'T SEND IT. Put it in a drawer somewhere... trust me just writing it all down WILL make you feel better...but again do not send it...

 

Whenever you feel the urge to contact her...go back and read it.

 

Every day you don't contact her gets easier and I know this from experience.

 

I also think blocking her is important because when you block her, you won't be "expecting" and/or "hoping' to hear from her. And just having that expectation or hope keeps you STUCK preventing you from moving on...

 

I wrote what I wanted to say.

 

"I’ve been thinking about sending this for the past few days but I couldn’t live with myself without telling you this. You have to know why I’ve been ignoring you. You told me that you were bored with me, that my personality wasn’t what you envied and that we don’t belong. You don’t know how you made me feel that day or these past days. You want to be with someone else and not me. That’s why I left. Try and see it from my side. You’re all I thought about and still think about. I’m still trying to make the move to New York. I’ve been working hard on a new resume and found some companies I’d like to work for. Maybe if I hear from one of these companies and I’m in New York we could meet and just talk. I don’t like how things ended between us even though it wasn’t my doing but yours. I hope you respond to this. If you don’t, I’ll have my answer but I hope you live the life you’ve always wanted."

 

Call me lame, judge me, whatever. It's nice to get it out but I won't send it. You guys are all right and I appreciate your advice.

[chamachama]

Do NOT send that dude. It will do the exact opposite of what you want it to. Plus it will hurt you and push her farther away. Do not send.

[neverknowwhy]

I'll listen to you and everyone else. You guys are right. I'm glad I reached out to you all, if I hadn't, I might have contacted her and said what was on my mind.

 

I'll leave it where it ended 10 days ago.

 

Thank you.

[Denguin]

I'm glad you won't send it. But because I know you'll have the urge to in the foreseeable future, I'll tell you this:

 

You are (unknowingly) criticizing her actions. Don't get me wrong, I think they deserve to be criticized... Only thing is, she's no where mature enough to take that in a constructive manner.

 

I honestly don't know why you want to reach out to this girl and keep her in your life. She's treated you like crap. HOWEVER, I will acknowledge that I'm being hypocritical. I would be lying if I told you I hadn't had the urge to reach out to an ex who treated me badly. I don't blame you one bit. On that note, I think it's okay to reach out to her eventually... But that day doesn't come until you can truly be indifferent to her reaction.

 

Every time you get the urge to send it, I want you to ask yourself this question: How will I feel if she doesn't respond? If the answer isn't that you couldn't give a rats, then you're not ready to send it.

 

 

Hang tight, bud. Post back here if you ever find yourself wavering again. We're happy to help.