He can't talk about sex...

[amb]

I'm a woman who has been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. He's an absolutely wonderful person and I definitely see a future with him. We are both in our early thirties. The problem I'm having is that I am not totally satisfied in bed, and he cannot talk about sex! I on the other hand am quite sexually open. I haven't had tons of partners in the past, but I do have experience, and probably a little more than him (though he's definitely no virgin).

 

I am always willing to please my partner, especially when I am in love like I am with him. With him, although the sex itself is pretty good, I don't have orgasms because he is either unwilling or too afraid to experiment with what might bring me pleasure. We have had sex in lots of different positions, and even tried anal (I hadn't done it before and I wanted to experiment with him). He was VERY happy to do that when I brought it up, but when it comes to my pleasure, he won't he won't open up at all and doesn't seem to take my needs into consideration.

 

I need manual or particularly oral stimulation from my partner in order to get off, and I love giving him hand jobs and BJs. He doesn't seem to really want to reciprocate much, which leaves me frustrated. He uses his hands a bit, but his technique doesn't really do it for me and he seems to shy away when I try to take it in a different direction. He has gone down on me one time only, and he was extremely drunk. Even then he seemed pretty hesitant. I know it's not an issue with my hygiene or anything, as I wash and trim/shave daily, I was fresh from the shower at the time, and I've never had a bad review. Mostly our sex life consists of some limited foreplay, penetrative sex (which I enjoy but can't orgasm from), and then once he's finished, we're done.

 

Being an open person, I have tried to just bring it up. Maybe I wasn't delicate enough, but I said I would like the focus to be on my pleasure as well as his, and that I really enjoy when a partner takes his time touching me, and especially when he goes down on me as I find it very easy to orgasm this way. I told him that I am feeling a bit sexually frustrated and that I'm hoping we could work on it. The reaction is tough to navigate - he gets extremely upset (not angry, just sad/worked up in an anxious way) and he cries! Because I said "my needs" aren't fully being met, he assumed that I will therefore leave him! I never phrased it like that at all, I was completely calm and gentle when I brought it up, and I don't see how I could have approached it differently. This was also not the first time we've had this conversation - and every other time, I've approached it in the same delicate manner and been met with the same reaction. He also says he "really wants to" go down on me or make me satisfied in some other way, so I wait weeks and months but nothing ever changes, then we end up having the talk again and he gets upset. I've even asked him to be straight up and let me know if oral sex is an option that's off the table, so we can move on and think of other things we can do instead. He said it's not off the table at all, the idea doesn't gross him out, and he's not one of those guys who "just won't do it". But yet he still doesn't??

 

I know he's not just some boring guy with no fantasies or ideas. I know he really enjoyed when we tried anal sex, but I also know he would never have brought it up or tried if I hadn't initiated it. I've also seen some bondage porn in his browsing history and he clearly has fantasies and turn-ons that I would love to explore with him (that stuff is also a fantasy of mine which I have never explored) but obviously we can't talk about anything like that when even the topic of oral is too much for him to discuss! He even mentioned being ashamed of looking at porn and saying he doesn't want to anymore. I wouldn't care at all (unless it were an addiction) because I look at it myself and enjoy it. I am not some prude who is horrified if a man has sexual fantasies or things outside the realm of vanilla that might be of interest, but he seems to not be comfortable with it at all - even his own fantasies. I am stumped as to why. As far as I know he has never had a traumatizing sexual experience, and he wasn't brought up in a religious household.

 

Basically, I just wish we could discuss something as simple as my pleasure without ending up feeling guilty for upsetting him - it's not like I'm asking him to tie me up and smack me around just yet. I merely want him to take the time to get to know my vagina better. I'm feeling frustrated and shut out and a bit resentful and confused. He managed to state that he's afraid he won't be good at oral, and I've tried to reassure him that I will enjoy whatever he does because I love him. I mean, for a few months I wasn't able to give him an orgasm with my hands or mouth, and now it's easy because I figured out what he likes and was willing to learn (still, he was never comfortable verbalizing it). How can I encourage more openness without upsetting him? I feel like I am hurting his feelings every time I bring it up. But if I say nothing, I'm settling for sex always being about his pleasure only (side note: he's comfortable masturbating in front of me/on me, it happens quite often). It's a real paradox because in every other part of our life together he is the MOST considerate man I have ever met, has unlimited patience with me and is just generally wonderful. Breaking up with him over this one thing is not an option that's on the table.

 

Any advice? Thanks in advance!

[Clinton]

He cries when you try and talk to him about it?? He obviously has some pretty deep seated security issues.

 

I'd suggest going to a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. It doesn't sound like you two can solve this on your own. You need a third party.

[rosephase]

I feel like you've described your feelings and love very well in this post. Have you tried writing to him?

[amb]

Bah. I was afraid of that answer, but you may be right. I don't know if that's something I could ever convince him to do, though. He does seem very afraid to lose me, the sex stuff is not the only thing that makes him worry about the potential for me to leave him. Which I understand in a way, because I am not without insecurity myself (I can be jealous, etc), but I have never given him a reason to think I would walk away from him. I wish I knew how to make him feel more secure and understand that I'm not going anywhere, I just want to work on this issue. Sigh.

[ForestofDreams]

Maybe he was with a girl before who made him afraid of oral. Maybe she put him down a lot and broke up with him over it or something, so now he's scared to try. He admitted to being scared to try...so that is defnitely the reason. He's afraid. Why?...well could have been a past experience. But that doesn't matter really. If he needs to be drunk to do it....do it like that at first (I know that sounds like crappy advice) but it's a start right? Then once he does it, tell him how amazing it felt (even if it doesn't) build up his confidence with it, and then once he's doing it regularly then you can tell him to change it (if it doesn't feel good for some reason).

 

Confidence is key!

[amb]

Rosephase, thanks. I haven't about this issue, but I did write him a long letter before. I think he appreciated it... Perhaps I could try that. He just gets SO uncomfortable the minute I mention anything sexual.

[amb]

ForestofDreams - ha, that is an idea I suppose..!

[Willywagtail]

Would it help if instead of talking, because now it's become 'an issue' in his mind, you did what you want during sex?

 

For example, as part of foreplay you could say," it would really turn me on if you went down on me", and then you could have penetrative sex? You could also put his fingers where you want them to go and pleasure him at the same time, or you could use a vibrator during intercourse or you could try the 69 position.

 

Part of the issue, is I think, that he feels he's being criticised - and I guess his manhood and skill as a lover are being questioned. (For good reason it seems!)

 

So, maybe quit the talking and turn sex into what you want by taking the initiative and making penetrative sex the last thing you do as a sort of 'reward'.