palmer14 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I made a post about how the break up happened a week or two ago, and the time not talking to her has cleared up my head a little. Basically, the last month of the relationship she was unsure of what she wanted and doubted our relationship. Whenever we discussed this in person she would always end up telling me how sorry she was and that any doubts she was having were unrelated to the relationship and she just had a lot going on. She broke down one night when we discussed the possibility of breaking up and told me that she never wanted to lose me from her life, and how much she needed me. Pretty much a week later she started having the doubts again and she grew very distant, and just acted cold and indifferent towards me. I told her it wasn't going to work anymore if she was going to keep acting like this, and she told me that she did not feel the same anymore and that she didn't think there was anything we could do about it. We broke up in person a week later, ending on good terms but both of us crying. She gave me an open answer on the chances for reconciliation in the future and that we would try to stay close/friends. It has been 10 days since then and there has been absolutely no contact between us, and mutual friends have told me that she still thinks she made the right choice but it worried about me. I completely support her doing what she thought was right and not sugar coating anything. What I don't understand is how she can have nights where she tells me things like how she wants to be with me forever, how much she loves and appreciates me, but as soon as we are apart for a few days she has doubts. She was my best friend, and we were extremely close when we were hanging out together except for about the last 2 weeks of the relationship. We are both in our first year of college and I know people change a lot between high school in then. I plan on not talking to her for another 20 days, and see how things are then. Not talking to her has made me a little more rational but I still want her back. I don't think it is fair to either of us to be friends when I know I will always have these feelings for her. Is the best way to get her back to go completely no contact for a longer period of time, or start talking casually after the 30 days are up? I know there has to be something there, because we were intimate and close with each other a week before we broke up. I am doing my best to move on, but it is hard to give up on her completely. I don't want us to completely drift apart because I don't see any chance of reconciliation happening if that is what I do. I do not have my hopes up at all in regards to getting back with her, but I still want to consider it at least a possibility. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 The chances are not good. You are both embarking on the beginning of your own lives and it is very difficult to stay a couple when you don't know who you are single or where your life is going. College is really a time to explore and not be tethered. Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 The chances are not good. You are both embarking on the beginning of your own lives and it is very difficult to stay a couple when you don't know who you are single or where your life is going. College is really a time to explore and not be tethered. I agree. I'm just still confused about everything because even when things were getting bad, we still had an amazing time together. And the weeks before things got noticeably worse I felt closer to her than I ever had before, it was great. I just don't understand how we could have so much fun together and be totally in love and then a couple of weeks later it's like nothing. I'm just not sure if I should try to be friends with her, because she was always more than a girlfriend to me, and we had a pretty casual relationship Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It didn't disappear. Its just not sustainable. She is confused as to her feelings...and when self doubt enters the picture, commitment goes out the window. Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 It didn't disappear. Its just not sustainable. She is confused as to her feelings...and when self doubt enters the picture, commitment goes out the window. That makes a lot of sense. When I was around she was always sure of her feelings, but not when I wasn't. That wasn't going to work for much longer and I think she just made a decision and stuck to it. I wanted to try to do something to fix it, but she did what she thought was right so I respect that. I suppose there is a slight chance that after some time she might realize she was happier when I was in her life and she may reconsider, but I can't expect that Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Break ups are rarely a straight line but instead have a lot of stops, starts and turns. What you describe is very text book. She ended it but still second guesses herself. Not to say the second thoughts warrant reconciliation but just more of being afraid and going through an adjustment from being a couple to being an individual. That and the fact that no one is all bad. No doubt she misses the good parts of you and your relationship but apparently there wasn't enough to sustain it. Try not to read too much into it. Whenever someone is giving you mixed messages. . it's typically a bad sign. No contact is not about trying to get someone back but rather a way to take care of yourself and heal. You already have experienced some of that by what you have shared. The time away has given you some clarity and will continue to do so. You goal now is to work on detaching and not trying to figure out how and when she'll return. This mindset will keep you stuck. She may return . .No one knows. But your priority right now is to focus on yourself. Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 It was more like she was second guessing herself before the break up, but eventually made a decision and stuck to it. She has always been proud to be as independent and individualistic as possible, and the relationship was never a huge part of her life, so I don't really think the transition of not being in a relationship is an adjustment for her, I think more of it is me not being around to talk to anymore. We were probably more best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, but we still were in love with each other, at least until she started having doubts. I agree that this mindset will keep me stuck, so thank you for that. I am not interested in other girls, and I really just miss being close to her. I am just still so confused if I should give being friends a chance, or completely cut her out. She meant more to me than a girlfriend so I don't know if it is better to have something with her rather than nothing. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It will be too hard on you when she starts dating. Best to let go. Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 It will be too hard on you when she starts dating. Best to let go. She told me she has no interest in other guys, but I know that could have just been her trying to make me feel better. She has never done anything to ever suggest she ever wanted someone besides me, but I suppose being at college and now single could change that. She is so focused on her sport and schoolwork that relationships with other people, even me, were always kind of an afterthought. She told me it was possible for us to get back together in the summer, but told me not to think about it and move on. She really means the world to me and have so many good memories together it is hard for me to let go after one patch of bad, but I really appreciate your honesty. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 She told me she has no interest in other guys, . I think this is a typical thing to say as well. Maybe she is, maybe not. . But no. .you can't be friends right now. . and not for some time. There are plenty of thread throughs out these forums of those struggling to try and stay friends. . Is just doesn't work. Read up on them . .It should be helpful to read others experiences with the exact same thing. Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I think this is a typical thing to say as well. Maybe she is, maybe not. . But no. .you can't be friends right now. . and not for some time. There are plenty of thread throughs out these forums of those struggling to try and stay friends. . Is just doesn't work. Read up on them . .It should be helpful to read others experiences with the exact same thing. Yeah I have read some of them, but then I read the thread about people getting back together and I end up getting my hopes up haha. I think the best thing is to just let her go for now and see what happens. I keep thinking that my situation is special but I know it isn't, but I suppose that is probably normal. I really just miss her Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Maybe it is special. In the meantime work on letting go, just in case Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Maybe it is special. In the meantime work on letting go, just in case hahaha that is a pretty good outlook to have on it! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 hahaha that is a pretty good outlook to have on it! I don't mean to make light of it. .I am sorry , this must be a really difficult time for you! Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 I don't mean to make light of it. .I am sorry , this must be a really difficult time for you! No haha I really think that is a good way to look at it. I didn't think you were making light of it! Link to comment
AintEasy Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 You are going through an incredibly similar situation to mine. Only difference is we were deeply in love and about to get married, and we were already 4 years into college. But the ex started a new job and saw all these "single" opportunities she was missing and may never get. She decided that she wanted to be single and figure out who she is outside of us. I guarantee you it is the same for your situation. I made my mistakes, and now I am 3 months down the road. My suggestion is to tell her if she tries to be friends, that you simply can not do that. two reasons. One you will never heal if you do so. Two it will actually backfire against reconciliation. She wants to be away from you, so give it to her. she needs to see if she truly enjoys life without you in it. In the mean time, heal and enjoy yourself the best you can. Link to comment
Betteralready Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Yeah I have read some of them, but then I read the thread about people getting back together and I end up getting my hopes up haha. I think the best thing is to just let her go for now and see what happens. I keep thinking that my situation is special but I know it isn't, but I suppose that is probably normal. I really just miss her If you read the thread about people getting back together, you should have noticed that many, if not most of those successful reconciliations took place after an extended period of separation, when both people have completely moved on, accepted the end of the relationship, and then returned later. So, even though reconciliation is never guaranteed, if you can't let go for any other reason . . . Let go because you can't get her back until you do. Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 I'm really sorry that that happened to you. And yeah I can definitely see some similarities. She doesn't drink, or party at all at college (that I am aware of), and she is kind of a reserved girl. She had a good social life and lots of friends, and I think she felt guilty of that because I didn't and that pushed her away some. She was very focused on school, and playing basketball for her school, that the relationship kind of got ignored and fizzled out. But yeah, that is my plan for now. If she does enjoy life completely without me, then I guess it just isn't meant to be. Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 If you read the thread about people getting back together, you should have noticed that many, if not most of those successful reconciliations took place after an extended period of separation, when both people have completely moved on, accepted the end of the relationship, and then returned later. So, even though reconciliation is never guaranteed, if you can't let go for any other reason . . . Let go because you can't get her back until you do. Yeah I understand what you are saying, makes a lot of sense. I'm doing my best to cut reminders of her out of my life, but it's tough driving past the same places everyday thinking about things we have done there, restaurants she liked, and I see her family around quite a bit too. But I know that eventually I can get over it. Link to comment
Betteralready Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 You absolutely can and will get over it : ) Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 You absolutely can and will get over it : ) Hope so! Just so frustrating how we could be so close one day then a few weeks later it's like nothing to her Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Yeah I understand what you are saying, makes a lot of sense. I'm doing my best to cut reminders of her out of my life, but it's tough driving past the same places everyday thinking about things we have done there, restaurants she liked, and I see her family around quite a bit too. But I know that eventually I can get over it. Find some comfort in knowing all these things you describe are typical. . Everyone who has gone through a breakup has felt the same way. It's just how our mind processes this. . Exposure to all these things lesson in time. Just know it's normal. . try not to fight it and know that in time it passes. Link to comment
palmer14 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 Find some comfort in knowing all these things you describe are typical. . Everyone who has gone through a breakup has felt the same way. It's just how our mind processes this. . Exposure to all these things lesson in time. Just know it's normal. . try not to fight it and know that in time it passes. Yeah, I know it's all normal. I really just miss her being in my life, but I need to cut her out for now Link to comment
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