Was working things out with ex now I get this

[Natmendez]

After a week of trying to work things out I had an emotional break down because I was feeling rejected by her. I wanted more contact than I was getting. She wanted to take things slow and I understand that I wasn't repspecting her wishes. She sent me an email the next day after we had talked on the phone during my break down. I know what it says, but I'm

still unsure where she stands on taking things slow. I'd like some perspective. FYI some info in this email is very deep and these are true feelings. Please be gentle to them.

 

 

 

 

I can live with you, and I can't live without you.That's how I feel about us. You are my love Nati. You're the only thing I hold most dear. That's why it hurts me so much when we fight or make each other so sad. When we do these things I feel like I've fallen or been dragged down into a deep hole and I'll never get out. Of course what can one expect with a relationship such as ours? We'll have every high, and so we'll have every low. Lower than most. But I'm not just scared of you or us. As I told you yesterday...I'm also scared of myself. Of the thoughts I get when I'm down in that dark hole. They come often when we fight since I left in December. "What's the point of this?! What was the point of that?! Why is she doing this to me?! Why is this happening to me?! What have I done?! What am I doing to myself?!" All of these that lead to others, such as "There is no more point. I'm done. I'm done with this and everything. There is nothing for me anymore." When we met up last Monday and after we were arguing at the gas station, you know what I was thinking-planning for whenever I got back home? I was going to drink a whole bottle of medicine. I even knew which ones I would start with first. The allergy pills because they're the smallest. Then my Excedrin or Ibuprofen. I remember hoping that those would be enough because I knew my throat would get tired of swallowing them after a while. That was it. That was my plan that I was creating as I was driving. I was driving in silence and I hate that, so that's when I pulled out my phone and saw that you had called me. After all of that, I thought that this was a sign. I thought you had saved me, had saved us. And I was happy. Yes I was scared out of my wit's end, but I became hopeful. I allowed myself the gift of hope. And maybe that was a mistake. You know how I always used to be the person who would look on the bright side of things? I would put on my Positive Patty hat, and try to take away your Negative Nancy. I don't find myself capable of maintaining such positivity anymore. Maybe my heart is too tired to keep it up anymore. It becomes more apparent when we fight. Like yesterday, after we got off the phone all I could hear were your cries echoing in my head on top of dozens of voices. Some small and sad. Others screaming at me, and you. What was I to do? I grabbed my blade box and sat down on the floor by the bed for a long time crying. Clutching my box. I opened it, then closed it. Then I reorganized the blades that had fallen out of place. I was deciding which one to use. Maybe one or more.I don't remember exactly anymore. After a while Aaron came and knocked on the door. I shut the box and then just continued to clutch it. He tired talking to me, but I was a little inconsolable at the time. He sat with me for a while, then left to take a shower. When he came back that's when I asked him to take it away from me. Even though I wanted him to, it was still so hard for me to let go. He got me up and out of the house. Later I felt better. But when this happens I know that eventually during the day I'll feel better. Something will bring my smile back if even for a moment. When we came back I slept for a few hours. My mind and body exhausted from the day's events. I don't like feeling this way Nati. That's why I want to go to the doctor. And I don't like sharing all of this with you because I know it hurts you, and I don't like to hurt you. I don't know what to do with all of this. I feel fine when I'm numb or can put everything else in a box for a while. But when I feel my love and hope for you, when it breaks and fails, I am in the worst pain imaginable. So what do I do? How can I fix things so I can never feel this way again or at least know how not to stay there in that dark hole? Because one of these days, I'm scared that I'll be too tired or uninterested in coming out. And then there truly will be nothing. This is me peeling back my skin and barring my soul to you. My thoughts and feelings of my day that you so much want to be a part of. Think on this for a while. I Love you.

 

Your Sami

[Betteralready]

Nat, this is very sad. And I completely relate to all of it.

It seems like as much as you two love each other, the attachment you have isn't healthy for either of you.

 

I don't know how old you are or what your long-term aspirations are for this relationship, but it seems like at least one of you, and probably both of you, could benefit from counseling.

 

I often recommend counseling- because it's helped me so much. I might sound redundant on my posts but I really believe (good) therapy helps people get a good outside perspective on what they need to work on not only in a relationship, but individually.

Maybe the problem is easy, like communication or skill-building. But maybe not, and if it's bigger than that, it's better for you two to learn now and move on than to keep up unhealthy patterns and just hurt each other more.

Good luck.

[Natmendez]

Thank you for your response. I agree with you about counseling. I just started a week ago, so I have a long journey ahead of me. As for my ex she's also sought counseling as well, on her own. We are both in our mid-twenties and we were together almost 2 years. We were engaged when we broke up. We had aspirations to buy house, get married, and have kids, the whole nine yards. We both love each other very much and we hope to be together again one day.