How often do you see your friends?

[orangecounty]

Hello,

 

I recently got married, although I've been with my husband for 7 years. We've always had a good balance of spending time together and hanging out with our friends. I have one friend that I've known for many years and whom I normally hang out with every 2-3 weeks, which I'm comfortable with. My friend however the last while wants to hang out every week, I'm sure she would hangout several times of week if I was up to it. When I haven't seen her for a couple weeks, she makes comments about how we haven't seen each other in so long, she misses hanging out. I'm finding it a little suffocating. I appreciate her friendship but I find with everything else I have to do in the week, I can't devote that amount of time to hanging out. We're both 31, she has never been in a serious relationship so I know she has a lot more time on her hands and I totally understand that she would fill that time with seeing friends, but I just can't hang out as often as she would like to. How often do you see your friends?

[mhowe]

Too general a question...

 

In your case, you need to tell her that with your new marriage as well as other commitments, that your own personal schedule is simply not that free.

[Batya33]

I have some local friends and some friends who live far away. I have a few friends - 3-4 -who I speak to at least once a week on the phone -real conversations. As for local friends it's less than once a week although if we do an activity together with our children then it might be more often. I have friends who are single, married, have children, do not have children - very diverse group. If someone wanted to hang out with me more than once a week my lifestyle would not allow it. It also wouldn't have worked before I got married and had a child because I did not have that kind of free time. Mostly in my 20s and 30s I saw my boyfriend at the time the most often and certain friends once a week or less. I've always kept in touch by phone and I've also spent extended periods of time with friends traveling, on vacation, etc.

[shellyf62]

I had a friend like that. We were both single, but I also did volunteering, spent time with my family, did things alone. She didn't have any of this. Her children were estranged and she had a lot of spare time.

 

It got to the point of her making snarky comments to my face & also on FB posts I had made. I finally had to stop being her friend, as it was just all too draining.

 

Her last comment to me was "well you have issues" LOL

[Snny]

When I haven't seen her for a couple weeks, she makes comments about how we haven't seen each other in so long, she misses hanging out. I'm finding it a little suffocating.

That's because she is not married and doesn't have as much responsibilities as you do as a married woman. I had friendships drift apart over marriage and kids because of added responsibilities and changes in priorities. It is ok to go out with friends once in awhile, but it becomes seldom as time grows.

 

At the most I don't see my friends for a few months because of distance (I am out of state AND married). That's how life is as an adult.

[Batya33]

That's because she is not married and doesn't have as much responsibilities as you do as a married woman. I had friendships drift apart over marriage and kids because of added responsibilities and changes in priorities. It is ok to go out with friends once in awhile, but it becomes seldom as time grows.

 

At the most I don't see my friends for a few months because of distance (I am out of state AND married). That's how life is as an adult.[/quote

 

Snny this is not meant as an attack but I could not stand the assumption when I was single (till age 42) that married people necessarily have more responsibilities than single people just because of marital status. Could not be further from the truth -sometimes single people have far more responsibilities and less free time if we want to find a husband. I remember getting an email from a married friend about how my "crazy single life was going" while I was working crazy hours, doing volunteer work, etc etc. Other friends take care of their elderly parents while single.

 

I think keeping in touch with friends is essential but can also be done by phone.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add that anyone who has time to hang out 2-3 times a week -single or married (unless it is while taking care of a child simultaneously) probably does not have as many responsibilities as a person who would like to be able to do that but simply doesn't have the time. I just do not think that anyone should presume a married woman has more responsibilities than a single woman without knowing more. I think it's very sad when women give up their friends just because they have a man in their life. There often are significant, negative consequences to that decision.

[orangecounty]

I wouldn't say one over the other has more responsibility. I did however spend more time with friends when I was single, as I didn't also have a partner to share my time with. I guess interestingly enough, even if I HAD the time, I still wouldn't want to hang out every week. I guess everyone is different when it comes to how often they like to go out. I definitely know I'm more of an introvert and my friend is an extrovert, which would make sense.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't say one over the other has more responsibility. I did however spend more time with friends when I was single, as I didn't also have a partner to share my time with. I guess interestingly enough, even if I HAD the time, I still wouldn't want to hang out every week. I guess everyone is different when it comes to how often they like to go out. I definitely know I'm more of an introvert and my friend is an extrovert, which would make sense.

 

Yes, that sounds like it was true of you -single people might not have to share time with a partner but they might with a demanding boss, an elderly parent, a friend who needs them, at a volunteer commitment, etc - there are many different kinds of responsibilities.

 

I loved your point about introvert v. extrovert - I don't need to socialize in person -a phone call is great too -depending on the type of friendship. I went out a lot when I was single because it was one of the main ways to meet a partner -otherwise, after I was a teenager/early 20s (when I felt peer pressure to go out, especially on weekend nights) I would have stayed in more if I had had a partner who wanted to stay in.

[Snny]

Snny this is not meant as an attack but I could not stand the assumption when I was single (till age 42) that married people necessarily have more responsibilities than single people just because of marital status. Could not be further from the truth -sometimes single people have far more responsibilities and less free time if we want to find a husband. I remember getting an email from a married friend about how my "crazy single life was going" while I was working crazy hours, doing volunteer work, etc etc. Other friends take care of their elderly parents while single.

 

I think keeping in touch with friends is essential but can also be done by phone.

Until you are working a job (some of us work two or three a day) with longer hours to financially support a family, managing time with your own children or arranging childcare/babysitter to go out, and balancing time with your husband/your parents/in-laws, then it gets to be difficult to make time for your friends. As a single person you are not completely tied to the additional responsibilities of balancing family and work as you would if you are married. You have more people involved in your life to support that friends become a secondary priority. My friends who are single have more free time to go out together than those who are married or have kids. I remember growing up and seeing my parents only visiting their friends 3 or 4 times a year because their personal schedules involved in their jobs and their own families. I also the kind of person who doesn't count spending time with my friends just by talking on the phone. I prefer face-to-face interaction.

[Batya33]

I could not disagree more and you were talking just about marriage, not children as well. There are many single people who care full-time for an elderly parent as well as work full-time - or who have other, similar responsibilities they cannot toss aside to make time for friends - I think your view is very narrow and that kind of "smug married" that people complain about.

 

You are assuming that all married people have to make time for their in-laws (I don't- they live far away - and my situation is not unusual) and I think it's very very sad to wave your marital status around as "well now friends are not as important". It's fine if you choose that "well I have my husband, in-laws so friends are now secondary" but it makes no sense to claim that you "have to" make that choice just because you're married or have kids.

 

 

Yes, I cannot see my friends at the same times that I could when I didn't have a child, yes I can't even talk to them at the same times I used to because now I have a child. I used to be able to talk by phone at night and now I have to prioritize getting to bed early so I have enough energy for my job as a full-time mom (my day starts at 6am and used to start closer to 8am when I worked outside the home and I had less cleaning to do at night). So yes there are changes in schedules/flexibility -but priorities? My top priority and responsibility during the day is my child. When I was single my top priority during the day was my work and my boss/supervisors so talking on the phone was secondary to that as was a social life. When I worked it was far more than full-time so yes it was like having 2-3 jobs and I was on call 24/7 most of the time. I was only married a few months without a child so I can't speak to that.

 

I wouldn't go down the path of "if you work full time and have a family" because many people have worse schedules than that and have no husband or child. I'm talking about the mind-set of "friends are not as important to me because now I'm married" not the logistics -if you have the attitude of "friends are just as important to me now as before I took my vows" then you make it work -in a modified way -and you don't justify not being there for your friends with "well they just have to understand that that was for my single years and now they're just not as important to me".

 

I'm looking for a job right now. The only way I am getting interviews and leads is through friends. And that is because I made them a priority the last 6 years and now they just can't do enough for me when I say "I'm looking to go back to work". I get emails from people like that. I prioritize helping those people who have made our friendship a priority as I would think anyone would (and that's not why I was a good friend - it's just one of the benefits of staying in touch).

 

I agree that if you're going to narrowly define making friends a priority as in-person time then I haven't made friends a priority in over 20 years when I started my second career. I've always made it a priority to keep in regular touch with my close friends by phone (and secondarily, e-mail if we can't do phone) and I see them as often as we can. I would lose a lot of friends if I expressed the feeling -ever!- that just because I am married with a child I have more responsibility than a person who is single and works or goes to school full-time. And those people would be right to be offended. In my humble opinion.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add -I've always cut my friends a lot of slack when they go through any major lifestyle change -marriage/children/ill parent/new job/relocation - we all have to be extra flexible and supportive at those times.