How long is too long?

[ayekasong]

I'd like to hear some thoughts on this idea. How long is too long to wait for a real commitment in a relationship?

 

Yesterday I had to say one of the most painful goodbyes to my long-distance boyfriend... I may not see him until September and seeing him off was absolutely horrible. We've been together for two and a half years, which have been mostly long distance. Until last August we were only 3 hours apart, now we are a 13-hour plane ride apart.

 

Anyway, I digress. This painful goodbye got me thinking... how long is too long to wait for engagement or marriage? Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking about breaking up with him or pushing the marriage issue. We're both still young and he's still in college so it's not an issue yet.

 

But his sister just got married a few months ago. I've heard of couples being together for 10 years with no engagement plans or anything. I've also heard of people being engaged for 8 years... That's fine if that's what the couple wants, but it's not what I want, and I suspect that many others feel the same way. I'm not looking for answers to my situation here, I'd just like to hear your thoughts on this subject.

 

So what do you think? How long would you wait for a long-term commitment such as engagement or marriage?

 

Thanks for your thoughts!

[atigdng]

I believe that if you have someone that you believe is the one, and that they are committed to you, then your 8 month wait is a peace of cake. Me personally I am going to have to wait another 2 years and I believe that every minute is worth the wait if you have found the one, and it will make everything just that much more special when the time comes. You should be able to wait till september, really it is no problem. If you stand this test of time, then what can stop you? Time is the biggest and most challenging thing in a relationship. I hope that you can wait!

[Mun]

I'm not an engagement expert, but I would say it depends on your age and on what exactly you are looking for.

 

To me 2 years is a long time to wait for an engagement ring, but I'm 36...so there's a difference. At my age I would think that by the end of the first year both of us should know whether the relationship is leading to marriage or not. If it's not and we both don't want that then fine...but if it's not and I do want to get married I would let him know that I want to get married some day. Still no marriage talk? I would then move on. I wouldn't wait 5 years for a ring and I wouldn't want to manipulate him into a proposal either because then it doesn't count .

 

You're relationship has been mostly long distance, that puts a spin on things. There is a certain safety in not being so close and having to deal with day to day issues couples who live within miles of each other face. The way I see it ( and I could be wrong) a long distance relationship is easy to drag on and on. If you are feeling like this relationship is not moving to your speed then you are right in breaking up.

[RayKay]

A lot does depend on the people involved in the relationship - their own individual preferences, their experiences, their ages, but more so their relationship maturity/experience.

 

For example, when you are still very young I definitely would not advocate getting married/engaged yet as you have not had that much "mature" relationship/dating experience or life experience yet to truly understand yourself or what you really "want". I know there are always going to be exceptions, but when people say you change a lot from your teens, to your twenties, to your thirties (etc) they are right, even when it seems like you "already" know who you are...I promise you, things change! When you are young too, you just often aren't "ready". That can change with time, but not necessarily while you are with the person, sometimes you need to grow apart to grow and mature, to be on your own and learn about yourself independent from another person (especially if you have been together a long time).

 

Now I am in no way saying wait forever, as part of a relationship is growing together, but you both have to be in that place. Often one person if they have been with the same person during these periods (teens-twenties) they find they need to be on their own. You want to make sure you and the person you are with understand the true commitment you are making.

 

I also think as you are more mature, and have had those experiences in your past, and know yourself more, you are more likely to make a commitment sooner. You KNOW when this relationship is the one, and different from any other. I think when a couple is older (later twenties on up) I think that they should know within months, at least the first year, whether this relationship is leading to long term commitment - or rather if there is going to be one or not. You are both adults, hopefully in similar stages of your life, and are not going to "wait around" hoping your partner changes their mind about commitment...you learn that it does not take TIME to warm up to marriage, it just takes the right person....if someone in the relationship is not interested in marriage in the future (ever) than you need to consider what YOU want yourself.

 

With my current partner, we knew very early on this was something different...at about one month along we started talking about moving in together, and in two more weeks (when we have been going out about 3 months) he will be moving in. We of course brought one another home to our parents, and talk of future plans (travelling, etc). It just feels right, but a few years ago I would not of known whether it was right, or whether I was ready, and likely neither would he of.

 

So you need to decide whether this relationship is fulfilling you, if he is the right person and worth the wait. If he is, then 8 months is "nothing" in terms of forever, but only you can make that call. Do you know if there is a commitment on his side to the long term? If not, but you are happy with what you have, and not too worried about where it ends up (marriage) then continue on, but if that risk is too big then maybe consider whether this relationship is right for you.

[ayekasong]

Hey everyone, thanks for your replies! I'm not really asking this question so much to solve a problem, but to hear your experiences, although I do appreciate your input on my situation.

 

As for there being a commitment from his side... well, he's talked about a future with us together, and he talks as though we will still be together when I come back, which I really do want. However, I try not to push the issue of the future (as tempting as it is) because he's in his last semester of school, and it is really important to me that he finish college before we start making any plans for a serious commitment. My mother always told me not to get married before I graduated from college, and I feel I should hold my partner to the same standard because so much of college helps you start to discover who you are. I also understand how much you can change after you leave college and get into the working world (I'm in this situation right now). I think it's a good idea to establish yourself before you get too serious about a future.

 

This relationship is definitely fulfilling me right now, and I do think he is worth the wait. However, I know I can't keep doing this LDR thing for much longer (after I get back), as the goodbyes keep getting more and more painful. Right now I feel like I'm missing a piece of my heart, and it hurts like crazy. He wants me to be closer to him when I move back to the U.S., but he doesn't know where he will be working yet, so we can't really make plans yet...

 

I'm not in a hurry either as we are both only 22 years old. Just trying to take life one step at a time right now.

[Cecelius]

I think at your age that several years would not be out of the realm, assuming that you two were living in close proximity and could conduct your relationship more robustly. A little attached but not living together time is valuable.

 

He sounds like he is normal and not reactionary, but I'd be careful about discussing marriage too much (let your gut be your guide though). It is not hard for a man to hear "I want to get married" or similar comment as a goal or state a girl wants to be in and that the man in question merely fits into the role, but that being married is paramount.

[Fif Angel]

Well I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years and there are times when I find myself wondering where exactly the whole thing is going.

 

We used to always talk about `when we get married` but now that we are most probably going to enter a LDR come September, I have noticed that he has stopped talking like that.

 

Of course there is no way we could get married in the near future as we are both students and so financially dependent on our parents.

 

In some ways, a marriage proposal of sorts would be nice, especially as I am moving away- I would feel like our relationship had some sort of long term goal and not just ambling along until it fizzles out. However I recognise that an engagement would not really be practical at this time.

 

For the record I don`t think 22 is too young to think about these things- in my opinion there is a right time to do something, not necessarily a right age.

[vanbutterfly]

It depends on what you need, and what you want, and what you think you will get out of moving more in depth in your relationship.

I know people that were together for 10 years and later they got married and had kids. Why they waited, I don't know.. Then there are people that want to get married..and that is it. Doesn't matter with who. I was with my boyfriend from 17 for about 6 years, and he asked me to marry him. I said no. He got married 9 months later to someone at work. He felt he was getting old (he was 29).

 

Also, remember you are 22. You are young...are you worried that he will never commit, or worried that it will take too long to commit with him?

 

If he DOES talk about the future together, then that is something!! (my last ex didn't and claimed he couldn't plan because he didn't know what would happen - of course as soon as his mum came here from overseas for a holiday, he broke up with me and moved in with her.. lovely.)

 

There is no rush. I think as soon as people get older, they want to get married faster. I wanted my boyfriend to propose within 2 years of now. I didn't want to bother with him if he wasn't serious - but that is just my opinion, and I am 27..not 22.

[dreamweaverdude]

There are several factors that would effect the length of time you might be willing to wait. Menuca and other have mention most of these but here are a few:

 

1) Age is definitely a factor. I would think that the older you are the less likely you are to wait a long period.

 

2) I think the person you are with effect the decision. If the SO is the'soulmate' you are looking for.. then you might be willing to wait longer on himk/her than you would.... someone not 'do perfect'

 

3) LDR or local relationship : Menuca is definitely right a long-distance relationship can drag and drag on because they dont have to deal with the small things other couples do......

 

4) YOur self-esteem. I think the more confident you are in yourself the less likely you are to wait on someone else. and Maybe a lack of confidence would allow you to wait along time thinking that no one else will ever come along.

 

Just some thoughts.....