8 months after breakup

[miss_sunshine]

Well I am slowly feeling better, 8 months after the breakup of an 11.5 year relationship. I still find myself in shock all the time though that this has really happened and that he did this to me. I am shocked that he never contacts me, that in the end I meant nothing to him, he really did not love me very much at all. That he has not slipped up once and called me in the middle of the night or sent me a text when he was drunk. Did I really mean that little to him? What they hell did he feel for me all that time, how long was he lying, was any of it real?

 

He did reach out at the 3 week and the 7 week mark but then there has been nothing since. I know when I did not reply he probably would have taken that as a sign that he hurt me very badly but I still thought he might try again to try and get some closure or end things on a nicer note than they did.

 

I am proud of myself that I have never contacted him, and I have not slipped up. But it makes sense to me why I do not contact him. He hurt me, we were just about to buy a house and he was telling me all the right things about getting married etc and then he was just gone and had decided he did not want marriage and kids. He really did blindside me and kept a lot of his feelings to himself. From his side it just feels like he must hate me and that is so very confusing to me. Doesn't he hurt and miss me sometimes? What did I mean to him?

 

This week it was his birthday and I got through that okay and today is Australia Day and I miss him quite a lot. We would always go to one of his friends places for a BBQ and to think of him doing that without me makes me a bit sad. I also remember driving home in the car last year from an Australia Day BBQ and him telling me how his mate was going to propose to his girlfriend and how he had told him to make sure he does not do it before he does. I know it is only words but it is just so weird to me. He did not need to tell me about that conversation as I was not there.

 

I just wish I could find a way to stop asking myself the same questions over and over and I could understand what happened and move forward from the pain. I have been going out a lot more and meeting new people which is helping a lot. I am also planning a trip to Europe mid year so I can create some of my own memories and just out of this house we shared together and experience some new things all on my own. I am looking forward to moving in my apartment later in the year and getting out of this place we shared together as it holds way too many memories for me.

[ForestofDreams]

Wow this sounds just like a break up I had. I was really confused because he talked about marriage and kids with me too. Then after 2 years out of the blue, he broke up and never came back. There was no closure, nothing. I just had to forget about him and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It took me 2 years (maybe longer) to even start to feel better.

 

I actually did eventually find out why he left. He had another girl in the background. Whenever this happens I find it's A LOT easier for them to let go, because they have someone there already. Maybe he had another girl that whole time. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it would explain why he left unharmed while you had to suffer with wondering why and heartbreak. Maybe he didn't want to tell you to avoid conflict. Either way he's a selfish jerk and you deserve so much better. Lots of Hugs

[engraved2008]

So sorry that you was left with so many questions without answer fr him...I have realized that some men can walkout after years of relationship with no problem . For some ,it takes years to reconnect . In your case, if he reached out couple of times with no response , he maybe felt that you have moved on as well.

[Ms Darcy]

You are actually progressing, and this is a positive thing.

 

I would suggest that you identify 3-4 goals for the next year and work towards reaching them. The more you focus on things outside of him, and have the accomplishment of achieving those goals, the better you will feel about yourself.

[Willywagtail]

I absolutely know how you feel. I was in a 12 year marriage and my husband decided he didn't want to be married any more.

 

To say that I was heartbroken and devastated is putting it mildly!

 

My feelings and thoughts were really similar to yours. I couldn't understand how one minute he was loving, attentive (and we were talking about moving to Byron Bay) the next minute' he's gone and I didn't exist. Cold, heartless, rude, lying and not one word of care and compassion.

 

My thoughts drove me crazy for a long time, so I do empathise with your distress.

 

The first thing I'd say, is that 8 months is a very short time after your break up. You're still trying to process what happened, feelings of rejection, your grief and how he's behaved. You're also trying to somehow make sense of the time you had together and how he has discarded that time (and you) so unfeelingly.

 

The second thing I'd like to say is that I doubt he hates you. I used to think this as well, but after some time I understood that people deal with break ups in different ways. My ex felt that cutting off contact, being mean to me, and acting as my feelings didn't exist would help him move on. And it did, because he could blame it all on me and move forward feeling that he didn't do anything wrong. I do know that he did love me even if he behaved badly at the end.

 

The third thing I'd like to say is that trying to understand his motivation is a recipe for madness. Of course we want to make sense of what happened, but it actually leads us nowhere. What this means is that you have to put some effort into thinking about other things. Your trip overseas sounds perfect and you'll find when you return that the grief will have eased.

 

You won't forget him, and you will still often feel sad. What will happen though is that it won't hold the same intensity for you and will pass much more quickly.

 

You're doing all the right things.

[SadLaura]

I'm really sorry to hear what you have gone through. I have been through something similar. All my hopes and dreams shattered and he had a unwillingness to be honest at the end and answer the questions I had - that was his final cruelty to me. But I wish you every luck in your new life and hope you can move on. Take everything in small steps. That's what I'm trying to do. I've just brought concert tickets, I'm going on my own, but like you say it's making new memories. Good luck!

[miss_sunshine]

Hi ForestofDreams, I'm sorry to hear your story. Chances are there probably was someone else which would make a lot of sense. I really have no idea. Hearing you say it took you 2 years to feel better makes me feel better actually, as after 8 months I am still hurting a lot, not interested in dating etc.

 

Thanks Ms Darcy, I agree with you. A huge thing for me will be going overseas on my own. I have only had one overseas trip and that was with my ex and it's important to me to see the world and he was always a bit reluctant. I'm also buying my first house in December, which was something we were saving to do together. Another huge one for me is getting fitter and healthier and happier in my appearance as well as making new friends and new experiences. If I can do all those things this year, I will be a lot happier and proud of myself.

 

Gollum, what wonderful advice. Thanks so much!

 

SadLaura, I'm so sorry hon. It's awful how mean they end up bring when they have already broken your heart in two and all you are trying to do is let then know how much you love them.

[engraved2008]

Yup,just like babydoll2035 states ,chances are there was someone else in the picture...usually when things end like this,he is looking for greener pastures....so it makes sense that he did not contact you anymore.you are doing what u need in order to move on.The trip overseas plan sounds fantastic !!

[miss_sunshine]

Very true engraved, even though that hurts so much that after almost 12 years he can just move on to someone else. Makes me wonder what she might have had, that I didn't.

 

I just hope he regrets it one day and apologises for the way he treated me. A pipe dream i know but one I still hold on to in my heart that will happen. Not so we can get back together but so I can feel like what we had meant something to him, crazy I know! I just hope sometimes he misses me just a bit at least and understands the pain he put me through and how much he led me on and how cruel that is!

[larthur1]

You don't need him to justify what your relationship meant. It meant something to you and that's enough, if it didn't mean anything to him then its his loss. Pity the fool!

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks larthur, I just have to find a way to believe that it is his loss. I still find it hard not to wonder what it meant to him, in fact that thought is with me all the time. I know you are right though, that ut does not matter.

[chickadeedee]

>> Did I really mean that little to him? What they hell did he feel for me all that time, how long was he lying, was any of it real?

 

I think this kind of thinking really holds you back because it is based on a fundamental misconception about the world, that it is all or nothing or that things never change. Life is all about change and the world is constantly changing and people's feelings can and do change. So he may indeed have loved you at one time and the relationship was real if it lasted for 11 years, BUT something happened with him that caused his feelings to change.

 

Perhaps it was meeting another person, or perhaps he realized he wanted to do a lot of other things in life other than marry and settle down and have kids, and he knew that was what you wanted and your goals were no longer compatible so he let go.

 

And he may have done so quickly and completely because he had met someone new and wanted to move on quickly, or because he was a coward and didn't want the drama and recriminations and guilt that would be heaped on him if he stuck around and hashed it all out with you.

 

But your goal now is indeed to not waste too much time with these 'did he ever love me?' thoughts because they are not only a waste of time but are like sticking a knife in a wound and also don't align with reality. The reality is he must have loved you for a long time or he wouldn't have stuck around for 11 years, but then life is about change and something changed and he decided it was better to move on than to try to live in a relationship that wasn't working for him.

 

So you need to work on not thinking in such black and white terms, and learning to roll with change and accept that he had loved you, and you also really loved him, but life is about change and there are no guarantees. So you need to stop feeling 'cheated' out of something that was never guaranteed, and see that you have a whole long and bright future to do anything you want with it. And you WILL meet someone else if you don't yield to bitterness or unrealistic expectations.

 

And next time, don't wait 11 years without a proposal. That was another misconception, that he was bound to propose and settle down if only you waited long enough. If someone doesn't propose for 11 years, it is guaranteed that they don't want to marry you and probably never did or they've have done it sooner. So insist on getting what you want in the here and now rather than living on fantasies like he will marry you when clearly if he hadn't done it in 11 years he had no intention of doing it. Just look around at people who make successful marriages, and most of them who are adults and not really young do get married within 2-3 years if the relationship is a successful one with the goal of marriage.

 

So only date people who have that goal, and don't just listen to words if in their actions they are showing you they are moving no closer to actually achieving that goal.

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks chickadeedee, very true. I appreciate your post. I will definitely pick someone with the same goals as me from the outset this time. I was 19 and was not thinking about all that stuff when we met. Still I know, I should have left a long time ago if my needs were not getting met but unfortunately I put his needs above mine, a mistake I will not make again.