Did I make a big mistake?

[confusednewgf]

Hello, I am a first time poster so I hope I'm in the right area.

 

To give a bit of back story, my boyfriend and I have been together since October. We are very much in love with each other, and now are currently living together. He is a great guy, but extremely hard to communicate with when a problem arises.

 

On to my problem:

He works with a lot of very attractive female co-workers. 2 of which he seems to be friends with, exchanges messages with, and will often have after work drinks on Fridays. He will always text me and let me know if he does, which I very much appreciate. I don't usually consider myself the jealous type, or at least not the crazy obsessive girlfriend who won't allow her guy to have female friends. I have male friends of my own which are completely innocent relationships.

 

I've been feeling a bit weird towards those females recently for reasons I have no clue as to why. Out of nowhere I am suddenly very uncomfortable with him being around them. He's never given me any reason not to trust him, but I simply cannot help the way I feel right now. Today was especially rough, and when he came home on his lunch break he could tell something was off with me, though I was trying to hide it. I don't want to cause any type of confrontation. He tends to clam up anytime there is an issue and it becomes very hard to talk through things because he just stops saying anything.

 

He told me he was having some drinks after work (which is completely fine, I would never even consider telling him what to do), and immediately I became nervous. I decided to be honest and asked him if he was going to be drinking alone with only females. I approached the subject very calmly, no accusations, nothing of the sort. I'm the type of person that would rather talk things out calmly and rationally. He just sighed and did what I feared would happen. He clammed up. To be fair, he did say that he would be with other co-workers as well. I asked him what he was thinking, and all he said was that he couldn't wait for this day to be over. After that, his work mate came round as he normally accompanies my boyfriend on lunches, and we couldn't talk about it anymore.

 

I ended up sending him a text message apologizing for bringing it up, and that I hope he enjoys his drinks as he deserves to unwind a bit after a stressful day at work. No response was given, and he typically texts me a lot throughout his work day. I simply don't know what to do here, do I bring it up again to get some closure on the conversation or will that just upset him even further? I can't help but feel like I've made a big mistake and that this will end up driving him away, when all I wanted to do was be honest about how I felt. He's always told him to just be honest with him. But I felt like by doing as he asked, that this has just blown up in my face and will cause more problems.

 

What on earth do I do?

 

Thank you for reading.

[Mfic99]

If he can't openly communicate now, it will get worse. Secondly, why does he not include you? You should be invited if he's not hiding anything. And I wouldn't be with my wife if she was having drinks with the opposite sex.

[csdude55]

You guys have only been together since October, and are already living together. You've put yourself in a rough position: you're still getting to know one another, but have already added in the stress of living together, combining finances, etc.

 

I've only lived with one woman (excluding my mom, of course), and I know that the first year was by far the hardest. After the honeymoon period, there was a period of resentment, lack of trust (mainly about finances, but also about secret thoughts and feelings), dealing with other women flirting with me (and men flirting with her) that made me question my choice of companion. Then there were friends that wanted me to go out with them, but I had grown-up responsibilities, which also built resentment.

 

It sounds like you may be going through some of these growing pains right now. You're not 100% sure whether to trust him, and he's not 100% sure about how he would like to respond to these other women that are potentially interested in him.

 

There's a darn good chance that he has a flirty relationship with one or both of these women, but whether it means anything... that's questionable. I would bet that it really doesn't mean anything, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't entertain fantasies about it.

 

Secondly, why does he not include you? You should be invited if he's not hiding anything. And I wouldn't be with my wife if she was having drinks with the opposite sex.

 

I completely disagree with this. These are work friends, and it's bad etiquette, maybe even rude, to bring your GF to a work gathering. The group wants to unwind and talk about work things, they don't want to entertain spouses and SOs.

 

And I have plenty of female friends that I go out with on a regular basis, and its completely platonic. I would be a little concerned if my GF was unable to maintain a friendship with the opposite sex without it being romantic.

 

In this case, if you trust him then there shouldn't be a problem with him hanging out with female friends. But if you don't trust him, then your relationship already has bigger problems.

[csdude55]

Oh, to answer the last question:

 

What on earth do I do?

 

IMO, you shouldn't worry too much. If he's cheating or something like that, other problems will start to surface pretty quickly. And if he's not cheating but you start to act like you don't trust him, then that's going to create a wedge in the relationship.

[notalady]

If he can't openly communicate now, it will get worse. Secondly, why does he not include you? You should be invited if he's not hiding anything. And I wouldn't be with my wife if she was having drinks with the opposite sex.

 

Agree with the first point. If he clams up whenever you try to discuss something, how are you suppose to have a relationship. That seems to be his approach to any issues, just go quiet and hope it all blows over soon, that doesn't work. There's nothing you needed to apologise for, if you felt uncomfortable with him hanging out with these particular women, and it bothered you, you were right to calmly communicate that. I think you made a big mistake too, not for bringing this up, but for moving in together so soon when you are really at a very early stage of getting to know each other.

 

I disagree with the second point though. That sounds controlling. I have a lot of platonic male friends, either from school, uni or previous jobs, we go out for drinks to catch up sometimes, no getting wasted or anything just a couple of drinks, none of my current or ex bf's had a problem with that. I'll invite them if I feel like it but it's not an automatic invitation nor do I think it should be.

[HeartGoesOn]

IMO, in the short amount of time you've been together, you can't possible know him well enough to establish a fair level of trust. At this point, the only thing you can go on is your intuition, mainly because you have so little insight as to what you can compare this issue to.

 

May I ask why you chose to move in together so quickly?

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

There's nothing you needed to apologise for, if you felt uncomfortable with him hanging out with these particular women, and it bothered you, you were right to calmly communicate that.

 

I couldn't be in more agreement with this statement. Stop apologizing for having feelings and trying to communicate. As much as this site is here to help you, you have every right to help yourself with the man who is living with you, by asking questions he may not like. His habit of shutting down every time the conversation doesn't go his way is a form of control over you. He knows that if he does this, you'll back off, and when you apologize, it confirms to him he has complete control in this situation. Don't fear rocking the boat to a reasonable extent. If this relationship is going to work, you have a right to say what is on your mind, and if he doesn't like it, then it's time to decide what's going on with the two of you.

 

To be honest, I don't like it. He hangs with other women, he knows you are uncomfortable and afraid to risk the relationship, and I see absolutely nothing to indicate he gives you any assurance that you have little to worry about. Instead, he hangs with is friends and comes home to you when he's done. No cool. Not one bit.

[Mfic99]

U

 

Controlling? Uh no. Not at all. If she needs the effection and attention of other men, then i don't need to be with someone that does. As for your assertion your ex's never had a problem with it, you don't know that because they are your exes. If it was truly ok, you wouldn't have exes.

[notalady]

U

 

Controlling? Uh no. Not at all. If she needs the effection and attention of other men, then i don't need to be with someone that does. As for your assertion your ex's never had a problem with it, you don't know that because they are your exes. If it was truly ok, you wouldn't have exes.

 

Having friends and acquaintances from the opposite sex and having alcoholic beverages while you catch up with them = needing affection and attention from men? Lol.. Ok we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

 

I have ex's because we weren't compatible and mutually decide to break up, but thanks for your concern. Lucky for me, my current bf, like previous ones, don't care if I have friends of the opoosite sex nor what kind of beverage I have when I see them.

[confusednewgf]

Thank you all for your replies. Each one gave me quite a bit of insight from different viewpoints, which is what I was hoping for.

 

I had a good long think about this, and my theory is that due to being cheated on in past relationships, I'm finding total complete trust hard to come by. To be fair, his tendency to totally shut down in "difficult" conversations doesn't exactly help my feelings towards the subject. I do trust him, though with those women there's always that little niggling voice in my head that doesn't seem to want to shut up saying "what if, though?". Also, as I said before, I do have male friends of my own which are totally platonic. But, I would never go and have drinks with any of them by myself. Not because I feel like there's temptation, but rather as a courtesy or respect toward my significant other. I realise this is just my own belief system and that I shouldn't place it onto him, but I can't lie and say that I don't wish he was the same in that regard. I respect his friendships whether they're male or female, and have told him this. But it's only the women he drinks with. ARGH! This is all so frustrating. Why does this bother me so much? I just wish I knew of a way to get over feeling the way that I do. It's gutting me, and I know if not resolved it will place strain on our relationship.

 

Has anyone been through this type of thing? How did you deal with it, or did it end up ruining your relationship? I love him very much, and he says I'm the one for him, and has even asked me my opinions on marriage, and we've made plans to possibly start saving and eventually purchase a home together a few years down the road. Why can't this be enough to chill my mind out? I'm frustrated at myself for feeling this way. I wish I could stop it somehow. Apologies if this is a bit rambling, I'm just at a loss.

[bulletproof]

I do trust him, though with those women there's always that little niggling voice in my head that doesn't seem to want to shut up saying "what if, though?".

 

I respect his friendships whether they're male or female, and have told him this. But it's only the women he drinks with. ARGH! This is all so frustrating. Why does this bother me so much?

 

You don't trust him. If you trusted him, you wouldn't have the "niggling voice" or say that him having drinks with female coworkers bothers you.

You don't respect his female friendships, either.

So until you start trusting him, there's really no relationship. I would guess that you have to get to the root of why you don't trust him. Are there things about yourself that make you feel insecure?

I will agree with you that shutting down when you say how you feel is not a great communication style. So you both have things you need to work on.

[confusednewgf]

You don't trust him. If you trusted him, you wouldn't have the "niggling voice" or say that him having drinks with female coworkers bothers you.

You don't respect his female friendships, either.

So until you start trusting him, there's really no relationship. I would guess that you have to get to the root of why you don't trust him. Are there things about yourself that make you feel insecure?

I will agree with you that shutting down when you say how you feel is not a great communication style. So you both have things you need to work on.

 

Well, to be honest I was completely fine until one time I went out for drinks with him and some of his coworkers. We were all a bit drunk, and 2 of the girls were playing around jumping on top of each other and he says to them right in front of me, "Hey, where's my invitation?". I didn't say anything about it until the next day, because I didn't want to cause an issue in front of his work mates. I confronted him about it calmly, and said how I thought it was really inappropriate thing to say. He just laughed and said he was joking. Then clammed up like he does, and the conversation was over. I never did get to tell him how much it actually hurt me, and it's been with me ever since. I was totally fine with him drinking with female coworkers until that night. So now I just think, well if he's saying that right in front of his gf, what on earth could he be saying/doing when I'm not around? I don't know. I want to get past this feeling, because I do love him and we are great together in every other way. Do I just try to forget that happened and believe that it was truly a joke? Even so, I don't think I would joke about something like that, especially not right in front of my SO. I suppose I do have some things to work on.

[bulletproof]

Well, to be honest I was completely fine until one time I went out for drinks with him and some of his coworkers. We were all a bit drunk, and 2 of the girls were playing around jumping on top of each other and he says to them right in front of me, "Hey, where's my invitation?". I didn't say anything about it until the next day, because I didn't want to cause an issue in front of his work mates. I confronted him about it calmly, and said how I thought it was really inappropriate thing to say. He just laughed and said he was joking. Then clammed up like he does, and the conversation was over. I never did get to tell him how much it actually hurt me, and it's been with me ever since.

 

One incident didn't make you go from completely fine to completely non-trusting. That might be the catalyst in your view, but chances are there are lots of other things about the relationship in general and/or about you yourself that makes this a bigger issue.

 

If you don't view this as a "joke" and he does, then I would say there's a very basic incompatibility. Personally, what he said would not bother me from a relationship perspective; it would bother me because it's cheesy, obvious, immature, and sort of embarrassing for him, in my opinion. I probably wouldn't date someone who said things like that because I would like the humor to be a little more clever.

[confusednewgf]

One incident didn't make you go from completely fine to completely non-trusting. That might be the catalyst in your view, but chances are there are lots of other things about the relationship in general and/or about you yourself that makes this a bigger issue.

 

If you don't view this as a "joke" and he does, then I would say there's a very basic incompatibility. Personally, what he said would not bother me from a relationship perspective; it would bother me because it's cheesy, obvious, immature, and sort of embarrassing for him, in my opinion. I probably wouldn't date someone who said things like that because I would like the humor to be a little more clever.

 

Fair enough. Thank you so much for your input - you've given me much to think about. I appreciate it.