Irritating partner

[Mischa234]

You can ignore it all you want, but the fact is that what you've described here does sound abusive. Numerous people posting here seem to think so; but it seems that your denial is so deep at this point you just don't see it.

Your description of how he treats his child is nothing short of disgusting. Even if a guy was amazing to me, I'd still leave him if he treated a child, any child, that way.

There are no "coping strategies" in dealing with someone like this. The coping strategy is to get some help, improve your self-esteem, and leave.

 

No. There were ways he used to treat his child that were wrong, and that he doesn't anymore. Also there is very little here that he does which would genuinely be considered abuse. You strike me as someone who is not currently in a relationship or has had few relationships with men - enough not to know that men love to act childish/foolish and occasionally need boundaries put up. More than that, they are not as emotionally sensitive and cautious as many women and don't necessarily draw the same messages from certain behaviour that we so easily will. For example: a 25 yr old father might find it totally fine to tease his toddler daughter - he is young, he doesn't understand parenting from any other perspective. There are plenty of fathers who will get into pillow fights with their kids and push them down on the bed, but because my partner picks up a loaf of bread in the supermarket and they gently hit each other with them (while laughing), somehow this difference is the difference between a loving devoted father and an abusive monster? That is absurd, and I am sure few people would agree with you if they saw the nature of the behaviour. Now, just because I stepped in and laid down limitations does not make him abusive either. However, if I am uncomfortable with the extent of his behaviour and view it as inappropriate, I am within my rights to ask him to stop it but only because I am an authority figure within the relationship and also an eye witness to the behaviour.

 

As I have conceded, and am not attempting to normalise, he has displayed behaviours in the past which are questionable and could be considered abusive. However, his current actions do not indicate this, and that could have implications for how "abusive" certain past actions might have been or whether that was simply lighthearted play.

 

But don't worry, I know that your comments are intended as a personal attack and not as a thorough review of my situation, because yes I have dealt with you before and you will forever disagree in a thread and cannot drop your point. Further to that, as I have said, only I know my relationship and therefore no matter the amount of comments from people who, mind you, tend to follow whatever is the major line of thought (Hello: Holocaust), I still know best whether or not I feel abused.

 

And after conceding that i am surely embellishing certain aspects, very few people actually still hold the view he is abusive. The fact is, that if my partner is irritating me largely just for being aloof and immature and unintentionally, and this causes an argument between us, you will be very hard done by to prove that he is abusing me.

 

And I'm a sensitive girl, and also an adult, so I can definitely see that for myself Thanks for your "concern", but if you continue to insist that my partner, whom I adore and trust and know inside out, is abusing me or his daughter, I will need to report your comments for lack of sound judgement and malicious intent.

[bulletproof]

Thanks for your "concern", but if you continue to insist that my partner, whom I adore and trust and know inside out, is abusing me or his daughter, I will need to report your comments for lack of sound judgement and malicious intent.

 

I think you're misunderstanding the workings of an online forum. You've put out the facts of your situation. People then offer their support, insight, opinions, and advice. You can disagree with them and think they lack sound judgment, but that is purely your opinion. However, there is an option to hide the comments from certain posters. Perhaps that will help.

 

You said: "Mostly he doesn't treat his daughter like crap, although he used to (tease her lots, tell her he doesn't love/want her as a joke, hit her in the face with bread as a joke etc) but since I came into the picture we fought a lot about it and now he's mostly distracted/abset and I have started doing most of the parenting"

 

Sorry, but that doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement of his parenting.

 

And I have been in more relationships, short- and long- term, than I can count. Sometimes with men who started to behave like your bf. And that's when I got out. Here's hoping your counseling works and you can get out, too. What you are writing off as typical male behavior is not. It's typical abusive behavior, though.

[IAmFCA]

Look up compassion fatigue that will kill you over time.

 

Yes it will. Seen it.

[Capricorn3]

You actually have to ask him what he wants done in the house while he's at work? All of this sounds extremely controlling. He tells you what housework to do? And if it's not done he blows up at you? You don't find any of this in the least bit controlling/abusive?

 

Add to that:

 

 

 

Please read the above very carefully. You stay with him because at times "there can be a few days, up to as much as a week that goes by where you get on well together"? Really? I could never, ever imagine living with someone where we only get on well "a few days, up to a week". It boggles the mind. It is really very very difficult to understand WHY on earth you stay in this situation, especially as it is clearly quite obvious that you are very unhappy being with him. You get treated like crap but you insist on staying. This is hardly what anyone would call a proper relationship - at the very least it is very very toxic and dysfunctional.

 

Then add the other quoted parts into the mix ....

 

Nearly all the responses are saying more or less the same thing, but it seems you don't/won't leave him, no matter how toxic/dysfunctional the relationship is, so it's kinda hard to understand exactly what this thread is about. If you insist on staying in the "relationship", then there's not much anyone can do to help with all the many issues, other than to wish you luck.

[Unreasonable]

If the point of posting this was just to rant, then say so at the beginning. People are going to give their opinions, based off their own interpretations and judge the facts YOU give them. Reporting somebody that hasn't directly flamed you is not gonna happen, because nothing done here has violated the EULA , though you're free to ignore someone.

 

You said leaving is not an option, that you want about how YOU should change to make this guy's actions tolerable. That is not something people can give you. They can say what THEY'D do, and the consensus seems to be leave him. But tolerating the intolerable is not a "skill" most people have nor one most would want to have.

 

I hope your therapist can help, but I think advice from here has run it's course.

[overthemoon86]

First of all, I just feel sorry for you. This sounds like such a horrible situation and I think you know deep down inside that this "adult" man is not going to change. He just isn't. SAY THAT TO YOURSELF A MILLION TIMES until you BELIEVE it. He has no reason to change, he doesn't respect you or frankly care about you. He has no regard about the way you feel about things and you have no way of communicating to him for him to consider change. Period. You were even asking for non-verbal ways to make him change. Are you kidding me? Relationships are built on communication and trust. You have none of those. He has a convenient arrangement for you to clean his house. That's it.

 

And if you think you aren't in an abusive relationship, read your own post on another thread:

 

"I'm having frequent bad arguments with my boyfriend, they are turning physical and we are both getting really aggressive with each other. I'm constantly peeved with him and he takes me for granted and gets me to do stuff for him - but he won't work on himself and be a half-decent lover in return. I don't even want to have sex with him and this creates a big issue for us because we have incompatible sex drives and I feel guilty and confused about it. I don't feel that he is supportive about this issue either, in fact he could be kind of resentful towards me because the relationship is often bad between us."

 

I honestly fear for your safety. You have said a couple of times that you don't want to be alone. This is so much worse. Be an adult and leave.

[overthemoon86]

Just one more thing, you say this:

 

"Written down, it looks like he's very abusive, but for the most part he's just irresponsible. Abuse implies intention, irresponsible is just being absent-minded and not thinking through the consequences of his actions."

 

This just mind boggles me...abuse has nothing to do with "intention." Abusers will always say that did not "intentionally" hurt you. But if you honestly believe that he is not "intentionally" hurting you or controlling you to keep you exactly where you are, you are in so much denial. You clean his house, make him dinner, are a companion to him on dates, take care of his daughter, ect. Sounds like a pretty good arrangement to him and because he doesn't respect you, he is going to treat you however he pleases and he knows damn well that you won't leave. You are defending and making excuses for someone that does not care for you.

[bulletproof]

 

"I'm having frequent bad arguments with my boyfriend, they are turning physical and we are both getting really aggressive with each other. I'm constantly peeved with him and he takes me for granted and gets me to do stuff for him - but he won't work on himself and be a half-decent lover in return. I don't even want to have sex with him and this creates a big issue for us because we have incompatible sex drives and I feel guilty and confused about it. I don't feel that he is supportive about this issue either, in fact he could be kind of resentful towards me because the relationship is often bad between us."

 

I think she was writing this to paraphrase the original poster of that thread and make her realize how bad *her* relationship sounded.

 

Which is not without its irony.

[overthemoon86]

I think she was writing this to paraphrase the original poster of that thread and make her realize how bad *her* relationship sounded.

 

Which is not without its irony.

 

Ahhh wow, the irony, you would have thought she was talking about herself.

[Mischa234]

That post was me framing another person's issue - did you read my posts?

 

The problem with this site is that people are making assumptions and omitting important information, so unfortunately I need to ignore what is largely unhelpful "advice" (attempts at analysing my situation without considering all factors, and building on other peoples views rather than reading the actual facts given).

[Mischa234]

You actually have to ask him what he wants done in the house while he's at work? All of this sounds extremely controlling. He tells you what housework to do? And if it's not done he blows up at you? You don't find any of this in the least bit controlling/abusive?

 

Again. Did you read and consider the information or just pick something to make your argument sound reasonable? I am so frustrated with people's lack of independent thought that I would totally delete this thread if I knew how. Because rather than adults seriously discussing an issue, as for example would happen in a real life public forum, people are ignoring the facts that I have detailed and screaming at me what my situation is. I do not feel abused, he is not impinging on my rights, he is not putting me down or controlling me in any way except for occasional requests to do things a certain way because he's anal retentive (and nit-picking is not a form of abuse, please don't even try this route).

 

Just to clarify why this is irritating: I stated quite clearly that I chose to have open communication about what he wanted done in the house on a particular day. The reason being, the first few times he got annoyed that the house wasn't clean (a pile of laundry here, stack of dishes there... normal accumulated mess but nothing unreasonable), I snapped back . He wasn't annoyed at me as such, simply stating that he's frustrated with all the mess we accumulated because he wanted to keep his newly purchased home clean... and I said something along the lines of ok, then deal with the situation like an adult and find a solution rather than complaining.

And since then every time he has expressed frustration I simply ignore him and avoid doing anything around the house.. because I only respond to pleasant requests and not expressions of frustration, which I find childlike. And I have explained this to him. So if any of you find this abusive behaviour, it's more likely me that is being abusive than him..poor guy comes home from work and feels frustrated with his surroundings and I immediately shut him down, though I've been home for a few hours and could have cleaned it up but procrastinated instead.

Anyhow - what we agreed on was an open exchange. He texts me in the morning what he would like done for the day, I do it. That way he asks nicely, I plan for it and fit it into my schedule before he comes home (assuming I'm not out all day with appointments, or have to care for his daughter). Easy. His needs are stated, I am happy with how they are stated and happy to oblige.

 

If one more person turns around and tries to tell me that situation is abusive of him, I swear I will give up hope on humanity.

[Seraphim]

You can't delete the thread.

 

However, insulting mods probably won't be helpful.

[Mischa234]

You're totally right. I am just frustrated because I do not feel that the respondents are taking my words for what they are. Rather I feel they are trying to find some hidden meaning and diagnosis behind them, despite my constant reassurance that I am not being controlled and abused and stick up for myself in my relationship.

 

I'm in a relationship that is very bonded, I have a blended family including his child and her mother who largely relies on me for coordinating visits, I do not feel taken advantage of or controlled, pushed, bullied etc. I stand my ground on my beliefs and I generally get my way. I just find him irritating because he's a guy and a lot of guys are selfish and fear confrontation and "big talks".

[Seraphim]

You can ask for the thread to be closed if you don't want to discuss this anymore. It is better than lashing out.

[Mischa234]

To be honest, after sitting on it for a few weeks, I really think I'm not so much irritated with him in terms of his actions and habits, but because I don't feel appreciated for all the hard work and thoughtfulness that I put in lately. Like everything that I juggle, much of which he hasn't actually asked for (I naturally take responsibility), I wish he just showed me more affection/attention/encouragement for it but he's so self-absorbed a lot of the time that he doesn't notice much and so I snap at him and get irritated easily over petty things which are mostly just him being a quiet, introverted, slightly self-absorbed male.

[Mischa234]

You can ask for the thread to be closed if you don't want to discuss this anymore. It is better than lashing out.

 

 

Cool. How do I do that?

[Seraphim]

PM any of the mods and they will close it for you. Here is the list.

[Mischa234]

I was listening to some music the other day, and one of the songs brought me back to this thread. It's a song from the musical "Book of Mormon" called "Turn it off". Some of the messages in it are universal and pretty poignant. The message of this song is really about compartmentalizing your problems. Please listen to this.

 

]

 

Didn't resonate with me. Is it the part about a mother being scared and abused that reminded you of this thread? Because that's just great.

 

Just for all to know, I am not scared of my partner. If anything, he is scared of me.

[Unreasonable]

Nope. It's about your seeming desire to take everything "irritating" (I won't say the "a" word since that seems to be offensive to you) about your partner, very LEGITIMATELY "irritating" things about your partner, and trying to find ways to modify your thinking to make them not "irritating" (i.e. "Turn it off"). Wrong solution to the wrong problem, although you seem to be starting to at least dim the lightswitch very well already. I can point out specific examples of this if need be.

[bulletproof]

 

Just for all to know, I am not scared of my partner. If anything, he is scared of me.

 

Then why would you say this: "wouldn't be anxious about what kind of mood he'll come home in."

 

A healthy relationship doesn't include this anxiety. But even if what you say is true, that he's afraid of you, then the advice to leave him still stands because neither partner should be "afraid" of the other, period.

 

What agenda do you think a bunch of strangers, unrelated to you or each other, have in wanting you to leave your bf?

And what advice do your real-life friends give to you about this?

[Unreasonable]

What agenda do you think a bunch of strangers, unrelated to you or each other, have in wanting you to leave your bf?

I'd also like to add that in many cases here, the default answer to relationship problems, is not to just leave. Very often, couples counselling is suggested as a last resort.

 

But that isn't gonna happen. Why?

 

Because He's not very self aware but refuses to discuss mistakes and be open to resolutions, instead blaming the mismatch of personalities for his inability to negotiate outcomes that suit both of you. It seems in his mind it's often his way or the highway, and if you don't like it means you're incompatible. There's no negotiation or consideration of how you might feel, and although I know he doesn't intentionally hurt you, he doesn't feel responsible for making the relationship work (he believes it should just work, no effort required - 2.5 years in...).

 

These are your words. Practically verbatim.

 

YOUR boyfriend is telling you, that if you don't like it, leave. He isn't going to change and he doesn't even want to. And all the therapy for yourself, while commendable, isn't going to make him want to change.

 

I can tell you, that when I was younger, I was very good at "turning it off." It's pretty easy, and you can do it too, if you want. Problem is, it damn near killed me before I realized how unhealthy it was. I was literally catatonic in a hospital for two weeks. This is something that only my closest family members know about, so I'm not saying this lightly. I truly, sincerely, do not want this to happen to you.

[Mischa234]

Then why would you say this: "wouldn't be anxious about what kind of mood he'll come home in."

 

A healthy relationship doesn't include this anxiety. But even if what you say is true, that he's afraid of you, then the advice to leave him still stands because neither partner should be "afraid" of the other, period.

 

What agenda do you think a bunch of strangers, unrelated to you or each other, have in wanting you to leave your bf?

And what advice do your real-life friends give to you about this?

 

He revealed he's been intentionally distant towards me for some time because I refused to sign a binding financial agreement "prenup" when he sprung it on me a while ago during a particularly bad argument. And he's felt really insecure since then.

 

I still don't consider this abusive behaviour. He has had mixed feelings about the relationship and been very introverted and quiet about it - it all makes sense to me now and to be honest, unless I left the relationship completely, I'd probably have reacted a similar way to him if I were in his shoes.

 

What agenda do I think you have? Straining to prove a point rather than to keep an open mind. If an OP says a situation is not abusive, and the details given about their situation are devoid of explicit abuse, I do not think you are right to continue to try to prove your point. Ultimately, you can never know the full story - both sides of the story - and what is important to one person (such as my partner) might not occur to me as a realistic concern.

 

We have recently resolved our financial disagreements and things are actually going great right now. Still not feeling abused/wronged/bullied. Definitely felt unappreciated and neglected, but not in any intentional abusive sense. In the end, I got my way... no financial agreement... and I had to work hard to get the issue to the surface where it could be cleared up. He was feeling insecure.

 

My real life friends, family and "in laws"... those who know him well generally just tell me to keep working through the issues, because we both have had a hard run but are lucky to have each other in a lot of ways, and we have a really beautiful blended family environment. One of my friends b*tched me out on NYE for fighting with him in front of her (it was a minor disagreement, no raised voices)... she never liked him but she was the only friend of mine who didn't (but also the only friend I told when the arguments once or twice got physical), and I ended up dumping her rather than him because she has a habit of sleeping with people's exes. So I don't trust her opinion. Other than her, nobody has really suggested I leave him or that he is abusive.

[Seraphim]

You know if disagreements get physical it's time to leave.

[mhowe]

Oh...she is in such deep denial and dysfunction that the only way for this to end is him throwing her out. She won't leave. She will just retreat into silence and passive aggressive behavior.

[Mischa234]

I see a lot of advice in a lot of threads encouraging leaving. I like to go against the grain with that because I strongly believe most relationship issues can be resolved.

 

Yeah, my partner is a bit of a self-absorbed tosser at times. He is stubborn, as am I, and not good at handling conflict. Whereas I tend to grab the bull by the horns and negotiate issues through to their completion, he is avoidant and tends to shut down and emotionally slink into the shadows. This isn't necessarily a bad thing... I surely would not mix too well with someone as confrontational as me.

 

Our relationship has been difficult at times... different expectations, baggage on both sides, two young people trying to coparent an energetic and challenging child, add in there financial disagreements and difficult "in laws" and it's a really fun circus of a relationship. It's hard for most people to comment because very few people have been where we are... hence why I turn to the internet because I don't want to overburden people I know in person.

 

But I still, despite what any of you are saying, feel that I know my partner best and I know whether or not I feel abused or bullied by him. I understand him on another level, and when he is not great with words I can find the words to speak for him. He is not a bully.