Desperately need help.

[msgirl]

I'm hoping I can get some help here. So here it goes.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years now. And for the most part our relationship is pretty good. The worst part is our sexual relationship. My sex drive has been bad for about a year now if not a little bit longer. and I'm only 28. My b/f is 29 and very sexual. As I used to be. We rarely have sex, maybe 3 times a months if that. It seems I've lost interest in it for some reason. Now I do enjoy it sometimes. But sometimes I just do it to make him happy. I cannot figure out why my sex drive has petered out. I've never had this problem before. And I've been in longer relationships. He gets so mad a lot because I haven't afford sex or even a blow job or a hand job. We get into an argument every week about it. He thinks I don't care about him, that I don't care how he feels, and that I find him repulsive, or that I'm sleeping with someone else. (which is not the case, I love him dearly)

Sex is just something I don't think about. Which when I tell him that, he doesn't like it. I've tried to figure out what has happened and the only thing I can think of is that its a combination of things. 1. I suffer from depression, and I do take medication for it daily. 2. I've been through 4 surgeries in a years time.

He says he understands all of this, but yet he still gets upset. Not to mention the weight gain that came from being pretty immobile for a while. He always asks me "What can we do to fix this?" and I have no answer. This has never happened to me, so I don't what to tell him. Most of the time my energy is low, which I know is due to my weight gain. And I plan on trying to fix that this year. But to add another note my memory is bad to. If I tell him in the morning that I will take care of him that afternoon, I've forgotten by that afternoon. And I feel horrible. And he doesn't say anything until a couple days have gone by, and hes pissed off again. Says he shouldn't have to beg for sex or sexual attention.

 

 

Sorry for the long post, But I'm afraid my relationship is going to be at an end soon because of all of this.

[SpottiOtti]

Well, it strikes me that there are a few things you could do in order to at least show him you are taking action to solve the problem.

 

1. Talk to your psychiatrist about your antidepressant and ask him/her if there is a different med you can try or something else you can do in order to increase your sex drive. Tell them about the memory loss too; that could be another side effect.

 

2. Start exercising and working to get off the weight that is making you tired and sluggish.

 

3. Write yourself notes or set an alarm on your phone to remind you to take care of him if you tell him you will.

 

4. Make sure you are getting enough sleep and are managing your stress level.

 

Important that you communicate to him your desire to fix this and show him your willingness to take action to fix it. He said "what can WE do to fix this"; that is huge and shows that he views you as a team and has your back. But you have to DO something to show him you are making this a priority.

[CraigHowes]

Yea i think your body has gone into auto pilot from the surgery and the depression. I agree with what the above poster has said.

 

If your surgery allows it i would start exercising even if it's light stuff it will ramp up your body. I get your boyfriends frustrations but the constant pressure and accusatory nature will only compound the issue further i.e. why don't you give me blow jobs etc.

 

Just tell him the truth that you really love him and your going to go to the docs and maybe he could get involved in the exercise with you. It will have added benefit to both of you.

 

Stay as a team it's what relationships are all about.

[Willywagtail]

Sounds to me like you've lost motivation generally, and this may be due to the meds.

 

Speak to your doctor, there are many types of anti-depressants and not all have to reduce the sex drive. I'd also suggest you speak to your doctor and get your hormones checked, as there could be an imbalance.

 

It's really important that your BF understands you're prepared to get to the bottom of what's causing your reduced libido. I do think you need to have a talk, tell him what you're going to do and ask him to back off the arguments or the sexual advances until you feel more comfortable.

 

Unfortunately what a lot of men don't understand, is that putting pressure on their partners for sex reduces their chances of getting it!

 

Having said that, try and surprise him with a BJ or a hand job every so often even if you can't raise the desire for sex. It will really help him feel more connected to you, he'll feel like you're making an effort and he won't feel so rejected.

 

Don't underestimate the importance of sex to a man in a relationship.

[Beyourself13]

I agree with the above but I also think he needs to be a little more sensitive towards you. No partner should ever take another partner for granted, but it happens all the time. Imagine if he was without a partner. What would he do then? He can't demand sex. He can a) ask you for a cuddle and kiss or whatever he may like and do so lovingly and with the desire to please you too. b) He could research depression and medication side effects and have a bit more compassion. c) He could just act with less self interest and more interest in collaboration. Understandably if you are forgetting to do stuff that would be upsetting for the other person. If you are depressed, that is a big deal. Medication does not unveil the underlying causes. Medication is not going to solve what is really going on underneath your depression. Are you getting some proper therapy to help you understand yourself and become more self aware about what is going on now or what has gone on in the past to create this depression? Depression is a BIG sign that something is very out of whack in your life on a deep emotional level. It is usually a way of saying to the mind and body 'I am very angry or sad about something that has happened to me but I don't know how to deal with it'. So the body goes into a depression. I'd suggest going to get some counselling if you are not already and really digging deeper. There is so much help out there and medication is but one tiny weeny aspect and a bandaid approach at that. Good luck!