Here's One For The Books!

[alphonsefa]

I just lived a lifetime soap opera in the span of 4 months. Now I know that some may brush off 4 months as not being much time to really establish a serious relationship, but in this case things got very close very quickly. A little background about her and how we met:

 

Out of the blue I had a girl I used to go to school with recognize my ad on the Yahoo personals. It would be an understatement to say that we grew very close very quickly! Started out talking on the phone for 2 to 3 hours a night for the first 2 weeks, before we ever met. It turned out that she had just left a 6 year abusive relationship. Bad enough that he hit her and threw her around a couple of times, but the mental abuse was even worse! A few highlights, or shall I say low lights of their relationship: 2 abortions, the abuser suing her two brothers after they beat him up after learning of the physical abuse, he made a list of the ex-boyfriends she had sex with from past relationships and sent copies to each ex-boyfriend, pushed his way into her Mom's house and trashed the place, ect... The most perplexing thing of all of this is that they continually kept getting back together with each other, so I know it's as much her fault as it was his. Not to say she has any blame for the initial abuse, but still stunned as to why she keeps going back. One other nugget of info, she's a drop dead gorgeous, 38 year old woman, and he's a very overweight, un-attractive 41 year old guy. Safe to say, he couldn't find another girl like her in a million years; and he still treated her like dirt.

 

So 2 months into this relationship, things were going phenomenal in all aspects of the relationship! I'm loving life because I was fortunate to meet someone I knew in high school, that by all appearances was beautiful, intelligent, had a good job, and who's personality just clicked with mine from the start. One Saturday morning we were discussing the possible financing of a new house and 3 hours later, she's an emotional mess who doesn't resemble the person I knew at all. To cut to the chase, 2 days later she tells me she wants out of the relationship. She was going back to the abuser! Seems she had to try one more time with him for every dream her and I planned on. Talk about being used! I was angry, disappointed, hurt, and confused. I had a couple 10 minute conversations with her and sent her a couple of emails. I never at any time asked her to come back or pleaded in any way. The only points I stressed were what a disaster this guy's been to her for 6 years and that she was about to lose every dream she had by letting him screw her life up once and for all. Her response was basically cold, heartless, unfeeling, and dismissive. So I threw up my my hands and walked away from it.

 

Two weeks later there is a crying, absolute hysterical, phone message left on my machine saying, "everything you said that would happen is happening, you were right, I just wanted you to know that you were right". After two short dates with the ex he started up with the mental abuse and she broke down suddenly realizing the gravity of everything she did, and how horrible she treated me. Maybe a mistake, but I tried calling her back and got no answer, she had turned off the answering machine and let the phone ring. As much as I was disgusted with her and happy that everything blew up in her face, the exteme sounding message on my machine had me worried for her safety. Yes I thought he may of beat her again; and if he did she wouldn't call to tell anyone about it. So I take a ride to her house to check on her. Physically she is okay, but I still had a few things on my mind and I rip into her about how bad she treated me, how this guy is going to destroy her if he hasn't already, and what a mistake she made not giving our relationship enough time.

 

Lo an behold, the next night there's a thank you message left on my machine. My biggest mistake, returning the call! We get back together (yup I was the rebound guy) and now things are full bore ahead. We set time frames and discuss details on getting married, buying a house together, and having a baby. Everything seems to clear sailing for 3 weeks, and then boom, that mean, cold hearted woman, that I first met during the first breakup rears her ugly head. Suddenly she has a comment and criticism about everything I or anyone else around her does. Extreme mood shifts that seem to occour hour to hour! We spend a wonderful Christmas together, couldn't of went any better until late that night when it all fell apart. During the first breakup, after she dumped me, I told her during one of our phone calls that before all of this garbage went down, I was planning on proposing to her on Christmas or New Year's Eve. At the time I told her she brushed it off like it was nothing. But later that Christmas night, she breaks down in tears. When I ask why the tears, she tells me that, "she thought I was going to propose to her", and that she thought I didn't want her anymore because of what had happened with the ex-boyfriend. I assured her, that the 2 things I wanted most in the world were to marry her and have a baby with her. I assured her that not getting the proposal that night meant nothing, that I had other plans in the works, and I did!

 

Next day starts off and she's very affectionate. Curls up on me and tells me that she loves me, so everything seemed to be okay. A couple hours pass and here comes that mean and nasty personality again. Having had enough of the attitude from her, I start to give it back to her. Nothing nasty mind you, just a rebuke of her attitude when she gets in these nasty moods and I leave. I leave a message for her that night, and no response. Call her at work the next day, says she can't talk and will call me back, but never does. Call her at home the next afternoon, and out it comes. "I want to be alone"! Blames it all on herself and her mood swings, yes this is a girl who is on depression medication. Being totally stunned and stung once again, I'm speechless and don't say the things I want to say. So like the last breakup I send the proverbial two emails. Neither email asks her to come back. The email was to inform her that the propsal she was so upset about not getting was scheduled to happen on Valentine's day and the other email was a let me get it off my chest email. Though the second email wasn't nasty, it was brutally honest and I stand by everything I wrote. No respone to either email. I let a week pass and pick up the phone. I don't want to ask her back, I just want to know how you go from tears and planning a life with someone, to not wanting to see them anymore. She picks up the phone and again is cold and heartless. You would've never known I was the guy she was planning a life with a few days back! She doesn't want to talk at all, I can't even get the question in before she hangs up. Call me a glutton for punishment, but given how close we were and the plans we had, I thought I was owed and honest explination.

 

Disgusted by the whole experience I take the dog for a walk. When I return, there is a long message left on my machine. Not a nasty message, just a list of reasons on why she wanted out. They were: 1)She doesn't like herself when she is with me. She feels guilty acting nasty at times when she is with me because I don't act like that with her; 2) She siad, "It just wasn't there at the end" and that she fell for the things we talked about faster than she fell for me 3) That she could never be the person I wanted her to be and it was causing her more stress. I never asked her to be anyone but herself, but I would call her on things when she was rude; 4) That I never really knew the real her (inferring that these mood swings is who she is; 4) That she wants me to find someone else.

 

Now every fibre of my brain says, run away, and run away fast! Yet I'm sick. I saw everything that could've and should've been get tossed away. Now like so many I sit on that seesaw of emotions. What went wrong so fast. How do you break down in tears because you expected a proposal and than cast someone off as though they had no meaning in your life?

 

I'm a realist and know that things were going to have to change with her even if we stayed together. The mood swing were becoming extreme and worse yet, they were over minor things. The hardest part is that I saw her during some really great and happy times, and this person I've seen these 2 times seems like a stranger. Yet this was the same stranger that days later called me with that hysterical message and then called me the next night asking if and how she could patch things up. So when she tells me the things on the message, are they to be believed or is this just how she feels for this 2 or 3 week period?

 

I know you can't make someone come back to you, and I've never tried with her, she came back on her own accord. Now I'm sick and know the only ting I can do is let her go. The last contact we had was 5 days ago when she left her message. I know any contact from here on out from me will have the opposite effect. The only odd thing is that she owes me a small amount of money that she has promised to have to me by the middle of February. Beyond the No Contact rule, I'm at a loss on how to play this one. If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate the input. Sorry for the length of this message, but it actually feels a little better just typing it out for others to see.

[melrich]

Well this is the second time I've posted this link today,

 

link removed

 

This may give you some understanding of what she has been through. There is a further link at the end of this article for family and friends of people who have been through this type of abuse.

 

People who have been in these kind of relationships do not come out the other side with a whole lot of rationality. You need to get a better understanding of what she has been through. There is no way she is ready for another relationship. Her self esteem is at rock bottom and she needs professional help to restore herself to who she as before she met her ex.

[Everwonder]

My advice to you is to move on, this woman clearly has a split personality and she may e carrying a lot of hurt from her past relationship with her, you should suggest that she get some professional help and then take it from there, four months is a very short time for you to even consider marriage, you're lucky that you've seen these mood swings now and not after you've commited to this person.

 

Some people never fully heal from an abusive relationship, they eventually begin to believe that all relationships are to be abusive, she is probably not used to being loved and cared for and shown love, and thereforeeee does not appreciate or see the love that you're showing her. The only way that you can help her is to suggest counceling, and once she's healed and knows how to handel the pain she is feeling, then you can work on your relationship with her, without the councelling, there is no chance that she will ever be secure in any relationship, unless it's an abusive one..

[Mix Maxster]

Richgabe is giving you some good advice man... check that stuff out

[Mun]

I don't think this will come as a surprise to you. Your lady is not well. She needs some serious help to move past the abusive relationship and get herself together before she can ever have a healthy one. This is not something you did or didn't do...she is caught in a deadly trap and until she is ready to get out there-there is nothing anyone can do for her.

 

I know ...I was there.

 

The best thing for yourself is to move on and get away from her as soon as you can. If you stay around her for long, this will take its toll on you too my friend and you will be damaged. You sound like a man with a good head on your shoulders and a good heart...and you will find better.