Husbands and Lap dances

[Batya33]

That can happen with any issue in a marriage pertaining to boundaries. If one partner suddenly changes their mind and wants to re-negotiate boundaries, then that is one thing. The other partner will either agree, or disagree and the marriage may or may not survive. The important thing is communication. If a partner decided they wanted to change the boundaries without telling the other, then it is violating the previous agreed upon boundaries and is therefore cheating.

 

Either way, regardless of the issue if a partner suddenly changes their mind about what they find acceptable or not, then I think there are bigger problems with communication.

 

I don't agree. I think sexual monogamy is a cornerstone of marriage so it is distinct from other types of boundary issues. The default in marriage vows is fidelity- sexual monogamy. So if someone wants to change that you have to have a specific discussion about it. Other boundary issues are far more fluid and up for grabs. Certainly if the couple feels ok with one or both having sexual contact outside the marriage more power to them but it's cheating if one doesn't agree in the way that other activities don't have to be discussed in that way at the risk of breaking marriage vows.

[Meli33]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have confronted my husband about this last night. This morning i sent him a text outlining my feelings on his lap dance.. this is what i wrote him..

 

'I need to get a couple of things off my chest.

My take on lap dances:

To me, lap dances are considered along the lines of cheating. It's a sexual act.... you are receiving one to excite/arouse you, therefore it's a sexual act. I know in some marriages, this is a deal breaker.

Once again, u have betrayed me. For you to think it's ok for a married man to receive a sexual act from another women is beyond me considering you have betrayed by heart and trust before. For me to forgive you again, what does this make of me?? Weak.. a doormat... thinking i will keep forgiving you over and over again? NO.. i will never ever forgive you again. My heart does not deserve to be treated like this. I deserve someone who is going to protect my heart from ever being broken.

You need to read the email i sent you.

Im not sure if im more broken about the lap dance or the fact you lied to my face and broke my trust YET again... '

 

Thanks everyone

[faraday]

You broke up with your husband in text? You guys need to sit down face to face and talk.

 

 

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[Meli33]

You broke up with your husband in text? You guys need to sit down face to face and talk.

 

 

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Goodness no.... i didn't break up with him... that was just how i was feeling and thinking.... we have talked this morning...

[faraday]

"I will never forgive you again" is...kind of a break up.

 

When you make fake boundaries with people, they don't take you seriously. I mean, he knows he can have emotional affairs...and you'll take him back...so he can also get lap dances...and why wouldn't you forgive him? I mean really...nothing is changing here. He's going to keep doing this over and over. He doesn't respect you enough to stop.

 

 

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[faraday]

If this was his only f up, I would say, yeah, this can be different if he shows remorse...but your husband has done this before. Stop redrawing the line in the sand...your lines are meaningless now.

 

 

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[bulletproof]

Absolutely, positively, not an issue you send a text about. Why was this communicated via text? What's even worse is that it's a text directing him to read an email.

Come on! Talk to people face to face.

[csdude55]

I'm in no real position to talk about infidelity; I shouldn't talk about the speck in his eye, because I have a log in my own eye the size of a forest. But I do have feedback that I hope helps.

 

1. Generally speaking, I don't see how in the world a lap dance could be considered cheating, unless it becomes an ongoing thing. It's basically just advanced porn, and he gets to experience a sexual fantasy. Now, if he confuses the fantasy with reality and starts thinking he has feelings for the stripper, you might have a problem.

 

The first 10 years or so with my girlfriend were pretty happy, and at the time I went to a few strip clubs with friends. I had lap dances and private dances, had fun, then went home and didn't give them a second thought. Of course, I told the GF all about it, in vivid detail, and we laughed about the absurdity of it all... no one cared enough to think it needed to be a secret.

 

2. But!!! If you told him in advance that you didn't want him doing it, and he did anyway, then there's a betrayal of confidence. That's the problem, not the lap dance.

[Unreasonable]

It's basically just advanced porn

Or legal prostitution without the penetration.

[Batya33]

Well, no, it's sexual contact in person, not just watching someone on a screen.

[abitbroken]

I agree - breaking up by text is wrong. And it blindsides a person. If you are someone who needs to get thoughts out in a "dear John" letter and feel you are too weak or will cave in person, then a handwritten letter is totally different than a text - which can be received while driving or another precarious situation. I think that you also need to think about what you are going to do. Is he going to sweettalk you and agree to stop? Or do you have your bags packed, or are you asking him to go sleep on his parent's sofa? When you write something like this, you have to decide what your action is going to be. He very well might not leave and might act like nothing happened. So -- are you going to file for divorce? Are you going to ask him to go sleep elsewhere? or are you leaving the house for awhile?