CONFIDENCE : Showing vs Having

[Dougie_D]

Most people will say "you need to have confidence" and I've always said that "I do!"

 

I agree that in certain situations I may feel uncomfortable and may feel less confidence...

 

BUT -- is there is a difference between actually always having confidence and just SHOWING confidence?

 

Maybe this is why I have trouble. I am confident internally but my physical actions might show something different.

 

What are the things that give off to people that this person is a confident person?

 

Is it more how we interact through conversational matters? I have a hard time telling stories because my mind is always going off and I can't remember every single detail...so sometimes I can confuse someone..but that doesn't mean I never had confidence trying to tell my story.

[Batya33]

I think showing confidence is about body language and voice tone/quality and about telling yourself in advance that what you are trying to do is no biggie in however that works (I used to tell myself even though I didn't feel it that "you are graceful and going to a tea party". I felt klutzy and have been to very few tea parties, but that helped me on the hundreds of first dates and first meets I went on when I was single.

 

If you want to tell a story rehearse it in advance and be ready for the other person to ask you questions. You can learn to control your mind getting distracted by, for example, continuing to make eye contact with the listener. If the other person seems confused apologize and try again if the story is important to you or change the topic.

[Dougie_D]

I think showing confidence is about body language and voice tone/quality and about telling yourself in advance that what you are trying to do is no biggie in however that works (I used to tell myself even though I didn't feel it that "you are graceful and going to a tea party". I felt klutzy and have been to very few tea parties, but that helped me on the hundreds of first dates and first meets I went on when I was single.

 

If you want to tell a story rehearse it in advance and be ready for the other person to ask you questions. You can learn to control your mind getting distracted by, for example, continuing to make eye contact with the listener. If the other person seems confused apologize and try again if the story is important to you or change the topic.

 

Can you explain more in detail about the "body language"? Like am I not walking right? And what about voice tone/quality? . I naturally talk louder and I have a bit of slur in some areas because of my hearing disability I was born with.

[Batya33]

Do your research on how a person should carry himself with confidence and what kind of body language is appropriate during conversation. If your disability affects your voice you might want to share that with someone you are talking to so that they will not take offense or find the interaction strange.

[epsilon2x]

Can you explain more in detail about the "body language"?

 

Watch some James Bond movies and do what he does. I say this half jokingly, the other half... well it's a starting point.

[Sportster2005]

Most people will say "you need to have confidence" and I've always said that "I do!"

 

I agree that in certain situations I may feel uncomfortable and may feel less confidence...

 

BUT -- is there is a difference between actually always having confidence and just SHOWING confidence?

 

Maybe this is why I have trouble. I am confident internally but my physical actions might show something different.

 

What are the things that give off to people that this person is a confident person?

 

Is it more how we interact through conversational matters? I have a hard time telling stories because my mind is always going off and I can't remember every single detail...so sometimes I can confuse someone..but that doesn't mean I never had confidence trying to tell my story.

 

If you are confident you don't care about showing it or projecting it. It will just come through. The next time you are in a social setting pay attention to the leaders. You should be able to spot the people who are trying too hard and the ones that are comfortable in themselves and usually have more influence and charm than the people struggling with confidence.

[abitbroken]

Don't study how you can LOOK like you have confidence. Just get your act together and when you feel good it shows. Its not about trying to learn to walk a certain way or have certain vocal inflections. Being at peace inside really shows on the outside. its not about a special technique.

 

If you confuse people trying to tell them a story, tell shorter stories. You don't need every single detail of a story to get the point accross about something that happened to you. Or talk to way more people for practice. Join Toastmasters. Practice the art of active listening.

[TheDMan05]

If you are confident you don't care about showing it or projecting it. It will just come through. The next time you are in a social setting pay attention to the leaders. You should be able to spot the people who are trying too hard and the ones that are comfortable in themselves and usually have more influence and charm than the people struggling with confidence.

 

Just because a person is confident, it doesn't necessarily mean they are charming as well.

[Batya33]

Just because a person is confident, it doesn't necessarily mean they are charming as well.

 

I find that people who are reasonably confident -comfortable in their own skin -are easier to be around and interact with whether or not they are "charming".

[bulletproof]

I am confident internally but my physical actions might show something different.

 

I don't know that I agree you're confident internally. You have written here many times before about what a failure you feel like, that your parents were very critical of you, that your hearing issues are make you feel different, etc. I think that if people in your life are saying you lack confidence, they might be on to something, and it's not just about how you present yourself.

[Dougie_D]

If you are confident you don't care about showing it or projecting it. It will just come through. The next time you are in a social setting pay attention to the leaders. You should be able to spot the people who are trying too hard and the ones that are comfortable in themselves and usually have more influence and charm than the people struggling with confidence.

 

You mentioned leaders. I'm more of a follower type, but I don't think that means I have no confidence. Do I really have to be the "leader" type?

[Dougie_D]

I don't know that I agree you're confident internally. You have written here many times before about what a failure you feel like, that your parents were very critical of you, that your hearing issues are make you feel different, etc. I think that if people in your life are saying you lack confidence, they might be on to something, and it's not just about how you present yourself.

 

I don't know one single person who is confident internally ALL THE TIME. Forums like this wouldn't exist if everyone was confident internally. Honestly, I feel like I have more confidence in most people because I'm able to express my emotions and not be embarrassed at certain times.

 

If someone tells me they are confident in jumping off a building and not getting hurt I will tell them they are a moron. Just because you are confident, it doesn't always have successful results.

 

Is it possible that if I don't actually say the negative things about myself or my situations, that maybe people would have never noticed? Or if I keep on telling them I don't want to do things? I can see why people would assume I have no confidence and they think I'm making an excuse, when in reality I really have no reason or feelings to do those things.

 

I can be a bitter person. I honestly hate doing things that involve any sort of physical pain to my body. Working out causes that and each time, I've never had it where I didn't hurt the next days.

 

Now...I am SCARED of HEIGHTS...

[Batya33]

I think you have a different definition of confident than I am applying. I don't think expressing one's emotions and not being embarrassed necessarily shows confidence -it can, and of course it is positive to be able to express emotions appropriately.

 

No one is internally confident all of the time. I would never define healthy self-confidence that way. To me being confident is being comfortable in your own skin in general with exceptions of course and believing in yourself -in your values/goals/ambitions/ethics.

 

As far as your specific example of working out I think part of working out can be physical soreness or discomfort depending on what you do. Often a good personal trainer can help decrease that result while still helping you get results. I happen to love when I feel a bit sore/uncomfortable -gives me a sense of accomplishment!

[bulletproof]

I don't know one single person who is confident internally ALL THE TIME.

 

Where in my post did I use the words "all the time"?

I can really only base my replies on what you've written on ENA about your life, and it seems that you don't feel that great about yourself in general.

I would agree that it's probably a good idea to refrain from speaking negatively about yourself and your situations. Most people want to be around more positive, upbeat people. It doesn't mean being delusional (as in your jumping off a building example). It just means seeing the good in things.

[John John]

Dougie, you have to do what I did in my late teens and early 20s...fake it until you make it. I hate to rely on cliches, but this really worked for me. As I saw myself getting more and more social results (with women and friends), I started to realize that I actually was confident after all.

 

You need to base your initial "faking it" on some accomplishment you're proud of. It can be anything really! For me, it was always being a straight-A student. Even though many people wouldn't necessarily be impressed by this, I based my formerly "fake" confidence on this, and built it up on other things from there.

[tiredofvampires]

Actually Dougie, confidence has come up so much in your threads, it's enough to drown a person in.

 

Confidence clearly isn't the issue, is it? If you believe you have confidence, but you still believe you have some problem, confidence shouldn't be the subject of your threads anymore. Juggling the words around like an acrobat isn't going to change this.

 

Your self-esteem is rock bottom. That's a little different thing than "confidence." It's how you FEEL about yourself deep inside, how worthy you feel. YOU DO NOT FEEL WORTHY, YOU HAVE EXPRESSED THIS. (And it so happens you can't be confident in a product that you believe is not worthy. And you certainly can't "show" what you don't feel deep down, either.)

 

Everything is pointless to talk about and nothing will get better until you see a therapist to address your self-esteem issues and the wounds related to them.