Anti-Social Butterfly?

[MissMelissa]

I’ve always valued quiet time, alone time, whether it was sitting in the tub until I was pruny, laying on my bed reading with the door closed, or running to Kroger for groceries. My ex-husband understood it, my kids and family got it. My boyfriend? He does not.

 

Example: My folks are getting a new TV delivered this afternoon, so they are lending me their big screen until I can buy one (just bought a new house, furnishing it is slow-going). I told my bf that my dad and I are going to carry it over to my house this evening, set up the stand and move the couch. He said, “I’ll come over and help …”

 

After having spent Friday evening and 12 hours Saturday with him, and Sunday evening with my folks, I was not looking for company tonight. The wind kept me up most of the night, and I have a pinched nerve in my neck that's making me cranky, so I'm not feeling exactly social. So I texted, Thank you. I need to move the couch and put the stand where I want it. Then help carry over the TV. Shouldn’t take too much effort. There won’t be much time for visiting. Dad will help me, and then go home.

 

His response, But I could frickin help. It’s cool.

 

I have explained countless times that it is NOT personal, that sometimes I just need to have quiet and peace, and not have someone talking to me or asking for things from me.

 

Am I the only one, really, who feels this way? Is it so uncommon, so odd, that I need a little bit of NOTHING sometimes, to recharge and refresh? Or that once in a while I want to go shopping by myself, without the chatter of my daughter, or my mom, or him? Or that I get tired of the constant text messages and phone calls and want to throw my cell accross the room?

[ParisPaulette]

You are not alone. I'm the same way and there are countless thousands of people who fall into that range of needing time alone to recharge as opposed to those who need time together with people to recharge. I was told by a friend once that that's the real difference between an introvert and an extrovert. The introvert needs to be alone to gain energy. The extrovert needs to be with people to gain energy. And it made sense to me, because when I'm with people I'm friendly, I like going out, I like interaction with others. But if I don't get my alone time I start to feel out of sorts and if I'm not able to take that alone time yes, I will start to even slide into a depression. It took me a long time to realize there isn't anything wrong with me outside of the fact I need time alone the way other people need food--it's not a luxury, it's a necessity of life.

 

And extroverts don't understand that, because for them that's their idea of hell. Time alone? Horrible, horrible, horrible. They need people to recharge and feel energized. And for them that's the necessity that's up there with food.

 

Maybe you could try explaining it that way to your boyfriend. When I started to do so with my extrovert friends they all got it and stopped pressuring me to come out when I needed time alone. Now we even joke about it with me going to see them after I've had my alone time to help them "recharge" by going out to a bar or restaurant with them. You need to just keep telling your boyfriend it isn't personal, but you have to have your alone time. Promise to do something fun when you're rested and feel energized and then keep that promise and you'll both feel happier with life and each other.

[MissMelissa]

I have talked, at length, with him about it to no avail. He feels that, bc we are talking about spending our life together, that I should "get used to" having him around all the time. I can't get him to understand that, even if we lived together, I would still require that downtime.

 

You're exactly right that it is a necessity for me! I enjoy being social and I'm outgoing and personable, but there comes a time when I can feel the need to be alone pressing on me. Three days of people and talking and noise, after a full work week - I am ready to collapse today.

 

Thank you VERY much for your kind words and understanding. It makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way. Now I just need to convince him that it's NOT personal, it's biological!

[catfeeder]

I'm with you, but why throw a phone when you can just leave it in your purse draped where you can't hear it?

 

The silence game also works well with kids--if mommy can't hear you make a single sound until X:00 then everybody gets (_fill in reward here_) to celebrate.

 

As for BF, you can negotiate the same way: if he'll give you the silent time that you want on XYZ night, then ask him what kind of reward he'd like from you in exchange for that?

 

Bribery gains you hero status rather than being viewed as a depriver.

 

Head high, and enjOy your 'me' time.

[Capricorn3]

Sounds like the classic introvert. I need my alone time too. I know a lot of people like that and don't see anything wrong with it. It's usually the extroverts who have a problem with it and don't understand how on earth anyone could wish to be alone, lol.

 

Not sure how you'll solve this issue with your boyfriend. All you can do is explain how it works and hope that he finally "gets it". Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

I am the same way as you. But even though I understand your perspective, communicating your need for alone time over text is not a good idea.

 

You have to be honest with each other and yourselves. Do you fulfill each other's needs? Because if not then maybe you are not right for each other and you may end up with another ex husband.