Tale of woe

[Maletoth]

Quite a while ago my ex dumped me (bit of a jealous fit), I agreed to be friends and which we were for a few months (5 or so). She used to tell me she was depressed (even told me she tried to commit suicide though I didn't believe it) and so on, she made it perfectly plane she wanted me back. I eventually decided to take her somewhere nice and get back together with her (I kind of decided it was better than being apart, not a good reason I know but I thought it would make her happy) and from that moment on she wouldn't see me, text me abuse for a month and a half. Then a couple of weeks ago she said she was with someone else and they want to spend all their time with her (I used to go round and see her or do something with her once a week as a friend but I know she wanted to see me more).

 

I went into melt down for a while, it was a long time we were together so to finally accept its all over has really hurt me. She keeps texting me and telling me she is happy with her new guy but confused. She isn't over me, she needs to get over me, all she wanted was me, she's happy with the things she has planned with her new guy. I still find it all pretty heart wrenching, I'm a bit mixed up. I never thought we were compatible on so many levels. She didn't like the things I do, didn't really do anything apart from watch TV, just used to follow me round we I took her places, didn't even understand the things I said and so on. Should I ignore her from now on, we have text allot over the last few weeks, she's made it pretty clear that she's staying with the new guy but I keep feeling the urge to speak to her. Sometimes I find the messages heart wrenching, the ones about how she happier with the new person or I have to move on, yet then others I end up hopeful because she says she misses me or doesn't want to throw all our time together away.

 

When this all started I wasn't even bothered, I thought I was only getting back with her for her sake but its really become painful for me. Its like as time has gone on I have become more desperate, telling her I love her and so on yet I am pretty sure I would have just been unhappy again a couple of months down the line. Am I just being an idiot and afraid of being alone and having someone so interested in me? I signed up to a dating site and seem to be in regular contact with a couple of girls so maybe that means I wont. I don't know if those things ever work out but getting drunk in a bar doesn't seem to. Can we be friends? Should we? Sometimes I think its all worked out, then sometimes I remember the good things we did and think there will be no more now. Sometimes it makes me feel bad that I'm not the one making her feel happy.

 

Well, sorry bit of a depressed out pouring, though to be fair I don't always feel bad as I mentioned. I'm normally quite a composed person so thought it would be better to vent here anonymously, if nothing else it should give some people a laugh at me being an idiot

[SooSad33]

YOU are not an idiot. We all feel pains due to 'loss'.

But, now yes, it's best you back off totally. You can't work at accepting, healing & moving on if you're still continuing to keep in contact etc. That all needs to stop.

 

I agree, right now you're 'missing her', but if you were to go back, good chance things wouldn't have changed any.

This is a part of those 'emotions', after a break up.

 

She may have gone to someone to feel less pain.. for now. That's a rebound. most likely if she's admitting she's still hurting as well, etc.

BEST thing to do after a BU is take some down time. Take a few months and deal with it all.

Get yourself back to good. Work on yourself and your healing. Do NOT run into another relationship.

 

It isn't nice that she has been pretty much rubbing it in yoru face that she's got someone new..

So, for your own sanity, stop all interactions now. None of it is necessary and you'll just keep feeling this way.

 

Time to start taking care of YOU. Yes, it all hurts, we understand, you're not alone...

 

One day at a time.

 

tc

[Maletoth]

Thanks for the reply. I will try, even today she sent me a message and I didn't know if it meant she was prepared to be more, its like I'm hanging on everything she says now.

[Maletoth]

Well, don't think I managed too well, she text me today. I replied, started talking about the past. By the end of it I was asking if it was me or her new guy she loved and can we talk about it. She said she might consider it after she's been with him a couple of months and so I said I wanted to know if I had any chance, if not tell me and I'll stop messaging you. She then started sending many messages that ended up saying goodbye, then after it all she then said she wondered what things would have ended up being like and she needs time to see what she wants, she didn't want to rush into anything. Now I am still none the wiser, I thought that the first part where she was saying bye meant it was all over, now she needs time? Is she just playing me? Leaving me as a back up in case this new guy doesn't work out? I just don't get why I am so bothered but it really is hurting me.

[SooSad33]

" Leaving me as a back up in case this new guy doesn't work out? "

- Yup, she's confused..

But, who is she with? Him.

 

Then stop interacting with her. Give her NOTHING of your time.life.

She chose to move on with him? Let her go.. her choice.

 

You back off and stop replying to her 'breadcrumbs'. Unless or until she ever admits she wants to work on trying again, give her nothing. How is she supposed to know what missing you is like if you're always around?

 

So go no contact and at least start working on YOU. Work on accepting things as they are now and work on healing.

There's never a guarantee she'll come back.. sadly.

 

If she ever changes her mind, she knows how to find you. Until then, move on.

I know how hard it is, but don't let her keep you on the backburner.. gain self respect.

 

gd luck

[okiedokiestomp]

I would tell her something along the lines of "Hey, I made a mistake thinking that being friends would be possible between us. Obviously, it isn't working out and I've found that I'm really not interested in anything less than what we had and since you are now with someone else I think it's best that we go our separate ways." basically you take your power back by moving on and leaving her to have the consequences of her decisions. I would never contact her, however, if she were to reach out to you and you want to keep the door open, I would keep it light and friendly (but not friends), and short, always leaving the conversation before she does with something like "it's been great catching up..keep in touch". But the key is that you have to move on and live your life, never initiate contact with her and you don't wait for her to make up her mind...date, discover new hobbies, passions, go for that promotion, work out, hang with friends and date when you are ready to.

 

You need to proceed as if she is gone for good...NEVER agree to friendship after a breakup, don't give someone the power to pick and choose the parts of you they wish to keep in their life. If you continue to press her, chase her, etc., it will only push her closer to him and further from you. The only thing you have control over is yourself and your ability to accept that it is over and move on.