How??

[DaisyHope]

How do you 'accept it and move on' when 1.you have no closure 2.the relationship simply was amazing 3.you have so much belief in 'us' and the realtionship.

I KNOW he chose to end it. I know he's 'moving on' and getting on with it but then he's controlling this.

help. Really bad weekend with this...still early days.

[DaisyHope]

Plus i feel like a complete mug that I believed everything he told me all this time and also that he must have had one foot out of our relationship for a while whilst I still thought everything was amazing....he couldn't have just changed his mind over night yet he gave me no warning and it makes me feel worse about this whole thing. That and the fact that even though he's apologised for hurting me he still did it didn't he. So how could he have loved me. I just want to accept this,get angry,move on but I just can't. This isn't rose tinted glasses. I just don't get it and I don't know how to deal with it when there wasn't anything wrong. How do I find closure and accept we don't and possibly never had the future he and I discussed. I just don't get it.

[trust101]

You have to make your own closure. Many couples discuss things about their future only to not have them pan out the way it was foreseen. You might think there was nothing wrong, & there might not have been, but there was something wrong with him. You don't know what he is thinking, how he felt, if he was unhappy/depressed through no fault of your own.

 

You have to just keep believing, that there is someone out there who won't second guess himself or the two of you & see through all the plans you make.

[DaisyHope]

The problem is he never even actually said 'it's over' either...i know I have to make my own closure but I'm struggling with how to do that when I still feel like I'm in a relationship with him. Not to mention miss him. I hate that I can't be angry at him or understand any of this. He doesn't care about me. So why is it I'm finding it so hard to except it's done. I feel almost bipolar. Fine one minute then utter depths another.

[Tanzi]

You will finally be able to "accept it and move on" when ....

 

1) you realise and accept that closure comes from within.

 

It's usual to have so many answers in the aftermath of a break-up but most of them are unanswerable. Your ex most likely doesn't know how, why or when exactly feelings changed, just that they did. You will find closure when you finally accept what is, without question.

 

2) you accept that the relationship wasn't as amazing as you thought it was or it wasn't as amazing for him as it was you. If it were it wouldn't have ended.

 

In what ways do you think he is still controlling things?

[Tanzi]

I don't know your story or how long you were together but you have no reason to feel like a mug. He could have really believed in how he felt and what he was saying at the time. You aren't a mug. You took a leap of faith ... there's nothing wrong with that. We wouldn't get anywhere if we didn't have faith. It doesn't mean you were wrong. It just didn't work out. If you want to find love, then you have to be prepared to take the pain too.

 

He wouldn't have changed his mind overnight, no. It would have been a gradual realisation that he, himself, may have struggled to come to terms with initially. A lot of times there isn't any warning - or at least ones that are clearly visible. I had no idea my ex-husband was about to walk out on me and our children. One minute we were (seemingly) bouncing along as normal and the next .... it was over .... in the blink of an eye. Maybe we are just so lost in our own little worlds we just aren't seeing the reality. My ex-husband was doing all the usual things like telling me he loved me, making future plans for holidays and renovating the house etc but when I was able to really look back and reflect on our marriage I guess the signs were there. I just wasn't seeing them.

 

There most likely wasn't anything "wrong" with your relationship, as such. The feelings were just strong enough on his part to make it last.

 

 

 

Feeling like this isn't unusual. Your heart is just taking it's time disconnecting itself from what was. I'm sure your ex does care about you. He just doesn't feel what he should be feeling to want to be in a relationship with you. I know all this sucks but time and space really does help. In time you will start to accept. You are still processing things.

[patterned]

I get it. You want to empathize. But there are so many angles, and thoughts. None of it matters. A-little-blue has it right, they don't really know either.

 

He doesn't have to have control. You can decide his half-assed approach is cowardly and not good enough for him to be in your life. That you deserve a specific sort of treatment, attention, appreciation, whatever. As long as he's not that then you don't want him. Cut him off and take it one day at a time. The sooner you let go the more calm and centered you'll feel.

[engraved2008]

I get it. You want to empathize. But there are so many angles, and thoughts. None of it matters. A-little-blue has it right, they don't really know either.

 

He doesn't have to have control. You can decide his half-assed approach is cowardly and not good enough for him to be in your life. That you deserve a specific sort of treatment, attention, appreciation, whatever. As long as he's not that then you don't want him. Cut him off and take it one day at a time. The sooner you let go the more calm and centered you'll feel.

DaisyHope,as you know I am going through the same thing.its like he is not the person I thought .And I wonder to ,why did he let me down and abandoned me when I needed him the most ? I pray for you my friend and yes hopefully time will heal .i still believe that if you love someone let them go, if they come back they are yours forever , but if not they never were...I need to let mine go to even though deep in my heart I am really hurt.I wish he was here to ,being happy and make a life together but he chose not to.i cannt even cry anyomore ,because if tears would work he d be here by my side ..hugs

[MostlyHopeful]

Unfortunately "move on" is not a switch in your head which you can just engage and suddenly be ok (if it was none of us would be here!) and in that sense I get a tad infuriated when people seemingly dismiss confusion and hurt with a statement of "get over it....move on....accept it".

 

Moving on is a process, it takes time. It is a process which everyone goes through, usually without closure or understanding.

In general I don't believe in "closure". It's not something that another person can give to you. Your ex could explain his reasons and his feelings as best he can but it still won't make sense to you because you weren't ready for it and most likely don't agree that his reasons warrant a break up (I've been in that exact position very recently). As everyone else has said, closure most certainly comes from within, and it will only get to you with time.

 

Judging by your join date the BU is relatively fresh (I apologise if that is incorrect). At this point you are still grieving, still trying to come to terms with it, still trying to re-adjust to life without him. But that pain does not last forever. At some point you stop crying, you find yourself distracted by other things, you suddenly realise you haven't thought about them for most of the day, your life finds worth without them in it. Right now, it feels like that day will never come. It feels like you will grieve the loss of your relationship forever (again, I've been there very recently). But it does come. Letting go, moving on, getting over it - it is not a destination...it is a process.

 

One of the greatest misconceptions other people have to an individuals break up is that "get over it" is an instantaneous and conscious decision.

Don't put yourself under pressure to just be fine with it. The thing with pain is that you have to feel it.

 

I am sorry you feel like this. Breakups are hard and they are sad. I truly hope you find some peace with it soon xxxx

[bastas]

Daisyhope , I feel for you. She left me when i needed her the most, had greattttt connection and for me it was also out of the blue + she gave me mixed signals, even in the breadcrumbs. I don't even know what they meant (probably not important but ok). I know you don't want to hear it but it gets better. I just tell myself that i deserve better, even though I would go back immediately if I got the chance....But in the end, like all the other say here, you deserve better, even if you don't believe it.

[DaisyHope]

I thint what eats me up the most is the not knowing what changed.....what the nail in the coffin was, if I did something, what changed....someone else?! Whether it was all lies!? If he wasnt actually the person I thought I was/wasted time with...what he's telling his friends...i know it shouldn't matter but it does somehow...

[trust101]

You will finally be able to "accept it and move on" when ....

 

1) you realise and accept that closure comes from within.

 

It's usual to have so many answers in the aftermath of a break-up but most of them are unanswerable. Your ex most likely doesn't know how, why or when exactly feelings changed, just that they did. You will find closure when you finally accept what is, without question.

 

2) you accept that the relationship wasn't as amazing as you thought it was or it wasn't as amazing for him as it was you. If it were it wouldn't have ended.

 

In what ways do you think he is still controlling things?

 

 

^ 2: the wisest point I've come accross in a while. Very true.