A Turn for the Toxic...

[Lonewulv13]

It's been years since I posted last. My previous heartbreak now a distant memory which rarely crosses my mind. You could say I'm a true testament to the fact that yes, time does heal all wounds. Or at least buries them so deep you hardly remember what they felt like at all.

 

Though now, I find myself there again. That agonizing space between love and loss.

 

A week ago today, I kicked my girlfriend out of our apartment. Our relationship had been on the rocks for a while, so it wasn't like I didn't see it coming. Though I guess she did as well, which is why she jumped ship... An overlapper who can't handle the emotions of loss and pain alone, so before our relationship ended she started to get close to another guy. To cushion her fall I suppose. We moved out into our own place in the beginning of September. We were suppose to split the $800 rent 50/50, but she didn't contribute a cent. Obviously that breeds contempt within me, which reflects on how I felt about her, becoming more and more angry, causing her to feel insecure and unwanted. A vicious circle that doesn't end until one, or both parties have destroyed each other. Before the final break she was smoking an excessive amount of marijuana (a habit I feel directly responsible for, as she never smoked before me). This eliminated virtually all motivation and made her lethargic. All she would do was work a few hours here and there, then go and smoke with her bros... One of which she became a little too close with. One night after coming home from work, I found her passed out on the bed (as I often did), this time with her laptop opened and her FB signed in. Something she had been nefariously covetting for a while. I finally figured out why (though I had already suspected). Cutsie messages between her and her "dealer". Saying how much more compatible they were and referring to my suspicions as " nagging insecurities"... I packed my stuff up, left her a note saying I'd be gone for a few days and that when I came back, she wouldn't be. I go to my moms. By the time I put my head down to rest it was around 4:30 am. All of a sudden I hear *thwack!* *thwack!* against the side of the house. I open the window, and there she is, balling and crying begging me to come down and talk to her... Reluctantly, I did. She swore up and down it didn't mean anything and that she loved me and didn't want to lose me. That she'd do everything she could to prove that she deserves to be in this relationship. How can you resist?..

 

So a week goes by, and of course things slip back into the same mundane routine. Me working and her lazing around, not accomplishing much. At this point I'm beyond fed up. There's no tenderness or understanding. Just resentment and frustration. She knows it. So naturally, it happens again, which brings me to last Tuesday. She messages me on FB that night after I got home from work, saying she was out with her "brother" and some "friends" and that she wouldn't be home tonight. Oh, and that she'd be drinking (they do not mix well with her...). That was my first clue. So I decided to check her twitter blog feed thing that she leaves open, and the truth is revealed. Not long after taking her back, she posts things like "he doesn't want this to work" or "he isn't even trying". Then things like "I think I just met my match" or "I'm walking on sunshine!" and screen caps of suggestable comments saying "meet me down by the river princess". From 12am to 8am I packed all of her things up and piled them by the front door. With an added touch out of spite, I took a picture and posted it on her twitter. She came home that afternoon, aware of what was waiting for her as she checked her twitter. Rather than her usual begging and pleading she seemed to be repressing her feelings with a mask of indifference. She took some things she needed immediately, then left. I didn't find this out till about two days ago, but she changed her FB status that same day to " in a relationship " with this new guy (she deleted the notification from her feed, either out of guilt or embarrassment). A chain-weed smoking tool from another city.

 

I drove by her brothers place a few times, where she's staying. Almost every time she's sitting in her new bf car with their buddies lightin' up... If it isn't obvious by now, I'll tell you she seems miserable. A couple days ago she stopped by with the new bf to pick some of her things up. She looked like a wreck. Pajama pants and a sweater, heavy bags under her eyes. She seemed completely indifferent/shut off. She posts things like "I truly feel I've met my match"... But can that be true? I don't think it is. I think it's just another overlapping rebound. Though despite everything, I feel responsible. When we first started seeing each other almost two years ago, she was in university, working towards a career in child and youth. She was happy. Though she started skipping class to see me, then she failed stats twice... Then they wouldn't let her try again for a year. Then we started to fight and things went down hill from there. She got into weed, became lethargic. You know the rest. Though there were times that we were so great. Before the drugs, before the arguments. I feel that if none of that happened we'd be fine. She'd have energy, so she'd want to work more and help out. I just feel like I've completely corrupted her.

 

Now I think she's truly lost. Lost in drugs and fake relationships to run from the pain. I miss her, and I just want her to have an epiphany and say "what the hell am I doing with my life? What have I left behind?"...

 

I know it seems obvious. She's just trying to escape reality. But when you're on the receiving end, there's never a silver lining.

 

I could really use some insight and advice. I know I need to just move on and work on myself blah blah blah, and I am. I just don't want to see her fall down that road... I just need some outside perspectives. Hopefully from someone who's been in a similar situation or know someone who has. I'd really appreciate it.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[1a1a]

I think you have to let her own her own life choices.

 

Also, I'm sorry you are at love's end, tis always painful.