am i the problem?

[havannahg]

hello everyone!

 

so the last time I posted I shared the story of my ex and ex best friend who decided to begin seeing each other behind my back. the pain have been hard to bare but over-all I've made the decision to conquer the situation and focus on myself and my healing.

 

although some days are better than other because some days I reminisce and i miss both of them very much but I simply cannot and will not reach out to them- given they haven't tried reaching out to me either... my ex best friend still hasn't replied to the long message I sent her about how hurt I am and the fact that I never ever anticipated she would betray me in this way. and my ex well he did send me messages asking to talk and saying he will do anything I want but no matter the urges I get to respond I still haven't and its been a month. they remain blocked from all contact with me as I strive to rebuild.

 

what hurts is how heartless people can be. me- once I love you I love you unconditionally. i did every and anything to please my ex while we were together he even admitted before that no one has loved him the way i do. but he still proceeded to go after my best friend knowing my soft kind heart...and knowing it would hurt me. from this all went down i told myself he takes most of the blame because he experienced my love...my friend knew how much i cared for him so she is as f****d up but he experienced it- my love. now of course everyone has the right to be happy and i accept that he wasn't happy with me anymore. i wasn't enough.

 

i try not to ever get down on myself for how others choose to treat me but sometimes it helps. which brings me to my subject- is it me? i know sometimes I'm a bit overbearing and i love too hard and in my experience this drives people away. my ex was my second real relationship as i try to be precise when it comes to these things and I'm not ever In a hurry to give myself or my love to just anyone. hence why this betrayal has me confused and on a emotional roller coaster as i strive to be strong and gain wisdom.

 

pretty much the same thing happened with the first guy i was in a relationship with... everything started off great. i think he loved me.. i fell in love with him ...deeper and deeper... unconditionally and eventually he began pulling away from me. now i don't put any man on a pedestal i just have my definition of what love should be so i try to put that forth. i believe in unconditional love. its not about what you have... how you can benefit me etc. its simply about you as a person... everything you are I accept and learn to love because you make me happy.

 

anyway, this d****ebag ex of mine that went for my ex best friend... I can't help but wonder if my absence from his life even matters. he expects that since I loved him so much I would never really go away.. he would always have me "just there". from the past I noticed this too. they think I love them so much that they can do as they please and I will always be there. yes I've given them reason to believe this when matters were minor but the thing about me is that once you've crossed me to the point where I can't help but realize I am just not worthy... or... I have nothing else to give this person. I will be gone for good. with that, I am on my journey to anew. leaving him behind and taking my love and kindness with me. I guess I realize some people are just not ready for real love or commitment and I'm the perfect victim. . for a little while.

 

everyday I miss this d*****ebag. everyday I contemplate reaching out to him but my spirit will not allow me. I just hate his blatant disrespect and disregard. the day he came to confess to me about him and my friend.. . he first admitted it but then retracted and said it was a joke .. she would never do that to me... she loves me. then he proceeded to kissing me ..knowing I'd fall back into his web if lies...knowing I loved him and wouldn't say no. he wanted to have sex that day but I refused because something in me was uneasy. but i proceeded to letting him touch me.. 4play..etc. you guys get the drift. he Pretty much told me what i wanted to hear. and I fell for it all. the moment he left my house was the moment my ex friend texted me the truth... the real. i was heartbroken. how can this man..well boy...just use me lie to me and disrespect Me in this way. i deduced that maybe his coward a** was afraid to tell me the truth so in his psychotic mind he threw it aside and proceeded as if though this wouldn't add fuel to the fire.

 

it saddens me. that I've been stepped on and spat on like this by people i thought cared about me. one minute my friend is sorry and heart broken when i tell her maybe we can reconcile and when i let the facts soak in and say hell f*****g no... she ignores me til this day. how can people live in peace knowing they've caused such pain and grief to another. is it me?

 

my ex friend is just an ordinary sl*t she f**ks and sucks anything that promises her love- as my ex boyfriend did. but why leave me for someone like that. sighs

 

in my experience every guy who has crossed me or broke. my heart always comes back asking for forgiveness. with my ex the last message i sent him read that i will never ever forgive him for this. which isn't true because that isn't my nature but I knew that would hurt him... some how. they can ignore me and pretend as if they're so happy and what they did to me doesn't matter but I believe I know the truth. my love and care was too strong... they will surely be sorry.

 

it may seem as if though I am already enlightened about my question, is it me? but honestly i really do wonder. i know moving forward I need to take time and be conscientious of who I let in.

 

but what is it exactly about my personality when it comes to love that has me reliving this heart ache? I will never understand when it became a bad thing to love genuinely.

 

my heart is still aching. I now have new fears moving forward that I need to conquer when it comes to relationships because obviously- its me.

 

with love, HG ❤

[ParisPaulette]

It's not a bad thing to love genuinely. It's a bad thing to not see red flags from the start and to take up with toxic people. That's what you need to probably focus on--how to spot toxic people and not let them into your life or send them out the door the minute you realize you're looking at one. These two people didn't just do all this without warning signs and you either missed those warning signs or excused them away. That's what you need to focus on.

 

There will always be good people in life and toxic people in life, the trick is to figure out which is which and realize everyone reveals themselves sooner rather than later. Even if it's just someone who treats you really well, but is nasty to other people or the girlfriend who constantly gossips about others to you. Those are warning signs. You already knew for instance that your former friend is the type of sleep with any guy and have no morals about taking up with other women's men and yet you were friends with her. That's where you made your mistake. Same thing with your ex, he is bound to have done something or things early on that made you stop for a moment and go, "Did I just see/hear/feel what that was?"

 

It's good to be loving and giving, but only to those who really deserve it. You can't buy or love or make someone be a good person if they aren't, you just can't. You weed the toxic people out by letting them go when you first see that toxicity and getting to really know people before you just up and let them have the whole farm--i.e declaring you're in love and moving in with some guy you barely know for instance.

 

The problem is you only to the degree you think bending over backwards before someone has earned their trust and proven they really do have your back is the way to go and I"m sorry if this sounds cold, but it isn't. It's called self-preservation and weeding out the poison before it ever reaches you. To that end some therapy or even reading up on the topic of unavailable people, how to spot cheaters, what to do with bad friends etc. and then applying what you learn instead of ignoring it can go a tremendous way towards freeing you up from being hurt by the same type of person over and over again.

 

It's not you in that you don't make other people treat you badly or push someone into being a cheat or a bad person willing to screw a friend over. That comes from the other person all their own and they are that way accross the boards whether they'll admit it or not, whether they'll let it show or not. What is on you though is why you keep letting these types of people into your life and then ignoring and/or thinking your love or friendship will make them into a good person or someone who won't hurt you when you have clear compelling evidence to the contrary. Your friend for instance, I would have let go the moment I saw she was promiscuous or agreeable to the idea of cheating or going after another woman's man. It just doesn't get any more obvious that that is not the sort of wolf you invite into your door.

[Hollyj]

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine being deceived in such a way.

 

I have to say that i was quite uncomfortable with the fact that you say you love your partner "unconditionally," you should never love anyone other than a child unconditionally. it totally sounds like you're putting these guys on a pedestal, and losing yourself in these relationships. You need to put more value on your own needs, as you may be coming accross as a doormat. Don't make your life about others!

 

Second, i would closely reexamine who you're choosing. If you have been cheated on twice, you may be attracted to a creeps, and ignoring red flags. I would closely reexamine the character of those around you, as the ones you have mentioned are creeps.

[rainbows]

Oh i have been there. I was in school that time. My ex was my classmate. My ex best friend was also my classmate. They would be fooling around in the class, while i was still there - right there in front of them!!

 

The pain is excruciating. I Know how you feel.

 

What got me through were these things:

 

1. I went and gave myself a complete makeover.

2. I made new friends in the class, and thankfully they were some truly wonderful people.

3. I decided to concentrate harder on my studies, so it helps my self worth.

 

Today I am way better off in my life, than they both are. I am not in touch with them, but the girl is married to someone else, and that guy is still sleeping around.

 

I was hving serious self doubt too, but now as I look back I realise - this had nothing to do with me.

 

there are people who just don't have any regard for other human beings in this world. And honestly, as much as I would like to hate them, I cant hate them.

 

The truth is, I feel sorry for them. When you become the kind of person who cant care for others, that just means that life has been really really really harsh for you. Look deep down, and yu will see how unhappy they are.

 

You are better off - trying to seek help from people online. Trying to pick yourself up. they are just trying to survive and run away from their problems.

 

Give yourself time and courage. You are not the problem and yes you will feel wonderful very soon!

[havannahg]

thank you all for your insight.it helps a whole lot. I appreciate each word.