Lack of Friends

[Btmnk21]

My story-

 

I grew up isolated with my 3 sibilings, we were relatively poor, but lived in an affluent town so I always felt different. Summers spent entirely with my siblings, maybe one or two neighbor kids, and school vacations were spent with my mother because she taught school in a different state and they had different vacation weeks. Basically I had friends in school, but not really outside.

 

High school- I had a good group of core friends, but was sometimes picked on by them. Never felt like fit in. I was in the top 5% of my class, 3 sport varsity athlete, but felt too smart for the jocks and outsider with my friends (they were also smart, but more punk, into music, etc.) Always felt like I was straddling groups. I left high school with a gf, but then a few months into college my gf breaks up with me, and I learn she starts seeing arguably my best friend at the time. During college breaks they invite me over to hangout, but once I learn they both will be there I do not hangout with them anymore. They stop asking to hangout and I stop considering any of them friends.

 

College- I meet some nice people freshman year, but I am depressed due to the high school gf and do not go out and party with them. My second year I was supposed to room with someone from my freshman dorm, but they back out and force me to live alone. I then go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone. Eventually I meet a friend through a mutual hobby and my 3rd year I live in a house with this friend plus 4 other guys. I meet my college gf that year and everything is going great. Senior year my friend becomes very unstable, drinks all the time, has different political views, and is very aggressive towards me. I live more at my gf's than my own house, and this causes a rift between my housemates and I. Once college is over I do not stay in touch with them except for the occasional FB message. My gf and I move back home and no one from college is anywhere near us (gf and I).

 

I start a job, meet some great people, go out after for drinks, play sports together and it's a fun time, but then after a year I quit due to stress and lack of pay. I do not stay in touch with people much longer than a few months after I quit.

 

A few months later I break up with my college gf, but due to complicated living situation we remain roommates, and then a few months later I start a new job. This time I make a conscious choice to not include my new coworkers in my personal life.

 

I join an indoor flag football league and play for a few years with a good group of guys. I never hangout after the games to get a beer or anything. Just straight to the game and straight home. I decide to stop playing one year due to high risk of being injured (i.e. running headfirst into a wall) and have not contacted anyone since.

 

5 years go by before I have the courage to date again. I've now spent years with my ex-gf living as friends, do things with her, but not really going outside my comfort zone. This new girl is amazing, understanding of my situation, and brings a huge social circle, we date for 10 months. But she is not cool with the ex-gf who is a roommate and friend. Forces me to kick her out, which I do, and this damages my friendship. Even after I break all contact with college gf, my new gf is so insecure she acts out, causes fights, blame my reaction, and I break up with her about 7 weeks ago.

 

Oh and my dog of 10 years, my companion, passed away from cancer 2 months ago.

 

So now I am 30 yr. old, and live alone. My previous best friend (college gf) doesn't want anything to do with me. My recent gf rebounded 1 week after I broke up with her, harassed me for several weeks with insults and threats of ROs, and there is no relationship or friendship there. I feel lonely now all the time. I try to hangout with my family, but my closest brother is always busy with his fiancé and house. He's been busy for a year, which is the last time I saw him. My sister lives 1500 miles away. My mother and father are self absorbed and only talk about themselves and their jobs. The college friends I did stay in touch with also live hundreds of miles away, and it's only been text conversation these past few years.

 

I guess I don't know what to do. I can see the pattern of getting into situations and being social, but once that situation ends I terminate the relationship or let it slowly die. I feel like I am now too old to make new friends. My therapist hasn't been able to help me much except to say "get out there, go on meet-up sites, and meet people". But I feel very self conscious about my friends situation. I want to meet new people but think they will judge me for being different.

[rainbows]

wow! i thought i was the only one!

i am 25, and i am pretty much at the same place that you are in. and in my case i work from home. I love my job, but it cuts off any scope for any interaction at all.

I know what you are talking about...

on one hand you want friends, on the other..there is just something stopping you from doing it - probably depression and low self esteem. and then cuz you dont get new friends the depression increases. vicious cycle

[siegfri333]

If you're not chatty or talktative, just forget the idea about having friends, or having a girlfriend stick with you.

 

Loneliness/social awkwardness is the worst fault in our social world.

[mhowe]

You have had friends your entire life ---- you just choose not to nurture a friendship. Like a plant, if you ignore it ---- it eventually withers and dies.

 

You are choosing your isolation. You know what to do to fix it ---- and you don't want to put in the effort.

 

Nothing anyone on this forum can say will change your predicament. Only you can do that.

[abitbroken]

You need to live more in the present. You blamed your experience in high school on your poor upbringing and blamed college on high school. College was your chance to turn over a new leaf because nobody knew you, but you chose to dwell on high school instead. So, join meetup groups or a team and keep an open mind rather than meeting new people and dwelling so much on people at your job or in college you can't take anyone at face value.

 

Also, as far as your ex, leaving the living situation with the college ex could have been just too little too late.

[LKDag]

If you're not chatty or talktative, just forget the idea about having friends, or having a girlfriend stick with you.

 

Loneliness/social awkwardness is the worst fault in our social world.

Disagree with that. A lot.

 

Not being a particularly social person makes things a lot more difficult, yes, but it doesn't mean that you need to consign yourself to a life of loneliness. You just need to adjust your strategy and go about being social differently from people who find it more natural. I'm a kind of person that is very shy in person and I don't say much (even if I want to, sometimes), but on the computer, I don't feel that social pressure that I do around people. I've made friends (some just kind of casual, some deeper) from participating in online groups involving hobbies and other things that I like. Some people, they're just digital screen names. Other people, I've met them in real life and engaged in friendly conversation and whatever.

 

There are ways to skirt around or mitigate being introverted.

[DancingFool]

Meetups exist because there are only millions of people looking for new friends, companionship, and other people to do stuff with. Hate to break this to you, but your story is pretty typical. Relationships from high school do not translate well into college - people change too much. From college, people graduate and split all over the country, friendships become scattered. Same goes for work. Sometimes you'll stay friends with a few people and sometimes not as jobs change. So people find themselves often in exactly the same spot that you are in - different job, no family or friends nearby, so they take up hobbies, go to meetups and start making new friends.

 

If you truly want to develop new friends, then get off your rear end and go do it. There is no other advice for you. Nobody is going to come knocking on your door wanting to be your pal. You actually have to make the effort and go for those drinks after the game, etc. even when you don't feel like it. Sometimes it's like rolling a boulder - the hardest part is getting it to move from a standstill, after that it gets easier and easier. You've been at standstill too long. Time to roll again.

[happpybear]

You really do need to nurture any relationship, family, romantic or friendships. You can't expect other people to do the heavy lifting and calling, planning etc. I am not the most social person either (I'm an introvert) so I really have to force myself sometimes to get off my azz and go out, I have a tendency toward hibernation and also isolation if I am going through something or am feeling badly. But it is so incredibly easy to make a meetup account and start joining events, you can find the time and the energy to make it out to 1 or 2 meetups a week. No excuses. There are so many people out there that are in the same or very similar situations as yourself and are reaching out to meet people.. I think once you start putting yourself out there, you will see how easy it is and how much better you feel.