Recovering from BreakUp..opinions please on situation

[whytemyst]

We parted ways nearly 3 months ago and I never got closure from him whatsoever. He took the easy way out and this has been very hard for me to move on from because I never knew WHY. I would like opinions as to what may have happened on his end (guys, feel free to comment) as well as thoughts on what I may have done wrong. Sorry it is so long

 

I met my ex here in my hometown and we were both out at a club celebrating our birthdays, which fall 2 days apart from each other. He seemed very shy to me, and only met by chance due to my sister talking to one of his friends. We started talking and hit it off really well. After the club we all went over to his apartment and hung out for awhile and I gave him my number. He called the next day and set up a real date. Things were going really well, he was an absolute sweetheart to me. Always called when he said he would, was never late, and began talking about our future pretty early on in the relationship. He would tell me he wasn't a ladies man, and he couldn't believe I would talk to him, he even told me he thought he wasn't attractive. He told me he was falling for me very hard and even told his mom about me. His mom suggested we get holiday pictures taken to send to family members. He talked about finally finding me, where was I the whole time he was in my hometown (he is in the army), even mentioned marriage and kids. Now I thought that was a little early..I remember thinking that at the time, but ate it all up, he literally swept me off of my feet. He brought flowers to me once a week..Then he told me the bad news, that he had to be transferred to another state, and he had just found out and it was all short notice.

 

I was devastated to hear the news. I thought, just when I find a great guy, I lose him..but he asked me if I would consider moving to be with him, not right away, but in a few months. I told him I would consider it, I wanted to get out of my hometown for so long, I saw it as a great opportunity. Around this time is when I know I made my first mistake with him. He was over at my apt and made a snide remark and I got a little huffy about it. He told me he was going to leave my apt..I said fine. Well, I didn't hear from him after that for nearly 3 days. I was confused, tried calling, always got the machine..even went over to his place and he wouldn't answer the door. I thought he was just not going to talk to me anymore, and that hurt me. So then I get a hold of him and I ask why he hasn't called, he just said he has been sleeping this entire time! Can you believe that. Sleeping? Nice excuse! He said he wanted to continue the relationship, by this point I'm sucked in hard and I stay. Right before he left for Oklahoma, he stayed in my apt for 2 weeks and we got along very very well. He was never verbally abusive to me. He has never called me a name. Then he leaves, and we talk on the phone every day until he was scheduled to fly out to Iraq.

 

The day he was leaving for Iraq, he all of a sudden became very defensive towards me on the phone, saying I was making him feel guilty for going to Iraq. I had no idea why he said that..I was just telling him how much I was going to miss him, not talking to him for weeks, etc..He actually hung up on me! that little spat he had confused me so much because I didn't feel I was saying anything to make him feel guilty.

Anyway, we did talk again, and everything was still a go for me to move down there. He was really good to me, sending me some money to pay for half the plane ticket when I visited him down there first), he seemed like a honest to good, genuine guy to me. I thought for sure I finally found one worth keeping around!

 

So I sold my furniture, quit my job, lost my apt, and sold my car to move there. I didn't move until July, so it was a good 7 months after he had left. It took a lot of planning. I also paid the movers a large sum of money to ship my items down there. When things were good, they were really good, the first month was really good, then things started to change. Two weeks after I got there, we had our first argument..I hadn't sold my car yet and the plan was to buy a car there and get a job, which I needed to sell my car to get money for the new car. 2 weeks in, I notice he never wanted to go out and do anything, and he slept ALOT. I ask him we should go do something and he just says he's tired from work, and that if I'm bored maybe I should get off my rear and get a job! Then he would ignore me. So I get a car, and try to get a job, 12 resumes out to my area of "expertise" and get only one job offer, during which time we get into a fight. This time it's about how much time he spends on the internet. It was all he did. We did go out to eat/movies on the weekends, but after work, he eats dinner (which I always cook - funny he liked to cook for me BEFORE I moved!), and gets online for the rest of the night. So then he gives me the silent treatment for 2 days and at this point I'm frustrated and I want to go home (I had also found out he was frequenting a website that involved webcams and chatting...need I say more) He realizes I am serious and asks for a 2nd chance..I love him so much that is almost what I wanted him to do. We have separate computers, and he has read my msn chat logs and I had talked to my sister about him on there...and that was what caused the first fight, because I made him look bad to her..

 

That maybe was a mistake on my part but i was venting and had nobody else to talk to. So I didn't take the job offer because I thought I was leaving. He now p-word protects his computer but still reads my msn chat logs whenever he wants (when I'm sleeping). Just made me think he was doing something he shouldn't be EVEN MORE. So then things get set pretty much in a routine..he started having "headaches" alot and soon the sex was becoming less frequent..like maybe twice a week at most..when before it was, well..much more often. He even said I am like a guy! I want sex too much! haha yeah right. If only I knew. It was also becoming a scheduled event..only when he wanted to, and only right before bed. We stopped really talking about anything significant..his talk about marriage/kids disappeared completely and he never introduced any of his friends to me..though since he moved he didn't have many there...but one of them came over once unexpected and my ex left the apt and talked to him outside. The last few weeks I was there he began really pulling away from me..Always on the internet, too tired to do anything else..always in a bad mood complaining about work. I began thinking..this has turned into something I don't want to be a part of. So negative all the time, started snapping at me for no reason (for wanting to pet my cat?) and just seemed like a real drag to be around. I started having second thoughts, though I really loved him a lot, I just really didn't see this heading to marriage. Still I held on, hoping my knight in shining armour would come back.

 

Suddenly all the things he liked (that I liked early on in the relationship..imagine that) he started to hate. The final straw was when I walked in and saw him chatting w/ one of his friends about a girl, all i saw was her username and he had aksed if he met her yet. Well, my ex frequents this message board online that I never understood in the first place, so I never went there before..but I did now..I was curious what he was doing with all that online time. Well I found out plenty. I made an account there and read a majority of his posts and found out about that girl, talked to her and she told me an earful. He had asked her out just the week before..and offered to take her to a concert. He made sexual comments to her on a regular basis. I also found from a mutual online friend that he talked about women in a degrading fashion all of the time and he had told this person also that he felt him and I had nothing in common! Since I couldn't get a job, I took out unemployment, he said this was fine w/ him, and had no problem w/ it..when he actually DID. So this all came out in the open about the girl he was talking to, he came home late from work (really late) and said "I spose you're mad at me"..I hadn't brought it up yet. I was upset because he spent our 1 year anniversary on his forum talking to HER. Let me also say I hated not having a job and it was driving me nuts being home all day. He then tells me she was just a friend, he said he asked her to the concert because he knew I wouldn't go (thought I didn't like the band) and she had no other way of going than for him to pay for it!

 

Just a friend..well..she lived in the next town over...30 minutes away. and his public posts to her kept asking "when are you coming over"...and "do you wanna be my present for my birthday"...this hurt me a lot..so much I wanted to just leave...and leave I did. I never got an apology, he didn't try to stop me, he was so indifferent about the whole thing..moving back 4000 miles, it took me time (5 days) to get it all said and done, and he never tried to talk to me. I tried to talk to him, wanted to work it out..and he just said "what's the point, it's over". I felt he never really tried at all to keep our relationship together whatsoever. It was like..easy come, easy go...like he could care less. This really bothers me a lot because I invested so much into this relationship, and I couldnt' believe he just gave up so easily. He made alot of promises he didn't keep, I caught him in a lot of lies, and it seemed he would rather be online than have anything to do w/ me. I know he looked at online porn..alot..but I figured all guys do that. But he did it ALOT. He lost interest in me. He'd rather be online that be w/ a real person. that was what I was feeling. He made me feel so worthless. I have tried to contact him (I know...bad) and he still won't tell me what he thinks happened to us from his point of view. He always turned the blame to me...he was always innocent..and I think he actually believed the lies he would tell me. so why did I love him so much? I loved who I thought he was. The person I met in the beginning..and it was NOT the real him. In fact, the posts I read from his forum, he seemed like a vulgar, outgoing, outspoken, sex-driven jerk..the opposite of what I was attracted to him for. I 'm sorry so long, I just am seeking answers that I know he won't give me, and I've given up on him totally..no contact. My only other long-term relationship was my high school sweetheart, which lasted 7 years, I had never had a guy treat me this way before. He had promised to send a few things I had that were still en route (my birthday gift from my friend) and then sends me nasty emails saying I abandoned my things when I left. I am emotionally drained, and tired of these thoughts that take over and won't stop. I just want to get over this and move on. thanks for listening, feel free to offer any suggestions or ideas, thoughts, etc.

[PrincessLinzay]

Wow, that seems like quite a lot to deal with. I can understand that it's hard for you to move forward. Women do like that closure thing.

 

So I guess Im wondering now if you're wanting him back, or you're just trying to move forward, or if you just want answers? Maybe I can help more if I know what we're trying to accomplish?

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Myst,

 

wow, that sounds really horrible. I am very sorry you had to go through it, but I am very proud of you for moving back home again and not staying in a bad situation.

 

Unfortunately I cant tell you what happened, maybe guys can give you a hint.

 

All I can say is that I think you decided to move really soon to be with him. After a month or so, was not it?

 

So maybe at first he was really into you, but many relationships end once the initial excitement fades.

 

I also assume that he was in Iraq for quite some time. Maybe the distance helped him a long in emotionally detaching himself from you.

 

Just some thoughts and I am sorry you had to go through it all. Hope you will feel better soon.

[annie24]

oh! I am so sorry to hear this! You must be going through such a tough time right now. He sounds like a horrible horrible jerk! I'm glad that you recognize this and that you said that you deserve better - you do. That sounds like you're on the right track to recovery.

 

So, I always post this, but there's a great book, "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. They have a chapter called, "He's just not that into you if he's disappeared on you: Sometimes you have to get closure all by yourself." He has a really great response to a woman who wants to know why her boyfriend disappeared on her without telling her why things were over:

 

"Do you deserve to know what happened? Yes. But fortunately for you, I can tell you what happened. You were dating the worst person in the world. What could he possibly say that will make a big happy lightbulb go on over your head and make you exclaim, "Ohhhhh, that's why my boyfriend left me without a word and went to Florida and vanished into thin air"? Nothing he could possibly say will be satisfying to you. But what will be satisfying is if you don't spend another moment of your energy on him. You picked a lemon. Throw it away. Lemonade is overrated."

 

I think that Greg has a really great point. He sounds like he was a jerk for 90% of your relationship - it's good that you didn't get married or have kids. You should def. get the book - it's very helpful!

 

I wish you well on your recovery. Take Care

Annie

[whytemyst]

hi and thank you for the replies so far. I do not want him back. I did at first, but my attempts at contacting him have just caused me more pain. I am no longer in contact with him. I guess what I am trying to accomplish is what he may have been thinking, because he could change moods like the flip of a switch, I was always cautious of what I was going to say as I didn't want the silent treatment I so dreaded. It was just ridiculous behavior. I'm healing and much better now but I was completely devastated at first. I have read that book, just recently too, but even if he wasn't that into me, he should have just told me his feelings changed so at least I would know WHY. He was only in Iraq for 2 months, and we were away from eachother a total of 7 months while I figured out my move. He wanted ME to move with him, and I thought about it a lot before going ahead with it, seeing him again in January. Perhaps it was too soon, perhaps he has a hangup with his ex..I have no idea...he also told me his ex left him and it was all her fault. *sigh*

 

keep 'em coming