trying to move on but stuck somehow

[staysound]

I'm having a hard time letting some of the things of my previous relationship go.

First off, last time I came here I was being advised, almost solely which didn't bring me much solace, to get into therapy.

I did (as I planned to myself and had started 2 weeks after the break up) and we are focussing on me entirely so I'd like any advice going straight into the 'get some more therapy' out of the way please.

Thank you beforehand.

 

So what happened, nutshell, I had a 10 month relationship, everything seemed to be going well, we were living together, he had a daughter, she stayed with us every two weeks, we were doing everything together and so on.

We then went on a holiday and during a silly argument he slapped me, called me names and told me he could find better than me.

I ended it and came home early.

He moved out all of his stuff 2 days later.

We talked for one more week until it was clear that it was over, I couldn't get over the slap and the insults and he seemed to be wanting a FWB situation.

I told him I would definitely not be into that and since then we are on no speaking terms.

 

What happened since, and what I have a hard time getting over is:

 

he's a tattoo artist and had a client whose designs he really liked.

However he said she was ugly and I shouldn't worry (at the time). Not that I asked if she was, the reason he said that is because she started coming every 3 to 4 weeks for yet another tattoo. A bit much, my instincts started to get red alerts about the frequency. She kept coming back for new little ones. Ok, to each his own. I still didn't worry about it, just thought it was weird.

 

When we broke up, a week or two later, she started to 'follow' me on facebook.

A couple of days later she unfollowed me.

I scratched my hair. Nothing more.

 

Two weeks later (I work at a well known bar around here) she came in with a friend, sat at a table for 4 hours and practically stared at me.

I got pissed off by now.

 

She started to friend (mutual) close friends of my ex on facebook.

She made a page of her own tattoo designs which had grown out to be shameless copy cat designs of my ex.

 

But the absolute freakiest part is:

when I wanted to move out of my apartment I put it on rent on facebook. (this girl and I are not friends there!)

 

Within two hours of me posting it and friends of mine sharing it (no mutual friends of this girl and I shared it!)

her friend (the one who accompanied her at the bar) asked me if she could come and take a look at my place.

 

I decided to play dumb and say she could.

She said she was going to come and have a look with her boyfriend.

 

Instead, when I opened the door, it was her and this particular (client) girl who was with her.

 

I was thrown back because of that, but still let them in. I didn't want her to know that I knew who she was.

They took a (thorough) look around the place and the friend decided she wanted the apartment, she seemed legit.

Due to her having a dog though, she couldn't have it.

 

Now.

I emailed my ex about this. He insulted her with some more ugly descriptions, as if he had nothing to do with this.

But somehow I just don't believe him.

I saw the girl, I now know how she looks like, and shallow as it might be, she's no catch in the looks department.

 

I have tons of more details that links the two of them together, but no proof. They themselves don't become facebookfriends, which I find even more disturbing.

I had blocked the both of time for 2 months but curiosity got the best of me.

Somehow I just really want to know for certain.

 

I don't really care anymore if he has somebody else, but if it would be her, I would be shattered.

It would mean he left a very véry good thing for somebody who goes into people's home just to see where her object of affection had lived and with who, without any form of shame, and he would choose somebody like that over me.

 

It just ruins my moving on so badly.

 

I'm doing such hard work and good work to get over what happened, to try to see this man for what he really was, a liar and a growing abuser, before anybody says, block them both, I know. But then I built sandcastles in the sky with my fantasies, both good and bad fantasies, not blocking them keeps my feet to the ground.

 

Maybe I just need to hear that this man isn't worth my time, and I know this myself, but the deceit and betrayal I feel, not knowing if there was or is any, is keeping me stuck.

[Perfect Life]

It seems that you know the kind of responses you will be getting. How can one tell you what you already know. Yes, this relationship is taking more of you energy than it needs. The physical abuse alone is a red flag, you should run, not walk. Let them do what they want. He is your EX, you cant control who he dates. Seems like they are dragging you into a dark place and you are allowing it. The best thing to do is to move forward, block them NOW, and work on yourself. But you already know that, now do it. If you are always stuck in the "I just have to know" phase, you will not allow yourself to ever move forward. Who needs this kind of mess?

[staysound]

I see myself unblocking them every now and then, then feel guilty about doing that and wanting to block them again, but facebook makes you wait 36 hours each time..

 

I don't need this kind of mess, definitely not, but it feels like if it isn't her, my relationship or the bond I thought I had with him, at least that wasn't a lie.

If it is her, then that's off the table too.

And the latter hurts so much more.

[Hellboy]

You're right, he's not worth your time, but I can empathize with the difficulty of getting past a relationship where there were problems.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, I'm going to say it. This man is not worth yours or anybody's time--period. Anyone who lifts a hand to you in anything other than self-defense--i.e. you are going to kill them if they don't (which yeah, we know that's not happening, but this is a metaphor so to speak) is not worth anyone's time. You did good in walking away after that, because what would have followed would have destroyed you emotionally, mentally and yes quite possibly physically too if it got that far and that bad.

 

To the second part, you need to realize that sometimes it really isn't so much about the relationship itself as it is the fantasies of what the relationship could have been in our own heads that can keep us stuck. And that can make moving on much harder and that's probably where you need to focus your attention--on stopping the fantasies. To that end you are going to have to do some hardcore "I don't want you taking up any more headspace, I refuse to dwell on you any longer" activities.

 

I've been there, it's hard to stop obsessive thoughts and over time that can get worse, not better. To that end you need to find something or several somethings that keep you busy and focused enough that your mind can only do that one thing instead. You learn a new skill, you take classes, you get a pet, you do something, anything that gets you out of your head even if it's just for an hour. It's really hard to be stewing about an ex when you're sweating it out in yoga convinced you'll die any second from exhaustion. And you may need to do what I did: you keep a journal and a timer and you set aside time each day to pour your thoughts out on to paper, let it all out and I do mean all--good, bad, indifferent-- during whatever time you've allotted yourself to do so. And then when that timer goes off, you end things by putting up the journal or straightening up pillows on the couch if you've taken to punching them like I did a time or two--and you walk away. When thoughts of him pop up you tell yourself, "Nope, not time right now to think about that," and you divert your thoughts to something else.

 

Sometimes it takes a conscious effort to get someone out of your head. Plus you need to realize what he does or doesn't do with other women has nothing to do with you. He's not even conscious of losing something good for something bad or he wouldn't have hit you and called you names to begin with. Come on, how stupid, how very very very very dumb can you get. There's your biggest thing to latch on to--this guy is an idiot. A stupid reactionary idiot who wouldn't know a good thing if it bit him in the ankles. And my guess is he's so damaged he will chase off anything good in favor of the bad, because he knows deep down bad is all he deserves. He realizes he deserves someone maybe like that other chick, but not you. Also he didn't think you'd walk away when he hit you, that's all.

 

But you did. And that tells me you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I've seen too many women and men buried, because they didn't walk away when they should have after that first time. You've survived, tell yourself all the things you're doing right, not the things that went wrong. Shift your attitude from "I lost this" to "I gained that and survived, I walked away from a very bad situation, I'm okay." Tell yourself things over and over again and they will start to stick after a time. They really will.

 

Also that other woman? She doesn't deserve him any more than you did, no one does. It is not normal to hit someone and call them names, it just isn't for any reason. People who do that have serious problems that have nothing to do with other people--it's all on them.

[staysound]

thank you for your indepth reply, you lifted me up, especially around the part of him being so very very very dumb

 

I'm getting to that stage where me being angry replaces the hurt often times, and I can almost feel the next stage coming up, the one that indeed thinks he just wasn't any smarter to begin with. That me being with him and in him choosing me something was not adding up, in the first place.

 

I have to admit that while being with him, I sometimes thought I was giving him far more credit than he deserved in the intelligenza part. When I was being myself he sometimes said to me, laughingly, that I was being 'strange'.

While I was making perfect sense. Well, to myself anyway...

 

I do get time away from the worry and ongoing pain about what was lost, I found myself being very occupied with refound skills in art, and I make great progress.

 

Trying to see him in a different light, the one I had seen him in the whole 10 months as being gentle, sweet, honest and sincere, has been the hardest task to do however, and you might be right that it is holding on to a fantasy, of a person that never really existed in the first place.

I still find that so hard to believe.

[ParisPaulette]

I know, but one you thing you have to keep in mind is that abusive personalities, sociopaths, narcissists, manipulators and others like them usually learn very early on to put a face of normal on and to go out of their way to charm others. It's the only way they are allowed access to people, realizing fairly quickly if they show only their true side they'll get rejected. Had your ex done what he did in that first month of dating when you still weren't sure of your feelings about him you would have been gone. Many times it's either that they wait until they know or think they know you won't run OR their abuse is more like an addiction and they can only stay "dry" for so long before the addiction comes back. Those are my thoughts anyways.

 

In the end, your reality is what counts. He was all of the things he was to you until the day he wasn't. And then based on that one day he wasn't you decided it wasn't worth the risk of sticking around for more of the abusive behaviors since yes they would show up again and again. Do i think he sincerely loved you at the time? Well, probably as much as someone like that can love. It's just that they don't love normally to begin with. He has something inside of him that makes him view the world and people in it differently in a really unhealthy way--i.e. anger is dealt with by hurting others physically and verbally. It's not a normal human behavior though and it's not one that you yourself have. I'm pretty sure you don't slap the waiter who brings you the wrong order then call them names. You'd be rightly jailed for that since our society recognizes that such people create chaos and are dangerous to have out and about among those of us who choose to handle things more rationally.

 

A great book for you to read is called "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It might help you understand what his mindset is, why he did what he did, and to realize it really isn't anything you did or didn't do. This would have happened sooner or later and quite possibly it could have been worse in another instance. So I hope that might give you some answers, but it sounds like you are healing quite nicely too so keep going.

[t1lersm0m1]

You two are broken up. Block this girl and distance yourself, and stop looking for excuses to contact the ex. It sounds like she is curious about you. Whether or not anything happened with them is meaningless since you guys are broken up and you can't and shouldn't forgive him for hitting you.

 

Keep going to therapy.

 

Don't waste any more of your precious energy on this guy. He's not worth it.

[staysound]

oh but I won't be contacting him again, as I also told him in my last effort 1,5 month ago.

I know we're broken up, I know he can and will do whatever he wants, as will I, but if this particular girl is in the picture I can't help but feel differently about what I thought we had together.

 

It's one thing to be broken up the way it happened for me, but another to have to rethink the whole relationship as well. The fact that I'm not sure about it should make me want to forget about it all together, I'm just really having trouble doing that.

And I'm *not* the kind of person to go asking around.

It would give me the closure he never gave me, but I suppose whatever the outcome of those two was or is,

it is their little fountain of misery. If she felt the need to come into my house to see about me or the place he used to live with me, that tells me enough about 'them' as a potential couple or her as a person.

 

About the book ParisPaulette,

I'm trying to (and struggling to) focus more on myself and my behaviors than on his.

I spent weeks and months trying to figure out why he did what he did, so all of a sudden (there was no pattern of aggression at all in our relationship, no harsh words even)

but in the end it's what makes him him, and like you said, I distanced myself from that kind of man immediately.

Why, because I learned to run away immediately, I learned it doesn't get better, it only gets worse.

 

I had been very sweet to him, understanding, caring and genuinely concerned about his well being, all of the time, if he could do this to me, he can certainly do it to whomever he decides to be with, who ever the new girl is.

 

But betrayal...

that opens up another can of worms, I have been cheated on so many many times before in the past, never quite learned to cope with it, don't think I ever will.