klambert918 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I have posted on other forums about my boyfriend and I breaking up due to him moving to be closer to his daughter... at first we were talking about a long distance relationship but I decided I couldn't do it and it would be best if we didn't talk at all for a few months... he doesn't agree but will do it since I asked. He leaves on Sunday, we have been talking still, until he leaves. Sort of counting down the days I guess. Plus he is still getting his things out of my place. But he continues to tell me things like "we don't know what our future holds" "700 miles is so far and I want you to be close to me" "I want to take care of each other" and my favorite (because it's so confusing) "i can't let you go and I don't want you to let me go"... sooo... he's still leaving. Despite all of this. I've been trying hard to separate what my head, heart, and gut are all telling me. My head says "run!! He's never coming back!" My heart says "give him a few months, he'll come around" and my gut says "wait just a little bit. This is meant to happen.". I'm genuinely confused. I am sticking to my guns about not talking after he leaves, at least for a few months. I'm not going to just put everything on hold hoping he comes back, but at the same time there is something telling me to hold on a little longer. He has said several times that failure is a real possibility, which it is because where he's moving has a terrible economy and housing is poor at best... something tells me to just wait it out a bit and he will come back. Am I being unrealistic? Am I fooling myself? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Does it matter? You aren't going to run out and get in a new relationship....and NC will either start you on the road to healing, or make him realize that he wants to be with you. Link to comment
Perfect Life Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 If you want the short answer, No, don't wait. You don't have the right to tell him not to be close to his child. He is being a stand up dad and you should not come in the way of that. If you decide that the distance is too much, then you have no faith in the relationship. If he is a smart man, he will not put you before his child. And the fact that you are even giving him a hard time about this makes me question your characteristics. If you love him then you want to see him be happy. Even if the economy is horrible, he should always find a way to be near his child. I hate to sound so rough because I too just had a relationship end. Its damn rough, I'll tell you that. But you have to let him be a dad. Long distance relationships work. Honestly 7 hour drives can be done in a weekend and you guys could see each other frequently if you desired. (I was dealing with 2700 miles of distance) I think you have to let him go, its important to him and his daughter. And if YOU cant deal with the distance, then YOU will have to be okay with saying goodbye. Sounds like he is willing to continue with a LDR but you have made up your mind that it will not work. Seeing as how you have your mind set on failure of a LDR, it's only going to make it harder for it to work out. Link to comment
freewill1234 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Move on with your life. If he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, he doesn't. It sounds like you cannot handle a LDR so what's the point in sitting around waiting for him to come back? Link to comment
No1 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 He is saying things that I would say to you in the same situation. Its things you want to hear and things that I would think they would lessen the blow or have us leave on good terms as to not burn the bridge and in short. I want to leave with the door open if or when I return. Reality is, if he is moving there to be closer to his daughter, then he is going to focus his attention on his daughter. I cant tell you if he is coming back to you because I dont know the whole dynamics of your relationship, but Im going to guess that since he is moving there for a purpose, then he is going to stay there. If he wanted to still be with you and with his daughter, then he would of made other arrangements like live with you and fly back and forth to see his daughter. What I would say is let go of the relationship and move forward with your life. I can tell you that if a man wants to be with you he will find you. You could move to a remote town in England and he will still find you if one wants it that bad. So dont be afraid to take steps forward for your life and happiness Link to comment
klambert918 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 And the fact that you are even giving him a hard time about this makes me question your characteristics. I never asked him to put me before his child. I wanted to work it out together. I am letting him be a father, that's why he's moving. I could never tell him he can't go. he has made it clear that he is going to miss his home state, his family and friends, and me. These statements make me feel as though he may come back, not to mention, he had told me the possibility of failure is a reality. I'm trying to let go, I can't wait around, but at the same time something is telling me to just give it a little time. Link to comment
Perfect Life Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 It sounds like he loves you but he is ready to be around for his daughter. I say give it time. Let him get situated and in that time, work on yourself. Healing and moving forward. If he comes back later, you will have a life without him and be able to decide then if you want to reignite the flame. But don't make him feel bad for leaving. He is actually doing the right thing. Good luck Link to comment
No1 Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Im not saying its over, abandon all hope, he is never coming back.. oh heck no. Like I said, I dont know the dynamics of the relationship. But for now, put yourself in a position where you can go on without him and be happy. Then if he does decide to come back you can choose to accept him in your life or not. In other words.. dont put your life on hold. Link to comment
klambert918 Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 Im not saying its over, abandon all hope, he is never coming back.. oh heck no. Like I said, I dont know the dynamics of the relationship. But for now, put yourself in a position where you can go on without him and be happy. Then if he does decide to come back you can choose to accept him in your life or not. In other words.. dont put your life on hold. Our relationship is unfortunately complex. We met over a year and a half ago and were unusually close friends from the beginning. We gradually created a really amazing, loving, and fulfilling relationship and have lived together for several months. However, I knew from the beginning that he would be moving out of state to be with his daughter. It was something I thought I would be okay with. I even surprised him with a trip to see her for her birthday because he wasn't going to have the money to get a ticket... so he invited me to go too, to meet his daughter and her mother... since then things between us just grew and grew to the point that neither of us can see our life without the other. He told me he was considering staying, because he truly doesn't want to leave me. I believe that. Ultimately he decided he has to go to be closer to her. Which I understand and support. But the fact remains that there is something about us that I feel is really special... I was in two serious relationships before he came along and thought what those people had was so great and thought they were the right one... but when I think about us, it's like the others were a sad joke. My biggest struggle right now is that I want another child and I could very easily see him being the father of my next. I believe we could have a really amazing future together. But we're both getting older and I realize that I can't just hang on hoping he comes back. Even if my gut says to just wait. Like you said, I'm moving on with my life, but if he happens to return, there is a possibility there will be a place for him. Link to comment
No1 Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I hope you three figure something out that works for everyone. I know how hard it is to let someone go especially when the love is there and you break up over timing and circumstance and not because of a big fight. I went thru that and its not easy. So I know the road you are in for. I hope it works out for you..I really do. As the saying goes, if it was meant to be then it will be. Now you might go thru a boyfriend or two and he might have to go thru a GF also to realize that you are the one he wants to be with. However, life does move and and if you sit around waiting for things to happen, then you could miss out on life. In the end, you will find happiness again. I hope its with the one you are supposed to be with Link to comment
Hellboy Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Kids always come first. Link to comment
klambert918 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 Well he left today. On good terms of course. I understand his child comes first. I understand his need to be there. I'm selfishly feeling hurt and lost. I wanted everything with him and I feel like it's just being ripped away from me. From us. He is equally as hurt. Last night he told me he doesn't want to go but he has to. I'm not faulting him or blaming him for the end of our relationship. I know why it has to happen. But it doesn't make it any easier. When he left he told me "something tells me this isn't the end of our journey together" and he had told me time and again "we don't know what the future holds." I'm not saying that makes me think he's coming back. But I certainly won't be closing the door on us. I can't even fathom being with anyone else. This will take a long time to heal. We are going NC tomorrow. we decided for 2 months at least. It's going to be hard. Especially because we have shared every detail of our lives for a long time. And also because neither of us really want this. Anyways, thanks for everyone's input on this. It's easily the most difficult experience I've ever been through. I wish it gave me comfort to think that I will come out of this stronger, but it's hard to be positive right now. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 What is keeping you from moving as well? It's not as if his move is a surprise, you knew it from the beginning. If your relationship is as amazing as you describe, why are you not looking into moving closer as well? Link to comment
klambert918 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 What is keeping you from moving as well? It's not as if his move is a surprise, you knew it from the beginning. If your relationship is as amazing as you describe, why are you not looking into moving closer as well? Because I have a child here, the economy there is terrible - the average job similar to mine pays less than half if what I make, and the company I work for pays for my college education 100%. I am rooted here and he has done what he can to make sure he is not. It's true, it isn't a surprise. What IS a surprise is how our relationship came to mean so much to both of us. At first we were friends which turned into very close friends and gradually progressed into living with each other. If it were a legitimate option, I would move there with him in a second. Regardless of the poor economy. However, my son is here, and he already knows his father (unlike his daughter - that is not to sound insensitive, this is the whole reason he is moving) and like I said,it's not that I don't understand his reasons, it's just incredibly difficult to lose him. Link to comment
Perfect Life Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 My heart is breaking for you because I know how hard it is to lose someone when things are so perfect and no one else compares. Especially during circumstances out of your control, where there is no fault to be placed. It's was one of the hardest things I had to ever overcome. And believe me, I was in a dark, lonely place. I felt at the edge of losing sanity a few times. First two weeks were the absolute hardest. When it hit me that I had to focus on myself and not the loss, I made a decision and commitment to myself to not count on him returning. I had to put my wellbeing first, I also could not follow my guy due to children with ties to this community. It was and expensive court battle we lost and it was a devastating blow to our relationship. In the end, I had to tell myself that I was not losing the love I held for him in my heart, I was just missing the person. So, Yes, I still cry here and there and its three weeks post break up today. But, I am feeling much better. SOOOooo much better. I posted on this forum and received so much support and tools to help me overcome. Its amazing how many people care and can relate. You will be ok, OP. Take your time. Use a pace that is good for you. There is not such thing as grieving the wrong way if its helping you. I wish you and your family all the best. No one can take what is meant to be yours. If he doesn't come back then he was never your "one" Link to comment
klambert918 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 My heart is breaking for you because I know how hard it is to lose someone when things are so perfect and no one else compares. When it hit me that I had to focus on myself and not the loss, I made a decision and commitment to myself to not count on him returning. I had to put my wellbeing first. There is not such thing as grieving the wrong way if its helping you. I wish you and your family all the best. No one can take what is meant to be yours. If he doesn't come back then he was never your "one" Thank you. I'm glad someone can relate, it has been difficult to find threads about breaking up under the circumstances, rather than one person wanting it or both people wanting it. The last night he was here he told me how badly he wanted to stay, but he just can't. Which I understand. It is just very painful. But you're right, I have to focus on myself. I kept thinking that he wasn't ready to be a part of my life, you know, like "the universe will bring us together" type of thought... but then I realized, maybe I wasn't ready to be a part of his. Maybe this is the time I need to use to grow myself, work on myself, and really love myself without anyone else.... he isn't the type to think about fate, or the universe has a plan, or the "what is meant to be will be" kind of things, but he has told me over and over that we don't know what the future holds and that he honestly feels like this isn't the end for us. I'm not hanging on those words by any means, but to me, I think this is something to teach us about not only ourselves, but each other also. We were supposed to go through this with and without each other (we are going NC, just to try to heal), and after that, we will see what happens. I like what you've said about there is no wrong way to grieve. I appreciate that, because I have felt out of my mind lately, and I got to a point where I just couldn't handle it anymore and completely broke down. Since then, the tears have lessened and the notion of me coming out of this stronger and wiser is looking like more of a reality. Thank you for your encouragement, I know he and I will be okay. It will just take time and effort. Link to comment
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