Lessons learned - thanks ENA

[Man with Dog]

Smart!

 

There is so much to learn if we just put aside preconceived ideas and open our minds to new ways of looking at things.

 

Lost

 

Totally agree!

[Man with Dog]

I've learned to rely on my spidey senses more. I'm starting to trust my judgment again and really, my judgement wasn't so skewed to begin with - I just ignored things and waved them off as no biggie. Now, I listen to it. And that's not just in dating relationships but family, friends, every day situations.

 

As a bloke, I often worry about my "gut feelings" being paranoia (and no I've never taken weed). Yet sometimes they are right.

[Man with Dog]

Haha..I agree, I wouldn't take the actions from one date to be indicating a trend, that is not enough data, statistically speaking I would stick around for 3-6 dates generally, if I am interested, but see something potentially negative, and use it to gather more data to come to a conclusion. If that's still not enough data (which generally doesn't happen), I will proceed with caution but stick around as long as I'm interested and view them as "innocent until proven guilty" for the lack of a better term haha...

 

of course, unless the guy is clearly a d bag or jerk or we don't even hit it off on the first date or two, then no worries cutting them off early.

 

At what stage can one actually just ask about a potential red flag?

[Man with Dog]

Nice work OP!

 

I agree, ENA is like a self-study in human dynamics. My mind has been broadened to understand diverse ways of thinking and I have become less ignorant about my own emotional landscape.

 

Some things I have learned here I wonder how anyone would learn anywhere else.

 

Notalady, Your recent experience reminds me of a bf in my 20s who told me that in the summers, he expected his wife to live at the summer house some 10 hours away, and he would go stay for two weeks but would otherwise be working.

 

He was shocked that I found that disagreeable. He would be giving her and their kids a fabulous summer! It made no sense to him that I would want to be with him and would rather us all be in the city than split up like that. Different folks, different strokes.

 

I get a lot of current thinking from my daughter but, yes, even at my age (when I should know better!) I see lots of points of view here that I would just never have thought about. A lot of our opinions are down to our culture and life experiences, for example, I have a tendency to dislike cheaters, but have learned to accept that sometimes good people do bad things.

[Man with Dog]

Wow girl! Good for you!!! Very very very good.

 

You did everything you needed to do. Not one sour note.

 

I'll point out, I think he tried to dangle a carrot out there for you ... which women who are more desperate for companionship would have ran after. Basically, he was thinking in the present (keep dating, be my companion, enjoy some sex) and not really thinking about the future. Because frankly pleasure in the present can be more fun than anticipating the future.

 

Well done for avoiding that drama.

 

I think it depends whether we are dating solely with the objective of finding "The One" or not. I don't think pairing up with the idea that it may not last for ever is such a bad thing. I can think of one such relationship I had where we satisfied each others' need for companionship, genuine compassion (but not love) and sex. In any case, I've found that most girls I thought were the real deal didn't turn out to be and there is only one exception. Before I married the first time, I was only interested in dating girls who I thought might be part of my long term future. As a result I dated very few!

 

I think it also depends on age. I never experienced young love (except unrequited "love") but I know that many teenagers think they've found The One but statistically, we are more likely to meet our life partner in our mid 20s or later.

 

It is personal choice whether we date as an end in itself or a means to an end.

[Man with Dog]

Thank you, and everyone, for your words of encouragement! I actually feel really good about this

I agree, he could be dangling a carrot. And yes he is thinking only in the present, even saying oh but I'll still be based here for at least the next year etc. I was like but that doesn't matter, you'll leave at some point. He said himself it's not a matter of if but when. If he can't think about down the track like most rational mature human beings do, and look at only the present, then that would be yet another incompatibility for me.

 

I applaud you for the choice you made. I'm certainly not advocating that you should change it, as I feel it was right for you. On the other hand, I always used to think down the track but, honestly, most of the time I got it well wrong. I never envisaged that I would ever be leading the type of life I have today. I'm also at the age where I have far more yesterdays than potential tomorrows.

[Man with Dog]

To be completely honest, I'm bad at reading people. I have to confess that others are quite good at spotting that I've been manipulated when I don't see it myself.

 

On the career mobility issue, you aren't on the same page and my wife and I are pretty much on the same page as you are. I do have to make business trips but would rather not. My career goals these days are restricted to keeping the roof over our heads and putting food on the table and my current job is probably the best way of doing it.

 

On the other hand, there are couples who are very independent and may have had a partner at home while away studying and are more accepting of distance in a relationship than you, I or my wife. Some people really wouldn't be fazed by it. After all, most people in the armed forces are married.

 

Just goes to show we're not all the same.

[notalady]

At what stage can one actually just ask about a potential red flag?

 

I would discuss any concerns or ask questions in an information gathering way very early in dating (on the first number of dates). I've learned my lesson, by not doing so, I might be getting involved in situations that I don't want to under false assumptions or misinterpretation.

[notalady]

As a bloke, I often worry about my "gut feelings" being paranoia (and no I've never taken weed). Yet sometimes they are right.

 

Gut feel is really just your brain quickly drawing on your past experience to come to a conclusion. You may feel something is not right but not be able to put your hands on it or articulate it at first, but as you think more about it you realise there is a valid reason a certain situation or someone make you feel that way. With more practice, of course still a long way to go, I'm starting to learn to more quickly identify that reason. And the more I listen of my gut feel (not necessarily acting on it right away though), the more I have found it's actually very accurate. For instance I jot down my observations of a person on the first and second dates, and my gut feel about what certain behaviours or situations (if any of them stood out to me) imply about this person, I would think on it, I would then continue observing and gather evidence to prove or disprove what my gut feel was telling me. 99% of the time, it becomes clear after a number of dates that my gut feel was right.

[Man with Dog]

One thing I have picked up on is that "breaks" during a relationship seem common these days. Never happened in my dating days. It seems that many people use them to sow a few wild oats or try out a crush while keeping the partner dangling in the background.

 

Also a lot more people meet online, not necessarily on dating sites. I don't see anything wrong with it at all but it seems to lead to distance relationships, which have their own challenges.

[Man with Dog]

I can think of some times where my gut feeling was wrong. Having been in a long marriage, there have been times when my wife has seemed rather aloof (usually she's anything but). My gut feeling ran into overdrive (having been cheated on and dumped by my first wife) but I've learned that over a long term relationship people do become aloof for a while but it seems to go again. We had a very bad period about 10 years ago and I was fearful of a 2nd divorce, mostly as this time I had a child.