My boyfriend touches me in my sleep

[superfan]

I agree 100% it doesn't matter WHY she doesn't like it or doesn't want it. She TOLD him after she woke up the first few times that she DOES NOT want him touching her when she is sleeping. There and then she laid out the fact that she did NOT consent to it. After that, she woke up with him on top of her having sex with her?

 

The 'why' of it doesn't matter. The lack of consent does.

 

It's rape.

 

OP, please leave. NOW.

[superfan]

But I don't understand why she doesn't want him groping her at all when she's sleeping. Like...from the beginning. Because...that's not a normal response...unless you've had a traumatic incidence in your past, have grown up in a conservative culture where sex is dirty, or if you don't trust your SO. And all I'm saying....is that she should figure out *why* the idea of being touched by an SO upsets her so much (like how she reacted to the first time he did it. His subsequent gropings were wrong...I think she should end things with him for not complying with her request).

 

I have never had a traumatic incident in my past. I am not conservative in ANY way. I trust my husband 100% and I believe we have a loving and healthy sex life.

 

That said, I would not want him touching me like that when I am sleeping. He feels the same. I have always been someone who likes my personal space. I also have issues with migraines and need a certain amount of sleep to function properly. I would not appreciate my husband touching me like that if I was not able to give my consent and/or if I was woken up in the middle of it. Not OK.

 

Saying that not wanting to be touched by your partner while you are sleeping is abnormal is extremely judgmental. Everybody is different and everybody approaches their own body differently. The OP is perfectly within her rights to feel the way she feels - just as you are perfectly within yours to say you enjoy being groped in your sleep. Doesn't make one relationship more "normal" than the other (except in this case where the OP's boyfriend is repeatedly ignoring and violating her as a result.)

[faraday]

Well, I learned something new. I can't relate to that.

 

There was honestly no judgment meant in my post.

 

....and I understand about needing sleep when you have migraines...that's a different situation than the OPs though.

 

As I stated above, it seems like the OP and her bf are incompatible and she should end things.

 

I'll leave this thread since I seem to be really upsetting you tvnerdgirl. Have a good day.

[reinventmyself]

Please don't do ______. . ever again. (fill in the blank) It feels disrespectful, hurtful, I don't feel safe and I feel violated

 

It doesn't matter what it is. She has been clear on how it makes her feel yet he continues to do it.

 

The fact that it's so personal in nature makes it even more sensitive.

I wouldn't mind being woken up. . but repeatedly and after I have asked him not to, deal breaker.

 

But how I view this doesn't matter. . .It's how it makes her feel that does.

[Firiel]

But *why* do you feel like a sexual object? You don't need to respond here to that....but you do need to really think on why....it's not a normal reaction to get that upset about a long term bf that you have a loving relationship with touching you. I'm the last person to recommend therapy...but this might be a case where you need to delve deep and figure out why. I'm not sure if it's a past thing (like sexual abuse) or if you and your bf have other issues that maybe you're not able to articulate- so you use the touching thing as the focus of your anger...Once again, no judgment...and you don't need to answer these questions here..but it's something to think about. (((hugs)))

 

She needs to go to therapy because she doesn't want her boyfriend to have sexual relations with her when she has explicitly told him she doesn't want them?!

 

This didn't just happen once. It happened several times, she told him she didn't like sexual contact while sleeping, and he keeps doing it. Of course she feel violated. Because she has been violated.

 

I can't believe some of the responses here.

[Firiel]

As I stated above, it seems like the OP and her bf are incompatible and she should end things.

 

There are not many people that a sexual abuser will be compatible with.

[faraday]

Omg. Did you even read my response? I said, that after she said no, he should have complied. I agree, he violated her.

 

 

She needs to go to therapy because she doesn't want her boyfriend to have sexual relations with her when she has explicitly told him she doesn't want them?!

 

This didn't just happen once. It happened several times, she told him she didn't like sexual contact while sleeping, and he keeps doing it. Of course she feel violated. Because she has been violated.

 

I can't believe some of the responses here.

[Firiel]

You also said they should break up because they are incompatible. No, they should break up because he is a sexual abuser.

[faraday]

You also said they should break up because they are incompatible. No, they should break up because he is a sexual abuser.

 

Yeah, you go ahead and take me out of context. Do you need a hug or something? I didn't pee in your cornflakes. It was someone else. I'm sorry.

[Firiel]

Yeah, you go ahead and take me out of context. Do you need a hug or something? I didn't pee in your cornflakes. It was someone else. I'm sorry.

 

No hug needed. And no pee in my cornflakes, either. I am just a firm believer that rape and sexual assault are often swept under the rug and not acknowledged to the extent that they should be, and I saw reflections of that attitude in your posts. It's something that I am very passionate about because it is something that has hurt so many people of so many different walks of life.

[faraday]

I think you're projecting onto me. Like I said earlier...I'll leave this thread. I'm sorry my words have been taken out of context and misconstrued.

[superfan]

But after having it done again, that was why I cried so much. I was emotional before but I never really cried like I had and it just really made me feel horrible. I was promised to that it would never happen again, after what was basically said - borderline rape - so I just wanted to clear up why I reacted the way I did. I just felt like I'm a sexual object and he has no respect for me at all.

 

There is nothing "borderline" about this. It IS rape. Don't stay.

[misssmithviii]

Yeah, you go ahead and take me out of context. Do you need a hug or something? I didn't pee in your cornflakes. It was someone else. I'm sorry.

 

Faraday, don't bother... They're obviously taking everything we were saying out of context and getting defensive.

 

Yes what he did was wrong BECAUSE she explicitly told him not to. Nobody here is actually refuting that.

 

We were just sharing our own boundaries and those of who we know to give the OP perspective, to see that everyone has their own line drawn. Not to dissuade her from believing what he did was wrong, but just as to contribute to an open conversation as I would a friend, really.

 

My goodness there's no need for attacking on here people. We're all here to support and help OP. I suggested she leaves him because what he did was wrong, and faraday suggests she look into the reasons behind why her boundaries are what they are - purely for informative reasons. And I agree. Not to say her boundaries are WRONG, or different, but just because knowing oneself is VALUABLE.

 

I know why I can't stand men who slip around with wording when talking to me. Because when things don't add up, whether purposely or not, it takes me back to terrible times in my past. My boundary is a very legitimate one. But it was nice to see a professional to help me really identify it in specifics.

 

That's all. Fists down people.

 

OP, best wishes. I hope you know you have the strength to put your foot down, it's all within you and you should. Your body is scared and nobody should ever be given a pass to do with you if they're disregarding your boundaries and expectations.

 

 

...

[faraday]

Self reflection is a powerful tool...and understanding motives brings clarity and freedom.

 

I've had some boundaries when I was younger too...and when I started questioning why, I realized they were due to past experiences that I had...and that I was creating rules/walls/boundaries to protect myself...even though the situations were different. I don't think there was anything wrong with me for having those boundaries...just as I don't think there is anything wrong with the OP for having hers...but I was able to live a less haunted/ more free life when I let the "why" go.

 

I hope the OP can find peace. I hope she moves on from this guy, and finds someone that understands her and is more compatible. This situation is hard.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[HeartGoesOn]

This thread has run its course.