Need some advice

[Stitch26]

Well first off let me say that I'm starting not to believe in love anymore. About 2 months ago my boyfriend of 3 years came home one night after disappearing for a day. Never called, was worried sick about him and finally he showed up. He looked me in the eyes and said "I cheated on you 6 months ago, and now the girl that I had cheated on you with is pregnant with twins, and they are mine." I was so shocked and dismayed and practically fainted. We were talking about getting married, having kids ourselves. We were in the process of getting a house together so I was trying to help him build his credit so we could have the life we always had and I made the horrific mistake of co-signing on a car for him. These two months have not been easy for me. He gave the car back to me and said it's in your hands now. I'm paying for two cars. He owes me around 2000.00 dollars of borrowed money, which he says he is going to pay me back, but I have not seen or been giving anything. He wants to remain friends with me but I still have a deep love for him. He calls me all the time and says, "if I could have it my way, you would be having the kids for me and we would be getting married. I am not attracted to the girl I cheated on you with but I have to do the right thing for my kids so I can be there everyday when they wake up and when the go to sleep. This is all for my kids and has nothing to do with her. I can't stand being around her, we have nothing in common. I love and miss you dearly but I can't be with you".

This conversation has been an ongoing thing for about 1 month now. We have talked about reconciling, but he says I have to see if the kids are mine first.

I was just wondering if there is anyone out there that can give me some advice on what to do. I love him, and there is that part of me that feels we can work it out in time. And there is that other part of me that feels like I should just pick up and move on with my life but how? Any advice for a broken, confused, miserable heart would be great.

[Hells_Fairy]

That is such a crock of crap. I am sorry, but he is trying to justify what he is doing. There are so many great fathers out there who aren't with the mother or vice versa.

He is telling the other girl the same thing about you... "I can't stand her".. yadda yadda. If he loved you, why did he cheat? Would you have done it to him? No, because you loved him, right? There is your answer.

You don't need that kind of crap so don't take it. Tell him that he screwed up and not to ever call you again. Why make yourself miserable over something that's worthless?

Good luck.

[savannahohsavannah]

I know it's difficult to see someone walk off with your fella but his reasons are honorable. Is there any way you can find a new guy to go out with? You did not say how old you are, and if either of you has ever been married before. Some more details would be nice to know. He did say however that he is going to be there for those children if they are his. I say put this fella on hold in the same way that he has put you on hold. Any guys that you felt a flicker of interest in, go out with them! This is not about you two as a couple any more, it's about you as an individual....

I can feel what a big shock this was for you, but please just plow on ahead....

Savannah

[moe42]

stay apart until a couple months after they baby is born until then date and often dont tie yourself down just yet. I would assume that after 3 years you would be attached but keep talking about you guys and everything thats going on...about the cash talk about that too and for future reference DONT HAND OUT THAT MUCH MONEY and my father always said never put your name on anything INCLUDING leases or anything that you can get tied down with sooo just a little advice hope all works out

[Hope75]

Wow.

 

This is alot to swallow all at once. I am so sorry for your pain.

 

I think that it is honourable that he is willing to accept responsiblity for his actions, and that is good, but this is a huge thing for you to forgive.

 

You need to ask yourself, if you took him back at some point, could you not only forgive the affair, but not throw it in his face, like say, during an argument, or ever? Will you ever be able to trust him again?

 

If you get back with him, these babies will be in your life too, a constant reminder that he was unfaithful, and that is going to be hard to accept and deal with. Are you prepared to do that?

 

There is going to be alot you are going to have to forgive and accept it you decide to take him back. I advise you to think long and hard about this.

 

How would things change? Will he do it again? How can you be sure he won't? How long did he know about the pregnancy before telling you? Can you truly say you can let the betrayal go and give yourself completely to him again?

 

He has shattered your faith in love and your trust. It is going to take a long time for him to earn that back.

 

I wish you the best of luck here, it is going to be a tough decision/

[OnceAgain]

Coming from someone in her 30s....stop talking to him, be heartbroken for a while but let me tell you, someone else will come along and sweep you off of your feet and not have the baggage that he has. You dont' need that and I don't recommend it. Yes you love him but when you look at his kids (if they are his) you will feel nothing but pain each time you look at them and distrust for him. You will feel that you aren't important in his life because they will always come before you because they are his kids...not yours.

[Abacab]

Yikes! New Year and a problem with epic proportions... Anyway, there are some valid points in previous postings. His actions being honourable etc...

 

However, I think you must enforce a NC policy until the children are born and the ID of the father established.

 

If the kids are not his, then you may be able to decide what kind of future you have with him. Ultimately, his cheating on you will have to be a large factor in your projections. Still, there's a possibility of him deriving the necessary lessons as to what he did, and become a much better person who deserves your love and attention.

 

But if the kids are his, however hard it may be, switch off any further relationship with him and move on. Because if you two get together at some point, the children will always be a source of conflict between the two of you.

 

Hope everything will turn out right...

[savannahohsavannah]

And then there is the whole Pater/Genitor issue. In some states if a man assumes the role of father he is automatically considered the child's father legally. In some instances living with the mom is enough to do that. There could be a ton of serious issues coming your way if you choose to stick it out and see if the children are his. But remember, you are YOU! You need some care and concern too. If you feel valuable and treat yourself as if you are and demand the respect of the other people involved in this problem the whole situation may resolve itself.

[annieo]

Let him go. You are not yet married and you can get over him with time and meet someone far better! Let's look at the man you were going to marry-

In debt

Borrowed money from you

Let you take on the obligation for his car, left you with the burden

Cheated

Had unprotected sex (she is pregnant) Please get tested he put you at risk

Lied to you or kept the truth from you

Disappeared for a short period and let you worry during that time

 

You can do better and you deserve more. Find a man who will put you first and take care of you. Be strong. It will be hard for now but you will be so much happier in the long run. Good luck to you!

[justagirl20f]

I have to agree with annieo... When you put it in list form like that he sounds like a real winner, doesn't he? Just the type you wanna marry... Not. More like the type you see on talk shows and say "what does she SEE in him?!?!?!" Right? Think if this guy was your best friend's boyfriend. Would you honestly recommend she give him one more moment of her time?!

 

Take care, sweetie.

[voltaire]

To be honest I think this dude is setting you up. He's already had a whole load of money out of you, and now he's trying to keep you on a string, so that if he marries the other girl he can maybe slip round and see you whenever he feels horny, since he 'loves' you so much. Let me tell you, with this kind of love who needs disrespect?