If someone else has your heart, how do you go on?

[gone]

2 years ago, I met the man I thought I would marry. He was everything I dreamed of and more, and I was the same for him. We were head over heels for each other. Both of us had been in multiple LTRs before, but neither of us felt we had met the right one/someone we wanted to marry, until we met each other. Our chemistry was INCREDIBLE and amazing, even during the worst of times.

 

We lived together and unfortunately our relationship was young and could not handle the huge amount of environmental stress that we both incurred in our job situations (I was injured and became unemployed and depressed; he was starting a high-profile job with intense demands and found out he hated it and ended up quitting). He was angry and distant, I tried my best to be there for him but I became resentful and eventually enraged at how he was acting toward me (he took my efforts for granted, ignored me, was angry often, refused to do nice things, stopped telling me he loved me, etc.). He then quit his job and took another one, during the worst times of our fights. I moved out.

 

It's been 6 months since I dumped him. He chased me for 5 months after that. He repeated over and over I was the only woman he'd ever envisioned a future with, and he tried to explain what had happened and said it wasn't right. I did agree to give it a shot, but he screamed at me when I went to visit him in his new location (twice he did this). On top of the previous turmoil in our relationship, I could not handle it and I broke it off. That was 5 months ago. Keep in mind, we were already living in separate states (which is why I was visiting him). But then 1 month ago, I moved even further from his state (accross the country, for the educational opportunity/job I had been waiting for). Up until then, he had been chasing me and I was giving him a chance but I said I needed to see action where his words were. I also told him I needed to focus on my move and getting established in my new location. He did not understand this, and badgered me through texts, which I saw as selfish because it was right as I was trying to execute my long and stressful move alone. I responded rudely and said some mean things. He left me alone after that. (This was 1 month ago.) I then realized my anger had prevented me from reconciling with him, but I loved him very much and I finally started to see a way to make it work, with us BOTH taking responsibility for our problems. I finally saw my contributions. I felt deep regret, guilt, and a lot of sorrow for my contribution. I emailed him a heartfelt long email explaining all this, and I asked if we could talk on video chat. He responded that he was actively moving on (ie dating other people), that he did not see it working out and did not want to revisit it. But this was just less than 2 weeks after he had told his family he wanted a future with me, had googled me, and wanted to talk. I had trouble, and am having trouble, accepting he has actually moved on. But I know I must take his words at face value.

 

That was 2 weeks ago.

Since then, I have been in LC/NC. I sent him a good wishes message because his area experienced a natural disaster. He responded cordially, more than once. A week went by and I messed up, sending him personal texts while drunk. I've been beside myself with grief. But I decided to focus on myself, go to therapy, and make the most out of my new professional opportunities, and continue spending time at the gym. I am allergic to other men. This man has my heart and my body. I cannot imagine being with someone else. I know our relationship was a long, tortured end, but I can't make sense of why he dropped me so suddenly during my move. I wish we could work on things, and I feel confident we could work out everything, if only he would give me and us that chance. Is there any hope? I know this whole story sounds crazy, but this is the man who has my heart, the only man I feel for me. Without him in my life, I am fine professionally, socially and health-wise, etc., and I do my hobbies, but there is no other man for me, I only have eyes for him. Please help.

 

One striking thing is that I was not happy in my life when we were together, and neither was he, due to our job situations. But now I am happy, and I feel it is ironic I cannot share it with the person I love. I want to share my life with him. Why must it be too late? How can I protect myself? How do I move on (other than in what I am doing), especially if I don't want to? It feels like I will love him forever, and it feels tragic that our environment was so detrimental.

[mhowe]

It wasn't so much the environments, but both of your reactions to the external situations.

 

And sadly, many young relationships do not endure stressful situations.

 

Life will also find a way to test you. How you react to the lessons, and what you learn from them, is the purpose and and the lesson.

[gone]

Thank-you mhowe. I am in therapy to learn how to better handle stressful situations, both myself and in my relationship. He is not and is looking for another LTR. I feel like he may find another companion, but what we had was truly something we both wanted in another person and in a relationship. I keep wishing he will come around.

[mhowe]

He has already told you that he isn't interested in trying again. As soon as you accept that, you will be able to open your heart again.

 

And with the tools you learn in therapy, you will be more capable of handling a long term relationship.

[gone]

I don't believe him because of it happening so suddenly. I wanted him to tell me this in a conversation or to my face. I don't believe he doesn't love me, because this happened unofficially over a text, 2 weeks after he told his family he wanted a future with me. I feel I need closure, I want him to tell this to me to my face. Otherwise I am having a hard time accepting he truly has no interest in having me in his life.

[mhowe]

Closure doesn't come from him --- it comes from acceptance. Talking face to face will not change anything ---- nor can you make him do it.

 

I responded rudely and said some mean things. He left me alone after that. (This was 1 month ago.) I then realized my anger had prevented me from reconciling with him, but I loved him very much and I finally started to see a way to make it work, with us BOTH taking responsibility for our problems. I finally saw my contributions. I felt deep regret, guilt, and a lot of sorrow for my contribution. I emailed him a heartfelt long email explaining all this, and I asked if we could talk on video chat. He responded that he was actively moving on (ie dating other people), that he did not see it working out and did not want to revisit it

[gone]

I would never want to make him talk to me if he didn't want to. I believe seeing him and having his tell me he no longer loves me, would bring me closure because then I would believe it.

 

And, getting him back isn't what I want most -- it would have to be HIS decision, because he would have to also be at the same place I am at now, where he was willing to take responsibility for his contributions to our issues and to understand my side. So, no, it's not a matter of making him talk to me or wanting him back - of course I would love to try again - I would love that chance. But not everything was my fault. If wishes were horses, or so they say.

[mhowe]

And if he were willing to take responsibility for his action and contributions, that would be a horse of a different color.

 

However, he is choosing to move on. You don't need to hear his words ---- you just need to see his actions.

 

No one is saying it is all your fault. It takes 2 to make a relationship, and 2 to want to fix it. He isn't not interested in fixing --- he is moving on.

[gone]

Your words are true. If he wanted to fix things, he knows I would work on it with him. I know I did the right thing because I know the relationship could never work without him understanding my side and taking responsibility (instead of pressuring me to get back with him), but, as odd as it sounds, I don't think he meant anything by it. I feel so deeply sad and I am still very much in love with him. I also know I did not take enough responsibility and hear his side for so long. But now I do. I can see his side a lot clearer now, and it is part of why I am so distressed.

[mhowe]

Sadly, sometimes it takes something like this to teach us that there are always 2 sides.

 

I am sorry for your pain.

[gone]

Why could he not see my side? I kept giving him chances. Eventually I got fed up and demoralized. But I wasn't right, even when I gave him chances, I still wasn;t right because he was asking for them, and I needed for it to come from ME, not in response to him asking me. I feel I was robbed of that chance. =(

[mhowe]

Because he can't see your side.

 

As you can see ---- you couldn't see his side at first. And it takes a degree of maturity and empathy to look at a situation from someone elses' perspective.

And he doesn't have it.

 

You are not "robbed of the chance". You cannot make him understand, nor participate, nor reconcile.

 

You can accept that this was a life lesson that was hard won.

[gone]

Maybe one day he will have that empathy and maturity and see my side. No, of course I cannot make him understand. I don't know why you would think I think that. I don't. I am just mourning. You are right, it was a life lesson in any event. I have changed as a person because of this experience, and my relationship skills have come out waaaaaaaay ahead of where they were before.