Any chance my ex-girlfriend will come around??

[Heartbreaker12]

Thanks for reading: I'll start with the story of our relationship & breakup and then finish with a bit of my analysis. I'm brokenhearted and looking or advice as to whether I should hold onto hope that she'll change her mind and come back around.

 

A little bit about me, I'm a 30-year old successful businessman living in Miami. I typically attract good looking women and have options (not to sound arrogant, just painting the picture). It all started when I got out of a 3-year relationship with a previous ex that had been on-and-off for about a year before I ended it, and it was finally time to move on. Once my friends found out I was single, they were naturally thinking of their single friends who might be a good fit. In a quick succession of events I was linked up with a girl who lives accross the country - in Denver - through a mutual friend who thought we would be "perfect". This girl was 24, beautiful, and had also just gotten out of a 3-year relationship.

 

Regardless of us both being only a week or so out of our previous relationships, we both seemed eager to find the "right" one and mutual interest was strong. After a few initial text messages (mutual friend gave me her number), within days we were talking on the phone every day and I had booked a flight for her to come out and visit in a couple of weeks. At my age, with the distance, and with our "meant-to-be" connection, it seemed natural to accelerate the process of getting to know each other. Having spoken on the phone for a few weeks, we finally met in person and it was fireworks. To make a long story short, the next 5-6 months were filled with flights back and forth, meeting each other's families, and hundreds of hours on the phone & Skype. She's career focused, family oriented, fun, and although she likes to go out and get attention - I didn't put her in the category of "party girl" which would've been a huge red flag. I thought I was going to marry this girl. For sure.

 

One more note - being the self-aware guy that I am, having had many relationships in the past - I was mindful of our communication & the progress of the relationship so that I wouldn't come on too strong or push things along too fast. I worked hard to maintain independence in spite of my building attraction & attachment.

 

Fast forward to the end, I sensed her acting slightly distant and things felt off. It was subtle, but enthusiasm just wasn't as high and, I don't know, I just noticed it. A few weekends ago, she was texting me on Saturday night about how much she missed me and couldn't wait to be together, and then I hardly heard from her all Sunday - which is usually a day to catch up. My gut feeling wasn't good. When she finally called Sunday night, she was quiet, distant and acting strange. She said she was tired, but I knew something was up. I pressed a bit and we ended up discussing a previous fight and how we may not be on the same page about things. We kind of resolved it, but when we hung up I and felt uneasy. Two uncomfortable days later she made "the call" to me where she said she has doubts about us, the distance, etc. She said it wasn't a breakup call - but in attempt to retain my masculinity, I told her if she's THAT uncertain I didn't want to continue in a relationship. She grudgingly agreed & apologized for her uncertainty, however I believe the breakup was the result she was looking for. Ugh.

 

I handled the break up extremely gracefully, no hard feelings, and even in the last several days as I saw it coming, I gave her space and never got emotional. We said goodnight, and it's been 10 days with zero contact from either of us. I have a huge void in my life after being in touch with her every day for 6 months, then NOTHING! It's hard to imagine she's just moved on and that's that. I had to cancel flights for trips we had planned out, and it just seems so sudden and crazy. I'm not over her, but have kept zero contact and haven't touched social media (no defriending or anything) since that time. She broke up with ME, really, so I feel like the ball is not in my court. I don't know what to do?

 

So that's basically it.. Obviously not every detail for the sake of brevity. But here's a little more analysis from my end: We had a few fights over the previous months - each time she was being too flirtatious or acting emotionally distant or doing something that rubbed me the wrong way. I'm a confident guy, and in my past my ex-girlfriends would get mad at ME for that kind of thing. But the tables were turned here. However, they were isolated incidents and she put a ton of time & effort into the relationship as whole (otherwise I would've seen the obvious signs). Our last fight, only a week before our breakup when she was visiting, she was acting distant towards me at an event I took her to, and I acted "needy" by getting upset about it - although her behavior was strange and I was bothered for good reason. That time, plus maybe a few others where I was a little emotionally raw or "needy", plus being pretty available to her on a daily basis (as she was to me) are the ONLY things I can think of that would've turned her off so much.

 

It's still hard to believe that these incidents could ruin an otherwise super close, happy relationship that we both invested heavily in. Her family loved me, and even the mutual friend that introduced us was shocked she had wanted a break up, and said she wasn't dating anyone else. Things just flipped and I'm stranded on an emotional island. If you read link removed, Doc Love says once her interest level goes down - by not being a Challenge - it's impossible to recover and therefore I probably lost her over a series of weeks, and it just happened to hit that weekend. Anyway, enough writing - please give me your insights & perspectives from your experiences! Was I too needy? Does long distance just not work? Is it hopeless? Will she come around? If you need any additional information let me know.

 

Thanks so much! (And ignore more "heartbreaker" nickname - it should read "heartbroken")

[floridasfinest]

Regardless of us both being only a week or so out of our previous relationships, we both seemed eager to find the "right" one and mutual interest was strong.

 

Sounds to me like this was your problem. Eagerness never goes well with relationships....especially one week out of a 3-year relationship.

 

As to your question "does long distance just not work"...most of the time no...not at least without a set plan to end up with each other after a period of time.

[SooSad33]

" It all started when I got out of a 3-year relationship with a previous ex that had been on-and-off for about a year before I ended it, and it was finally time to move on. Once my friends found out I was single, they were naturally thinking of their single friends who might be a good fit. In a quick succession of events I was linked up with a girl who lives accross the country - in Denver - through a mutual friend who thought we would be "perfect". This girl was 24, beautiful, and had also just gotten out of a 3-year relationship."

-I would say this was the problem..?

 

I'd say there were afew problems involved.

You could have very well been a 'rebound' to her. Things started off very fast & strong and seemed to die down just as fast.

 

Yes, long distance does often cause problems. Will she come around? Not likely.. no promises.

If you were a rebound, she is probably now starting to feel a LOT of confusion, with many other thoughts about her life and her emotions all over the place. Probably NOT mentally or emotionally stable enough either to be able to get into another relationship so soon.

 

She is going to need some good time- on her own for a while to work on getting herself back to good again.

 

I say respectfully leave her be to be able to deal with everything.. including her last break up, which by sounds of it, she did not deal with that yet.. and is most likely feeling it now.

[jenny_mcs]

Sorry you're hurting! It honestly sounds like this happened because of circumstances--- she is 24, and just got out of a 3 year relationship, and immediately gets into what sounds like a fast-moving, intense relationship with someone older. Not that I think that your age gap is that big- but you are 30, and it's only natural that you are thinking about settling down, marriage, family, etc. Even if you didn't express this to her, it's more than likely a goal you're moving towards. She, on the other hand, hasn't been single since she was 20-21, and had almost no time between her break-up and meeting you. She was probably having doubts, and you sensed it, and the classic push pull started happening. You get needy, you complain she's "getting distant", which causes her to pull away even more.

 

Honestly, I don't think you cold have done much differently. It sounds like you want a serious relationship which is leading to eventual marriage and family life (again, totally normal). This just may not be what she wants at this point in time. It's hard to say if she will come around. Because of her age, and the very tiny period of time between her old relationship and meeting you, and also the distance, I don't think it looks good.

 

Just try and keep busy, reach out to family and friends, and keep up the good work staying away from any of her social media stuff. Hang in there!