What is he thinking???

[Amasa]

So, me and my ex have been talking again for about six months now. And he is VERy weird about the whole thing. And I can't figure out what he's doing. So if anybody has any ideas on what could possibly be going through his head i really need some help.

So first he has said from day one. We will never ever ever get back togehter, ever. But then he says things like he's always going to love me, and I'm the only girl he's ever really loved.

We are also having sex, and we've decided not to sleep with other people. I have clothes and stuff that I keep over at his house. He totally changed his plans around for new years to make sure that I got a kiss at midnight.Then later the same night he bought me a rose and was being all romantic. He does things like slow dance on my porch with me. But the flip side of that is, that I only go over to his house once or twice a week. He didn't get me anything for xmas, he barely ever calls me, it's always me calling him, me making plans, ect.

Also, while we are supposed to be having sex, that hasn't actually happened the last couple of times that I was there. So I asked him if he still thought I was cute and he's like ya, and he still wants to cuddle and hold hands, but he's just been smoking too much to have sex??(I don't know what that means either)

I don't get it at all. Half the time when were together, it's like were totally a couple (so much so that even his friends ask if were together) and the other half I feel like I'm just bothering him by being there at all.

So does anybody have any ideas what is going on, or any ideas how i can make this situation better?

ohh, and we were together for like 3 years. then we broke up and didn't talk for 3 years. And then I saw him on the internet, and we've been talking ever since.

[Dazednconfused79]

Sounds like he's taking the p**s luv!

 

I've read a lot about getting ex's back, you need to hold back A LOT, you have to let him come to you. Don't cut all contact though as this would be far too obvious. Just don't be so available.

 

See what happens then. I've seen advice like this all over this forum.

 

Tell you what though, my situation is stressful enough, but your's is something else! You need to do something now to get your control back.

 

Good luck!

[Phoenix Down]

I agree, make him chase you, dont be so open to him. Let him see what he's about to loose. It's sometimes the only way people see.

[annie24]

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think he's already given you your answer. You said he said:

So first he has said from day one. We will never ever ever get back togehter, ever. But then he says things like he's always going to love me, and I'm the only girl he's ever really loved.

 

He said, we will never get back together. Guys don't lie about this sort of stuff. It doesn't seem like he's crazy about you anymore. True, while he is doing some nice stuff, there's a lot of other stuff he isn't doing, like calling you consistantly, asking you out consistantly. I read this book, I swear it's great. It's "He's just not that into you." It just basically says that if a guy likes you, he calls you, asks you out, doesn't break up with you, and wants to have sex with you. I really understood some of my ex-relationships a lot better after I read that book.

[Amasa]

Well that's definatly in my head that he's just in it for the sex. But why did he stop having sex with me then??? and the other thing is that he stopped smoking for new years. So i told him I wasn't going to talk to him until next week to give him some time to adjust to that, so that we didn't get into a fight. And he was like well can I call you? (no he hasn't called yet)

Ohh, and also, he says that he can't have sex with someone without getting emotionaly attached, and i asked him to come see me for xmas, and he thought I was inviting him for the family gig and he wanted to go.

He's very emotional (he would be the girl in this relationship) so even with that ya'll still think it's just about the sex????

[annie24]

Yeah, that's in the book too. A whole chapter on it. "He's just not that into you if he doesn't want to have sex with you." If a guy likes a girl, he wants to sleep with her. End of story. Especially since he used to, and now he doesn't, that's kinda a red flag.

 

Sorry girl - I know. I've been there before. It sucks, but I swear that there are better men out there. You never know. If you do NC for a while, he may realize that he's made the biggest mistake of his life, and will beg to have you back, but until then...

[Amasa]

It says in the other post that I am supposed to keep a positive attitude about this whole thing, and I just can't do that with a book like that. Part of my problem is that I hurt him, badly. So if he wants things like this for a while because he's not sure of me, I should let him right?? We have mutual friend who says that it is my job to put forth most of the effort until he feels comfortable with me.

Isn't it fair since i was the one who messed up our relationship (badly) that I should be the one who has to be in the vounerable position now?

[annie24]

Well, I think you should keep a positive attitude about yourself. It's just that from the situation you are describing, it doesn't sound like he likes you anymore. Be positive, but at the same time, don't hold onto something that's not there anymore. It just doesn't sound good if you're the one making 100% of the phone calls and 100% of date planning.

 

What exactly is it you did to mess things up? Maybe he is still trying to get over that, so you should in that case, back way off.

 

I believe in the book. True, it's harsh, but it's just really about respecting yourself and loving yourself, and knowing that you deserve better than some half-assed relationship. I don't totally agree with your mutual friend. Why do you have to act like he's the precious gem? You're a precious gem!

[Amasa]

We broke up 3 years ago, and I didn't talk to him almost that whole time. and we broke up because I was crazy. From what he says now ( and most of which i agree with) I played alot of head games with him, I was always sad, there was nothing he could do to make me happy, and everything he did was wrong. Which is true, I was so depressed and inverted while we were together, and he sat there trying to help me the whole time and I would just push him away. For a long time the only reason i didn't kill myself was because i didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already had. And it killed him that as much as we loved each other we couldn't be together, because I wouldn't treat him right.

So I would say our biggest issues now are, I'm scared to death that he will leave again. I really needed him and part of me thinks he should have stayed with me out of love, no matter how bad things were.

And his biggest issue is that I will manipulate him, or suck him into a relationship he's not ready to be in.

I know that your book is probably right most the time, but I know him well enough to know that he does love me. But, that may not matter, because of the things that happened before.