Back together and struggling with trust issues

[Smurf03]

Hello, i have been on these forums before when me and my boyfriend broke up. Now i'm back, as we are officially back together and i'm struggling to not let the fear of breaking up again take over.

 

So we have been together for 4 and a half years. We are long distance just now and have been for around a year. He broke up with me about 5 months ago and we were broken up for about 2 months, started dating again and now we're officially boyfriend and girlfriend again. He broke up with me as he felt like he couldn't provide the kind of life for me that i wanted, as he is in a very ambitious and unpredictable line of work. Anyway we got back together a few months ago and i'm really struggling with insecurity and paranoia. Before he broke up with me i would not have described myself as insecure or paranoid, in the slightest.

 

We are still long distance, I get panicky if he doesn't text back within a couple hours, I get jealous if he mentions a female friend and i am just worried he will break up with me again. I have tried to make him aware of these insecurities but he's not very reassuring. He thinks he isn't giving me any reason to feel like this and i need to deal with these issues. He broke up with me because he was unhappy thinking he was making me unhappy, so this will not help. I feel like i am pushing him for affection and being needy, and i know if i go on like this for much longer, our relationship wont survive it. I feel like i'm making a rod for my own back.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I wasn't sure whether or not to post this in long distance relationships, getting back together or this one haha. I would really appreciate any help, as i need to sort this out before it's too late

[Xylitol]

The advice is get a life of your own to live. Ok,imagine today you get a phone call , your bf died. You are all alone and now what? You might crumble into pieces but your life goes on. The only thing you can do at that time is pick up the pieces and move on with your life. And this is reality, namely that a loved one can pack their bags and leave any day. If that ever happens you better be sure you have a life of your own to live.

 

If you put your life and emotions into the wrong hands then you become an emotional soccerball of the situation for others to play with. Just like you are now. You need to bring the power of your life back where it belongs, namely in your own hands. This way regardless on whether your bf dumps you or dies, you can fall back on your own life and don't have to constantly live in fear, because you know you can stand on your own feet with your own strenght.

 

All forms of co-dependency are wrong. Any cooperation or relationship should be considered as temporarily. People die or break up or whatever, so don't rely your life on it ok?

[SooSad33]

There are reasons a couple breaks up. If or when they do end up back together, you need to think...

- Are the issue's involved with your BU dealt with?

Is everything fine again? The problems are fixed?

 

If not, you are just going to have those same problems arise again, most likely and it's be the same as it was before the BU.

 

So, do you think you two got back a little too soon and nothing's been dealt with? Which could be why you're feeling this insecure & anxious?

 

What is best in order to have a good reconcilliation is to take some decent time apart, deal with each other's issue's, gain some inner strength again. Mentally & emotionally and try again.. if both agree.

And when you do get back together, it's best to start slowly again, like it's a new relationship.

[Smurf03]

I completely agree. And I do absolutely have my own life, but I suppose I'm emotionally depending on him even though I shouldn't be. It's just getting away from that

[Smurf03]

There are reasons a couple breaks up. If or when they do end up back together, you need to think...

- Are the issue's involved with your BU dealt with?

Is everything fine again? The problems are fixed?

 

If not, you are just going to have those same problems arise again, most likely and it's be the same as it was before the BU.

 

So, do you think you two got back a little too soon and nothing's been dealt with? Which could be why you're feeling this insecure & anxious?

 

What is best in order to have a good reconcilliation is to take some decent time apart, deal with each other's issue's, gain some inner strength again. Mentally & emotionally and try again.. if both agree.

And when you do get back together, it's best to start slowly again, like it's a new relationship.

 

I think we probably did get back together too quickly. The feelings of losing him were so raw and horrible, although I was getting there. It's likely they are too fresh. We did do the whole starting again thing, and I don't know about him but I don't feel that the issues were dealt with. However I think he wants to just start again and doesn't want the past brought up, whenever I slightly bring it up I can tell he's not happy with talking about it.