Is it too late for NC?

[mishka329]

My ex boyfriend and I dated for about 2 years. He bought us a house about 8 months in or so, and we lived together for a few months even after breaking up. Only a couple months after moving in together, he unexpectedly lost his twin sister. Over the course of the next year, he slowly but surely shut down emotionally, until I initiated the "talk". We both agreed that he was emotionally unavailable and that I deserve better. Unfortunately, we never could get a clean break since I didn't have the funds to move out on my own until 3 months ago. While living together, we still talked and hung out and flirted. One night he opened up and sobbed to me about how he missed his sister, and the we snuggled all night.

But he made it clear still that we were not together, so I finally moved out. He helped me move and everything. He continued to text me and call me randomly for a few weeks. Before moving out, he had invited me to a club that meets every week, so we would see each other and hang out there. There, he proceeded to flirt with me a lot- play with my hair, touch my hips, tickle me. This is all in front of his family, too. And he even admitted that I really mean a lot to him, I'm invaluable so to say.

I tried CN for a couple weeks, because I was confused and wanted that space for self reflection. But the past couple weeks we have talked and hung out at club. He has called me when his brother was in a car wreck, when his dog got hurt- he told me I could visit her at his house if I want. I told him I was there for him, of course.

Two weeks ago, he flirted with me at our club and hugged me real right at the end of the night. Then I went on vacation. He texted me while I was there, talking about the house, and called me when I got back asking about paint colors, because I have an "artistic eye". Now the other night, while he was showing me pics of the house, a girl texted him and clearly I noticed. He told me later that he wanted me know, and from him, that he's dating someone. And he cares for me, doesn't want to hurt me, wants me to be happy. He said a lot changed once I moved out. And he said he does have feelings for me, but not romantic ones. He wants me in his life- wants to call me, wants to hang out sometimes, wants to support me, drive me to the airport, babysit my dog...etc. he "wants a fresh start or a clean slate" with me where we can build a new relationship- a friend one. He said it'd be hard and may hurt us as we figure out our new boundaries but it's worth it to him to go through that in order to be in my life. And he said it's up to me if I want that or don't, and he'll respect me if I can't because it hurts too much. But he'll be "waiting and hoping".

All this, yet he's dating someone else? Although he said he was too messed up to date anyone? I'm confused.

Am I a friend? Am I like a sister? Am I an acquaintance? I've never had that clean break yet, so perhaps NC is a good idea? To help me move forward and decide if I can be a "friend" or not. Is it too late for NC? It's been about 8 months, 3 since I moved out.

[appies]

I think he has lots of sorting out to do. And I don't think that you should wait around for him. He appears to be afraid to have you out of his life, maybe because he cant bear to grieve your breakup after his sister's death. And while he might be ok with being just friends and hangout. It will delay you from moving on.

 

Personally, I don't like the term NC. It makes it appear as mandatory magic process. But I can tell you that the more time you spend with him, talking to him, the more you will think about him and the longer it will take for you to move on.'

[ParisPaulette]

NC is never too late. You do NC to get yourself out of situations just like these where you're being used as an emotional band aid/backup until your SO decides they can move on fully. Never accept a demotion from lover and SO to friend, friend with benefits, sister, confident or any other lower position than the one you originally had--SO.

 

And you do NC to get yourself healed and able to move on and end off any toxic or nonhealthy relationship habits and games going on. And I'd say this is just such a matter. If you think there's any chance of a reconciliation you can send the "I need to heal and move on, so please don't contact me unless it's about getting back together. And you need to respect that, thank you." Then sending it and not responding to anything, but that. No "Let's talk about this," "You're making a big mistake" "This is why we can still be friends" etc. etc. etc. Nothing short of an "I want you back" should be responded to. And if he does it once and you find out it was to trick you then you tell him if he ever does it again you won't ever speak to him, period in this lifetime. And you go back to NC.

 

You need to heal and that won't happen as long as you're still jumping to his commands and doing things for him at the expense of yourself.

[SooSad33]

"And he cares for me, doesn't want to hurt me, wants me to be happy. He said a lot changed once I moved out. And he said he does have feelings for me, but not romantic ones. He wants me in his life- wants to call me, wants to hang out sometimes, wants to support me, drive me to the airport, babysit my dog...etc. he "wants a fresh start or a clean slate" with me where we can build a new relationship- a friend one. "

- No, I don't think so.

You can NOT be a 'friend' with an Ex until those feelings are gone. This I'm sure is VERY hard on you...

He cares for you. May love you, but NOT in love with you anymore.

 

I think it's best for YOUR own emotional, mental health to break clean and have NO more to do with him.

 

You're broken up now. He has chosen to move on.. then let him.

Don't be there to hold his hand while he tries seeing other women.

 

I know how hard this is... but you can do it. And the quickest way to work on accepting & moving on is to have NC now.

 

tc

[catfeeder]

This is the kind of unproductive limbo that NC spares you, and it's why most of us advise NC straight out of a breakup. Of COURSE the ex would like to keep all the benefits of having you around to support him as he weans himself off of you and forms a new interest to move onto. THAT is exactly why you shouldn't stick around to be used like that. He gets to move forward while you're left with all the confusion about how 'nice' he's been.

 

Skip that. Move away from that 'club' and form your own friendships--this guy is not your friend.

 

Head high.

[mishka329]

Thank you everyone. I need to hear this, and I need that outside opinion. Right now, I'm feeling like he checked out of our relationship months before I eventually broke it off. He wasn't 100% there and I tried to be understanding and sympathetic that his twin sister did pass away, and very unexpectedly with no real explanation (in her sleep). I tried to let him be alone when he was clearly in a bad mood, and after breaking up but living together- I tried to give him the space I could. And remember that he was dealing with (and I'm sure still is) a horrible thing. I can't help him cope or grieve. He must find that peace himself. Now, he says he's happy with this new girl. And wants me to be happy too, but does want me in his life...

I feel like I told him I would support him and stay with him even though it was hard. He said no. He wanted to be "alone". He shut me out, ergo making my decision for me. He decided, intentionally or not, to kick me out of his life, making me no longer a part of it. So he made his bed, now he can lie in it. I'm not a part of his life. He's a toxic person and has been for a while now- like I said even before breaking up. Even though he says he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me....all he's shown is clear disregard for my feelings. And now wants a pseudo friendship, to chat and hang out only if it happens to benefit him? Not fair to me. It's my turn to be selfish and tell him to f&$k off!

Thanks again, random strangers.