My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex

[Eveee]

Hello, well my boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. In the beginning of our relationship we use to have a lotttt of sex. Sometimes I would go to his house just to do so. But, during the beginning of this year I realized we weren't having as much sex as we used to. It's bothering me a lot because I feel like he's resorting to masturbating now. And I've told him plenty of Times how I've felt about him doing that and I don't like it and he says he'll stop. I understand guys masterbate but when it interferes with our sex life that's when I have a problem. It's affecting my self esteem also. I feel like those woman he sees have big asses and boobs and I'm just normal.... He says he loves me my body and everything but why doesn't he want to have sex with me? Don't get me wrong we have sex but we won't have sex like weeks in between. But when he feels like having sex or horny hell just masturbate. It's just starting to make me feel insecure and feeling like he's bored of me. I sometimes make remarks like he'll say something and I'll say "well it's not like we have sex anyways" and he gets so angry. He says I'm always complaining and getting on his case and makes him feel like crap so that's why he says he doesn't feel like having sex with me. I start to feel bad and I chill out give him his space. So when everything's fine again I still feel like ok you still have no interest In having sex with me so I don't really understand the reason.... Is he just bored of me?? I don't know.....

[MisUnderstood9]

There are alot of issues that could play into this...

1) Do you expect him to initiate every time?

2) Do you initiate and then he rejects?

3) Has your sex life gotten boring? Is it the same thing over and over?

4) Have you experimented with positions to try and spice it up a bit?

5) Have you ever surprised him with things like sexy outfits, oral or jumping into the shower with him and been rejected??

 

IF yes to ANY of the following where you've been reject -- yah I'd say there is something up and you need to have a good discussion with him on WHY he is rejecting you. He could be stressed out with something else and than you nagging about sex could just be the icing on the cake thats making him just think -- well its just easier to get myself off than to go through the stress of having sex and than feeling like its not going to be good enough anyways because all she's going to do is nag and complain again tomorrow.

 

Also, it's natural for sex to dwindle as the years go by in a relationship.. how many times in a month do you think you two are intitmate?

[faraday]

What have you done to change things? Have you tried anything other than nagging?

 

Dressing up...or saying dirty things to him...or even just pushing him up against the wall and groping him...sexting him...

 

It's normal for sex to decrease as time goes on...but if you want it more...you have to let him know through ways other than passive-aggressive remarks. Because...that's not a turn on. Neither is accusing someone of masturbating.

[redswim30]

So sorry you are going through this. This guy sounds like my ex-husband.

 

Whether he is admitting it to you or not, there IS something wrong. The fact that he isn't willing to address it with you, refuses to acknowledge it's a problem and then blaming you on top of it all, is very worrisome.

 

I really think this goes beyond boredom. He is clearly seeking other means to be "excited" and wants to feel that "newness" etc. - This is typical. However, the bigger issue is his lack of respect for you.

 

You can't change what someone isn't willing to admit and you can't compromise with someone who can't even accept that maybe they are doing something wrong.

 

I am a person who doesn't have a problem with porn, unless it replaces me, then there is a problem. And if your partner wants to have sex with you, they will. Anything else is just an excuse. Something is really wrong here.

 

I am going to tell you what I wish someone had told me being in your exact situation. Break up with him. NOW! Turn around and never look back.

 

This is more complex issue than it seems. He is clearly unwilling to work on this, he doesn't think he is even slightly wrong, he is clearly uninterested in your company, your feelings, and even respecting you enough to be honest with you.

 

You can only try so much, then something has to come from him. Sadly, I don't think it will, since he is unwilling to even TALK to you about it fairly and maturely.

 

This guy is immature and not ready for an adult relationship. Break up. You deserve to be with a man who treats you with some level of respect.

[DancingFool]

He told you point blank that the constant complaining is killing the spark. I'd pay attention to that if I were you. The dynamic in the relationship is unpleasant and has been so for a long time. You are going to have to do more than just quit complaining for a few days and expect him to suddenly get all hot for you like before.

 

Do yourself a favor and learn how to get what you want in a constructive manner. What I mean is this - it's not always the man's job to keep the spark going. Sometimes it's on you. So plan some date nights or a weekend away for the two of you. Wear something sexy, change things up a bit. You have to get in touch with the cool girl that he first fell in love with and bring her back out again. Also, since the negative dynamic has been going on for awhile, don't expect him to instantly jump to it and trust you. You've got some work ahead you in terms of turning things around.

 

When you make it all about you and your insecurities and just whine at the person, it will never get you what you want. It's just a huge turn off. Imagine if he came to you constantly nagging - why don't you do this, why are you doing that...nag nag nag nag.... I will bet money that it will leave you cold and sexy time would be pretty far from your mind. It would feel like a chore and an obligation and not something you want to do. Same goes for him and that has nothing to do with your appearance or him masturbating.

[redswim30]

I agree-somewhat. HOWEVER, the OP did say that her bf said he would stop, and hasn't- then proceeded to get angry at her.

 

She didn't say she was nagging him or that her bf said that. She said he didn't seem to have interest, and then he berates her if she brings it up. She can try whatever she wants, but I think that if he really wants things to get better, then he has to try too. I don't think it's all on her.

 

It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to be intimate with her, and is using her valid concerns as an excuse instead of addressing the underlying issues as a couple, a couple that has mutual love and respect for one another.

 

And I respectfully disagree about the porn. Since he is consistently choosing it over real contact, that DOES have to do with their relationship, his feelings towards her, and IMVHO, would effect anyone's self esteem and confidence in the state of their relationship.

If he was watching it and still being intimate with her regularly, different story.

 

OP, you can point blank ask him what would help, but I think the key lies in how he responds.

 

Does he respond lovingly with a, " We can work this out. I'm sorry I've been distant, but I want more spontaneity from you" or "we need to spice things up"- You can work with that

 

Or if he response with an insult, an accusation, defensively or angrily- Then I'm not sure he's really interested in salvaging the relationship.

But I DO NOT think this is all up to you- He has to be willing to meet you halfway. It is BOTH of your responsibilities to fix what is broken, not yours alone.

[notalady]

I sometimes make remarks like he'll say something and I'll say "well it's not like we have sex anyways" and he gets so angry. He says I'm always complaining and getting on his case and makes him feel like crap so that's why he says he doesn't feel like having sex with me.

 

I think others have given very good advice in terms of what you can do to get him more interested, I just want to chip in on this bit with my own experience. My ex, whom I dated for two years, used to make remarks like this. His sex drive seemed way higher than mine (I have very normal sex drive), he wanted to have sex every time we saw each other, and it got boring for me, and I didn't always feel like having sex, partly because he never allowed me a break to actually want it and to want him, he also did nothing to make me want to have sex with him more (e.g more romance, dress up nicely etc).

 

I personally find quality over quantity when it comes to sex is the most important, and his insistence on doing it every time we saw each other (otherwise he'd sulk) made it more into an obligation or schedule for me, rather than something we decide to do because we enjoy it and just feel like doing it. It completely killed my sex drive and I never really wanted to do it anymore. And he used to say stuff like what you are saying to your bf, I became really sensitive to these remarks, and made it feel even more like an obligation to me rather than something I wanted to do.

 

I used to watch porn occasionally as well, despite not wanting to have sex with him. For me it had nothing to do with porn, all to do with him. I don't know if it's the case here, but sounds like he may be losing his attraction to you and I think if you take others advice given here, it will help improve things.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm with notalady. I suspect he's unhappy with the relationship and losing attraction to you. You need to have a heart to heart about the relationship in general.