Things Have Gotten A Bit Worse...

[FuryLost]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm at the point in my life where seeing women in public hurts. My heart skips a few beats, then I get this sinking feeling in my chest when I remember who I am. I'll be the first to admit I have serious, very serious self-esteem issues about the way I look. Never having a girlfriend certainly plays a role in all this as well.

 

Every time I walk outside and see a girl, I get this horrible thought that they'll never want to be with me. Hang out with me or anything of the like. Outside of volunteering, the grocery store, and saying, "Hi" at my apartment complex, I haven't had a true conversation with a girl (that lasted more than 30 seconds) in three to four months. I just can't because I know I'll just end up falling for her and she'll reject me and I'll end up in a deeper pit than before.

 

I've have completely, utterly isolated myself in the hopes that I won't feel that nagging feeling of love and loneliness. Just thought if I learned how to be happy on my own, I'd be better for it. But I'm not-I'm so depressed and tired of being alone, and not having that special girl on my mind, perhaps just a phone call away, is all too painful to bear.

 

I'm not sure how long I can handle this without cracking or losing my sanity. Some days I just need a girl to fall into my arms and just cuddle with her; other days I want her in the most intimate, physical way. I thought that maybe writing and drawing would take my mind off matters, but what I produced ended up being just eroticism. I realize that's normal, but 50% of my thoughts are about sex and love and kissing. The other 50% involves worrying if I'll ever find sex and love and kissing before I kick the bucket.

 

I'm only 21, but I can't imagine going on like this for much longer without...?

[1a1a]

I get the vibe from your post that you feel like women are some mysterious, unwinnable 'other'. We're Not, we are just people, you can interact with us the same as you would your guy friends...

 

Also, your need is real, and valid, ive been there too (although im female), but you'll Have to keep it to yourself. That's way to much pressure for any one person and if you hang it over anyone they'll freak out.

 

Check out the captain Awkward website, i reckon there'll be some letter responses containing great advice about how to expand your network to include potential lovers.

[newdeli]

You shouldnt give up hopes that you'll find someone, you're at least intelligent so no doubt there is someone out there who wants to genuinely be with you she just hasnt met you yet, I'm going thru some crap in a relationship and i can honestly tell you you're better off just being the awesome person i know you are. Love yourself completely and then the right person will come along, dont just look for it until you love yourself more than anything on this planet because then u may not find someone deserving of you. That empty void fill it with things that make u happy until then.

[Joe DeStefano]

Yea girls might find you a bit more attractive if you're not moping around and clutching at your chest " ahh my heart". Try going to a store or something and get some confidence by being funny with a girl and make her laugh and stuff

[FuryLost]

I get the vibe from your post that you feel like women are some mysterious, unwinnable 'other'. We're Not, we are just people, you can interact with us the same as you would your guy friends...

 

Also, your need is real, and valid, ive been there too (although im female), but you'll Have to keep it to yourself. That's way to much pressure for any one person and if you hang it over anyone they'll freak out.

 

Check out the captain Awkward website, i reckon there'll be some letter responses containing great advice about how to expand your network to include potential lovers.

 

Perhaps, but I do know women are just like everyone else. Each with as many insecurities as us men. It's just my history that keeps me paralyzed inside and all that doubt rising to the surface. That being said I have put women and love on a tiny pedestal. I know that.

[FuryLost]

You shouldnt give up hopes that you'll find someone, you're at least intelligent so no doubt there is someone out there who wants to genuinely be with you she just hasnt met you yet, I'm going thru some crap in a relationship and i can honestly tell you you're better off just being the awesome person i know you are. Love yourself completely and then the right person will come along, dont just look for it until you love yourself more than anything on this planet because then u may not find someone deserving of you. That empty void fill it with things that make u happy until then.

 

I am very scared of that becoming a reality, so best of luck. But I've tried being alone and that has only built up all this depression awful anxiety.

[FuryLost]

Yea girls might find you a bit more attractive if you're not moping around and clutching at your chest " ahh my heart". Try going to a store or something and get some confidence by being funny with a girl and make her laugh and stuff

 

Aye, but I'm never moping around. I just keep to myself and say, "Hi, how are you?" whenever the chance appears.

[FuryLost]

All in all, I think I should be alone for a long time. Just because. Like I said, I'm not sure how long I can go without losing a part of me or even the whole of my sanity. It's gotten rougher over the last few months as my hormones are acting like a bag of popcorn every single day.

 

Hate being in limbo in the meantime: want to find that special girl, just don't want to risk taking that chance to meet that special girl.

[1a1a]

If you're self aware enough to know you are putting them on pedestals, that's one step closer to not doing that anymore.

 

I wonder if you would benefit from some counseling to deal with your anxiety?

[1a1a]

If you're self aware enough to know you are putting them on pedestals, that's one step closer to not doing that anymore.

 

I wonder if you would benefit from some counseling to deal with your anxiety?

 

Also, if it's comfortably culturally acceptable enough, maybe go see a sex worker about getting laid? You will definitely think clearer without that hanging over you.

[FuryLost]

Perhaps I need a counselor, but all I'd end up doing is crying on their little sofa and asking them for a hug. Seriously.

 

As in sex worker, you mean a prostitute? I've even thought about that a few times, but I'm a romantic kind of guy with low self-esteem. Paying a woman, a stranger really, just to have sex with me would do nothing to help me or my self-esteem.

 

Was that offer for a prostitute based on what I said or because you think my situation is that dire?

[Ms Darcy]

I think you might need a therapist more than a gf. It would be helpful for you to have someone help you deal with your self-esteem and anxiety issues.

[eskimobobseal]

sex isn't that big a deal, you put your penis in a vagina for about 10 minutes (for me, anyway), orgasm, and that's it. Stop using it as this giant deal that you need to do or you're a loser. You're just 21.

 

Love is great when you find the right girl, and you will - but you need a major shift in your thinking and a confidence boost. The only thing I can recommend is therapy, you have severe self defeating thoughts (especially about your looks) that are going to hinder you in a big way when it comes to finding women. You need to transform yourself from a mopey dopey sky is falling boy to a positive, upbeat, confident man. You need to get happier, and you can't do that unless you talk to someone, a professional perhaps, that can help you

[FuryLost]

sex isn't that big a deal, you put your penis in a vagina for about 10 minutes (for me, anyway), orgasm, and that's it. Stop using it as this giant deal that you need to do or you're a loser. You're just 21.

 

Love is great when you find the right girl, and you will - but you need a major shift in your thinking and a confidence boost. The only thing I can recommend is therapy, you have severe self defeating thoughts (especially about your looks) that are going to hinder you in a big way when it comes to finding women. You need to transform yourself from a mopey dopey sky is falling boy to a positive, upbeat, confident man. You need to get happier, and you can't do that unless you talk to someone, a professional perhaps, that can help you

 

It's not just the "sex" aspect of it. It's the fact that a girl considers me an attractive enough guy to allow me to put my arms around her and give her a hug. Or a kiss or a cuddle or whatever. Yes, they certainly are very, very severe self-defeating thoughts.

[FarCry]

Hey man.. You've admitted that you hate the way you look and you are very self conscious of your body. You certainly can do something about that! Get a gym membership! Have a goal to improve yourself. Hire a personal trainer. Your confidence will sky rocket and you will FEEL better about yourself by simply exercising! Next thing you know women will see you as more of a sexually attractive MAN that they will want to be with. Start today .. Stop wallowing and get out there and improve yourself! Remember .. You must become right with yourself before you can be right with someone else. Good luck!

[FuryLost]

Hey man.. You've admitted that you hate the way you look and you are very self conscious of your body. You certainly can do something about that! Get a gym membership! Have a goal to improve yourself. Hire a personal trainer. Your confidence will sky rocket and you will FEEL better about yourself by simply exercising! Next thing you know women will see you as more of a sexually attractive MAN that they will want to be with. Start today .. Stop wallowing and get out there and improve yourself! Remember .. You must become right with yourself before you can be right with someone else. Good luck!

 

Not so much my body, I have a fairly good build, but my face. Now I'm think I'm fairly good looking, but I'm not completely convinced of it. It's that old tug-of-war between reality, internal perception, and external perception.